Teenager and a Friend That's Trouble

When I was a teenager I was a good kid. I hung out with "bad" kids and went to parties where there was drinking and drug use but I NEVER did it to. I was secure in myself and didn't feel the need. My frends all knew I didn't do those things and after they realized it they never even asked me to do it to. I ended up being the designated driver when they had to much and keeping a few girls safe from some no good guys. So it is possible to hang out with these kids and not be influenced by them. Keep in mind I had friends of all ranges from those who were viewed by their parents as "good kids" to the ones whom everyone assumed were drug users. I even had a girl offer me a sip of her vodka laced OJ at 7 am when we were walking from the bus station to school. Ironically, this was the type of girl no one would have guessed would be drinking.

That said you are on the right track. I agree that she should be on restriction for breaking curfew. I also agree that you are right in letting her hang out with her. It shows you trust her and also gives her the opportunity to use what youv'e taught her to make important decisions with the safety net and guidance of her parents near by. This is great practice for her before she is alone in college. It will help her understand the importance of choosing our friends. Still, be diligent and watch for signs of alcohol and drug use, talk, talk, talk, talk, about her choices and actions and let her know that you will be there no matter what. Now is a really good time to come to an agreement about her getting you to pick her up if she ever makes a bad choice and ends up drunk and in a situation where she is in trouble. I suggest letting her know that if she is ever in a situation when she needs you, you go and get her and then make a pact to talk about it in the morning. That way if she is drunk you can let her sleep it off and you have time to calm down and think about the best course of action.

Teens need to practice making their own decsions so they can make good ones when mom and dad aren't around, this is a good place to start.

Boy, I had a friend like this when I was younger - we're still friends and my mom STILL hates her... So, my advice would be to sit the two of them down and tell them what you expect from them. Tell them that drinking is NOT allowed if they want to be able to go out together. Coming home on time is a must, etc. The friend needs to know that you're serious but that you'll give her a chance. Also talk to your daughter about why you don't trust this friend very much - her myspace page, coming home late, not respecting your rules. I know you just want to completely cut this friend off from your daughter's life, but I don't think that ever really works. Especially when they're old enough to have friends that drive, or maybe even drive themselves. Teens will always find a way if they want to. Pound in their heads how important trust is to you and how it should be important to them as well - something they don't want to lose. Good luck to you and your daughter.

Ditto what Carol H. said. I had a talk with a girl who was a really bad influence on my child and on several other kids. I told her that I had her number and that I was going to keep my eye on her. I told her to go ahead and spend time with my son, but that I had certain rules and expectations. I laid them out and she respected them--at least until she decided it was easier to break up with him! lol Didn't hurt my feelings, and it made her the bad guy instead of me!

I knew that if I tried to forbid them from seeing each other, they'd just sneak off and do it anyway. But I did get really good at keeping him very busy (with both fun and not so fun things) so that when she wanted to get together he wasn't home or wasn't available.

Good Luck!

www.thosecrazybeans.blogspot.com

Have you tried talking to your daughter about it? If you tell her that you're worried she will be doing the same things this other girl is doing, not only will you get a great chance to discuss drugs, alcohol, and more with her, but she might actually listen to your worries and take note. Just don't force it down her throat or argue about it with her.

We are in a similar situation, though it hasn't gotten too bad, yet. We've really just limited our daughters contact with the bad influence. If they want to hang out, etc, it's at OUR house. If they go out, I'll suck it up and drop off and pick up so I make sure I know that they did go where they said they were. I also think the mother of this kid is to blame a lot too. Just about all the bad pics I've seen of this kid were in her own house and her mothers seen them too because I've seen her comments on them.
Good luck!

Twokids,

16 is a real hard age. But with that said ......your her mom and know best. When this happend to my daughtter. I made it impossible for her friend to want to hang with my daughter. I gave the rides and called my daughter all the time until the girl knew my daughter was not going to get away with the stuff she wanted to do. I was a haunt ! It worked like a charm. I made sure they were not alone long enough to have any bad fun. I was right .......the girl was trouble then and still is today. If you feel this one is trouble then step right on in.

D.

What about when they get to school and they are hanging out with the BAD friend? i cant control any of that and that is where the problem is.. i have the VP involved and counselors and the teachers but they cant do anything about it. I need her to quit following others and be her own person so she is not being led astray...

You've gotten lots of great advice, so I won't repeat anything. But, you may want to have a chat with your daughter about the long term consequences of social networking sites. Just as you researched your daughter's friends, employers do the same thing. Those pics aren't what they seem? I don't buy that for two seconds. Neither will a boss. If a boss sees questionable stuff online, your daughter won't get hired and, worst of all, she'll never know why because employers don't call and explain why you DON'T get the job.

According to the Wall Street Journal, between 30-50% of all employers do this. It's real and it does happen. Remind her that the internet is forever...

I'm not saying this is what your daughter is or will do, but if she's hanging out with a friend who does, there's always the possibility. With teen unemployment approaching 25%, it's something for you and your daughter to keep in mind.

Trying to restrict will probably make her more desirable.
Explain how you feel to your daughter and why you're not comfortable with her hanging out with this young lady. Encourage her to invite the friend to your home, to more appropriate events and to church activities. Perhaps your daughter can have a positive influence on this girl and perhaps your family can make a difference in the path she's on.
Be vocal and communicative about what it is you don't approve of and why. State limits and consequences and still by it.
My daughter also has a few friends that party. And while my daughter does not party, she does hang with them sometimes. Since they aren't doing what she wants to do anyway, she doesn't do it very often. But, I trust her to make the right decisions. So far, so good.
Good luck!

