Teenagers Trick-or-treating & Dishonesty Consequence

I have no problem with teenagers trick or treating. As long as they're in costume, they get candy. So, for that matter, do parents in costume. I think it's funny. People who don't won't give her any candy. It'd be pretty obvious whether it's worth it to her or not.

I would walk through fire before my daughter spent the night with her friend this Halloween because of her attitude towards you about it. Bad behavior must never get what it wants. I probably would not let her trick or treat either, because of it - or would at least leave her hanging until I saw how she took the other news. (Taking it with Grace would probably earn her the privilege of going - whereas throwing a temper tantrum that lasts 8 days would not.)

JMO
S.

AFter teaching for several years I noticed that in this area of Texas, kids trick or treat on through their senior year. I personally think it's ridiculous for them to do that, and if I were handing candy out, I probably wouldn't give anything to them. I know it sounds harsh, but they can get a job and get their own candy. Let's leave the trick or treating to the kids. I think I may have stopped at 10, and then I felt to old to do it. Older kids just didn't do that in NE Texas. We considered it kind of a kiddie tradition after that. It's hard for me to understand older kids going door to door begging for candy if that makes sense. This is all JMHO, and I don't mean to offend if I do. I'm usually not this "harsh" in my responses.

I agree with Erika...Trick - or - treating? For real, whats the big deal...It is pretty fun and if she and her friends are wearing costumes, I see nothing wrong with it at all.

Wow...it is time to call "game over!"

As long as it was a discussion of whether or not it is OK for a teen to trick or treat you could go either way without a problem. When she did an end run around you, played you and the ex against each other, AND recruited another parent to be deceptive the game changed. If she were my child, she would not be going anywhere with ANYONE that night. She would spend the evening sitting on the side of her bed without phone, tv, computer, music or any thing else to do besides contemplate her actions. No sleeping - no flopping on the bed - sit up sister and think about it! Boredom is the Kryptonite of all teenagers! This is the time to use that to your advantage. I would not bend an inch no matter how much she howls. Nor would I show the least amount of negative emotion towards her. I would simply say how sad it makes me to have to discipline her this night and you sincerely hope you never have to go through this with her again. Let her know that if she chooses not to comply, her world - as she knows it - will change dramatically, for a long, long time, and she will not enjoy it. Get your ex on board and stand firm together. If you will, your daughter will think twice about pulling this sort of stunt again. If she gets away with it, you are in for a lot more of the same escalating behavior in the years to come. One night of misery is worth avoiding years of pain.
PS. Don't hover. Let her misery be hers alone. Do not spend the evening in the room "counselling" her. YOU do something nice for yourself. Watch a movie, etc. If she gets loud, go where you can't hear her. Do not let her give her problem to you. The next day, when she has had plenty of time to contemplate the situation and she is calm - then you sit down with her and discuss the situation. But you don't argue or speak to one another disrespectfully. You counsel her on how this could have been handled differently. This is an issue of right vs. wrong - not a matter of dressing up. Forgive her, love her, and move forward.

Good luck, M..

Hi Diane!

You've gotten tons of responses so I will try to not be super wordy! Aleta's response triggered some thoughts from me. She is right about picking your battles and considering why you have the rule and were you sticking to the rule just "to stick to it." Now, on the flip side you do have a major issue with your daughter's response to your rule. She was disobedient to your authority. Your initial question mentions youth group. Because you said that, I will assume that you both are Christians. If this is true, then addressing the heart issue of disobedience towards your authority is very important to address. The how you address it is just as important as needing to address it. I am a new M. so I do not pretend to know how to best tell you to respond. I would however, HIGHLY recommend you grabbing a copy of the book "Shepherding a Child's Heart" by Tedd Trippe and trying to get a quick overview and then hit the section on teenagers. This book will help you to respond to your daughter's heart issue, rebellion against your authority, in a loving and biblical way which can lead to spiritual growth for both of you as well as mending some things in your relationship. I pray for you as you tackle such a difficult thing. God has called you to tackle it, and He can equip you to tackle it as well.

I'm not crazy about teenagers trick-or-treating either, but I do give them candy, especially when they're in costume and/or helping little ones trick-or-treat. My cousin has a rule that no one taller than she is gets any candy. She's as short as I am, so that cuts out a lot of the older kids.

As for the discipline, your daughter knew what your rules were, and she chose to be misleading (at best). That needs a consequence.

By the way, if the people who responded "get over it" would stop to think, I bet they wouldn't remember too many times when they were upset or confused and asked for help and APPRECIATED having someone say flippantly, "get over it." Just a gentle reminder, and I apologize if I'm out of line here. It just jarred me to see that sort of thing on what is generally a gentle and helpful site.

So Halloween is over and I am just now seeing this request. I am responding anyway, because this is a HUGE pet peeve of mine.

Trick or treating should only be for elementary school children. Middle school children should be encouraged to host/attend a party. Once you are old enough to drive, you are old enough to get a job and buy your own candy.

I am tired of the "children" (with razor stubble!) who come to my door expecting for me to give them something, when they are in their school clothes or jeans and t-shirt. I always told my children that after elementary school, you are not trick or treating. You are conducting a socially recognized form of begging. I don't give candy out to anyone over about 12 years of age. And I tell them why.

Regarding your daughter's behavior, since you didn't make her stop when you told her to (at age 13), she probably figured she could get past you. Take a stand and reinforce your rules to her. Punish her appropriately and firmly for violating the rules, and hold her accountable for following your rules. After all, she lives in your house. When she moves out, she can do whatever she wants. Until she can afford that, she follows your rules. My two sons are 23 and 20 and still live at home. They are still held accountable for following our household rules.

