Teenage Son Issue

I would have done the same thing and have. I would have never dropped of a 14 year old BOY at a home that I did not know anyone. Thats a mix for trouble! Tell husband he is 14 and still needs guidance, this the age where good decisions are most important to a boy. I feel its ok to drop him off at the movies and be there to pick him up immediately after. Its ok to drop him off at a dance and pick up immediately. Its ok for him to bike ride with friends as long as he has a phone and know where NOT to go. Its ok to drop him of at a friends home WITH the parents being home. Its NOT ok to drop him off at the mall, NOT ok to hang up town, NOT ok to be dropped of a home without parents home!!! Tell hubby he will be thanking you when you son is not in trouble because lack of parental presence.

I don't think that the first step to giving a teen independence is to drop him off somewhere with NO supervision, in a perfect stranger's house. You were ABSOLUTELY right!

you were right. Even if you knew the parents beforehand and they were not there I would still not have let my child stay. Good decision.

You made the right decision. Always follow your gut. Would you and your husband want kids over at your house when neither of you was home? I am a mom of teenagers myself, and have heard from neighbors of my boys having friends over when I wasn't home and some pretty stupid stuff happened. One boy tried to light fireworks inside my house, and also played with gasoline in my garage. This was a boy who wants to be a minister when he grows up! Teenage boys + no adult supervision=train wreck! I love my boys and their friends, but they do need a responsible adult around. I would also want to meet the new friend and parents too. I would definitly want to meet them if my boy was to spend the night there. Just to make sure they have the same expectations as you. Curfew, rules, etc..

We have a 14 year old son as well. Before he is allowed to go to anyone's home to "hang out" or for a party, or go to the mall...whatever...my husband or I insist on talking to the other child's parent to confirm the location, time, and who is going or will be there. We tell both our boys that, "This is just how we roll at our house, and if this person is a true friend, they will understand."

This not only opens up the opportunity to keep our son from getting into a bad situation (drugs, guns, theft, etc.) but it also gives us a chance to get to know the other parent, so if the boys do find trouble, we have communication--and trust established--between us.

I think you were right....you have no idea what geos on with no one home.

Dear C.,
I also have a 14 year old son. He is extremely responsible and trustworthy. I have allowed him to go to friends homes when there were no parents there, BUT, I know the kids and the parents very, very well. I'm very familiar with the the rules of the home are and whether or not the kids follow them. Those things make all the difference in the world.
My son was invited to go with some boys that he knew to meet up with boys that he didn't know and go to one of their houses. He declined, all by himself, because he wasn't comfortable going somewhere that he didn't know the kid or his parents and my daughter wouldn't be getting off work to pick him up for several hours. In that situation, I would have said no, but I didn't even have to. My son thought better of it on his own.
You made the right decision.
We do have to trust our children to make the right choices to an extent and you might try explaining to your husband, and your son, that trusting him had nothing to do with it. He's a good kid, and you know that, but what you don't know is the other boy, or his parents. That's not babying him, it's called knowing where your son is and I don't mean in just a physical sense. Obviously, you know where the house is that you dropped him off, but you know absolutely nothing beyond that.
I would have your son invite his friend over to your house so you can meet him. Call the kid's mom and introduce yourself, maybe arrange a time to meet with her too so you can get to know her. Ask her what her policy is about having kids over when she's not home. You'll be able to get an idea of whether she just lets one kid at a time or as many as want to come over. (My friends and I have strict policies about who can come over, we limit it to one kid, sometimes two, being specific about who is welcome, they are not to leave the house, they're not to be on the phone for extended periods in case the parents are trying to call, things like that). How can you tell your son to follow the rules of someone's house if you don't even know what they are?
We DO need to give our kids a little independence, for sure. But we also need to give them a model for making good choices and going somewhere you've never been, with no adult supervision or even knowing the adult at all, is not a good choice.
Like I said, with my son, I didn't even have to say no when he got invited someplace unfamiliar on a Friday night. He didn't think it was a good idea.
He knows that there are parents who don't care if kids drink alcohol as long as they do it at home. I'm not one of those parents. He knows there are kids that will sneak to drink or smoke and he's not one of those kids. I'm not saying that just because you don't know someone, they may be that kind of kid or parent, but my son didn't feel comfortable maybe finding out the hard way, and it's because of his decisions like that, that I trust him all the more.
Your son will get over this and so will your husband.
There is nothing at all wrong with a 14 year old knowing that it's better to be safe than sorry.
Talk to the other mom. Dad may work a night shift and she takes night classes and it would be good for her son to have a trusted friend over sometimes. She might feel better about it if she gets to know you a little first too.

