Teenager Boundaries Re Cell Pone and Computer

I think that the first boundaries that need to be set are of Mother and Child. Children need boundaries, especially teenagers.It sounds like she does not respect you therefore you will have a difficult time making any progress with her. I think some family counseling might be in order. Good luck.

You have gotten some great advice. I am "friends" with my kids on myspace and facebook, and most of their friends are my "friends" too. I have told my teenagers, that it is my JOB as a mom to make the rules. They don't have to like it. I am only an a-hole when you make me be one.
Cell phone and computer use are only allowed if grades and other responsibilities are taken care of. If your grades drop or you don't keep up with your room, hand over the phone. Have her sign a contract about it. Be specific of what you expect.
On the other hand, if she has good grades, her room is clean and is being respectful to you and other house members she gets to keep her phone ALL night.
Kids need to realize that these things are privileges. We do NOT have to give them EVERYTHING just because everyone else has one. I call BS, not everyone has this stuff!! And another thing, I don't care if your dad gave it to you, if you are not holding up your end of the bargain, you lose it.
A big key with teens is to speak to them on their level. Sit down and say what you are feeling and why. I was called a DICTATOR. Hahahaha, I laughed, and agreed! You don't live in a democratic society until you are moved out and are paying your own way. As long as I pay the bills I make the rules. Oh and if I ask who you are speaking with or texting, you better answer me. That is not YOUR phone, you don't pay the bill, even if dad pays it, you have the right to know who they are talking to. At any time I will pick up their phones, if there is anything inappropriate, I delete it and take it away. I sound like a hard a&&, but I have only had to do this stuff ONE time. They got the message. My boys are 19 and 17 and my daughter is 12. We are very close, they tell me pretty much everything. But I ask alot of questions all the time. We pray together, we eat dinner together, we play board games, we hang out and laugh ALOT! My boys dont attend church with me any longer but my girl does. GOD is a very important factor in our lives.
This is getting long, but another good secret, your kids need to think that at any time you may just LOSE IT. Go whacko on them, scare the beejeezus out of em. I am short and have to look up to my boys, but they are never sure what I will do. Don't try me,you never know!! LOL, it is a joke around my house that I am crazy, but in the back of their minds, they really never know if I will go off or not. It works, trust me!!
Good Luck and GOd Bless!!!

I honestly think you need to put key-logger on her computer. Every key she types on her keyboard will show up. The key logger is hidden on the computer, and can only be accessed by you with the password.

You can get a list of all of her social sites, along with the passwords, but she can always create another one that you know nothing about. But if you have key-logger, she can't hide that from you.

Set up rules and make her follow them. If she doesn't like your rules, then take away everything. If she do not comply, take further action. Put your foot down. Believe it or not, teens want boundaries, and rules.

Everyone may think I'm crazy, but I work with teens. Most of them tell me everything. Including this I don't want to know. Kids are just as smart as we were, when we were their ages. Just in a different way.

If you don't get her under control now, you can look forward to nothing but stress for the next 3 years.

Sorry don't have time to read all your responses so forgive me if this is duplicated. I have a friend who uses AT&T cell service & has it set to turn her son's text ability off at 8pm every night.

Always remember that you are the parent and the adult. if you have a decent relationship with the dad it might be a good idea to discuss this with him and let him know your concerns. If not then here's my thought. Telling a 15 year old that you want to protect her from predators is going in one ear and out the other. She is going to say it won't happen to her. AT least if you are saying it in the heat of the moment.

You are right to put some boundaries on her use of the computer and phone. There's a time and place for everything and after a certain time of the night the phone and computer need to be turned off and she needs sleep. It might help to include her on the time that this will happen so she feels she has had some say in the situation.

Not sure why now she has moved back with you after being with Dad for the past year and a half. Dad's are usually, not always, the ones who tend to put fewer boundaries on things. It makes things difficult when the kids are with you but that's another story in itself.

You say you are semi computer literate. Become computer literate so that you are better able to keep up with things that are going on in the cyber world. Have your daughter teach you how to use things. Make it a fun time where she gets to show Mom a few things.

