Teens and Drinking

M.,

Who pays for the phone??? And why can't you tell her you read her textes!! She is 15, when I caught my daughter at 15 I took her privilege of getting her license away. She did not get it until she graduated high school. Sorry her privacy goes out the window when her health may be harmed. Or even if one of her friends drives when they drink.

D.

I can't say I have experienced this situation from a parental point of view (yet), but I can still remember what it was like to be 15 yrs old and in a similar situation as your daughter. Granted, I'm now 27 and a mom yself. I can't advise you what to do, but I'd like to offer you my own story to see if that helps you. I also did well in school and had "good girl" friends, but we were very curious about things like alcohol. afterall, our parents drank socially and we saw it all over tv, magazines, etc. A memory that stands out particularlyis when my parents and I would talk about peer pressure and that if I ever found myself in a situation where I gave in and then was scared or was in need of help, they'd be disappointed, but wanted me to know that I could still call them. I'm glad they did because I did find myself in a situation like that and I did call them. I had had a few drink and a few other kids got out of control ( I think I was 17?) I had that trust with them and we chatted about what happened, what I learned from it and that I was of course, grounded with no tv, phone or computer for weeks! I would definitely not tell her you saw the texts as she will be angry and feel betrayed. I also think a major problem with underage drinking is they think that to have "fun" you need to drink until you vomit every where, have a huge hangover and/or blackout. Teaching kids now how to drink responisbly is the same as teaching sexual education. You hope they will make the choice to wait, but if they are going to actively do it, you want them to know how to protect themselves. I love that my parents did that for me. Hope that helps a little.

Your daughter is a minor and so she has fewer rights than an adult. She doesn't have the right to do anything she wants regardless of the risks, just by claiming the right to privacy. I think parents who have suspicions absolutely MUST check their kids' phones, Facebook pages, and rooms!

You want to protect her privacy but you are responsible for her safety. You absolutely have to tell her you found her phone and read the message. In fact, have you considered that she might have left the phone there on purpose in the hopes that you would look? If she's never without it, it's very curious that this is the day she happened to leave it under your nose.

She might be very troubled by her friend's behavior (or her own, or at least her temptation), but she can't tell her friends that she confided in you! So it's easier to cover herself by saying Mom snooped!

Two teen sisters who lived near me were photographed at parties waving water bottles full of vodka. They put the pics on their Facebook pages, sent them to friends, etc. No one intervened. They were killed in a car crash while under the influence, and boy, do their parents wish someone had snooped and told them! The police chief says he is so emotionally exhausted from ringing so many parents' doorbells to tell them their drinking kids are dead.

I think you need to have a talk with your daughter and find out what's going on. Tell her you know about the message and that you love her so much, you are going to watch out for her. Her brain will not be fully developed until she is in her early 20s, and the last part to develop is the ability to predict consequences of actions. You have to be there for her until she can do it herself. Whether she screams at you or acts relieved, you need to pursue the discussion.

Yes, the phone is a privilege, and so is going out with her friends in an unsupervised fashion. Those privileges can and should be revoked if there is a question about her behavior. She does need to be, as the other poster said, the same person inside the home as outside.

Finally, I think you have an obligation to tell the other girl's parents what you found. Maybe the girl didn't drink, maybe she never actually went through with the plan to put scotch in the bottle (and how dumb is that, to put a dark liquid in a water bottle???), maybe it's all bravado, but they need to know and to talk with their daughter. How would you feel if the situation were reversed? What if another parent knew that your daughter was drinking and didn't tell you? What if something happens? None of you will ever recover from it.

Good luck. This isn't easy. I have a 20 year old and have been down this road. But you must be the parent here, no matter how hard it is to tell your daughter you read her messages.

Hi M.
My boys are now in their twenties so I am "Passed" that stage.
I have a twelve yr old niece and watch her and her friends-and my SIL and her friends. My observation has been that they try so hard to be friends to their kids-not Parents.
I know this is alot more fun than being the "Bad" guy-but you are the only MOM they have. They don't need another friend.
Also-check out how much drinking goes on in front of these kids-(not meaning your own-but their friends parents)
We teach our kids what to do. My parents drank daily and did not pay attention to what we were doing and we started WAY TOO EARLY.. Luckily we stayed safe in spite of that!
That being said-I would say to keep a dialogue going with your daughter. You are so lucky that you have a wake up call-and can now keep a close watch on your daughter's friends and her actions.
Maybe look back on your own actions (hindsight being 20/20)
and where you may have missed signals from your daughter.
This is not something to beat yourself up over-just learn from it.
Good luck. And don't back down from her when she pushes.
You are the MOM!!
J. H