Best wishes!

I think you were absolutely right.

I would have done exactly the same as you did. Without supervision drugs, sex, drinking alcohol, anything can happen. Smart, well behaved kids can get in with bad crowds and can make very stupid decisions that can affect them the rest of their lives. What is your husband thinking? Trusting your son is one thing. A new friend you know nothing about has to earn your trust.

You were completely correct. There is just way too many things that teenage boys could be getting into. Would you want teenage boys (that you don't know) alone in your home? If you wouldn't feel comfortable with them with your house, you certainly don't want to risk your son.
If you knew the boys & parents it might be different, but in this case you don't. Better to err on the side of caution.

At 14 kids are kids and are still learning to use good judgement. There is a lot of peer pressure at 14 that could sway a "Good kid" into doing something foolish. I saved myself a lot of hassel and heart ache by getting the phone number of the parents of the child my sons were visiting all the way up until they graduated high school. When I dropped them off I went up and met the parents to make sure they were going to be there and what time I was going to come back to pick them up. That way I was assured the parents were going to be there and that the kids would be supervised. I occasionally called the parents and asked how things were going. If a kid answered I'd ask to speak with a parent. If the parent was "busy or in the bathroom or sleeping . . ." I'd call back. If I got the same excuse the next time I'd go and see for myself and pick up my child if there were no parents there.
One of my friends had your husband's attitude until they found out their "good kid" had a lapse of "good judgement" and participarted in an unsupervised game of truth or dare. Let your imagination take it from there.
Good Luck

You were right. I would say it would be ok if you know the family & kid, but otherwise, no. I would definately sit son down & talk with him about it & explain that parents usually are not good with surprises & that you would like to discuss things that are out of the ordinary if he would like a different reaction from you. I would let hubby know that you understand he would have made a different decision, however, it was not his decision to make and that you stand by yours and apparently you both are just going to have to agree to disagree on this one.

The good old age of 14! I remember when I was 14 (not to long ago actually). I was great at school, had a few friends and was a "good girl". However, my mom never cared where I went or anything of that sort ( she was going through a divorse so I don't blame her now). You did the right thing! In a way a wish my mom would have been there a little more... I had a lot of bad things happen to me and I am a girl... I was the girl in school who had all the independence and freedom a teenager says they want, but in the end its not really what I wanted! I am probably going to be alittle over protective bc of what I went through! On a positive note I never did drugs even when they were in front of me... I had good morals, but the kids around me didn't and thats what got me in more trouble then someone that age should ever go through. My mom saw her errors and now with my 14 year old brother monitors him ALL the time! He says he gets annoyed with it, but then he remembers some of the things I went through and usually quiets complaining! Good luck I am so scared about the fact my babies will be teenagers sooner then I want! Remember just bc your kid is a good kid doesnt mean the other kids are! I went to church and was truely a good kid... peer presure, and bad moralled kids are what ruin so much!

IMO, you made the right choice! My son was a good kid at that age, too, but went to a "new friend's" house without telling me and they drank the Dad's alcohol. I never, ever would have believed he would do that, but peer pressure can cause a good kid to make a bad decision. In his mind, it was better to drink with everyone else than to be made fun of at school for NOT joining in. Your instincts were absolutely spot on, Mom. Good for you!

