Teens Accepting My Serious Boyfriend

Wait a little longer before getting married. (I know that must be so hard- you've found such a wonderful partner!) And YES get counseling! Family counseling, with someone you really like and trust.

Don't push them beyond basic politeness. (Which it sounds like you aren't!) They are so full of hormones and insecurities right now, and when you add in their feelings about their father...it has got to be an absurdly hard time for them! They may be feeling shame about "getting over" their dad, and not remembering him as much as they think they should. And they may be very angry at you, for loving a new man.

But, in time, they will figure it all out. With counseling help, this will happen much faster! And they are watching you search (and find) your own happiness in this world. That teaches them such a valuable lesson, though they don't know it yet. You will definitely turn their lives upside down by getting married, and your own as well, but that doesn't have to be a bad thing! A challenge? Yes. But challenges can be rewarding, when you make love and communication your top priorities.

Congratulations, on being such a strong woman and mom! You sound like a devoted and lovely person. It will work out!

Dear C., I know it is difficult for young people to accept someone new when they have lost a parent. I think the first thing you should do is sit them down and ask how they feel about your boyfriend. They may be acting this way because they do not know his intentions or that he is taking you away from them. Let them know that he makes you happy and you want them to be happy too. They should know that your plans will include them and you will all be a family. I hope your boyfriend will do the same and then you can speak to them together. Have you thought about where you will live and will that uproot your children? These are all fears they may have. I was not a widow but after 6 years of divorce I had this talk with my kids who were 15, 14 and 13 at the time. It was not totally smooth sailing but turned out very well. I was younger and we went on to have 2 more children together. I will pray that your children will be accepting of the situation. Good wishes, Grandma Mary

Hi C..

I would suggest talking to them about it. Have you tried?? I lost my mom when I was 13 years old. My older brother was 15 and my younger was only 9. My family are all from a long line of bad communicators. Now that I'm older and more settled in my life I have SO MANY QUESTIONS, but my dad has alzheimers and my mom is gone and that leaves my one aunt to try to remember things. Anyway, just this week her and I were talking and I was just realizing how many feelings I still have about my mom's death, her life, her relationship with my dad, etc...things I wish I had the opportunity to talk to her about, or at least my dad, but it's too late now becuase he doesn't remember anything. I just want to encourage you...you sound like you're being very sensitive to your children in this whole matter and that's great and I don't know you at all. But I do know that I wish someone just talked to me more about all that was going on. They may seem like they don't want to in the beginning, but in my case that just would've been me being afraid to open the floodgates so to speak.

I hope this all works out for you. It seems like you found someone great and I pray God's blessing for both sides of this situation!!

Dear C. - Perhaps it's time for each of you adults to spend time alone with the other's children. Offer to take his to a special Broadway play or concert, or movie. Same for him. So that each of you can form your own relationships with these young individuals. That attention and acknowlegment that you find them interesting and want to get to know who they are will go very far. It may not be easy at first, but few things are. It'll show the kids (through your actions, not just your words) that you are committed and patient and care about them deeply.

Best of luck,
S.

You and your boyfriend must ABSOLUTELY get counseling and, in turn, a good counselor may suggest family counseling for all of your. I have a stepson who never accepted me (although is has a lot to do with his mom)and he turned out to be a very depressed, college dropout, who is sitting home doing nothing at the age of 20. He has broken off all ties with us, as well as my husband's family. Run, don't walk to a counselor. Best of luck to all of you.