I am a mother of 3, grandmother of 6, and I've been through all the battles.
1. I used to live in a neighborhood where people literally bussed kids over for the night. I resented greatly the teenagers UNLESS they were with a little brother or sister. I gladly gave out candy to those who were helping a younger child.
2. The problems I had with grabbing handsful of candy, etc., were always the TEENAGERS! They are too old to be participating unless as in #1.
3. Get ready, M., because you've just had a taste of what you are going to experience over and over and over. When a teen can't get her way, the "spend-the-night" routine is always the next step. I regret so many times I gave in!!!!
4. What was good for your sons is also good for your daughter! Why should she be treated any different????
5. Having said all this, I would have a heart-to-heart with your Ex and ask him to come up with an appropriate consequence for her trying to manipulate the both of you. Get together on this or she'll drag you through stuff you can't even fathom right now.
As for the foreign exchange student, take her to a party!

Your daughter reminds me of me at that age! I think I trick-or-treated until about 16 years old. I've been thinking about this question myself, since my oldest daughter is 13. She is going out this year . . . but I'm not sure what I'll do going forward. I personally have no resentment towards teenagers trick-or-treating, I just prefer them to let the little kids go first . . . so, they should wait until a little later in the evening.

Now, about the "going around you" (which is what I did quite a few times as a teenager!), unfortunately I think you need to discipline her. Usually you want the punishment to fit the crime . . . which may mean not letting trick or treat at all. As with any child, at any age, she needs a reminder that there are consequences for her actions. Good luck.

My personal opinion is that teenagers should still be able to trick-or-treat as long as they still dress up in costume and are respectful. It bugs me when teenagers show up at my door dressed normally and thrust a candy bag in my face. But as long as they are doing it right I'm all for them trick-or-treating. I think we send teenagers very mixed messages, one minute we're telling them to remember they are still a kid and not to grown-up so fast, but then when they want to do something like trick-or-treating we tell them they're too old. I'm also touchy about it because I have an 11 year old who is very big for her age, so people think she's a teenager and act like she shouldn't be trick-or-treating, when in reality she's still very much a kid who is very into trick-or-treating.

I don't think it's wrong for teenagers wanting to trick-or-treat. We have teens come to our door dressed up on Halloween night and I always think it's refreshing that they still enjoy doing this. Let your daughter have fun! As for her dishonesty, I guess you'll have to discipline her just like you do when your kids break the rules. But please don't force your kids to grow up on your schedule. They're only young once.

On the trick or treating, pick your battles. It's cute that she still wants to do that (as long as she isn't going out dressed as something sleazy). I wouldn't worry about whether or not the neighbors approved of it. I don't think most people care or even notice how old the kids are. I know adults that borrow kids so they can still dress up and go. It's fun!

I would worry about the dishonesty though. It may seem harsh (and it may be harsh) but I would not let her do anything this year, no trick or treating, no church party, no sleep over, no giving out candy at the door at the house. It would be "room service at the no-holiday inn for you, kiddo". She is way too old to be excused for that kind of deceit. And if she has a car, she should loose that for the weekend, too. At sixteen they aren't going to tell you everything (and I'm sure I didn't want to know absolutely everything my daughter did), but they need to know you are watching and caring and won't tolerate dishonesty. Let her know that you respect her opinions by listening to her, and that she must respect yours by listening to you. Trust is esential in any relationship and it is something that, once destroyed, is very difficult to earn back. Good luck, God bless.

Ok, here goes:

1) Is she to old.... In my opinion no. As long as they are dressing up, acting correctly I don't see any reason why they can't be "kids" act silly, wear goofy, scarey, whatever your preference is costumes for one night a year. She doesn't have many of these left and if she feels comfortable wanting to be a kid every now and then who's it hurting?

We are constantly saying we don't want our kids to "grow up" to soon, to be kids as long as they can but we can sure be good at slaming those last few "kid" doors for them. If the best reason you can come up with for her not to is because you are worried about what the neighbors think.......Sorry but that's an issue. You should be making decisions based on safety, maturity, past and present behavior. What's best for your child? Sometimes what worked for one won't work for all, making a rule years before and expecting it to "work" for all isn't always best and doesn't always work. I understand and support strick rules on certain things, important things but is this really one of them?
For whatever reason this was really important to your daughter so much so that she was willing to risk lieing and sneaking around. Is that ok, NO but perhaps you should have listened a bit more to her. She is at an age where she is going to start making important decisions, help her learn to make the right ones by thinking them out.
When my daughter was that age and wanted to do something that was basically a no, we had court so to speak.... I was the judge and she was her own lawyer basically. We would sit down and I would tell her state your case...Why should I change my mind or bend the rules. Then she got her chance to say what she felt,her reasoning behind her thoughts and what they had planned etc. Sometimes she won sometimes she didn't but even if she still didn't get her way she felt heard. We talked about it I listened she listened. Now I know what you are thinking and there were some things that were not up for discussion and she knew it, did that keep her from asking no lol, but it was generally followed with well it's always worth a try.... Pick your battles they are going to get more serious now, make sure you are standing your ground for the right reasons.
As for what you are to do about the lie by omission, that's a toughy because I don't think you should be there in the first place. Perhaps you two should sit down and discuss this and see what you can come up with together as a suitable punishment. Even going so far as loosing another privilage or something and allow the trick or treating (this time). Only because I think you are both in the wrong and need to start this over on a different level. If she has admitted her wrong doing and is really sorry and this is not usual behavior then go from there. We all make mistakes, do things we know we shouldn't and get caught, sometimes admitting the wrong (when first asked) and owning up to ones behavior is a very large lesson in itself. Of course please be sure to assure her that if anything like this ever happens again no matter what the reason nuns will have more privilages...