My daughter is 13 now, and has had a cell phone since she was 10, so I could reach her if needed. I made it very clear then and continue to remind her that the phone is a privlege that I pay for and I WILL read her messages at anytime that I want to. She is also aware that I would rather not, but if I have to, I will search her room if I believe it is necessary. It's important that kids know that trust is earned, and even if it has been earned it needs to be maintained. It is unfortunate, but there are many parents out there who put their childrens privacy first so as not to betray their trust and ended up having to bury them because they were involved in things that could have been discovered and dealt with. If your situation happened to me I not only would tell her, I would take the phone away, and she would would be grounded from other privileges as well. Harsh? Maybe, but a child safety IMO is a parents top priority even if it makes them furius, and believe me, one day she'll understand. She may even thank you for it. Good Luck.

I have 4 children, 12, 16, 19, and almost 21. I have very strict rules too. I'm always home and in their business. I'd definitely confront her!! You need to for her safety. Admit to picking her phone up and innocently seeing who called her. Don't punish her and talk to her like she has done anything wrong herself. Give her the benefit of the doubt. Write down a few things that you would like to say to her. List the problems with what is going on and what it can lead to. Try to make it as short and to the point as you can...not to loose her interest. This is a private and "serious" talk with no yelling and lots of caring for her safety. If she refuses to talk. Let things calm down and tell her that she will not have any privilages until the talk takes place in a calm manner. Things will now be monitored for "her" safety. Set clear and specific "rules" for her now. Tell her that she is too good for any of that.
It is a good thing to sit with her "every" night when she goes to bed to ask her how her day went. Let her say what she feels and then kiss her goodnight and tell her that you love her.
Good Luck! The more attention and effort you put into your children, the more you will get out of it. Some need more attention than others. As the other girl's moms. I know that I'd like to know if some other parent found this out about my child. Wouldn't you. You have a responsibility to help to keep them safe too. Do your part and then leave it up to their parents. You'd feel awful if you didn't and something bad happened.

You say that she is never without her cell. Could this have been a test for you to see if you would look??
Whatever it was you need to talk to her. You have to remember that it is your home and her cell phone is payed for by you and most importantly, she is 15!!! It is your responsibility as a parent to be nosey. I understand that kids need their privacy, but at the same time, there is a reason why 15 year olds still need parental supervision. I didn't make the most responsible choices as a teen and they would have been ten times worse if I didn't have a mom who kept a VERY close eye on me. During my teens I thought that she was trying to ruin my social life and that she was so unfair, but once I grew up a little I realized that she just wanted me to be safe and not make choices that I would regret. They have plenty of friends who can respect their privacy, but that is not OUR job. Thats why we are parents and not their girlfriends!

I agree with many of the other moms, but you know your daughter the best. If you have a good trusting relationship with her now and if you think her knowing what you read could ruin that relationship then don't tell her. I would, as another responder said, sit down and just talk with her about what you expect from her and what is right. When I was a kid, that would have worked for me because I was motivated by guilt. My sister was a hellion who would have needed to be shown the text and directly confronted with it followed by a stiff punishment. Follow your gut.
C.

Hi M.,

I feel your pain, my daughter is 12 and I know how hard that is, but yes, at 15 they I would imagine she would be getting into the same type of things. I think you are WELL within your rights to look at her cell phone. Especially if you suspect harmful activities like the one you just described. Do you pay the cell phone bill? That could be your excuse. I think you are allowed to invade her privacy that way until she is 18. it is for her own safety!I wouldn't have a problem doing the same thing. Same goes for online activities, email, etc...

My kids are still under three so I haven't dealt with the "terrable teens" yet. However my gut says that you should confront your daughter and let her know this is unacceptable behavior and dole out a punishment. I don't understand why you can't tell her you looked at her phone. I assume you pay for it and even if you don't, she is a child and needs limits even on her privacy. Of course she will be angry with you but it's more important that you keep her safe. I would consider setting new rules that include you regularly accessing her emails, texts, and friend profiles. Good luck! I'm sure it won't be easy but stay tough... It really is for her own good!

Dear M.,

i am sorry you are so worried. The balance between independence and the right amount of protection must be so hard to strike with teenagers. My children are a lot younger.

I have skimmed through the responses and did not see that anyone commented on your checking her phone. I think you should not do this. I think you need to apologize. I feel strongly that you need to respect her privacy as you would have her respect others. She is close to being grown up.