You made the right decision NOT to leave your son at the house with NO adult supervision. I also have a 14 year old son and would have done the same thing. Regardless of "babying" your son, you are parenting your son and making the smartest & most informed decision for the situation and that's one of the most important aspects of being a parent. You are not a "best" friend and kids get annoyed with their parents but that's part of the job!

You did the right thing. Your son has no business being at a home where you do not know the parents. Them not to be there may mean that they didn't know he was coming. I would not trust my child to uninformed parents. I say, talk to the parents next time, so you get a feel fro them, then allow your son over. They are probably good people, and their son was trying to pull a fast one.

Happy Spring,
J.

I agree with you. It would be different if you knew the family. Did this child's parents know their son was going to have guests? With no parents at the house there are a lot of things that could go wrong.

I am probably going to be the one in MANY who are going to tell you that you are 1000% right in doing this! I have read too many horror stories that did exactly what your husband told you to do. Trust an inexperienced child? I'm sorry, but I am very incensed at a parent who does not protect his own child, yes child, not an adult who knows better. Please at all costs, even your marriage, please protect your child. That is why God gave him a mom, he wasn't hatched to figure it out on his own. I can think of three young boys off the top of my head that were raped in situations like that, one of which was molested repeatedly by a wonderful, clean cut neighbor who posed as a big brother. Not to mention drugs that they felt pressured into doing because the cool kids were there watching and would have made fun of them. You are not there to be their friend. Who cares if he hates you. I hated my mom for every single "no" she said. But guess what, she was right every single time. As an adult I look back and thank God that my mom was strict and watchful and caring and loving enough not to care what I felt like as a rebellious emotional selfish teenager. Maybe your husband didn't make any stupid mistakes, but the day we are living in, you can't be careful enough! Maybe he is just too trusting or something, but please go by your God-given instincts that only a mother possesses. I am obviously passionate about this for a reason. I was too trusting at one time in my life and have to live with the regret for the rest of my life. I would like to spare every parent the same fate.
~M.~

I always follow my gut. My son wanted to go with some friends over night. I said no I know the parents and him. He was so mad at me. He started throwing things in his room. Well I followed my gut. The next day found out the kids were arrested in a shootting a 14 year old boy was killed. My son thanked me for not letting him go. I thanked god for guiding me to make the right chioce. We have to protect our kids even sometimes we make the desitions our kids dont like. We have to find out we these kids are our kids are hanging with. I think you made the right choice for your sons sake.

Kids have it hard and the pure pressure is hard for them so we have to make choices for them. Every age their gonna be we have already been. Generations change but people dont. Kids these days have it alot harder than when I grew up. Kid these days are caring guns.we have to protect our kids even when they arent at home.
take care God Bless you and your family

You were TOTALLY right. No parents is ONLY an option if you know the kid well, and if you know the parents would be OK with that, and ONLY for a short period of time. It seems like your husband is more worried about your son having friends that about staying out of trouble. Don't back down on this one. I don't care how much it embarrasses my son, I always want to speak with the parents in a situation like that. ANd I find that if the parents are "normal" and trustworthy, they don't mind speaking to you either. I actually have a pack with one of my son's friends that if they say they are sleeping over at each other's house, then we call each other and verify that!!

I completely agree with you and so would my husband! Our son was invited to someone's home, probably about that age because he wasn't driving yet.
He said he wanted to go to some girl's house but didn't know her last name, phone number or if her parents would be there. He threw a little fit when we said no, but finally allowed my husband to take him. My husband walked him to the door and introduced himself to the girls parents and made sure they were going to be there.
Even at our house, even when he was 18 and a senior and had people over, my husband and/or I were always here. We have a walk out lower level but all kids had to come and go through the front door.
We have a 15 year old daughter and the same rules apply to her.
I think in today's world it's not about babying him as much as protecting him from God knows what. AND parents are now being held responsible for things that go on in their homes.
You are a good mom, remember that.