I hope you work things out, times are tough right now and everyone is stressed, maybe you should all dress up and take the kids trick-or-treating and have some fun....

I think the main problem that most of us have with teens trick or treating is that the majority of them (yes, in our case it is the majority) are either rude or not dressed up or come late. I don't think kids should be trick or treating past about 8:30 or so. So yes in general I am usually against teens trick or treating. But if they are dressed and courteous and come at a normal time, then it is acceptable. In your case however, your daughter was clearly trying to get around your rule. It doesn't matter what I or anyone else says about trick or treating - you had a rule which she circumvented! For that, she should be punished. It is unfortunate she is learning a hard lesson on a "fun" night, but I would say if you put your foot down now and take the hard line she will get the message loud and clear not to mess with your rules in the future. There is NO way I would allow her to spend the night at someone's house who obviously doesn't respect your rules now or ever again. She has no right to criticize you or openly allow your child to break your rule.

i agree with margaret. i am 26 years old and wish i could still trick-or-treat! unfortunately, my daughter is only two months old and people might get suspicious if i take her out to trick or treat. :) besides, why would the neighbors get upset??? they should be happy the 16 year olds aren't at some party having sex, doing drugs, getting drunk or killing each other. get over it!!!

I know you have a lot of responses, but I just wanted to say that I agree with the people that said that your daughter should face the consequences of lying and being disrespectful to you and your ex. Teenagers need boundaries, and they won't know where they are if you don't draw the line.

I also have to say that I disagree with using the excuse, "At least they're not out getting drunk and having sex." We as parents are supposed to be grateful that our kids aren't doing something that they shouldn't be doing anyways? So grateful that we let them do something because it's not as bad as drinking and sex? So I suppose we're supposed to be thanking our lucky stars that they're eating vegetables and not failing their classes in school? I would hope we have higher expectations for our children than that. JMHO.

ETA: The reason for that second paragraph was to say that if you feel you have good reasons for making a rule, then you should feel confident to enforce it. Don't let other moms "guilt" you into raising your children their way. (This is in reference to your daughter's friend's M. who made that comment to you)

You probably don't need any more responses, but I do not like it when teens come to my door. After elementary school, kids should find something else to do like a party or church group activity. Trick or treating is for little ones, in my opinion.

Pick your battles. If this is that important to her, why would you not let her, just on the POSSIBILITY that she would be dishonest, which is what you are causing her to do.

I am really confused by why it's that big of a deal...

I don't mind the older kids trick or treating. We make the big kids shoot baskets for their candy. It turns into this really fun neighborhood competition for all ages.

I do believe that if you set guidelines for your children, they need to respect them.

I love this post! I am a M. who still LOVES Halloween. It is my favorite holiday. I so enjoyed dressing up and trick or treating and equally enjoyed giving out candy after it wasn't cool for me to trick or treat anymore. I personally think that we let go of our childhoods way too quickly. I don't have any problem with teenagers trick or treating, so long as they are polite and have good intentions-- not to cause mischief, as you say. I'd also like to see teenagers get into the holiday more and make it great for the little ones... teenagers in my neighborhood used to make elaborate haunted houses and dress up-- now everyone is out on Halloween at teen centers and such, and that breaks the spirit of the season. I wish all churches would order their youth to stay home on Halloween and celebrate-- make it fun for the kids. !!
As far as your child being dishonest, well, that is a part of being a teenager. As far as the other M., like most of us, she has her opinions. Don't take it too personally. I am sure you think decisions other parents make are silly as well. And, Of course she's going to try to get what she wants from dad if it doesn't work with you! But, the trick is to just know that she's doing it and let her know that you know. Still, this is farily harmless and not something to punish her over. She is old enough to make some decisions, like whether or not to go trick or treating! Encourage her to do differently, but support her if she wants to go, and let her know that it is great that she enjoys such things... never lose the magic of childhood!!

First of all you need to respond to her & address the issue at hand. The bottom line here is that she intentionally withheld information, when attempting to get "her" way. As you stated she has done this prior. The only way to break this habit (which could lead to being a problem),is to explain to her that since she did not give her dad ALL the info you had, she will not be spending the night w/her friend & she will only trick or treat with the exchange student for a few blocks or she must do it within 1 hour, what ever time or distance you want her to. And let her know that the next time an issue arises such as this, then she will need to be completely honest & not play both of you. With holding information is the same as lying and you feel that she is becoming an adult now and she needs to start acting like one. Letting her know that when this happens again there will be unfavorable consequences. Good Luck!

Hi Diane...my daughter is 14 and it's never occured to me that she shouldn't go trick-or-treating...is there an age limit? I've never heard of people who don't want teenagers to t-o-t...Halloween has turned into a huge holiday in the U.S...and everyone seems to get involved with parties, costumes at work, and things like that. I stay home and give out the candy and my husband and 2 kids go t-o-t...I've never thought anything of it...we don't have any age limits on it. However, that's our house and not yours. If you had rules in place and she knew it, then she intentionally worked around you and that would be a grounding in my house. I understand that she was playing you and your ex against each other and she was wrong to do that...and she needs to understand that she was wrong to do that and there are consequences to that little action...it was sneaky & dishonest and she knew it. It's too bad that you two have been able to talk and work things out with other issues but that she didn't feel like she could reach a compromise with you on this issue...that's kind of troubling. Did you ask her why she didn't think you two could work this out, and why she felt she had to go behind your back?

I would keep her home on Halloween and have her help give out the candy to the other kids....and watch how much fun the other kids are having.

Good Luck!

S.

I am one of the people that don't appreciate it when teens come to my house trick-or-treating. I think they should be handing out candy, or doing the party thing. Trick-or-treating is for the little kids, so when a teen comes to my house they get 1 piece of candy while the little ones get more. as for the other part of your issue, I would not let her go at all, there are consequences for being dishonest and losing privaleges is one of them.