If you do not agree with me -- as i think you may -- i would still get together for a family meeting and discuss this issue -- the privacy one. What does your husband think? What does your daughter and her siblings think? Even if noone changes their minds, it is good to hear what others may care about and why.

About the risk of scotch etc. I was raised in a different culture (Germany) and am always suprised to see such strong reactions to teenagers drinking. But then the context in teh US is much different, and it is illegal etc. I experienced the US for a year at age 16 and was shocked to see my fellow students binge drinking. Alcohol was easy to come by where i came from, and might have lost its charme through that. Anyway, i had tried alcohol, we drank at our parties, and i even pretended to drnk a lot of scotch regularly -- which i didn't -- but that was just normal behaviour for us kids to most parents then. Few of us grew up to have a drinking problem.

I also know of the devastating effects of alcoholism, so i do not blame you for being worried. I just want to caution that the factors that promote real alcoholosm are complex.

Hope you and your daughter are well. It would be nice to see how things went for you. Good luck!

D.

When I was growing up, my mother would always tell me and my two sisters that it's her house, she pays the bills and if we don't like it tough. She was always in our business, no locked doors, sometimes she would even pick up the phone to make sure we weren't talking to boys. My mom was a single parent and she was tough. We lived in a semi-rough neighborhood and no one knew our names because we were never outside. We were at school or track or fine arts school or church or camp or away in the Caribbean for the summer. She was a battle-ax and I spent so many years crying into my pillow because she was "unfair". My sisters and I are 2 years apart, so for at least 2 years, this same battle-ax put all three girls and herself through college. She then went on for her Masters and her Doctorate. Now that I am older and I have my own family and my first child, I am becoming battle-ax #2. It's a wonderful world out there that is shared by both positive, beautiful people and negative, violent people. It's not the same world I grew up in. Children are exposed to so much more and parents are giving their children freedom, sometimes without the children earning it. When my son throws a tantrum about having to eat peas or having to take a bath when he would rather torment the cat, his father and I laugh and ask him, "oh, you thought it was a democracy?" It's not. We are in charge because he NEEDS us to be in charge. He needs a mom and dad who set rules, backs them up and provides for him. We are preparing him to take care of his self. When he can do that, then he can lock his doors and have his secrets.
If my toughness doesn't work for you, maybe you should have an alcohol awareness night with your family. That way you can discuss what you know without divulging that you went through her phone...that you probably pay for. All I know is, if you don't address this and your daughter and her friends go out drinking and someone gets hurt or God forbid, dies...you are going to have to live with that. I wish you the best of luck.

So, my response will probably be unpopular and I understand you don't want to/can't turn a blind eye, BUT: Are you sure they weren't kidding? My friends and I would have joked about that kind of stuff at that age. So please, don't ignore it, and trust your gut, but maybe have a talk with your daughter that takes into account that she might have been kidding. And if you are going to plan to have access to her inner world in the future, it only seems right to me that you let her know that now. It's unfortunate that you didn't have a chance to have this talk before you gave her the cell phone, but it looks like it's time for the, "I love you and I have to take care of you and that means that I reserve the right to pry until you are 18 and/or out of my house" speech, if that's the path you're taking.

i see this is a site for mothers. i am 17 and some might not like what i say but i just want you to hear this.

i lost my little brother 13 days before my 15th birthday. (almost 3 years ago) four months before my 16th birthday i began to feel the loss of my brother and i couldnt handle school or friends. i blocked everyone out.

a friend from when i lost my bestfriend 4-5 years ago came up to me and helped me out of my depression. yes i did the wrong thing and began to drink and smoke. but i had friends and at the time thats all i cared about. honestly i hated it. i hated drinking. when i drank i never drank and got drunk i controlled how much i drank. i would say i only drank two beers. i never drank and drove, never got in a car with someone who was drunk. in away i would say i am a responsible drinker besides the fact that i was 15.

when i turned 16 i told my mother that i drank and smoke. i thought she would be angry with me, but she told me she knew about it the whole time and was proud that i told her. i explained my reasons why and she understand.

now that im 17 almost 18 i still smoke cigarettes, but i do not drink often. having a year of fun has taught me the real reasons why i drank. i have been in two bad situations when it has came to alcohol. and that had been this year in 3 months ago. one of the situations was when i actually allowed myself to have fun and not watch how much i drank. i ended up a hour away from home with a group of friends to go to another party. (the people who drove were sober) the two girls that talked me into going was the only reason i went. i went to make sure they were safe even though i was beyond tipsy. As soon as we got to the place, the guys found out it was the wrong place so i told the girls to stay with me and wait because someone was coming to get me and i wanted them to go home also. they listened.

