Terrible Two's Early

I went back and read this after I typed it and I am sorry it is so long but this is a subject that I seem to have some experience with.

I have heard of this from parents at the day care I work in. It is hard to be in that position, as I have been there with my older children (especially my oldest daughter). What I ended up having to do with her was to ignore her and tell her that the tears were not going to get her what she wanted. I like that you are working on teaching her to clap her hands when she is angry, it gives her another way to deal with her frustration. It sounds to me like she is definitely going into that "terrific two's" stage, and no it is not too early for that stage. She sounds like a very strong willed child and this may take some work, but you will get through it...we all do.

The first thing that I would do in your position is when a tantrum starts, explain to her that her squealing and crying is not going to get her what she wants and then immediately remover her from the situation. She has to learn this now, before she gets older and it really becomes a problem. Do you have a specific spot for your little one to sit in during time out? If not, I would come up with a place that is out of the flow of traffic in your house, but somewhere where you can still see her while you take care of your business. This could be a chair in the corner of the kitchen, or her high chair, or even a pillow that you move from room to room with you. Make sure that she knows that this spot is for time out and don't be afraid to use it. The guidelines that are recommended are 1 minute for every year of age. Now, if you put your baby in time out and she cries for that whole minute, she is learning that she gets what she wants (out of the spot) when she cries long enough. What I ended up doing with my daughter was that she had to sit until she got quiet and the second the crying stopped, I let her up. Believe it or not, it only took her 2 days to learn that if she was quiet, she got out of time out faster.

You stated that, "Ignoring her seems to make her even more angry." That makes it sound to me like she is doing all of this to get attention. My oldest used this type of ploy whenever she wanted attention and it made life miserable for me and the rest of my family. I can remember calling her father at work and telling him he needed to come home and get her because I could not take it anymore...she had been throwing a temper tantrum for over 3 hours because I would not let her have cookies until she ate her dinner. It is difficult as a parent to have to be in that situation because we want our children to have what it is that they want but at the same time, we want to do what is right for them and these two things don't always match up.

If your baby is crying to get attention the best thing you can do for her is to ignore her negative behavior. I have had to do this in the day care and it does seem to work pretty quickly as compared to scolding or discipline.

Ah yes, they ought to call it the terrible 18 months, 2's, 3's and 4's. Her behaviour is quite normal, and it is also normal for them to be an angel at daycare and a terror at home, it was explained to me that they have such pressure to be good all day, that they explode when they get home, add to that they are probably tired too. My daughter had some of the same issues yours did. What I try to do is put her in time out, or if she is really flipping out, in a safe place like her room, tell her that she is in there until she is able to stop the crying and calm down and let me know when that is, I'll be in the other room and then leave. Usually she will come to me after a while and say "I stopped the crying." Sometimes it takes a lot longer than others. If you ignore them while you are in the same room it will make them angrier but if you leave them, they get the message.

Good luck to you

Ahh yes, as many have already responded the twos do hit long before your child hits two. It often happens because communication. Children typically have BIG tantrums when they cannot accurately communicate their needs. This is tough for us as parents because we don't speak their language or always understand their body language. My daughter is 21 months and often has her moments. Also, my son hit this stage at 18 months and at 3 1/2 is still a very spirited child! His biggest difficulty seems to be routine & expectation. He is an angel at preschool, but a WILD man at home. Luckily I am a pediatric Occupational Therapist and I have worked with many children. So, i have fairly good insight in how to prevent or at least mellow out the big tantrums. This is truly a tough one and harder to do with the little ones. It really depends on how much your child understands. With my daughter I try and find out exactly what the problem is and fix it or push her through what we have to do. Because I have an older child my younger has seen much more TV then I would want. So she will often ask for it and throw a tantrum if she doesn't get it, but I can usually avoid a big one if I turn on music or explain what we will do instead. She may just be craving mommy attention. My kids seem to need this much more when I am working. Good luck. If you have more questions feel free to contact me.

I have two kids, and I love both of them with all of my being, but I can tell you that this past summer I was feeling the same way you are now. Tantrums and colic can push a sane mom to the brink, and I know how frustrated you must be feeling; it does get better!
I have a few suggestions in addition to the other folks' responses; take or leave what you will: (1) If you can, add a few more predictable routines to your day, and call your daughter's attention to them. The fact that she's behaving better at school suggests that maybe she thrives on the predictability and structure there, and maybe you could examine how her day is set up there to see if you could copy some of it at home. (2) Get out of the house and/or get together with other people whenever possible! You need it and she needs it. For her, it relieves boredom, stimulates her development, and distracts her from the usual tiffs that you might get into at home, and for you, it keeps you sane and puts things into perspective sometimes. (3) Try for some "shared experiences" that will build your relationship with your daughter and give you something to talk about other than disagreements, such as "baking" something together (at this age, that means her helping to stir the orange juice or making a sandwich without caring what it looks like in the end), going on a nature walk, reading a book, etc. I'll say from experience that this is VERY hard to do when you're angry and tired from work, but it really helps to diffuse things.
By the way, my daughter also responded to "ignoring bad behavior," and it does work eventually, but you have to replace it with something else and make sure you help her get what she wants in an appropriate way (whether it's attention or dealing with frustration or getting help with something) so the frustration doesn't get worse. Good luck!