Trick or treating is for small children only. Not teenagers. That is just my opinion. Good luck to you.

I have to say it bugs me when I see teenagers NOT dressed up and getting candy. I think it's rude and disrespectful to the ones passing out the candy. If your daughter is chossing to dress up in a costume then I would say it's ok.
However, it's not just the costume thing for you, it's the fact that you set boundaries years ago about not letting them go past 13 and so by doing so, she now knows you will bend and what else will she push you for next? And wouldn't that be sending the wrong message to your 12 yr old who next year will hold against you that you let big sis go so shouldn't he be able to go now too? So if you do let her go, plan on bending the rules for him next year as well so that he doesn't feel left out.
Since you have set an age limit in your house, I don't think it's a bad idea letting her hand out the candy like I see many teenagers doing and she'll probably like doing that a lot more than she thinks.
As far as going behind your backs, that's something every teenager is going to do when her parents are divorced (I know I did) and it is something she should be punished for because it's a bad habit and if she thinks she can get away with it, she will continue.
You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders and that you know what's best for your daughter. Stick to your rules and let her know you are only doing what's best for her!(She won't understand now but one day she will)
Good luck and take care!

Hi Diane! I have 8 kids two of which are stepkids ranging all from 2-19 y/o. If your daughter wants to go trick or treating with her friends and are not up to any mischief that is totally fine. We go trick or treating with our 2 & 4 year olds and dress up. Nobody really cares as long as kids are respectful, and of course it's nicer when they dress up. We never told our kids when they were too old to trick or treat. In fact, I never even thought about that! When they no longer want to do it, that's cool. My boys have pretty much stopped after 9th grade, my oldest daughter did it until senior year with her friends. Let her go trick or treating and apologize for having set the silly random rule. Then you and her dad need to talk to her about the seriousness of her circumventing you and misrepresenting facts. Tell her you don't want her to feel like she has to be dishonest or go around you. That if she has a problem with a rule she can be open and tell you and you will listen and think about it, and consult with her dad too. You need to be able to trust her. Let her know she has always been a good kid and had been trust worthy until this point so you are going to let her trick or treat. You do want her to remember this lesson so she will have to do something productive as a consequence to her behavior. Have her pull the weeds in your yard this weekend, or scoop up the doggie doodoo if you have one, clean out the refrigerator, etc. Hug her, let her know you love her, and have her do something at Dad's house too that is productive. It will be best if you can both talk to her together so she sees you are a united front. More dishonesty will have devastating consequences, but you believe that will never happen again... God bless!

1. Talk to the friend's M.. You are your daughter's mother, guardian, and she is your responsibilty. You do not appreciate her not criticizing you to your daughter behind your back and I would even offer that this could terminate your daughter being allowed at her house. This sort of thing is very serious and should not be taken lightly. Children need only a tiny push against their parents. Whether she agrees or not the other parent should not express her feelings to your daughter. (To you she can speak her mind and offer her opinion etc but youdon't have to take it :))
2. Going along with that she is your daughter. If you deem that 13 is the age to stop then it is. It worked for your eldest, it is working for your youngest. It works for your family. That is one of your family rules. The End. I do suggest maybe trying to do alternative activity. The church party is a great idea... maybe start some other tradition that you are comfortable with and is appropriate for her age and she has in involvment in the decision process.
3. DIshonesty is a tough one. I stay stick to your guns. Its great that your ex is supportive. And express to her all the other fun options she has other than trick or treating and how she can ruin it all but lying to you. That you are not taking her fun away she trying to protect her and help her grow.

Letting your daughter worry about the consequence is a great idea. Very "Love & Logic", like the books by Dr. Fey. You sound like you have done a lot of thinking and love your daughter very much. At this point it doesn't matter much whether or not she should or shouldn't go trick-or-treating. This issue is now that she was dishonest. I don't know what the punishment should be but it should be something that packs a punch (not a literal one of course). :-) I think that she should not be able to do anything on Halloween except stay at home, no costumes, no friends, no candy. Or perhaps even better, she should take her little brother trick-or-treating but she should not be able to wear her costume. Whatever the punishment, make sure not to be angry or hurtful. Just be logical and make sure that she knows how much you love her and why being dishonest is so dangerous.

As for teens trick-or-treating in general. I think that it is fine as long as they are respectful, take only one piece of candy per house and have a REALLY put-together costume to merit candy. But you are the M. and should, along with her father and step-father, have the final say.

You are blessed to have an ex-husband who wants to share in discipline for your daughter. I would use this opportunity to show her that her end-run-around the rules is not going to work. If it does work this time, it will only encourage her to do it again in the future.

I know it's a pain, but I'd say, tell your ex to punish her in whatever way you would be punishing her. If he's uncomfortable with that, maybe you could switch Halloween weekend for another weekend and you could keep her at home.

We're not parenting any teenagers yet, so I'll just stick to the 'teenagers trick-or-treating' question too...

IMHO, if a neighbor has a problem with teenagers trick-or-treating (w/ or w/o costume), that's the neighbor's deal. They can hand the teenagers lame stuff (no picking from a bowl, no chocolate, etc.) or they can refuse a treat and brave the trick if they dare. If the teens 'trick,' it's the teens' wrongdoing though, 'no candy' is no excuse for someone who knows right and wrong.

