Thank You All for yourHow Do I Motivate My Son to Play with His Younger Brother?

One of my good friends has a 15 year old son, and then 6 year old twin boys. The 15 year old can only handle so much of the rambunctious younger ones, especially since they argue and bicker with each other non-stop. She works from home too, as does her husband, and she ended up hiring a babysitter (19 year old girl) who comes to the house to take care of the twins so she can actually do her job. She will even take them places like the playground or swimming just to get them out of house. It still costs money but it's worth it for her to be able to work without constantly being distracted and pulled away. It sounds more like you expect the 9 year old to watch over the 4 year old and entertain him, but there's just too much of an age gap for them to always enjoy playing together non-stop.

My oldest likes to help and "teach" his younger siblings things. Even if it's showing them how to draw a certain animal, or use a certain toy. It gets them interacting with each other, and then the playing together part just kind of follows.

Can they build a fort together in the living room? Read him his favorite book(s) or watch his favorite movie together. My son loves to tell his little brother (and sister) about his favorite shows.

The 4-year-old can't amuse himself all day and it's not hte 9-year-old's responsibility to keep the 4-year-old amused.
A 9-year-old and a 4-year-old aren't going to play together well for long - they have very different interests and the 9-year-old is going to get bored quickly.
Sorry, but he's YOUR kid, not your other son's kid, and that makes taking care of him YOUR responsibility, not your other son's.
Maybe your older son would be willing to let you pay him to babysit his little brother.

A 5 year age gap in young kids is a huge difference in cognitive, emotional and physical ability. It is reasonable to expect them to not fight and it is okay to have the older one help out once in awhile. It isn't reasonable to expect the 9 year old to act as an adult proxy and amuse a 4 year old on a daily basis while you work full time.

Look into hiring a mother's helper - a teen or young adult that can come to your home and do the things that you can't do while you're working.

By 4 my daughter could certainly get herself pre-made snacks and drinks. Put anything your son can have in the bottom right drawer of the fridge and in a bin on the bottom shelf of the pantry.

Then schedule his activities. 30 min color, 30 min play GI Joes (I don't know what the boy equivalent to barbies is), 1.5 hours watch a movie, lunch etc.
By 4 my daughter could play educational computer games for up to an hour unassisted. try starfall.com.

Does he still take a nap?

If you can't pay for daycare.... then the care for your kids is going to suffer, unfortunately. Look into some home daycares - they might take him while their regular clients are on vacation.

I also agree with a mother's helper. Call the Red Cross babysitters class instructor and get a listing of all the 13 year olds who have just taken the class. Then call them up. They could come over like 4 hours each day.

I agree that it's not your 9 year old's responsibility and you are going to have a ball of resentment on your hands if you force him to babysit.

The age difference is a big one (about 6 years).
The younger one is not the older one's responsibility.
I can see big brother reading him a story every once in awhile but your 9 yr old should not have to baby sit the baby brother all the time.
Working from home is just like working at an office without the commute.
You need some sort of day care or baby sitter for your 3 yr old when he's not in pre-school.
Google 'drop in day care' in your area and find a place with rates that will work for you.

If you want them to stay amused, you're going to have to be creative. And loosen the reins a bit.

Set up the sprinkler in the back yard. And a kiddie pool. Apply sunscreen, set up an umbrella for shade, and let them play and get wet. Put snacks out in a cooler for them. Blend up a special drink. Basically, anticipate all the things they're going to want (towel, food, drink, waterguns, chairs in shade, etc) and have them help you put them out. Tell them "today is your day at the pool." And then leave them to it. Peek out occasionally, but let them play and wear themselves out.

When they're worn out, make popcorn, pop in a movie, and put them into a darkened room. Redbox or Netflix something new. Leave them to it.

Basically, give them things to do together, where playing together isn't really required to enjoy it.

My kids have the same age difference as yours! I can never make my oldest play with this little sister...it all depends on his mood. When he feels like it they get along great and play like gangbusters. But their age difference is so great that he does not always want to play with her. What I suggest you do is hire a "mothers helper". I have two neighbor girls who loves to come over to play. They are too young to be real babysitters but they really do great with both my kids and love playing with them. When I am home working I often hire one of them (they charge $2 an hour) to play with my youngest and keep her safe. My son loves playing with them too...they all end up jumping on the trampoline or playing games together. These girls are age 11.

Is your 9 year old a babysitter, or sibling? Is there are reason you can't (or better yet, the 4 year old can't) get him snacks and drinks?

Hire a mother's helper for cheap to play with and watch your 4 year old. He's not your son's responsibility. He's not a babysitter. He's not mini parent.