I am only 23 but I can honestly say you were absolutely right in your decision. Your son may be responsible and well behaved but you didn't know the new friend or the parents. Teens are very suggestable (if that's a word) and you don't know what kind of raising the other kid has. Giving him more opportunity for trust by letting him stay home alone when you and your husband go out for a night, not by leaving him in a new place with a new friend without supervision. Stick to your guns Mom! Not enough moms follow their gut.

Your son is 14, is well-behaved, and does well in school. I agree with your husband. You DO need to show your son you trust his choices.

Hi C. D. In my opinion you did the right thing!!! Especially since you have never met his friend parents. children that young can get into plenty when not supervised(not to say they would have) You have so many people these day you are into to so much stuff(drugs, guns,child molesting,etc) you just have to be very careful about the friend your children met. Apparently this child parents didn't see anything wrong with leaving him alone a home with his friends(which doesn't make them bad parents) but I'm like you, I wouldn't have left my child there with an adult present.

You did the right thing. My son is 10 and I am trying to find ways to keep him safe without making him seem like a baby. The safety has to come first, though. I'm glad your son accepted your decision. Talk to him about situations like this, so he knows why you were nervous. Your husband can help with the discussions, so that all of you (hopefully) agree on what could lead to problems, like two teenage boys unsupervised for the evening! I hope your husband can calmly contribute ideas for how your son can be safe and independent at the same time.

This is a pretty easy one. My son is 14 and the youngest of 4 children, the 3 others are girls. At 14, I would not leave my son (nor did we leave our 3 others) at a friend's house without parents there. It is not a matter of trust or independence. There could POSSIBLY be an exception to this depending on your son and if you know the other family very well and know their guidelines, etc. (like is the computer off and password protected and TV does not have access to pornographic programs, movies, etc.) Again, this is not about trust but about temptation for your son and his friends. Since you did not know this family, you had NO IDEA regarding these things.
We always call ahead and ask about the "set up". We have done that with all four of our children and will continue to do so with our son who will turn 15 in August. I know that I always welcome calls from parents when kids come here.
Another policy that we started when our oldest was going in to high school (she is now 24) is a no sleepover policy. A wise friend shared this family policy with a group of young mom's and all of us adopted the policy with our own children. I can tell you that it has saved our children time and time again from tough stuff that can go on at sleepovers. My oldest 2 children tell me now that we have NO IDEA just how much they were saved from and looking back it was a great policy. We very rarely made an exception. There were many nights we picked the kids up extra late as sort of a compromise.
Good luck. :)

That is a hard one, especially if you & your husband don't agree. I don't have children that old yet but my time is coming so I'm interested to read the responses. It seems like it does get harder as our children get older & we are not seeing parents as much as we did when they were younger. As a compromise, maybe for now you could tell your son that he cannot be at a home with no parents if you have not met the friend and/or parents. Maybe you could start by letting him be alone at your house with a friend that you trust or let him be alone at the home of a child with parents that you know well & you know are aware that the teens are home alone. If those situations go well, you could eventually give him more freedom. It can be a fine line between babying & teaching independence, but in today's world, we can't be too careful. It sounds like your son handled the situation OK but you might want to make sure that he knows that it isn't him that you don't trust; you are just trying to be a responsible parent. In the end, you & your husband know your son best and will know how much independence he can handle, when, etc. Good Luck to you! Parenting just never seems to get any easier!

You were absolutely right.
Your husband needs to enlightened himself about today's teenager. They are not the same as when he was young.
ie: Did he have a cell, access to internet , girls without supervision, drinking and drugs and firearms and where in the world were the parents of the child where he was going. Now that is irresponsible parenting.
YOU ARE THE RESPONSIBLE PARENT AND cannot be too careful. It is a hard job walking the tight rope of parenting teenagers.
Hope your hubby opens his eyes and ears.