Hmmm, how to pick your children’s friends... now that is an interesting topic. How do you both get what you want? How do you do so and still remain friends? Tricky. Here is my suggestion.

Be her parent not her friend and let her decide.
Tell her what is expected of her, and let her make the decision.
Let her know your morals, your ethics and what you want for your children and let her choose.
Tell her about the amazing girl that she is, how you trust her and how you want her to make her own decisions, then let her decide.
Tell her how much you love her and respect her choices and let her choose her friends.

Here is the bottom line, can you tell her NO? Of course, will she listen? Maybe. Does she spend every minute with you and you know who she is speaking to or what she is doing all the time? Not likely. So you must pick your battles.

Kids need to make choices, good and bad ones. All you can do is parent them and guide them. They have more outside influences than you can possibly imagine. They can’t live in a bubble, they can’t be sheltered, all you can do is teach them and encourage them to make good decisions.

So there are no arguments offer her choices:
If she wants to hang out with this girl, they must hang out at your house.
If they want to go to the mall or to a restaurant, you drive her and pick her up at your determined time.
Plain and simple. Your daughter may not be happy with the limitations, but if she wants to hang with this girl she will do so within your boundaries.

Bottom line, love her and trust her. Will she make a bad choice, sure, can you control all her choices, no, nor do you want to.

Let her grow and learn and love and hurt and blossom and cry and all those other wonderful things teenagers must go through.

Love her.

B.
Family Success Coach

My two kids are 19 and 17. I never tried to choose their friends for them. I think that it is a bad idea on many levels.

But, while your daughter is under your roof it is good that you give her rules, curfews and such, as long as your rules are reasonable to keep her safe. You just need to remember that the issue is your daughter's safety; the issue is not whether you like all of the people that your daughter hangs out with.

Best wishes.

I don't know if she is driving yet, but my son who is 19 just went through this with us. We allow him to drive our vehicle to school and work and errands if necessary. He is a good kid but got involved with someone who we felt was a bad influence and was several years older. We decided to make him log all the miles he drives and only allowed him to go to school and work with the vehicle. If he needed to go on errands he had to account for that. Then we do spot checks to make sure he is keeping to his agreement. We had to clock the mileage to be able to know how much it was from place to place so it took some work, but they weren't places I wasn't going to so it was easy. We also made him do some more activities with us instead. He seemed to be reaching out for attention in some way so we decided to be the ones to keep his attention. We also would leave him when we went out of town and stopped doing that. We explained that there was a trust issue and it would be difficult to rebuild that trust as he had lied to us on several occassions. So we are still at it but he seems to have disassociated with the guy to my knowledge. It is hard when they get older, because parents are the dumbest people on earth! So we also had other people validate the same feelings we had about this friend so he would know it wasn't just us. You could limit her use of the computer, ie myspace account, or the phone, house or cell.If you aren't a friend on Myspace, become one even if you have to make up something....parents do it and you would be amazed how they accept the friend on the computer. That is another light bulb moment for you! Make her responsible for more things like laundry, chores, if she isn't already. That can be time consuming. Also try to spend more time with her, maybe one-on-one doing something she enjoys. I am fortunate that my son and I have a good relationship, I hope that is true of you and your daughter. Good luck and keep us posted.

I just read the book SHE SAID YES about Cassie Bernall who was shot and killed (murdered) by fellow students at Columbine High School. I'd go get a copy of this short book if you want an idea of how quickly a girl your daughters age can be influenced to her detriment and how dark things can get hanging out with the wrong friend. The book is written by Cassie's mom and she takes pains to describe how her family almost lost their daughter to various poor influences before they lost her in the shooting. Pretty eye-opening. Also, since you mention your daughter is active at church you may find this helpful... It's is an three-part article about worldly friends by a father with a lot of wisdom (I've met his family, the young adult "children" are wonderful):

http://www.titus2.com/corners/10-09-d.htm

http://www.titus2.com/corners/11-09-d.htm

http://www.titus2.com/corners/12-09-d.htm

I wish you all the best ~ S.

Ok first I think doing a "myspace" background on your teen's friend is just sad. Your daughter obviously likes this girl for a reason and you need to try and understand what that is. Ask her. You can also tell her that you've seen this girl's page-maybe even show it to her- and ask her if she thinks it's "cool" or wrong. And I hate to tell you this but at 16 I'm sure your daughter is drinking as well.

Have you had a conversation with your daughter about this girl? If her foundation is stable, she may be trying to help this girl! I was very active in church and the people in my classes at school were all going to parties and drinking/doing drugs. Thankfully, they respected me enough never to do drugs in front of me but they did drink and I was their designated driver (Like Mary Ann's experience).

Maybe your daughter is susceptible to following this girl. If so, don't you want her to be able to have a good relationship with you and trust you to be able to ask advice and talk? If you restrict her from seeing the girl, she will (most likely) start lying to you and hang out with her anyway. Then, she can't come to you for advice when she runs into trouble because she had lied to you about being with her in the first place. Also, is your daughter on restriction period? Or on restriction from the girl? If your daughter broke a rule/expectation, she should have a consequence. If she is on restriction from the girl then it seems like it is the friend's fault - not your daughter's. She is old enough to take responsibility for her actions. Restrict her from everything for her bad choice not from a girl because of the girl's bad choice. Does that make sense?

I suggest going to dinner or Starbucks with your daughter and bring the girl up in the conversation... without your input, let her tell you what she thinks... if you have raised your daughter with the good foundation that it sounds like she has, she knows this girl is not good for her. Good luck to you - I can't emphasize enough how important it is for you to keep open communication and trust with your daughter.