Terrible Tantrums

Hi, I am in the middle of reading The Happiest Toddler on the Block. I'm already using "Toddler-ese" and the "Fast Food Rule" and I think I've averted a few meltdowns already. I'm not even finished with the book. It's by Dr Harvey Karp.

My son is 16 months and he has been bad compared to the past but not awful. I think that they are frustrated that they cannot communicate with us and I think that boys especially are bored easily so try more play dates and new books/toys and outdoor time. That has worked for us!

D.,
I have an 18 month old daughter and these little ones definitely understand consequences for bad behavior at this age!!!! That is the key- the consequence! not trying to reason with them or giving in to them.

When my daughter gets in her 'funk' I get on her level and tell her (through the sreaming) that if she continues to scream and cry I will put her in bed until she stops.
If she continues, I take her up and set her right in her crib and leave the room. I give her about 30 seconds to a minute and then go back in and remind her that "mommy will get you out when you stop", then leave again...
The second she calmed, I would go in and tell her good job with a big smile...to reward the good behavior. If she started again I would remind her again that she can get out when she stops screaming and leave.
The first time is the most difficult!!!! But trust me, they understand that when they throw a tantrum they have a consequence that they do not like- being away from you without your attention.
Usually they scream and fuss crazy for attention, even negative reinforcement.
My daughter learned darn fast and now she knows that if she starts I just tell her calmly that is she continues she is going to her bed until she stops. She usually stops pretty fast.
Sometimes, it can be a battle of wills and even if it takes an hour- you need to be consistant.
There has been a day, early on, where I feel like we have spent all day working on this...but not anymore!
Your child will not relate his crib to discipline either- he is smart enough to understand the difference between consequence for his behavior and the love that goes along with bedtime or naptime. (That was my biggest fear)

Good luck, be consistant, calm and patient. It gets easier and they will thank you for it someday! ha ha ha

A.

Hi D., I want to recommend a book I read and I watched the dvd called The Happiest Toddler on the Block by Harvey Karp. It helped me get through some rough times with my toddler.. The dvd is great but not as informative as the book. I checked them out from the library to save $$. Hope this helps you. Good luck.

Right this minute go out and buy Parenting with Love and Logic for toddlers and young children. My mother gave it to me when my son was about 18mos old. It was as if someone handed me a How To book, complete with scripts!!

When your son throws his next tantrum -- walk away! Act bored. My son tried that about twice, and when he figured out it was NOT going to get my attention, he quit doing it. He did try making a scene in a store a couple of times (yelling and crying, etc). I just looked at him and said (in a very clam voice), 'oh, come on, you can do better than that! I don't think those people over there heard you. Let's see if you can get everyone in the whole store to look at you' etc. He was horrified and stopped instantly.

Bottom line is kids use behaviors that work for them. When the behaviors stop working, we can help them develop tools that will serve them the rest of their lives.

Good luck!

M.

If he screams literally all (or most of) the time for no apparent reason, then you need to take him to the doctor.

Otherwise, I agree with the other posters that he may be frustrated. Can he talk yet? If he doesn't use any words, he may need a speech evaluation. Again, take him to the doctor. Your doctor should be able to provide you with referrals for speech therapy.

"I don't like it. It hurts my ears."

Then we do timeouts.

Your son might be too little to do timeouts by himself. It's OK to sit in timeout with him. "Do you need a time out? 3-2-1...TIMEOUT!" Then I pick him up and put him in the corner, guarding him so he can't leave. He cries and tries to escape. I pick him up and put him back in the corner, sometimes sitting him on my lap...and say, "TIMEOUT".

We stay there until he starts losing steam. Then I ask, "Are you done?" and if he's done, "Do you need a hug?"

It's silly because we're still sitting in the corner with him on my lap, but he goes from angry to snuggly when I ask him if he wants a hug. I hug him for a while (never mentioning the thing he did wrong) and then ask "are you OK?" Then I let him go play. Once he's having his hug, he's not in timeout any more and is free to leave.