I think that in my play group, pretty much all of the moms commented on how the "terrible twos" started way before 2. I know they did for my kid. As for spoiling your child- it sounds as if you have a spirited little one, and that can be wonderful. Almost all toddlers throw tantrums, on a very regular basis, and it is in no way a reflection on your parenting. I just try to stay as calm as I can, and hope that in some way that is a calming influence on my child, and that one day he may stop throwing tantrums. Most of them grow out of the toddler tantrum... but then I've heard about the pre-schooler tantrum, and then of course there is the adolesence tantrum, and I don't even want to think about the teenager tantrum... Hopefully by the time they get to throwing their adult tantrums they will be someone else's problem... :)

Dear S.,

My daughter started the tantrums at 18 months, too. When I was a toddler, the standard tantrum treatment was spanking and shaking. Well, of course I wasn't going to do that! Ignoring her worked for her, I'd even put her someplace safe so she couldn't hurt herself. Fortunately, when I did that, her tantrums would be over in about 30 seconds. Except for one in which she refused to walk home from the playground . . .she wanted me to carry her. Eventually, I learned to "love" the tantrum because she'd wear herself out and take a great nap or go to bed well. But that is my daughter.

Navasha's recommendation to read Dr. Karp's "The Best Toddler on the Block" is very good. He has different techniques to try. One is voicing your toddlers anger for them. When I tried this my daughter thought I was making fun of her.

When did your husband start college. Has he been going since your daughter was born, or did he just start? She could be upset about that. She could be overtired, too, after spending all day at daycare. My mother would say I was just terrible when I was tired or hungry. Well, duh.

And it's not unusual for children to be angels at school or with people they don't know as well, then really let their hair down with their parents. It can mean they trust you with all of their feelings. I know I was good at school (probably because I got recognition for doing well), then frustrated, and frustrating, with my parents (because they ignored me unless they perceived me to be bad).

When she's three, learn to say "I can't hear you," when she is whining or ugly. Best advice I ever got.

Good luck,
A.

S. - I feel your pain! I have been through similar issues with both of my girls, now 3 & 5. If I can offer any solice at all, it's that they WILL grow out of this. I will tell you that I know that "some day" is not helping you today. My youngest daughter is full-force "terrible three's". For her, three has been harder than two. My oldest daughter started at 18 months and I often say that my second daughter was lucky she was conceived prior to that point because we never would have had a second child if we had known what was in store for us! We are happy we did, but at that point in time it was very painful for both of us. I felt like such a failure as a parent while I was at home and spent more time at work feeling guilty about not being at home with my children. I have learned that although we blame ourselves, this is very normal and age-appropriate behavior. If you are concerned this is not appropriate behavior, talk with your pediatrician who knows your daughter and her behavior. If you've read some of my other posts, you'll see that I battle with rude behavior from my kids and have no idea where they get it from! I have never called my children bad names and have never called them "bad" yet both have called me names out of frustration. I think the best advice I can offer is to make sure her behavior is not getting her anything but igored. Tell her you "don't hear her when she yells" or "you can't understand her until she uses her big girl voice" or some other phrase. Then, when she even TRIES to do it, reward her with a smile, hug, or a "good job!" For the first few times, over do the praise. I got this advice from a pediatric psychologist and have used it many times. It doesn't mean to always over do the praise, but definitely use it to teach her and make her feel good about her attempts. A child her age is not in control of her behavior but is learning how to control it. I agree with Theresa B who said that it sounds she's using this to get attention and don't allow her to. Give her attention in other ways and teach her how to get your attention without whining and crying. I know reality doesn't ever work like you plan, but at least if you keep reminding yourself you're both learning together and you're both doing a great job. Good luck!!!!

I know what you are going through, my son started doing the same things around 18 mos. The good news is that she is not too young for this behavior- kids start developing their own wills and trying to get their way mostly between 18-24 mos, so the "terrible twos" is kind of a myth. My son is turning two today, and he has finally started to accept some of the limits that we've been trying to impose. For example, he no longer throws a tantrum when putting on a winter coat after protesting for weeks about it. Just be consistent and this phase will soon pass! Good luck.

You're not alone in this. I have two girls, the second is 18 months, and she's hitting the same stage. So far, not as bad as her sister, but still can make me crazy. In both cases, I think that when a child is particularly bright, they're comprehension lags behind their ability to express themselves or get what they want from the world. Physically, they just don't have the muscle coordination in their face to say all that they want to, as quickly as they think of it, as often as they need to. My older one had terrible tantrums, still does at least once a week, but she's a well-adjusted, happy, very bright kid. As long as you're hearing good things from others and seeing other signs of good behavior (affection, etc.), this is probably just a phase.

I'm guessing that this is really upsetting you and is hard to handle with everything else going on. Smart kids pick this up, even this early. She's feeding on your stress, and when you get upset about her behavior, it overwhelms her even more. Try (and I know it's really hard) to keep a very calm, even voice and just calmly tell her "we don't do..." if she throws something, hits herself, etc. I found with my older one that when she really got out of hand, sometimes I had to hold her in a bear hug in a quiet room for quite a while until she'd chill out. Kids at this age realize how much they don't control, but when they make something happens that seems huge to them (like Mommy walking away or getting upset) it really scares them. I think at this age, the main emotions are happiness, wanting attention, fear, and frustration. So all I can say is, what you're dealing with isn't easy, but it does sound within the range of normal.

I've overread parenting books, etc. but I would say that the two I strongly recommend if you haven't seen them already are T. Berry Brazelton's "Touchpoints" and The Baby Whisperer Guide to Toddlers (can't remember the woman's name). Brazelton is really good for explaining why babies & toddlersdo what they do (and showing that it's nomral) and the Baby Whisperer is really good at telling you how to handle it.

Hope this helps a bit.

My dd is almost 20 months and is doing the same thing with the hitting. Sometimes I think she does it b/c we're not listening when she has something important to say.

Regardless, some of my friends have told me that the terrible twos means the terrible second year of life. That gave me a whole new perspective.

I also read The Happiest Toddler on the Block. It's actually given us some help and a whole new perspective on why she does what she does and how to communicate better with her.

I feel your pain.