Remember that she is a girl and as a girl she is going to have those huge swings of emotions. I'm sure you had them too. Reinforce how much you love her and remember that you are the adult and she is your child. She is trying to see how far she can push you as seen in the example of saying she will take away your things if you take away hers.

As an aside, my daughter (she's only 7 so I have all this to look forward to) and I will not answer the phone during dinner. That was one of her ideas and a good one that I intend to stick to to help me in the future when she wants to answer her phone during that time. Also, I taught high school freshmen for 16 years so I was well aware of how girls behaved at that time. It would amaze me at how the spoke to their parents! I would tell them not to talk to their parents that way and then the parents would "get" it. You are the parent and want to make her safe for as long as you can. She is trying to spread her wings and become independent.

I'm sure you are doing a great job! Hope anything I said helps.

Yes there need to be boundaries, but you will be the "bad guy". Our 16 year old has a 10 pm curfew on all electronics on school nights and midnight on weekends. If she doesn't turn off her phone or I catch her on her phone she loses it for a day. The second offense she loses it for two days. The third offense she loses it for a week. We've never gone past the seond offense because I followed through and she lost her phone for a solid 48 hours. Her excuse was always "they call me" which is why we have her turn it off. There is a lot going on with My Space and Facebook, and I would be very concerned about the information she puts out there. You didn't say if she came to live with you willingly-that may have a lot to do with how rebellious she becomes. This is a tough age and there are huge issues about control. I would recommend you communicate to her that you are limiting her phone and computer time so she can manage other aspects of her life-such as school work and sleep and make sure she knows it's not about control. Good luck!

I don't know who your cell phone service is with but there are several companies out there that allow you to set parameters.... Such as you can limit the time of day she receives phone calls, text messages, etc. You do this online and change the information as much as you want. My BFF has this and her daughter doesn't even know and of course doesn't tell her. You could gradually change the time limits so she doesn't catch on. Good luck.

This 15 year old will take your cell phone and computer???Just who the (?><#@%! does this kid think she is? Did she purchase her iphone herself? Does she pay the bills? Of course she should be restricted to limited calls and time on the computer. These things should be turned off at a certain time each night and if necessary, put in your room. Take steps now to block our unacceptable places on the computer and cell phone. A counselor at school should be able to instruct you on how to do this. If not, then the company that sold it can. This young lady has been with her father for 1 1/2 years. Is he married? She was probably given free reign because someone didn't want the responsiblity to guide her and teach her, so it is now your job to let her know that at 15 SHE DOES NOT CALL THE SHOTS! If she wants to visit a juvinile detention center to get an eye-opener, make arrangements.

D. my daughter is 16. She has had to learn about boundaries on these things as well. Her father, whom she is living with this year, is very strict about these things so I guess in that we have it easier in our task when she is with us. We have a rule about both the computer and her cell phone. She is not allowed to use either during the school day nor while homework is to be worked on. Also the cell phone is turned off and on the charger at bedtime. The charger is kept in our kitchen area so that it is not in her room to tempt her. The computer is used ONLY in a communal area and only with permission. While this may seem archaic, it is working for us. Talk to your daughter, don't just force these changes on her. Let her know why you are wanting to change her usual freedom. Don't make it a punishment. My daughter knows and understands why we are asking this of her because we discussed it with her prior to starting our policy. I'm not saying you need to use our policy, come up with one that works for the two of you and get her involved and understanding before you start using it. Once they are teenagers they NEED to feel as if they have some say, not like they are being dominated. I hope this makes sense. :)

You need to set rules, and in a power struggle, you always need to win. Maybe not too strict at first, but at the very least, the electronic need to sleep in your room. At least on school nights, from a half an hour before her bed time, till she is up and dressed, no electronics. She needs her sleep. If she isn't getting her homework done, more restrictions need to grow from the bare minimum. Taking YOUR cell phone or laptop ISN'T an option. You need to draw the line, and then move it as you need. You need to make sure you set that line at a place you can win.