Next time he tantrums, I encourage him to use words to name his feelings: "do you feel sad? do you feel angry?" Even if he's not talking yet, he'll understand and atleast nod.

This is the best part: after 2 timeouts or so, when he starts to have a tantrum, and then tells me (loudly) "I ANGRY!!" I skip the timeout and just say "awwww, do you need a hug?" He usually nods, calms down, and comes over for his hug, I just hold him til he feels better. I rarely have to put him in timeout anymore.

If he did something really bad, like kicking me, then when he says "I ANGRY" I say "I'm angry, too."

I don't lecture him or repeat that he did something wrong. He knows already and it just makes him defensive to bring it up again.

When he's nearly 3, he'll be old enough to walk himself to time out. Leave him there for 1-3 minutes, and then ask "are you done?" and then do the hug thing.

Does he thow the tantrums because he wants something or does he just scream all day? Does he seem like he is in pain? How much is he able to communicate with you? Do you think it is frustration of not being able to communicate his needs? I know my 17 mo. old will throw tantrums when she is tired or hungry and is too frustrated to sign or talk. I try to get on her level and look her in the face and ask her to use her words. Sometimes she will sign or tell me what she wants others she just screams louder. Unfortunately I don't think there is much in the way of discipline that works at this age.

Another book recommendation, YOUR ONE YEAR OLD by Ames, Ilg, & Haber. It's a series of books for every year of child's life (I just purchased YOUR TWO YEAR OLD, mine is almost 2).

REALLY helped me understand the kind of turmoil that little kids go through just trying to figure out the world in the first years of life. It's got to be hard to be small, unable to communicate effectively, and to lack total control of motor skills!

I really feel for you! My oldest had a really hard time when we went to stores or places that were busy, so I rarely went anywhere with him if I thought it might be difficult for him. He's almost 3 now and he does fine. At home I would ignore tantrums. My main goal was to keep a positive relationship with him without just giving him whatever he wanted when he flipped out. Focus on the times when he is being good, really praise him and spend time building a relationship in which he feels loved, understood, and secure. If he ever hit me or was violent with others I would take his hands and clearly say "we never hit" then put him on a chair for a minute or so. I hope this helps at all.

Have you talked to your doctor about the tantrums. My son was like that and it wasn't a disipline issue it was a medical one. Just a thought.

The one thing that worked with my son when he was that age, was me just ignoring the tantrum. Everytime he did it, I would walk away. If we were in a public store I would walk away and then watch him from a very close distance. Once he realized NO ONE was paying attentiong to his tantrum, he would stop.

Once he was done with it. I would give him a time out, which some experts say doesn't work, but it worked for us.

Hope this helps.

A lot of the advice you received is similar to mine, it is normal to have tantrums. It is part of a child developing an "I or ME" becoming seperate from you. It is important to not respond by yelling, you will fuel the fire and be rewarding your child with negative attention. When my eleven year old would have tantrums I would slow my voice down (exaggerate the calmness) and tell him Mama cannot understand crying when you calm down and use your words I will listen, then absolutely ingore him. They will practically go away if you are very consistant. Then make sure you always follow up (only talk to them when they are calm) by helping give your child the communication skills they are lacking remember they stems from being frustrated (do a quick anlaysis) then suggest to them simple ways they can ask for something such as next time you want to go to the park tell mama 'I want to go to the park' so I will know what you want and make sure to always , ALWAYS reinforce that crying will never get you your way and never reward them by giving them what they are crying about.

I strongly recommend you read a book by Tracy Hogg "The seacrets of the baby whisperer for toddlers". Awesome book that helped us a lot with our 20-months old daugther. After we followed some advice from that book, the difference in her behaviour was amazing.
Good luck!

Time to start punishment. When he does this is he tired, hungry? Or is it over him not getting his way?
If he is just mad he isn't getting his way, set him somewhere a highchair or play pen and tell him you will talk to him when he calms down. If you want the tantrums to end or slow down you cannot let him have his way, isolate him until he calms down. If you are out somewhere you need to just remove him from where the fit starts, put him in his carseat and if he doesn't calm down, take him home.
He is just testing you, his boundaries and at his age tantrums are a way of expressing his anger/frustration.
Just let him know they will not get him the end result he wants.
Hang in there....!