I agree that 14 is too young to leave at a party without

Hiya
I have a 15 year old and I am exactly the same! He has only just recently been allowed out alone to different shopping areas in the local vacinity! That is since he has starting seeing a Girlfriend whom I trust - I feel there is likely to be less chance of "Trouble" if there are just two of them rather than a "Gang/Group" of Teenage Boys!
My explanation to my son is that It's not him I don't trust...it's the others!
It only takes one person in a group to bad mouth someone else (showing off) and anything could happen! You see it in the Newspapers all the time...it is usually the Sensible ones that get hurt trying to break something up rather than the "big mouth show off" who caused the trouble - they run off like cowards!
My son is very sensible and trustworthy, not aggressive or confrontational at all. He does very well at school (in all the top sets and has already gained 3 GCSE's 2 years early) He is not very Streetwise - having never being allowed to hang around the streets at all hours like his peers. I would not allow my son to go somewhere without adults more so at night time - especially if I had not even met that friend! I agree with your decision..I wonder if your husband would have had the same opinion if it was a 14 year old daughter you were talking about ? I know my husband is far more lenient and trusting of my son than he will be with my 2 daughters!!!
Independance is very important..if it is earned and if it is appropriate and safe! You did what was best for your son and you are very lucky that your son agreed with your decision & understood!

My oldest are 13 and 14. I do NOT let them stay at someone's house without parents. That is just asking for trouble. I just made my daughter come back to my car friday night to tell me if the dad was home (i did not see a car). Giving him independence is letting him go in the first place, letting him stay in the evening with no parents is asking for trouble.

There is a difference if it is after school for about an hour... and they are doing homework. In the evenings... kids prank call and all kinds of stuff when they are not supervised....

You are right on track, but don't rub it in your husbands face. Fourteen is not an age to give independance. There are too many temptations. Especialy with the internet. Maybe you can find an article on teenagers that your husband will read with you. Try Focus on the Family. They have a wealth of info. Hope this helps.

Calling ahead of time to introduce yourself to the parents avoids moments like these. During the phone conversation you will learn if the parents will be home, etc. Your child might not like that you are calling ahead of time, but after a few times of learning that 'this is just what you do' when he is meeting new people he will accept. This will come in handy as he gets further into those teen years. I listened to late-teenage kids talk about how they didn't like how there parents did this at first, but as they grew older they were really glad their parents cared enough to make those calls.

My son just turned 15 and last year he was invited to a couple parties at friend's homes whom I had never met. I called the parents on both occasions and although he complained a little to his friends he knows that if he wants to go somewhere I will be calling first to check things out, otherwise he doesn't go. I have actually had several parents commend me on this decision and have heard them say they wished more parents would do the same! On the other hand I've known his best friend and his entire family for years and do allow him to go there once in a while when I know the parents might not be there the entire time. Even though my son does have a very good head on his shoulders it is my duty as his parent to make sure I am not putting him in an unsafe position where he may feel pressured to do something he wouldn't normally do. A friend of mine called all parents until her kids were 18 years old! Stay strong and just let her son know that's going to be the deal and if he doesn't like it he'll be staying home. Trust me, someday he'll thank you for it!

You did the right thing my not leaving your son alone in an unsupervised home. If anything horrible had happened, the first thing people would have said, "Where are the parents?" Being a parent is a big responsibility and if your husband went off on you; it's his problem for not understanding that you do not leave a teenager unsupervised in someone else's home; it's a gateway for mischief. It has nothing to do with your son no matter how well mannered he is; it's children that you don't know that you must be concerned about.