I prolly just care a lot less than most about 'what the neighbors think,' though -- we haven't purchased a house here yet, still renting! ;D

You have a lot of great advice to base your decision on here. My take on the matter is, which battle are you willing to fight? Is it the Trick or Treat battle or the dishonesty battle? You've already put your foot down on the trick or treating issue but that caused the second issue (and in my opinion the larger issue). Maybe communicating the level of disappointment for her actions should match, for example, letting her know that the reasons for you not wanting her to trick or treat...it's literally stealing candy from babies,or whatever. Communicate that you feel that taking candy from strangers that would've been given to cute little kids is just plain wrong. THEN tackle the more important issue of going behind your back, that deserves strong punishment. The end lesson here is what you want to stick. That's just my 2 cents! Good Luck!

I'm not opposed to letting teenagers trick-or-treat, although, I can think of valid reasons why they shouldn't. It's obvious that she disagrees with that rule. I would give her a chance to make a case for being allowed to go. Have her come to you with the supportable reasons why she should be allowed to go and "I want to" doesn't count.

The bigger issue is the dishonesty. The consequences need to be significant. No spending the night with that particular friend for a very long time. (Also, a discussion with that girl's mother is in order. It doesn't matter if you disagree with another parent's rules, it is not cool to allow a deception like that.) I agree with the others that said no Halloween this year. Period. She gets to stay at home without so much as a Tootsie Roll. BUT, you have to make certain that she understands that it is not Halloween that is the problem it is the dishonesty.

I think it is really ok that they trick or treat as long as they wear a costume. And your friend is right, at least they are not out getting drunk. They could be out getting into trouble. As far as punishment, I do think that should happen since she lied to you. Every year, I have older trick or treaters at my house and really don't mind. As far as I'm concerned, they are just having a good time and are staying out of trouble.

Hey Diane,
I typed in a response, then realized that I had a 17 yr old "expert" in the other room, so I just now went in and ran your problem by her.

Her response (paraphrased by me): I think that there isn't a specific age to stop trick or treating. Also, the M. didn't need to tell her she couldn't go because that's stupid. But it's bad for the girl to have lied. That's the bad part. But they were both wrong - why should only one of them get punished? But she shouldn't have lied. That's bad. They should decide what the result is going to be - she should get punished, but the M. was wrong, too. If just the girl gets punished then she will feel like a victim and resent it and that might set up a pattern with her M.. She might rebel. (So I asked if the girl should kept from trick or treating as a consequence and she replied that the girl and her parents would need to talk about things and decide what was fair - nothing should be just automatic.)

This is the response I typed in before I spoke to my daughter:
Teenagers going Trick or treating is okay by me - I think they ought to dress up, though. But why are you asking about us? or your neighbors? Your daughter's peer group is the one that matters to her and it's different from your now-college-age son's peer group. Your rule about Trick or Treating is an arbitrary one.

Growing up is hard to do, and getting free candy is a real draw for some, and dressing up and walking the neighborhood in the dark with friends is a draw for others. (Even as an adult, the thought of chocolate candy lures me into believing maybe I too could be young forever!)

My older sister has always reminded me that there are going to be battles with teenagers, and to make sure I pick my battles wisely. I'm writing this paragraph so you will think about whether you picked a wise battle. (My daughter's reaction was "If she was invited to a Holloween party at a hotel, I would definitely not let her go, but just trick or treating around the neighborhood is different."

When my daughter was heading into 8th grade, I tried to insist that she was too old to go trick or treating. My neighbors, parents of her best friend, convinced me to let her go. I'm very glad because it helped me realize that it was just not a big deal, it was unimportant in the big picture. She's now 17 yrs old, and will probably not go trick or treating this year (her first year) because her best friend has a competition that night. Otherwise they would dress up and go out (this year she is dressing as a mad scientist, complete with the nerdy glasses - but where to go and who to go with? She'll probably wear them to work.)

My thought about her taking her little brother - nope. She's a teenager and this is not the 1800s. No teenager wants to be weighed down by the younger set. There are plenty of nights for her to babysit, I think this would be an appropriate time for a parent to do the honors.

I do think the lie-by-omission is a BIG problem, as is the other mother dissing you by planning the subversive adventure of overnighting and trickertreating from her house. You do understand, don't you, that these are different issues? The one issue: trick or treating, is a small thing. The lying is a big thing. The disrespect from the other mother is another big deal. Just be sure that as you work things through with your daughter, you realize that according to her, you were being unfair in your (arbitrary) age restrictions. Think about her peer group, not what's right for just anybody. I'm NOT SUGGESTING THAT ALL YOUR RULES ARE ARBITRARY!!!!!!!!!!!!!! not at all! never! I support parents' rights!

You might want to sit down with the other mother and try to work things out - this is a pretty important thing she did - subverting your authority. The rule was silly, disobedience is not. And purposely helping another person's child to disobey and disrepect their parent is serious.

Whoa! I'm sorry I wrote so much! I'm supposed to be cleaning windows before the cold weather hits! :) :) :)

Hope you work things through. Communicate! Pick wise battles! I'll be praying for you!

A.

Some age restrictions are important: like when to give teens a license (the older they are, the fewer accidents and the more likely they and their passengers will survive teenhood).

Hey - maybe your family could host a Halloween party for your daughter and friends and have on hand lots of free candy. Hmm... you still need to address the lying and trickery. Do you think it will help to sit down with your daughter and point out that the lying and scheming pushed this out of the simple into the complex-now-we-have-to-take-action level?

I think you need to figure this out as a family/group, otherwise it's just going to be another thing she will think is unfair and will want to rebell against. It seems like you need to engage her in the debate, so she will have a voice and feel like she can communicate and so she won't become desperate to act out/lash out/run away. What I would want to know if I were a kid is do they care about me? why are your rules so important to you? Are they more important than how I feel about [it]. What are the rules based on?