I do caution against too many restrictions at first. I read a great story about the Killer whales they teach to jump over the rope above the pool. The rope starts on teh bottom of the pool, and they give the whale treats for swimming over it. The rope gradually gets mover higher in the pool, getting treats as the job gets harder, until the rope is far over the pool and the whale is jumping high. It didn't happen over night.

GOod luck.

Hey D., aren't teenagers a blast! No wonder the good Lord makes babies sooo adoreable!! LOL!!
You have great firm and loving advice. I don't know who your cell phone carrier is, but I have had Verizon & now ATT and I go online and can check EVERYTHING!! I can see what number was called, on what day, at what time. My kids know this. They also know that I have the right to shut the phone off. You can block internet (I don't subscribe to it) texting, etc.. You can even call your provider and they can set that up over the phone. And believe me they have heard of the "teenager in trouble" story many times. In fact, they are VERY understanding. I think its a been there or am there thing.
I know you can put blocks on the computer too, but I'm not as versed in that. Call your internet provider on that.
Hang in there, I'm praying for all us MWTs, Moms With Teenagers!! Keep calm, cool, & tough!

Your house...your rules!

I like the idea of being a 'friend' on Facebook or MySpace. We did that with out daughter. She did try to have a 'secret' account (you have to check out her freinds accounts to figure this out b/c she won't 'friend' you with the secret account). Anyway, when we found out - she wasn't allowed back on the computer unless we got all of her passwords.

She allowed us in and it gave us more control over what she's doing.

Good luck!

First off - you are the PARENT...she is the CHILD. Yes, even at 15, she's still the child. You set the rules. If you decide the phone needs to go off at 10:30 so she can get a good night sleep, that's the rule. We did go through that with my daughter and she was needing more sleep. I would have her had me the phone when she went to bed and I gave it back first thing in the morning. You can put a password on your computer and only log onto it when she has finished her homework. Check with your local library to see if they have any computer classs that might help you with your computer concerns. Good luck and hang in there!

D., I don't have any teens now and when I had my step daughter at that age, we didn't have cell phones or computer to deal with so I feel for ya.

I recently helped my daughter with her 15 year old daughter, who was doing all of the same thing. My sister had obtained her passwords to her myspace & facebook because she had found some really bad test msging on her cell phone. So she demanded the information. It wasn't pretty and she found that her daughter was communicating with men in their 30's & 40's who were wanting to meet up with her. Not good at all.

My sister just gave her back her cell phone after about a month. She installed a system on it called Radar. There is a site you can go to called radar.com to get the information. It is a monthly fee and I think it is about $10 per month and what it does is allows you and your daughter to decide what list each friend goes on (Safe; Caution; Red Alert) If a safe friend sends her a text or she sends one back it doesn't notify you, however if it is on one of the other lists, The text not only goes where it was sent but also goes to you in an email form for you to see it word for word or even the picture. This isn't something you could hide from your daughter. She will know that the Radar is on the phone and when it is sent to you. My sister sat down with her daughter and they set up the list together and as my sister sees nothing alarming she will move them as trust is established.

My sister also installed a Key Logger on the computer. Don't know much about them but she told me it tells her every site her daughter goes to and provides each and every key stroke so she now knows all emails, passwords and other information. Her main concern is to keep her daughter safe from the preditors out there. It doesn't sound that extreme for your daughter but thought I would give you the 411.

I hope this helps

YOU are her parent, she is still a minor living in your house. You do have the right to set boundaries for her, especially if her activities are impacting her sleep and her school work. She's just being a teenager and testing her limits with you. You'll need to find a way to limit her usage without alienating her. I'd suggest setting reasonable phone hours (no calls after 10 pm, before 6 am) and not allowing facebook/computer time until homework/household chores are done. The ipod may be less of an issue b/c I know many people who need the music to block out environmental noises to get the homework done (my DH was one of those!)

Good luck...teen can be trying, but remember that if you didn't care about her well-being and love her, you would not set boundaries!

