Thank You All of You Moms for This woRelocation After Divorce Is Being Selfish?

Here I go with the bottom line again>>>if the situation was reversed...would you be okay with it that he wanted to move far away and take the kids to be closer to his family and get into a better school system>>>>hell no you wouldn't be okay with it. Just drop it all!!!!

I don't assume you are selfish, but I do think you may be underestimating how very important their father's presence is in their lives ~ even if it's only once a month. I have been through it with my first two children and I know from experience that part time is not enough. No time is much worse. I feel for you, since I wouldn't want to live there either. I waited to move until my children were of age and driving, but it was only out of town. These situations are certainly not easy ~ not for anyone involved.

Flip the Q.

If HE wanted to move, and take the children with him, so you couldn't see them... would that be selfish?

I just find, with myself, that what sounds reasonable FOR me in situations like this, rarely sounds reasonable if the situation is reversed.

I do not know your situation, nor do I know you. I can only tell you that Florida schools aren't any better then anywhere else in the country. Maybe worse depending on the county. I was born there. Another is, every school is mandated to follow an IEP plan. So that shouldn't be a reason.

I know if I was in your situation, I wouldn't feel right about moving all the way to the other side of the country with my children, while their father is somewhere else. They need a relationship with him. I don't think a plane visit every now and then will be sufficient.

I saw the other side of this. I was stepmom to two kids who were moved from 10 miles away to two states away. We paid for plane tickets to see them one weekend every month and every school holiday possible on top of increased monthly support. This is not the same as seeing them every weekend, plus, and being involved in their school activities.

Suddenly, we couldn't be sure what their lives were like. We would call and constantly be told they were "indisposed" and couldn't come to the phone, then started the threats of not putting them on the plane to come see us. Then we spent thousands of dollars in lawyers fees just to be sure that we kept visitation times with them. Then we found out their stepfather and their mother were abusing them. The helpless feeling that comes from being so far away and not being sure your children are safe. We would drive the 7 hours one way to visit their schools and the teachers made it clear that they'd been told we were the abusive, demanding, unreasonable set of parents and wouldn't tell us a thing about how they were doing in school. (He had joint legal custody, always.)

Please don't take your children away from their father. As they become teenagers, they will need their father in their lives more than ever. Get them what they need where you are. They need both parents more than they need a special school.

Please don't move. At all costs keep the kids close to their dad.
My ex moved to South Carolina from Texas after our divorce. I have a relationship with my kids, but it isn't what it could be. The kids will be the ones to suffer.

I couldn't move my kids that far away from their father, sorry.

So to answer your question, yes, I think it IS a selfish thing to do.

You realize you're wanting to move completely across the country....

I went through a very long and bitter divorce. I spent lots of time in the courtroom hearing cases while awaiting my turn to be called. One of the biggest things that is contested is one parent moving the kids a long distance from the other.
I'm in California and that's highly frowned upon. I literally have seen mothers be told, "You can go anywhere you want, but you can't take the kids".
I've seen instances where the court granted the mother the right to move, but they also ordered that she provide AND PAY FOR all expenses involved in transportation for visitation with the other parent.
If you move, you could find yourself giving up every summer and flying the kids back to Nevada for spring break, president's week, Christmas vacation.
I work with a young woman who moved from one end of California to the other. She didn't tell her ex, she just up and moved. At first she was ordered to return the child to the father, but, he agreed to let her move as long as she pays for plane flights. He spends two weeks with his mom and two weeks with his dad at opposite ends of the state. He's in kindergarten. Her argument that travelling that much would be too hard on the child went nowhere. SHE'S the one who moved and she can't even afford the plane fair. She's borrowing it from family members.

I'm divorced. I certainly understand wanting to move. I hate where I am. But, this is where my kids' dad is and my youngest will graduate high school in a year and a half. Keeping him close to his dad was maybe not the best thing for ME, but it's the best thing for my son. He loves us both.

This is just my opinion.
Sometimes you have to find a way to bloom where you're planted.

Best wishes.

What if, it was the other way around?
Your Ex, saying this and for the exact same things you are saying?

Would you want that?

Your family.... can come to Vegas to visit you and your kids.

You are TRYING to convince yourself... to move to Florida... BECAUSE it is nearer to YOUR parents.
THAT... is what it seems like. And you are trying to justify it.

LOTS of States, have private schools that offers Scholarship programs, to kids.
NOT only Florida.

Your Ex spends every weekend with his kids.
Isn't that good enough for you?
Some men, even if they are not divorced, don't even spend time with their own kids in their own house even if they live there. And they are hardly ever, home.

Taking your kids, away from their Dad... is in a nutshell, what you would be doing.
And, that is all a child will see, and view you as doing.
Why punish your kids.... for your dissatisfaction about how many times your Husband sees his kids? You even expect him to spend "minutes..." or 1 hour every two days on weekdays, with the kids. In addition to the weekends.

I don't want to sound judgmental, please don't take it that way, but you sound as though he is being unreasonable by not giving you consent to move his children all the way across the country away from him. He's not being unreasonable at all, he's being a Dad.

You will be doing your kids a grave disservice by severing their relationship with their father.

Why can't you start your own business in Vegas? Why would your kids have more contact with your family in Venezuela if they live in Florida as opposed to Vegas? Are there no viable alternatives to your childrens' education in Vegas?

I think you should make every effort to keep them close to BOTH of their parents.

Best wishes!