I would not expect a 9 year old to spend his time playing with a preschooler. That's not going to be fun for him and it's not his responsibility to care for or entertain the little guy while you are working. It's his summer vacation and he is an elementary school aged kid. Moms who work from home still need childcare. You need to hire a babysitter - even a middle school aged mothers helper, or you can offer to pay your older son to entertain his brother. That might motivate him. You are working and earning money. The person caring for your child while you work should be paid too. You can also teach the 4 year old to be more independent - keeping his juice boxes on the lowest shelf of the fridge so that he can help himself, setting up snacks that he can get for himself, too. Set him up with structured activities at home - art time, looking at books time, computer time if you allow that, outside time (can you take a laptop outside so you can work while you supervise his backyard play?). The fact is that a 3-4 year old can entertain themselves for periods of time but is really too young to be left without a designated caregiver at all times.

They are completely at different stages developmentally and socially. There is no way the older boy is going to keep the younger boy out of your hair so you can work. You have to choose, either take the boys to child care or take less work so you can spend time with them. If you were my employee I'd want your undivided attention on your job. You cannot watch your kids and do your job well. You need to find a babysitter that costs less or take time off work.

My kids had playdates at 3 and 4. Isn't there anyone he could have over to play, at least for a few hours? My kids were always happier and easier to manage when they had friends around, and they were out of my (and each others') hair for a while.

Firstly, my children are 24, 20 and 6. That is a HUGE age difference and so my youngest is an only child because of it. I do not like that they do not want to have anything to do with him, but that is my cross to bear and not my youngest so I deal with it the best I can.

Secondly, there would never be a time when I pay my child to play with a sibling. Never. And a sibling will find time to play with a younger is there isn't any entertainment for the older one. (ie: take away that xbox, tablet and ipod with all the games and suddenly, VOILA younger sibling isn't so bad.

Also, you mention that relatives don't want to take time to take the younger sibling out because he needs more care and attention. I find that offensive and it'll make your younger child act out because he sees his older brother going and getting to do things all the time that he never gets to do.

Since you work from home and your children are there with you, I'd set ground rules for how they are to play and entertain each other while you're working and leave it at that. You will play with your brother. You will not complain and you get an hour on that play station, etc etc etc.

And people, this is not an easy life out there. Making your 9 yr old entertain you 4 yr old so she can work is not the end of the planet. So what if he's the baby sitter. Its called family. They help each other. We are producing a world full of spoiled rotten entitled brats because we all think the world is fair. The 9 yr old has food. The 9 yr old has a roof. the 9 yr old gets to go places and is clothed. He can go and play for a little while with his brother.

I'm sending good thoughts your way.

You mentioned trying to find a teen girl to babysit. If you're comfortable with it, try a teen boy. A friend of mine said she's found that girl babysitters tend to be more motherly, but the boys are more willing to get on the ground and play cars and Legos with the kids. Perhaps this will get your 9 year old interested since he's likely to look up to the older boy as your 4 year old looks up to him.

I was like your 9 year old son when I was growing up. I'm 8 & 10 years older than my sisters and I dreaded playing with them. There were other kids our ages so my parents strongly encouraged that we all play together for a set amount of time. We had huge water balloon fights and the younger kids could get the hose and use, went to a nearby playground as a group or played tag. We all had fun together because of other friends involved. Then I would be able to go do what I wanted with my friends and not have my sisters tagging along.

Could you limit the media time your older child has, so maybe he will be more inclined to join his younger sibling outside? Could you take them to a park for an hour or so, or on a nature hike to a natural area close by? Those would be my tactics... you do have to plan some activities so as to bridge the gap between the two ages.

It is hard to relate to a younger sibling sometimes. Sorry. Maybe your older one would be up for a 'job' of reading two books a day to his little brother, pay him a reasonable amount for each day he reads two average-length books of younger brother's choosing (If it's long, just one) for 20 minutes or so? What if he could earn .75 or a dollar a day? It might be a start...

I have a similar situation. My kids are 10, 8 and 5. I work from home full time. We cannot afford daycare for 3 kids so they stay home. Last year I hired a teenager to watch them a few hours a day. I paid her minimum wage and it was really great for everyone. That is what I would suggest, or see if there is a lady in the neighborhood willing to watch your kids or at least the 4 year old. Even a few hours a day is a huge help.

Are your hours flexible? If so, Can you get up earlier or work later, when the kids are asleep? Again, if you can whittle down the hours (a few while they are in bed, 1-2 filled up while they are at a sitters) then it is so much easier. Then it would be quite reasonable to think they can entertain themselves for a few hours (maybe 1 hour breakfast and cartoons, 1 hour shower, teeth, dressed and chores).

I do think that it is unreasonable for the 9 year old to be responsible and play with the 4 year old. I did try this year to put my 10 year old in charge. We had a contract with specific expectations and I was paying him to be responsible. Our summer started just 2 weeks ago and let me tell you, it has not worked out at ALL. Even paying him has not been that great of a motivator. Well, it was at first, but it lasted maybe a day and a half. It is really hard for a child that age to be in charge of a 4-5 year old. My 5 year old has been really difficult for for him. He does not have the tools to be in charge yet. So I am in the same position as you where I am trying to figure out what to do.

Last though- is there someone who will trade babysitting with you? Take 4 year old for 2-4 hrs a day and then when you are done with your shift you can have their kid over? Is Grandma in a position to have Jr. over for a 1-2 week summer visit?