Dear, D.
You have your hands full, If you call your C-Phone company they can send you a copy of the text messages that she is sending and receiving also get someone to help you with checking her computer to see what she is doing, sometime our kids surpise us and they are just being kids, but you do need to talk to her about your concerns and set some rules.

I hope this will help

She is not entitled to a cellphone, computer, etc. It must be EARNED! Her job is school and your job is mom!! 1st priority!
My oldest is 17, finally got a cellphone this year and it has been taken away once (all that was needed).
Since you are semi-computer literate, she is smarter than you. Don't try to get any gimmicks-she will know and it will hurt your relationship. HOnesty is best with teens.
Who pays the bill for this phone? That could be discussed also-show her the bill. Definitely set it up for unlimited texting(cost me$20 put it is a set amount).
No matter what she threatens you with, you have to follow thru.
Just a reminder, as teens, they are supposed to question society and she is just seeing what she can do. YOu have to remind her what life is really like-no one gets privileges without earning them.

Wow! I was glad to read your post! Our 15 year old son tries the same stuff with his Ipod and the computer. (not the mouthy part, he learned that lesson a while back...) But my youngest CLAIMS he can do his homework with the Ipod or the TV on....or while chatting on the computer.
But we know otherwise.
He is not a big talker, so the cell phone isn't a problem---but we sure have Ipod and computer issues. My husband and I gave him his Ipod touch for Christmas. We tell him, it was a gift to him, but WE bought it. Therefore, WE own it and he is using it as long as he follows our rules.
His grades and household repsonsiblities are tied to his privilege of the electronics. When grades slip or he doesn't take care of his room, or his clothes, his chores....he loses the Ipod. I "hold it until you can get your act together" and when he shapes up, he gets Ipod back. But he has to prove to us that he is mature enough to handle school, time management and fun things.
For the computer, we have parental controls that allow us to change and control the password, look up his internet history....etc.....and the computer is kept in a main area of the house.
Try "safe eyes." Dave Ramsey mentions it on daveramsey.com We haven't purchased it yet, but it is a screen for inappropriate material on computers and even Ipods.
Hope that helps. Good luck!

Hi D.,
She is at a tough age, as you know! Does she have any outside interests? Does she dance, play sports? She really needs some other interests other than school and friends. Is she newly 15 or is she closer to 16? Maybe she can get a job as a life guard this summer? They take them at 15 and she can earn some money and it will keep her away from the electronics! Does she have responsibilities at home? You can control her cell/computer by her grades, responsibilities at home and her attitude. And there is always volunteering where she will learn alot about helping others in need, who don't have the perks she has right now. I hope this helps. I'm a mom of 8, so been thru 15 several times!

Seriously? Any kid of mine who told me I couldn't do something would very quickly lose every freaking privilege he/she ever had. She just threatened you with theft as retaliation for you doing your job as a parent. I think there is more than ADD going on, and I think some family counseling sessions are in order. I don't think you have done anything wrong at all, but she is clearly used to getting her way, and that is a very dangerous thing at this age. What happens when she is able to drive? Is she going to take your car if you ground her for something? This should be nipped in the bud now and I think you need an objective third party to work with all of you during this transition.

