Teenage Growing Pains

Hi F.,

I have a daughter who will be 13 next month. Do you think that your teen was slacking? If so, I agree that some punishment may be in order. But at this stage of their education, the material may be very difficult. She may not always be capable of A's. She may need tutoring in a tough subject. My daughter isn't doing well in Italian and it's not for lack of trying - she was getting 90's and above in all other subjects, but this was totally new material and it's harder than she thought. Some of the math is very hard, they are learning in 7th grade what I had a tough time with in 9th grade! I would not punish for simply not being capable of getting an A in everything, but I would if she was not studying, not handing in assignments, spending time online or with friends when she has a test she ought to be studying for.

Good luck!

I think it's perfectly ok to let your daughter know that you might have reacted too strongly and that you want to revisit the consequences of her low grade. Maybe you can open the discussion to see what she suggests would be an appropriate consequence. I find many times that adolescents will offer appropriate suggestions. I'm sure she already feels disappointed in her low grade if she has always had better grades and will want to do whatever she can to get it up. However, you have to know your own limits before going into a conversation like that. You might know that you want her to be on some kind of restriction for at least a couple of weeks - then use that in your discussion with her. If you don't think this open ended discussion approach will work then go back to her and let her know you made a mistake and that you are changing her punishment. Young people will respect you for standing firm but also for admitting that we let our emotions get the better of us also. Good luck!

Hi F. -

If she has only recieved one C then yes, restricted to house until the next report card (usually 5 wks) is a little excessive.

You can use this as a learning tool. By this I mean, you can go talk with her explain that you reacted when you were upset and after you had time to think about the situation, believe that the restricted time was a little extreme due to the situation. Move it back to maybe 2 wks.

This is letting her know that even adults make mistakes and facing the mistake and apologizing is not only ok, but the better thing to do.

Find the route of the C is the key is there problems at school or not enough sleep or to much tv, computer, cell phone etc, remove that obsticle for the 2 wks so she can focus on grades. Put the stipulation on that if the grade is not raised by the next report card, you will readdress the issue.

My daughter (11) is usually in 90's also, but has been bringing home some low 80's and some 70's. You would be amazed at just one bad grade having the effect to drop you that much. I have had talks w/ teachers to find out why and maybe they had one bad day, which was an important day, that is all it takes. In gym she missed turning in a report on tumbling (dont ask) and dropped from 100 to 83.

Im sure your daughter is upset about the grade, reasure her its ok, but you really would like her to try her best at all times and maybe have a tutor session after school 1 day a week for a few weeks. My son struggles w/ his Latin (dont ask me why he chose Latin!) and our school has a different subject tutor every day of the weeks so kids can stay and get extra help with difficult classes. This has brought his grade from 60's to 80's in just 5 wks.

Best of Luck! Remember its ok for parents to be wrong, how we handle it will teach our children.

I've walked a couple of miles in your shoes as the parent of 3 girls, ages 17,15 and 10. YES, we do have to set limits and show our teens that there are consequences to behavior and that school is a priority.
Instead of complete house arrest, how about limiting screentime/ cellphone use? re-evaluate at the end of the mid-semester and ask to get a progress report from the teacher.
Stay on top of it and also model good stuff like reading. Read together too, it's a win win.

Good luck!

I can understand your upset and the stress of that moment.

I think this is a great opportunity to have a good talk with your daughter. Don't Just change the punishment b/c you are right in saying you don't want to seem unable to follow through. But you can have a sort of follow up conversation something like; Now that it's been a week (X)since your report card came in, I'm hoping you've had some time to really think things over. And I want to know how you feel about getting that C (don't let her get into a shlew of 'mom I'll do better' or 'but everyone failed' as a response. If she does, patiently repeat the question until you get a real answer). Then move to pointing out the contrast of how it feels to get an A. Then move to asking her does she think you have a right to be upset. Ask her if she understands why you would be upset about it. Then ask her what she thinks is a fair way of handling it.

In other words, what you are doing in this conversation is trying to engage her into the process of her own punishment and re-negotiating the terms of that. It IS okay to do that, because you are showing respect for her feelings/needs/thoughts without just free-ing her out of consequence. You'll get much better compliance out of her during that grounding (less of that exhausting testing) and you are helping her to truly "grow up" by helping her to more deeply reflect on actions=consequences. It is the absolute best approach for her age group b/c that sense of moral development and reasoning is just developing.

I hope that helps, Good luck! -N.

F.,
I think there is something to be said about a parent who can tell their child that they "made a mistake." I think that when a parent can say to their child I overreacted that isn't weak at all, in fact I think that makes you stronger in their eyes and have more respect for you. It shows that you are fair and that you do think things over and don't just get angry and that is it. She is obviously a great child if this is her first C. Maybe she did not get something and therefor you may be punishing her for something she was unable to help. I don't know, that part I suppose is not my business.
But, I think that you will earn more respect from your daughter if you're able to say sorry and say that you still think she should be grounded, but maybe you overreacted a little.
Being a single mother is hard work and I understand how important it is to keep those reins tight, but it sounds like she is pretty amazing and if a C is the worst of it then please, for me, pat yourself of the back for being a great mother.
Good luck.