I think it's great that they still want to be kids and do kid things. Let them be just that until they are adults and have to grow up. I have to agree with your daughter...better doing something like trick or treating then going somewhere you don't know the parents/kids, drugs, alcohol, sex, etc. My sister is 17 and her and her friends still get all dressed up and trick or treat.

Sounds to me that the real issue is Dishonesty. Bottom line, your daughter is lying. YES not telling the WHOLE truth is a LIE. Yes by being "sneaky" and going behind your back she is LYING.

Personally, I don't have a problem with teenagers going trick-or-treating as long as they 1)Don't hog the candy and 2)They are courteous. My son is an 18 yr old senior in HS and he still goes. Heck, the walking door to door is great exercise for them!

I would ground your daughter for the lying and trying to go behind your back and tell her THAT is why she is grounded. She is 16, if this is not the FIRST time she has done this trust me...this is only the beginning. Unless you nip it now, you are in for a roller coaster of lies and deceit for the next four years.

D.
SAHM M. of three: 19(girl),18(boy),and 5(girl)

My kids are still small, but I do know what my parents would have done to me. I knew this before hand, so I never really did anything behind their backs. (The one time I did, they didn't find out 'til after I had kids. The lesson from this is always get the details straight from the other parents not from your kids.) If they had found out. I would not have been allowed to go. They would have let me sulk at home, and would have talked about how being sneaky was disrespectful and disobedient. They could not trust me and would not for a while because of my choices and actions. I was so worried about being caught that one time, that I almost couldn't enjoy it.

Also, the exchange student still gets to trick or treat, right? The only one missing out would be your daughter. I see it as the punishment fits the crime. If she still gets to go she'll have won. I know I felt that way about my parents when I got away with it. The thing she's probably sweating over the most is the fact that she knows she shouldn't get to go because of her sneaking, but she's hoping this time will be different. If she gets to go, I worry for your last few years of high school. She'll bring this up every time you catch her in a lapse of judgment. Don't let her go, it's the best punishment.

I also worry about your friend's M. pushing this after you said no. I might only let this friend come over from now on. I wouldn't want this M. to have the opportunity to badmouth you to your daughter. That's the last thing you need. It's just plain wrong to boot.

I feel your pain! I also have a teenage daughter who thinks it's ok to trick or treat, although she hasn't been allowed to since she was 12. She doesn't like that we won't let her, but thats the way it is. I think you should stick to your guns on this one, if you told her no then the answer is no, no negotiation, no going to spend the night so she can, just plain no. I think these teenagers test us more that our two year olds do sometimes. As for the lying, mine does that too, and does it with such ease that she thinks shes getting away with it, the only problem for her is that she doesn't realize that we know when she's lying to us, and she gets punished for that too. (she is grounded right now for lying to us).

I don't think that letting her go now is sending the right message, I think that if you told her that she could go, but it was limited to a few blocks, and she lied to get to go extensively, she shouldn't get to go at all. She was dishonest with you and with her dad, and the consequence for the lying should be that the priveledge should be taken away. Otherwise, she is gonna keep trying to play you and her dad against each other because she got away with it this time. As for the M. of the friend, I would politely tell her that this is your daughter, your decision, and that she shouldn't openly criticize you in front of her, and that if she wants your daughter to continue to spend time at their house, your daughter must continue to follow your rules, reguardless of her opinion.

OK, you've had tons of responses but I couldn't resist. First of all, I don't think you sounded like you cared too much about neighbors opinion, I think it was clear that you wanted to be respectful of others. My kids aren't teens yet, so I can't really say much here except you sound like a good and reasonable parent; your daughter has known a long time what your rules were, so it's not a surprise to her she just doesn't like them. It's been too long since I've been a trick or treater myself, but my parents also had the only until you're 13 rule; I don't know what the going trend is for kids these days. I do know this though, I would be a little taken aback by teenagers asking for candy and trick or treating. I have always viewed this aspect of halloween to be for younger children, and felt that the costume/dress up part of halloween can be enjoyed by all ages but more in the private party/carnival type setting, not trick or treating.

Bottom line your daughter was dishonest to her father and showed you a lack of respect by leaving out details of your converstaion with her concerning this issue. Secondly, your friend shows a lack of respect by allowing your daughter to spend the night even though she knows your rules about trick or treating. Regardless of wether or not your friend agrees with you she should support your decision where your daughter is concerned. It is your parental responsibility to make these decisions not your friends.
Age is not relevant in this situation as far as I am concerned. Your daughter is breaking the rules; more importantly she was dishonest and put a some tought in how to get around the rules.
you will make the right decision on how to handle this situation best.

i iam T. i do think your being sorta hard about this trick or treat thing is only one night a year and is not a bid deal i do trick or treat still we go over to frinds house and dress up and play haunted house for all the kids in the area so iam 47 and well, whose to say iam too old we sill give candy to who ever shows up no matter how old they are... one year we ran out of candy and gave out loose change to some kids ... this is a night to dress up and be someone you are not normanly... boo
so no matter what age have a good time .... happy haloween boo .go trick or treating.... have fun...

You have already said that they are a nice bunch of girls. Let he go. Making her sweat it out a while is a good thing. I have an 8 year old boy. After we are done trick or treating we go home and he hands out candy to all teh teens that come to our door. We don't mind at all. I will say that it is kind of dumb when teens come without a costume.

You are the parent. You told her she could only trick or treat for two blocks. As a parent, that was your rule, and has been for a while. It's been fairly implimented with your other children. She had options to do other things, and she defied you by trying to go around you.
I think if you give in to this, you have lost a lot of ground as a parent. If it were my child (and I have 10 children) I would not allow the trick or treating at all, nor would I allow my daughter to spend the night at the friends house who's mother was going to help her disobey anymore. If you don't hold your ground as a parent, you have lost a lot. Let your daughter do the other things, such as the church party, but because of her dishonesty, let her lose out of the trick or treating.