This is normal behavior for a child who is frustrated because he can't communicate effectively. Help him use his words. Give him yes or no questions. Give him either/or choices. Tell him he won't get what he wants with tantrums. Ignore the tantrums. Reward the desired behavior. You can't lock yourself in your house because that punishes YOU and teaches him nothing. Another idea is that he could be bored. Now that he's mobile he needs to be active. Keep him busy being your helper or playing. When he has a tantrum, move him to a safe place, and you go to a place where you don't have to listen to the racket. At home --- separate rooms. Music on or shower on or something. In car --- leave him in carseat, and you wait outside. In a sense, it is a timeout for both of you. For him to regain composure, for you to escape. Good luck.

Hi D.... My son, Matthew, did the same exact thing at the same age! I was so afraid to go anywhere. And grocery shopping was an absolute nightmare for me, as my husband is deployed! I was at my wits end, but I can tell you, every time my son threw a fit, I just ignored him. It took me a very long time to be able to do that. He is my little angel, and to see him cry like that and me not do anything about it tore me up. It got worse before it got easier. When he realized he wasn't getting my attention, he would bang his head on things. He is 21 months now, and it's worked like a charm. He'll start to throw a fit, but once he looks at me and realizes he's not getting my attention, his tantrum is over that quick. I really hate to say to ignore your child, because I hated it when people told me that (especially the doctor), but it does work, but takes time. And another thing I do, is when he's done having his fit, I sit down with him and talk. He has learned (even though he can't talk much yet) that he can come to me when he's upset and I'll be open to talk about it, but not when he's kicking and screaming. Even if it's just for a hug and I love you. He's noticed that he gets more attention when he's not screaming, and it's easier to talk things out. If we're out in public and he starts a tantrum, I quickly bring him outside or into the restroom and have a "talk" with him. I just simply tell him that it's easier to talk than to scream. It's a lot harder to ignore tantrums in public.
I hope this helps!
Steph

P.S. I have to say something else... after I posted this, I read other comments from other moms. At 18 months old, every child is different. My son is just now using words and he's 21 months. I spoke with my doctor about him not talking, and he suggested that if, by his 2 year birthday, he's still not talking, then it's a cause for major concern. But if your son, D., is not talking, don't be alarmed and rush him to the doctor. Like I said before, really talk with him, so he'll feel open to share how he feels and what he wants. And he'll catch up on those words very quickly when he realizes you are in tune with him.

We have a similar situation and unfortunately I think it's partly due to the age. I did recently receive an article (link below) and I think that we might try their suggested approach rathering than trying to make her understand that she should just calm down. On a sidenote the one thing that has worked with some succes is sending her to room, it may not end the fit but it definitely quiets her down. Sometimes if we peek in her room she's reading and enjoying herself till she sees us and it starts all over, but hey there was breif respite.

Good luck!

Article URL: http://www.slate.com/id/2188744/

D.,
I would second Anna S. That is what I have done with all three of my girls. I would also like to emphasize the helpfulness of Sign language. Even if it is your own made up version instead of American Sign, it still works wonders. It helps tremendously for little people that can not use words yet, to feel like they can tell you how they are feeling and what they want. Just make the same gesture every time you say certain words and help him do it, and then after a few months of this require that he try to sign it or say it by himself. This along with the "removing until calm" will help so much! good luck
E.

This may sound callous, but......try ignoring him while he is throwing the tantrum. Make sure he is safe and won't hurt himself. If you have to, pick him up and stick him in his crib. Don't console him till he starts crying, not screaming. He needs to learn that he can get attention some other way. After he's calmed down give him as much positive attention as possible. When he is throwing the tantrum, tell him (only once or twice) that it's not acceptable to throw fits. Good luck. I know i felt useless while my daughter was in that stage. Super Nanny is a great resource.