Hi F.,
As a parent of 19 & 21 year old boys I have learned many lessons the hard way. I think that you should sit down together and share with her that you were very troubled by her grade and would like to help her do better next quarter. Did she have any diffficulty with the class? One way to stop goofing off is to schedule an appointment before or after school with this teacher, and have your daughter present. Now together you can work on what went wrong!
I would also tell her that you were upset and may have made a mistake with her punishment. Sharing that you made a mistake and correcting it is really important! You must establish open lines of communication. She needs to be able to tell you when she has made a mistake rather than lying or covering it up.
The more open you are right now the better things will be. I am blessed with 2 wonderful boys that openly talk with me. Some of their friends also seek me out when something is bothering them. Try to always keep a punishment to fit the crime. Extra study activities with no TV for a week might fit better.
Please make sure that you talk as often as possible. Good Luck!
K.

The first thing I would do is call a meeting with her teacher since this is not the norm for your daughter you need to find out the root of this C. I am sure your daughter is also upset no one likes going from an A to a C so right now is the time to encourage by letting her know that you believe that she can turn it back around. For the future when you get news you do not like in this area take time out have a Calgon moment and plan what your dicipline will be, this way you will not do anything rash that you will not be able to follow through with. It is alright to go back to your daughter with a better form of dicipline let her know that you will not let this C make you forget about all the A's that she as received you will not look weak.

House restriction may have been a bit overboard! Sit and have a mom to daughter talk and find out why her grades are down. I find listening to my daughter and making decisions later are much better. I too am going through these rough times with grades falling this marking period...what I've done is put my foot down by limiting time on the computer and cell phone, she values her friends. Take something of value away from her, and explain to her why you are. But still tell her you love her. My mom has a saying you get more honey than lemon's...meaning use your words carefully, love her dearly and you'll get the respect you want from your daughter. Oh, one more advice...must follow through and stay with it. Good Luck!
Sue T

Hi F.,

I'm a mom of 17 and 13 y/o daughters... I agree with everything said here.. but want to add three things.

First, there is nothing weak or indecisive about admitting you overacted. It's modeling a great behavior for her.

Second, I know my daughters reacted to their teachers personally. (cutting off your nose to spite your face sort of thing) One depreciating remark from a teacher could set my girls into a tailspin. I don't know if your daughter is sensitive to criticism.. both of mine were. Have you found out why she got the "C"? Was it homework? Was it test scores? Maybe it was a social issue in class? If you find out you can know how to help her succeed and improve?

Third, After I have talked to my kids, finding out what the problem was, I explain what I had expected of them, and why I was disappointed. I ask my kids what they think a fair punishment would be. They usually came up with restrictions that made sense. If they have a feeling of control at that age, there is less resentment and power struggle.

I survived 3 teenage daughters .... just barely. The best advice I can give you is to never dole out punishment without thinking about it first. I'd always take a day or two to think things over before I can out with the decission on what to do.

It's never too late to sit down and discuss with your daughter what happened. You can admit that you over reacted and think that you were too harsh. Tell her that you want to work with her to do everything you can to make sure she's successful.

You have to be careful with your punishment. Let's think about what kind of message you're sending to your daughter. She's been doing good in school up to now, right? If you're punishing her for having bad grade, she may start to think she is worthless unless she doesn’t do good in school. It's important to show your sincere concern than your emotion. You may want to tell her that you're concerned when her grade went down because there might be something disturbing her.

There must be something going on with her. you may want to have some talk with her and ask her what's bothering her or simply ask her why she thinks her grade went down. Punishment is not effective unless you find the root problem and have the attitude to work together with your daughter. You don't think you can fix the problem just by giving her punishment, right? Sometimes simple concern and encouragement give your child desire to make effort.

I think it is OK to admit to your teen that you may have overreacted and want to start the conversation and come to another solution for her problem. I mean, you are only human, and I think that an apology from you when you know that you are wrong, and she make think that it might be unfair may be a good thing, and encourage her to do the same.

Hi F., I am now a grandmother but I can remember being an A student until I got into Middle School and then I got my first failing grade in Spanish. I'm not sure if the work got harder of if my sudden interest in boys got in the way. I'm sure she is not happy with a C. You could give it a while and reconsider the punishment. We all make that mistake sometimes in haste. Have you talked to her about the subject and what may be the reason for the low grade? Remember, our children are people too. She may not be slacking, just having trouble. I have raised 5 and many times admitted to them that I am human and make mistakes. Try it. Some day she could be your best friend, like my daughter is now. Best wishes,Grandma Mary