so none of this was probably a answer to your question. but i think you should talk to her (not yelling or in a angry way) but in a concern way. start by asking her if there is anything she wants to tell you..(she will probably say no)...than tell her "honey, if you ever get into a situation where you dont feel safe...call me and i will come pick you up. and i wont ask any questions until your ready to talk."

you could also tell her nicely that you read her texts because her phone was there on the counter, tell her that if she wants to drink that you make sure she tells you where and when she is drinking and if she needs you to pick her up you'll be there.

because from experience. (due to a fight cuz of a boyfriend) if you get mad at her for the situation and ground her. even though it is for her saftey. it wont do any good. she will still do it behind your back and once she isnt grounded anymore she will just go back to doing the same thing maybe more than before.

you need to let them learn from experience. i learned. i drink occasionally with my parents. and when im with my friends im the driver so they can drink and have fun. i let them decided how they want to live there life. but i will always be there for them.

sorry...i rambled.

I feel for you because it's tough to know how to handle teenagers. But, don't feel bad for checking up on her! Sit her down and talk to her about what she is doing and never mind feeling badly about invading her privacy. I wouldn't tell her how you know. Let her wonder. And good luck!

I think you need to have a calm open talk about drinking and remind her what a little taste could lead to. Try just asking if she has tried it and let her know that you are there to listen even if she has, don't jump down her throat. Chances are they each had about half a shot and thought it was gross. She's going through the phase where she may experiment. If you are open for her to tell you now then you can have a real conversation and she will listen to your cautions. If you go in for attack, she'll be defensive and defiant.
Be firm in your rules but, leave the door open so that she will come to you.
Also, don't judge the friend to harshly. Maybe you can include her in the talk on the next drive to practice.

M.,
We, too, have a 15 yr old (soon to be 16 yr old) on our hands. The way that it works in our house is that if we can't trust her to be the same person outside the house that she represents herself to be in our home, then she loses privileges. Her privacy isn't nearly as important as her safety and I imagine that the same is true for your daughter as well. As parents, we have the responsibility to intercede and intervene on behalf of our children. At this age, peer groups have increasingly more influence over our children, and these kids aren't any more well informed or more discerning than our own children. In many cases they are less informed. So we have to keep stepping in and saving our children from themselves. It doesn't necessarily make us popular and it may never be appreciated but that's what we do for our children--love them in such a way that we seek their highest good. Be careful not to give your children or their peers control over your relationship with your children because you may never get it back. What's important isn't that your daughter knows HOW you found out that she and her friends are exposed to alcohol but that you know and it needs to be addressed. These kids have no idea of the danger they are placing themselves and the liability for their parents. Your daughter has to understand that if she wants you to respect her privacy, then you have to be able to trust that she's making responsible decisions based on the information that you (as parents) have given her.

WOW ... I have a 14 year old daughter and I am floored but in the same sense not so because I was doing the same stuff. Take any/all alcohol in your house, lock it away or get rid of it. She will "sneak it from you" if it's in the house but I would act like a snoop more often and the truth will come out. As I always say "Mama always has a way of finding out" .. the other thing is how comfortable are you with talking with the other parent. Have coffee some where and talk about it because the whole group of them are doing it .. no question. And they are getting their sources from all of the parents .. so it's time to turn the tables and make it not easy for them. I would have a talk with her but your going to need to do it in a non threating, non finger pointing, I was snooping on you kind of way which is going to be very delicate .. but I would join forces with the other parents too .. Good Luck and keep us posted.

Hi M.,
I am a 25 year old mother, and 15 sure doesn't feel like 10 years ago, it feels like yesterday. When I was 15 (and on the honor roll at a private school, a three sport athlete) we did the same things. Everyone did the same things... it was more about the thrill of doing it than actually drinking and getting drunk. We used to do it on field trips, school events, parties... everywhere; about 10 people shared the same bottle of whatever the posion was (disgusting, I know) This may be disturbing to parents, but it IS the case, and it happens all the time. We were all good kids, who have great lives, with families etc. Lawyers, doctors, teachers etc. I suppose my point is that you should absolutely have a talk with her, tell her that you know this behavior is normal, but it concerns you. She will be less likely to sneak around trying to get a bottle of scotch if it isn't such a novelty. (I am sure that many moms may not agree with me on this issue, but it is simply the way it is, eyes open, or eyes shut.)