When I was young teens didn't go trick or treat but things have changed. I went ahead and let my teens go. What I tried to do was have them go with freinds that had younger children to help watch them and give them a reason to be out. Also they had to be home by 9.

First of all I don't think your daughter was dishonest or should be punished for being dishonest. Her dad asked her a question and she answered it... did you go last year, yes with the other student. He didn't ask her if there were any limitations or what the criteria was for her going. Now having said that, how I feel about Trick or Treating and teenagers is I think as long as they dress up and go it's fine. The part that bothers me is when the big kids come and are not even dressed up. They are in their everday clothes and expect candy. I have the same issues like at the easter egg hunts, by grandson is 10 and the church were he goes says he is too old to do those. I told them that they are lucky that he still wants to participate and maybe they should just tell him that he can go find a couple eggs but limit him to just 5 or so, just so he can have fun with his friends. I feel the same way about the teenagers on Halloween, let them participate as long as they want, but maybe limit their time and area, like you did last year. Then have something else fun that they can do after the door to door stuff. Maybe they can be responsible for giving out candy at your house and talking to all the little ones about the fun that they are having. This would also enable you and your younger one to go out trick or treating while she gave out candy at your house, since she doesn't want to take him with her.

I have a 15 and 16 year old. I always explained that trick or treat was for little ones....but that is one I 'ate' as they, especially, my daughter loves to dress up and go....they are kids for such a short time, that I let them do small thing - glad they still enjoy 'kid' things.......but, she is your daughter, not mine and should follow your rules....I have a daughter that following mine beautifully and a son that tries to break them as soon as they are established...........you are lucky with your ex - good luck with your decision.

Hi Diane,

My oldest daughter is in her 2nd year at college and she still dresses up and hangs with her friends during Halloween. There was never any trouble during her high school years, nor had I heard of any out of her entire group of friends. My youngest daughter is 14 and still wants to trick or treat.

Trust in her until she gives you reason not to.

Halloween is a fun social event with the families on my street. I have no problem with teens coming to my home as long as they are respectful and not destructive.

A lot of the teens go around with younger children so that moms and dads can enjoy the social aspect with the other parents.

As for the lying, I have not had to deal with that with my daughter. I would have some sort of consequence if I found out she lied to us. She is 13. Our forms of discipline are usually to take her Iphone, Ipod, or computer away as well as some of her "social" time. We have a very social child with a full social calendar. Taking away some social time makes a difference for us.

With any tradition if a child still wants to do it, why not? I have many teenagers in my neighborhood that trick-or-treat. Halloween is fun, let her enjoy it as long as she wants to. The only pathetic treater I've seen is a dad holding a baby asking for candy.

I trick or treated until I was a senior in high school becuase I had siblings under 7 and my parents made me take them. My personal feeling is that when they come to my door - no costume, no candy. But I welcome kids of any age if they are not causing trouble and if they have actually tried with a costume.

Now to your question about her going around you. If her dad is willing to be on board and stand by you, then she shouldn't be allowed to go. I think it's best to reenforce her trying to play you guys as a bad thing now. She is old enough to know what she was doing and this might have to be a life lesson for her. Good luck.

Hi Diane:

I didn't (but probably should) read through your other responses but I had a couple of thoughts.

1) When I have teenagers come to my door for Halloween, the only ones that bother me are the ones that are dressed in their everyday wear and just stand at the door with their bag open. No "trick-or-treat" just the expectation that I should give them something....other than that, the respectful teens don't bother me at all.

2) As a step-M., I was very encouraged by the fact that you and your husband work so well together on matters that concern the children. It is incredibly important that both parents agree and are not played one against the other! Kudos to y'all for working it out!

Good luck to you!

When I first read your email, I was upset FOR you because of your daughter going around your back. But, I really liked Margaret B's post - she brings logic to it. My main issue with teenager's trick or treating is that they normally run around in a pack and are loud and obnoxious - to the point of pushing little kids to get to the door first. But, if your daughter and her friend are respectful and showing the exchange student around, is that so bad?

However, I would still be very upset about her going around you and maybe you can allow her to trick or treat - but take away another privelege. Or, give her the choice of trick or treating or losing another privelege. I give my son choices all the time (he's only 5 though) and I am surprised, sometimes, by the choices that he does choose.

this is only in reference to is it ok for teenagers to trick or treat...I live in a neighborhood where it is mostly older kids who trick or treat (and it seems like the same ones come multiple times in one evening)...personally, it is ok if like you said it is limited and neighbors know your teens, etc. They do need to dress up, though. Also, make sure they are very frugal in their takings if they are given the candy pot to pick out of. This way it shows they are not hogging all the candy, etc.

For teen girls, trick-or-treating is a lot of fun. My daughter is 17 and she and her friends always dress up and walk around the neighborhood. They aren't that interested in the candy - more in getting out together and seeing all the decorations, etc. I think it is fine as long as they aren't getting in trouble.

I am also one of those moms that loves halloween! I decorate more for halloween than christmas! : ) As much as it was wrong for her to go around you, I really dont mind the older kids trick or treating...As long as they are dressed in a costume and polite. I dont like the rude ones (but we cant say just the teens are the rude ones, Ive had many rude 8, 7, etc year olds!!). In my neighborhood Ive noticed most of the teens come a little later, not really late, but a little later than the younger ones. I actually like that since the trick or treaters are about done and I usually give the later ones more candy, to get rid of it (Id rather the teens eat it than me!). If she's having fun and a good kid, letter her trick or treat.
Good luck with whatever you decide!