Hi D.,
I didn't read all the responses but wanted to offer my sympathy--you've got your work cut out for you! It will be tough to start making and enforcing boundaries when she's had none for the last year and a half. My oldest is 12 and we really don't have any phone/ipod/computer issues yet, but I will say that I am very firm in not allowing TVs or computers in bedrooms. My kids have been begging for their own TVs for years (it seems all their friends have them) but I put my foot down. Computers too. Screen time needs to be limited! They have a TV to share in the playroom and their own little office with a desktop computer that is in a public area so I can look in on them whenever I want. But nothing in their bedrooms! Also, my brother has a 13 year old who looks and acts 17. If she makes anything below a B on her report card, or if she gets a bad grade on a test, he takes the phone away from her. Sometimes just for a couple of days, sometimes for a week, depending on how bad the grade is and if it appears to be becoming a pattern. Knowing that he will take her phone makes her limit her time on it because she KNOWS she has to get her work done and get adequate rest, otherwise her grades will suffer and poof, there goes her phone. I can't imagine a child telling a parent that she will take THEIR phone away. That is incredibly disrespectful. You may want to consider some family counseling. Your daughter seems to have not learned (or maybe forgotten, while she was with her dad) who is in charge. It is your house, she has to live by your rules, period. If she doesn't like it she can go back to dad! Although I suspect the reason she's not with dad anymore is because he couldn't handle her. You have to remember that it is more important to be her parent than to be her friend right now, which means that she is probably not going to like you very much. But you want her to stay on the right path and stay out of trouble, which means she MUST have boundaries and limits. If you need to lock up your own phone and computer so she won't steal them, then that's what you'll have to do. But she needs to know there are no calls or computer after a certain time at night, and if it happens she loses her phone. She has to keep her grades up, or she loses the phone. That phone is her lifeline and if you follow through, she will shape up because she won't enjoy being without it. She will scream and cry but you must stand firm. Try to remember that as much as she protests, she actually really wants and needs boundaries, because they give her a sense of security. Imagine how scared we would all be if there were no laws governing our behavior--that's how a teen with no limits feels. Everything is out of control. They are gaining independence and trying to separate from parents, so they tell themselves they don't want rules and limits, but in reality living without rules is scary because they aren't emotionally mature enough to set their own boundaries. It sounds like she may have more issues than just ADD, so you may have to get a professional counselor/therapist involved. OMG, I don't envy you! Although I may be in your shoes in a couple of years! Best of luck to both of you.

Here's my two cents worth (you've got so much good advice that you're probably overloaded). This is going to sound helplessly out of date, I know, but is there some reason why having text messaging is truly necessary? If she has a cell phone, essentially, for safety and security reasons (i.e., you can reach her and she can reach you in an emergency or when needed for a ride, etc.) then isn't that enough? I'd call your provider and have the text shut off. We did this with our phones. We don't want to pay for it or use it, so we don't. I make this point because the advice you've received so far primarily centers on controlling your teenage daughter, which is a lot tougher than controlling the technology. I'd think about reminding yourself that YOU control the technology she uses, especially since she's threatening to take your "cell phone and/or computer." These are privileges that you can remove and shut off if she doesn't respect the rules you set and you should remove them and/or shut them off to make that point. Don't hesitate or tell yourself that the ability to text message is some sort of natural rite-of-passage because it isn't. Then, as time permits, I'd suggest that you get COMPLETELY computer literate, at least literate enough to feel confident enough to know what you do and do want in your home when it comes to computer use. Honestly, I believe that teenagers are in far more jeopardy from alcohol, bad teenage driving and more immediate, physical risks than they are from Facebook and MySpace, despite the fact that these things get so much news coverage. But the computer, cell phone and iPod are expensive time-wasters if not used wisely and if you don't understand much about them, you won't be able to stand toe-to-toe with your daughter when you need to on these issues. I wish you the best of luck! (PS: I have a 14-year-old wired stepson who lives with limits he doesn't like, but tough luck!)

#1 You are the parent and what you says goes. No comprimising with your child. Thats it!

T-mobile has a plan that allows you to give her a certain amonut of minutes to use. You can increase and/or decrease when you feel the need. When she is out of minutes she will be able to call you, 911 and I think one other number. There is a program called net nanny for the computer as well. You may also want to let her know you have a different set of rules in your house verus her dad's house. But as you tell her that you will have to be willing to enforce your rules.

I remember being a teen talking all hours of the night. But I would have never ever told my mom that I was going to take something away from her. She was the adult and I followed her rules like it or not. No was far as internet we didnt have that growing up. We have decided that there will be no computers in the bedrooms. ( Your the adult if you have on in your room thats fine but its eaiser to do as you do than do as you say). With in reason set the rules. No net phone after ten. OMG yeah ten is time for her to get some rest. If she says she is going to take something away from you ask her what you did wrong? thinking she will say what did she the daughter do wrong. Tell her nothing besides not being responsible about getting sleep and taking care of her body. You dont stay up or get woken by friends.