Kudos to you! I have done the same thing. Kids might fight it, but they appreciate the boundaries. I always tell them, "go ahead and make me the scapegoat if you don't want the kids to pick on you, but you know it isn't right". The peer pressure and the hormones is just too much, and though it is difficult, I am with you. Take the reins and guide them to adulthood. They earn their independence by making the right choices. Good for you.

i think until you know who this kid is that your child will be hanging with ..you did the right thing ....if you left him there and something bad happened your husband would have been angry about that too...it is right for your husband to say to give him a little more freedom and to be able to trust your son but i say BETTER SAFE THAN SORRY !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! trust is earned ....know who your kids are hanging out with ,,,,it makes a big difference........good influences are best to have around so make sure they are good influences for your child

PLAIN AND SIMPLE SOLUTION:
Correct- Your husband is right to trust your son
Incorrect- Your husband completely ignored the fact he knows nothing about the other child, their parents, etc-- YOU CAN"T TRUST the other child

SOLUTION: Unless you can trust AND have knowledge about both halves of the equation--the child does not get to go---especially when no parent is there...what turnip truck of blind trust did your husband fall off of? has he read a paper lately? turned on the news? we live in 2010--- not 1963.....don't be stupid.....and p.s.--your husband owes you an apology.

You were completely correct. If it was a long-time friend of your son's and you knew the family, then maybe it would be alright to leave them alone. I absolutely wouldn't leave my son (and he's a good boy) alone with a friend I didn't know when I hadn't ever met the parents. Good job, Mom!

NO WAY, If a parent is not home a child should not be allowed in a person's home. Too much is happening nowadays. It has nothing to do with trust it's using wisdom. I had a cousin lost his life being in someone's home and their parent wasn't home. The youths were playing and it escaladed into a fight and one stabbed the other out of anger. When that parent returned home she could not enter her home because it was a crime scene. Absolutely not! If something comes up missing out of the home, your son won't get blamed because he wasn't there. We have to make the wise judgement for our children and it has nothing to do with babying them or them being independent. Let them be independent in their own household not at someone else dad! Use wisdom!

Your child is now 14 years old, he has all the tools that you have taught him. It's up to him to make the right decisions and led to the right path. Yes, he'll make mistakes, but you need to trust him. How do you know if he was going there to do homework or just watch a movie. If there was a girl involved, now is a great time to talk about sex or abstinence. How would you react as a 14 year old girl. I know I would be irritated at my mom too. Time to cut the cord mom and let the child grow up.

You did the right thing. Kids that age can get into a world of trouble, even life threatening trouble. Especially since you didn't know the family. If it was a good friend, and the parents were coming home soon, that may have been ok. Your husband was wrong to go off on you for the decision. If he disagreed , there ate ways of discussing things in a rational manner. Also, you two are a team, both on the same side, so he should back you up. You never would have forgiven yourself if you didn't follow your instincts and something terrible happened. Your so, because he didn't complain too much was probably secretly grateful to you for getting him out of the situation.

I think you are right in going with your gut. You will have plenty of time to trust your son to make the right choices when he is away at college 4 years from now. These are important teenage years and I feel the more involved we are as parents, the better. I think deep down your son knows it too b/c he accepted your decision.

As a side note, I wonder if your husband would think you are babying your son if your 14 year old were a daughter ;)

You are correct and your husband is dead wrong. Trust your gut when it comes to your kids. Teenagers do not think straight and will do stupid things when pressured. I grew up as a teenager when it was all the rage to have a party at your house when your parents were gone and have everyone come and trash the place. I never did this but some of my friends did. I hope your husband did not yell at you in front of your son because that puts a chink in the united front parents need to have.

C., you are right right right and your husband, sad to say, is wrong wrong wrong. Never trust a kid you haven't even met! You know nothing of the kid or the family, and 14 is too young to handle what could easily have been an evening of drinking, drugs and disaster. I once yanked my 18-year-old out of such an evening and he was livid, but I told him I did not want him stuck without transportation in a situation he couldn't control. The more so for a 14-yr-old.

Good luck!

As a grandmother and mother of 5 you did the right thing. Kids can get into trouble vcery easy without trying and an unsupervised party can turn really bad in a hurry. It is not a matter of trust it is common sense.