Hi Diane,
I will respond to one part of your dilemma - what to do now that your daughter has been dishonest... You and your ex ABSOLUTELY have to AGREE and ENFORCE whatever you decide is best for your daughter. The worst thing your ex can do is let her do something your told her she couldn't. But it sounds like he is on board so you are lucky in that respect. You might think about a "natural consequence" for her dishonesty.. since she lied to get what she wanted in the way of trick-or-treating, you might consider not allowing her to go trick or treating at all.

Oh, I would think it so unusual for your sons to accept your 13-yr old limit and daughter to struggle with it more. Girls are more social by nature and have more of a need to be part of a group in general than boys. I am okay with teenagers trick-or-treating as long as they wear a costume, show gratitude and respect, and don't come ringing the doorbell after 9pm. :)

Good luck with your decision!

Diane,
My teeage daughter still goes trick or treating. She is 15. I think it pretty cool that teenagers still want to go. My issues is with the ones who grab all the candy, and dont say thank you or trick or treat. I think your son should be able to go if his friends are going. Its the only night of the year where they can act gooofy and dress up. As for your daughter going around you and wanting to stay the night to do a all night treating I would say no. She has been told a couple of blocks and you and your ex should stand by it. I think you need to talk with him and let him know u said a couple of blocks, not a all nighter. No parent has the right to criticize another parent about their child going trick or treating. This has nothing to do with getting drunk or pregant. If the kids are going to go this route they dont need Halloween to do it. What was she thinking. Good luck on this. I think you should let the kids go, but not sleep over due to her not telling the whole truth.

I think if you're old enough to have your own job (16 yrs old) then you shouldn't be out trick-or-treating... same with Easter Egg Hunts. I was at a family egg hunt last year -- and 16-17 yr old were out there knocking over the little ones to get the eggs w/candy!! Seriously! If you're old enough to have your own job and make some $, you don't need to do that.

When teens come to my door on Halloween, I give them only one candy each. That way they know not to come back to my door for more candy.

I never mind teenagers trick or treating as long as they are polite and respectful. Some of them are loud, obnoxious and want to cause a big scene just to be noticed. I especially feel for the ones having to take little brother or sister around the neighborhood and always make sure I give them something. Many of them are 13/14/15 and caught in that "Am I a kid? or Am I more grown-up now?" Halloween lends itself to wanting to stay a kid and I get it. My porch light goes off at 9pm, which generally coincides with the candy running out, and I expect trick-or-treaters to honor the unlit porch by by-passing us at that point. I have had teenagers come to door after 10pm even with an unlit porch and it seemed very rude to me.
As far as the lying by omission, I am old fashioned. Rules are rules. If you caught her in this one, how many has she slipped by you? I'm no drill sergeant, but I expect my children to mind. It's because I love them and want them to be loved by others. Lying is expected at certain ages, and so should the punishment be when they do it. I'm all about finding a punishment to fit the crime, but I wouldn't let it slide. Good luck! Raising teenagers is not for the weak! B.

I wish i had more time to read all the responses you got (i imagine you've made a decision by now since i'm behind on reading my mommasource digets) but i wanted to tell you anyway, that I don't mind teens trick or treating at my house as long as they are in costume and are respectful (you implied that she and her friends are nice girls so that's probably not a problem). i guess I don't get "upset" when the kids in street clothes come either but i do think in the back of my mind...gosh, no costume and a teen...about time to leave it to the little ones. but i can't honestly say i get upset. there would probalby be those that do, however. Anywya, i hope y'all come to a solution that makes everyone happy (or close) and you still make the point to your daughter that she was wrong to go around you....that could be the trickiest part of all....she shouldn't just get her way after being deceptive. good luck!

This may just be my viewpoint because I have a 5 year old daughter but I think trick-or-treating should stop when they get past elementary school. I only take my daughter to houses where I know the people and I notice alot of older kids that were trick-or-treating and they tend to dress scarier and it really scares the littler kids. I just think that the trick-or-treating ought to be left up to the little kids and let the older ones that still want to participate go to a church carnival or a supervised party. I think the older ones tend to get into trouble whether they would do it any other time or not it seems Halloween brings out the "devil" in a lot of kids and they do things they normally wouldn't do. They're wearing masks or makeup and you can't tell who they are and they think they can get away with more than usual. I also know that alot of my neighbors and relatives won't give out candy to older kids because they do this for the little ones. That is just my opinion but I feel the teenagers have had their chance and the little ones need to have their fun without being scared. It's a little scary for the M. too when you see kids taller than yourself with scary masks on coming toward you and you're just hoping they are who they seem and not something more. Good luck!

I don't see anything wrong with teenagers trick or treating. I agree that they should use manners while they do. Some people will tell them they are too old for it, but I think that if they still enjoy it that much, then they should be able to go. If some people have a problem with that it's their issue. What's the harm? As for the dishonesty, that was sooo last year. LOL! I don't agree with her actions but I assume that you dealt with that last year when it happened. It seems to me that trick or treating means an awful lot to your daughter. Why take that away? They grow so fast. She'll be an adult soon enough. Let her enjoy what's left of her childhood while she can. That's my two cents worth.
Best wishes,
E.
I may have misunderstood. I have not had my coffee yet. If the lying took place this year than there should be some consequence for that. I personally would not take away trick or treating, although I seem to be the minority in my opinion. I'm okay with that. I try to live each day as if it's my last (or my kid's last). It's a side effect of losing a lot of people. I would punish the lying but not by taking away something that brings her so much joy.

As long as they are dressed up - I don't mind if teenagers (or adults for that matter) trick or treat at my house. It is a fun night -- and kids of all ages should be allowed to enjoy it.

I agree that the lie should be punished. She clearly went around you to get what she wanted. You have to address that or she will think that is acceptable.