here is a good one for monitoring her cell phone use:
http://www.mymobilewatchdog.com/
I think if the cell phone/laptop are interfering with her sleep, you should just take them away every night at bedtime, and lock them up if you have to! She needs her sleep and she needs boundaries!
Another thing I think is important is to make her give you a list of what social sites she is on (facebook, myspace, etc.) and her username/password for each one. Log in periodically to make sure the password she gave you is the right one. If you feel you need to, read her messages, look at her pictures, etc. But make sure you talk to her often about WHY you want to keep tabs on her. Not because she is a bad kid necessarily, but b/c there ARE predators online. Make sure she knows what is appropriate to post online. No last name, no phone numbers, no addresses, no class schedules, no provocative pictures, etc. Explain that even responsible adults don't post these types of things online! I'm not sure what type of computer software there is out there, but maybe you could install something that records each webpage she visits and sends the info to you? Or stores it in such a way that she cannot delete it? Every computer has a log of this info, but it's easy to delete it.
And then you will need to set clear lines that if she crosses, there will be a specific punishment. Like if she creates a secret myspace account, you will take the computer away for X amount of days. Make sure the consequences are very clear.
I hope it works out for you and you can get her to understand that it IS your right to protect her and it's for a very good reason =)

Ah! sounds like you need to show her who is in authority.
yes I think they should have their homework done & any other chores you might have for her & when their completed before you give her the privilege of her cell & the computer. Even though she has had complete freedom with her ipod, cell, computer, she needs to know right off the bat that you're the mom & she is to respect that. Who pays her cell phone bill?
If she has people calling & texting all during the night it sounds like she may be in the wrong social crowd. I have twin 17 yr old daughters they will be 18 in 2 months & not even at their age does their phone go off all during the night. Maybe you need to put your computer where she cannot access it put a key lock on your closet or something & keep your cell in your pocket. & keep her cell in the room with you as few nights & inform whomever is calling & or texting that it is disrespectful & inappropriate to contact anyone that time of night unless its an emergency. As for the computer you can look in the history & see what websites she is going on. (if you need help doing that...email me & I will guide you through it.)
At her age, if she is threatening you that you cannot take her's or she'll take yours, it sounds like if you don;t get the bluff in on her quick, she is going to cause you some heartache later on. Dont get me wrong, my girls have smart mouths, but they know I have called & had thier phone disconnected many times as punishment. When they earned the privilege of getting them turned back on, I'd call Alltel (now verizon) & get them turned back on.(no charge to do that) That's one option for you. Rather than take her phone get it deactivated then when you feel she deserves it, call them back & ask them to activate. I was just honest & told them my girls needed some privaleges taken away & I wanted the phone off & all txt messaging blocked. You can always take the computer cord & hide it, or if its a laptop & a wireless connection to the computer you can take the power cord to the modem,infact you can do that rather than take the computer cord, then she cannot get on the internet at all until you connect it back. Lock the cord in the trunk of you car if you have too,
I would like to add this.....I dont know if you go to church or not,& not sure what area you live in, but I just moved to Texas & am in search of a Church & have been drawn to this one everytime I pass it & have been asking around about it I have heard that Faithbridge Church on the corner of Center & Spencer in Deer Park has an excellent youth program with alot of teenagers. That might would help her alot to get her in a good youth group at a local church near you.
Best wishes!

All teenagers need boundaries...Heck all kids need boundaries. But as for her threatening you with taking away your cell phone and/or your computer that is something you really need to get a grip on. Who does she think she is? If I had even thought of threatening to take anything away from my parents when I was growing up, it would have been all over but the crying..and i raised my girls like that also. Hun you need to get control over her and now, or else it is going to be hard on you the older she gets. Maybe a weekend sleepover at juvie hall is what she needs.

You mentioned she had ADD> Has anyone taken her to the Dr and gotten her on the medication she might need to help her. My youngest granddaughter has been diagnoised with ADD and she has been put on meds for it. Now let me tell you, she is a pistol with her Mom, but when she is here with her grandpa and I for the summer she is about as normal as a child can be.