It is a balancing act at this age, and I understand your husband's desire to help your son be independent. However, the fact that this was a new friend does make a big difference. I agree that calling and talking to the parents is essential in this situation. I have done the same and been met with very positive experiences all around. I have also let my son go to a friend's house (at about that age) that he's known since kindergarten and was surprised to learn no parents were home and they didn't run that by me. (this was for a sleepover). In fact, my son came home with a black eye and I was a bit perturbed that no one called me at all to tell me what happened. When I called the dad he said "oh we were out when that happened" and my response was, well I didn't know there would be no supervision! And my husband was like-boys will be boys. But what if something more serious had happened? Parents should communicate with each other about what's going on. Don't assume another parent has the same standards you have.
Eventually you are going to have to let him do this but only at places you feel are trustworthy and at the age you feel comfortable. The most important thing is to know your child, and teach him what is ok and what is not. Then if he finds himself in a difficult situation he can do the right thing.

Yeh, I totally agree with you and I am the same way and my son is 16.

I have to agree with you - but only because you don't know the family at all. I think in 3 yrs I can see letting my daughter be at a friend's house when the parents aren't there - but only friends that I KNOW. Lots of these girls have known my daughter since 1st grade or younger, so I know the kids really well and the morals of the kids. But a child that I don't know, nope. I would have no idea if the parents had alcohol, cigerettes, drugs or guns around - nor would I know the morals of that kid and if they will do that stuff or not.

So, I think your husband needs to read the above - without knowing the type of kid you are just asking for your kid to get in trouble.

C., I am on my fifth teenager to raise I have two more to go. From experience you did the right thing.
Stick to your guns a mothers insticnt can't be beat
Good Luck

I agree to always go with your mom heart and brain.
I am going to play devils advocate.
Does he have a cell phone? Have you spoken to him about what to do if he gets in a situation with others that he is not comfortable with the behaviors?
Do you get the feeling he would excuse himself from a bad or dangerous situation?

If your son is in high school and is a good kid, you should get ready to start trusting him to be out and about on his own. Soon he will be driving, his friends will be driving and he is going to need to learn that he is responsible for his behaviors. There are going to events where you will not always know all involved, be occasions when he is going to be at football games, impromptu gatherings and he will really want to participate.

He needs to know you can trust him to make the right decisions.
We made an agreement with our daughter, if she ever was in a situation that she was not comfortable in, just call us and we would pick her up, no questions asked.

We also were friends with lots of her friends and their parents and we all agreed our children could call us if they did not want to call their own parents. Again no questions asked. Our children had different parents phone numbers on their cell phones and so did we.

It makes a community of parents helping to guide our children.

I think you did ok. Your husband should let up on you a bit. But...did you even consider the idea that since you didn't let your son go there and that boys parents weren't home....do you think you could have invited him back to your home..so he would have company, maybe feel safe if he isn't normally left alone? You are soooo much in control (and not in the bad way) of your son, maybe this other boy needs or needed that care also. The friend could have called his parents on the cell phone and let them know he was invited to your house and you could of had a quick chat with them to reassure them that their kid was going to be in home with a parent home. They might have been thankful for you being hospitable to their son.

My kids are now grown, but I would have done exactly what you did - at 14, I would not have left my son or my daughter off w/ a friend w/o a parent until that late at night - I would have probably asked the boy to come to my house. By the time my daughter was a junior in high school, she would help a friend babysit or stay w/ her if parents were away - but my son did not.

One concern I had: having a boy and a girl 3 years apart...I didn't want her friends here when he was, when we weren't home, or his when she was home w/o us - so how do you make sure there is no sister at his friends' houses unless you just say no staying at a friend's house unless parents are home....

Another concern: one friend quickly turns to 2 and turns to a party. You have to really know a kid to let your son spend the evening at his house w/o his parents...and you didn't even know this boy.

There are no easy answers in life. I do not think you were babying your son or his friend. Never having to regret a decision about our lives is a wonderful thing. Saying no is hard but better then all the horrible things I can think about. Even if we know people there are things outside of our control that can happen. If my husband yelled at me like that oh hay that guy who did is my X now. Both my sons talk to me but not him. They also trust my decisions. Hope it does not happen again. No one needs more stress in this life.

I am 35, my parents were always the most protective of any of our friends. They had lots of policies that some thought were too much. We hated it at the time, and I did rebel against some of them, but my Mom was especially good at knowing what we were up to. My older sister bucked all kinds of authority, and has problems as an adult. My younger brothers and I knew when we were licked and just accepted what we could not get away with. The 3 of us are all productive adults with our own families. No problems with drinking, car accidents, tickets, drugs, sex, shoplifting, etc. Even my sister, who has problems as an adult, made it through her teenage and young adult years without any major issues.
Kids are pushing limits we never would have, I think you were entirely correct in not letting your 14 y/o son at an unsupervised party. If you know the family very well, then I don't see a problem with a few friends hanging out, but an adult free party, no way. Stick to your good instincts Mom. I am so grateful to my parents now, and will adopt those good policies with my children as they get older.

I would say MAYBE I would have allowed it if I knew the family very well and the parents had told me that ahead of time. You didn't know this so it all seems kinda fishy. I would not have let him stay under those circumstances. You were totally right to bring him home.

UMMM.I think that the fact that he respected your wishes without a fight says volumes...let him go next time..let him be "a man"..He loves his Momma and respect her wishes..thats a VERY good thing..I also think this is where your husband took acception..(but he don't count) LOL

I gave my son a lot of independence and am not saying this will happen to you but I felt I should let him go. I even at first had some parents inviting my son to their lake house, etc. later to find that they were doing some not so great things there and the parents weren't even there sometimes. So it was really to my shock and horror when I discovered that he was doing some bad things. And he began to exhibit signs of severe problems about the age of 18. We eventually had to take him to the hospital in what they called a 'manic' state. And he spent the last year in therapy and wrestling with a lot of issues. My husband felt that possibly drugs brought this on, doctors said he was bipolar, but whatever it was I think I was too lenient. I think now is the time you can still pull the reigns in. And if he gets older and feels you are too overprotective let him get therapy on his own. Your husband is right that you should trust him. it is the others we should not trust. The ones who make your or my child feel inferior if they dont do this or that, the people driving on the streets in the middle of the night who race or are drunk. We can only control life for so long. If you cannot stop your son then make a plan if possible about what will happen if there is drinking and drugs. Perhaps a text or call to you and a destinated quick meeting place. I know it sounds frightening as he is only 14 but it is not too early. Be on the lookout now for things. By the way I am happy to say my son is doing well now. He is working, in a college play and is doing fine in school after a long hard year. Remember we are not here to be friends to our children right now, something I think foolishly I was trying to do (the old ole please like me routine). We are here to protect them. Credit your husband for his good fathering and trust in his son. But give him some pointers. Your and my son do not live in the same world as dad or mom.

You were totally right to not let him stay. Without knowing the family/parents, you have NO idea what goes on in someone else's home or what there rules are in the home. Better to have your child upset, but safe in your home than doing whatever in someone else's home.

i think you did the right thing.. Me in your place even before leaving a kid in a friend house i would have to meet their parents and their house so i get to really know whats going on in there and how much does the parents care about what their and your kid are doing. so i would trust leaving my 14 yr old there.
its your kid, and you have a right to keep him save till he's 18, 21...or leave your house. Taking care of what its he doing and with who its not babying him...its teach him what is right and what is wrong. i wouldn't like that my kid bring a friend in my house without me or my husband (or any adult) there to keep them under control... so i don't think that the parents of that kid ware happy with his kid and friend alone in their house.
you did the right thing
remember that "trusting too much its dangerous"
that's my opinion.

I would have done the same thing! I think that should be the rule all the time. There will be other times to play anyway. More independence when your son is a couple years older maybe.