I divorced when my daughter was four years old and I would never in a million years move away from him (we live a mile apart) unless he was abusive. This is about your children, they need both parents as much as possible. Would you think about handing over your kids to him and move to Florida alone???

You can not LEGALLY do it. It is selfish. You do not have the money for the kids to travel across country twice a month. It will end the relationship with their father. He could actually file papers and get custody of the kids if you move anyway.

Kids need both parents. By moving away, you are depriving your kids of a relationship with their father. And if you move from Nevada to Florida, it would be impossible for them to have a relationship. Even if the relationship is only on weekends now, it is still a relationship. If you move so far away the relationship would not be there for the kids or him. And even with occasional visits, expense of flights, putting your kids on the plane without an adult, etc. I would think would be extremely stressful. And if your kids have always lived in Vegas I assume they will be leaving all of the extended family, grandparents, aunts, uncles from his side of the family. Are they close with them? Most likely they are closer with them than your family, if your family has not lived in Nevada for the 20 years that you have. Please remember that the kids are his, too.

Even if you find out that it's legal for you to move, I caution you that as the kids get older, they may resent that you took them so far away from their father.

You keep making reasons for moving your children, but you are forgetting, he will always be their father.

They love him as much as they love you.

If you are really concerned about the time he spends with them, ask him if he will share custody.

This is what my sister did with her ex. He has them one week and she has them the other .

Or ask him to keep the children for the. Entire weekend.

Do you work full time? Does he work full time?

All the years our daughter was in school, there were very few times my husband could attend things with her school, because of his work. It was not the type of job he could easily take time off from. He also took on extra work on the weekends whenever possible.

This allowed me to attend all and anything that went on at school. It was a trade off we both acknowledged.

Your children are the top priority. They need their father in their lives, just as much as they need you. This will NEVER change.

Yes. It is selfish. I understand your desire to move out of Las Vegas (I really do), but the benefits of your kids having a healthy relationship with their father will trump any potential and unproven benefits you think might occur by moving to Florida. Your ex-husbands relationship with his kids is more important than you making it easier for your family to visit.

If he is involved enough that he sees them every weekend then yes I think it would be selfish to move.

Your reasons for moving sound reasonable, yet this is not fair to the relationship between your kids and the father. Seeing them every weekend is actually a lot for fathers who works during the week.

Does he work and give you child support money? Just because he is not physically with them everyday does not mean he is not doing a lot to support them. I'm picturing him working extra to ensure he remains working. This economy is not easy and he might feel the stress at work.

Also, I honestly think your research on the FL school system may need more investigation. Have you interviewed (or read reports/blogs/reviews) parents who have successful and unsuccessful experiences with the program you believe is available.
edit:
It will save money to send them to private school in NV out of your own pocket. Think about lawyer fees, travel fees for 2 kids several times a year from FL to NV. Also, your child support could be reduced if you move (one way to get the father to agree is to lessen the burned on him).

It may not be selfish for wanting to move but it would be selfish to actually move from NV to FL unless your ex was moving too.

I don't think you have a "valid" reason to move. And even if you did and it went to court, I don't think the judge would allow it. Your ex sees his kids every single weekend and is "active" in their life. Why would you even WANT him to see the kids every single day? You are NOT married anymore! And as far as the IEP goes, ALL schools are required to follow the IEP that is in place and don't think the grass is greener, because all schools are different and it may not be better. Also, in this economy, now is NOT the time to start a business from scratch. Just my opinion but I think you are being selfish and have no good reason for the move. Good luck.

I don't think that taking kids away from dad is in their best interest in this case. Weekends are better than what a lot of dads do. Just because you have written off this man as invaluable to you does not mean he is invaluable to your children. Why don't you ask them? Its illogical that you want this man to be in your kids life more, but if he can't do it to your exact liking, you'll take them away almost completely? I have no love for Vegas, but I think even a weekend dad beats never seeing your dad. Why would you place more value on being a little closer to extended family than to their own dad? Sounds like you are placing more value on temporal needs than emotional needs.

A couple I knew were fighting in court because the father wanted their daughter to stay in california and the mom wanted to move to Texas. They were through a long court battle and they finally settled with that the mom had to pay for the daughter to fly a weekend a month, all holidays, and the entire summer. In addition, no child support was exchanged, each paid for the daughter when the daughter was with them. It worked out between the parents but it was very hard on the daughter. The travel and being so far away from mom or dad.

Honestly, I think you are doing your kids a big disservice by taking them from their father. Their relationship with him will trump any educational needs. Florida is, to put it mildly, not known for having quality schools. Many of the school districts there are terrible. I'm sure that if you looked harder, there are place a lot closer to you (either in Nevada or a neighboring state) that would also meet your children's educational needs without severing their much-needed relationship with their father. I could maybe see moving if you were broke and were moving to be near family who could help you, of you had an excellent job offer that would vastly improve the quality of life for your children, but just to change schools? I don't think so. Ten to twenty percent of children in the US have learning disabilities or other challenges that qualify them for special education at some point in their schooling. The vast majority don't need private schools. If your kids have severe needs that a public school can't meet that's one thing but for every day learning disabilities? No, not a good reason.

ETA - look carefully into the scholarship/school choice program. My sister lived in FL so I remember her talking about it. I believe that a student has to have been in school in Florida for a year before you are eligible to apply, and the "scholarship" merely pays the cost of public school. So if you live in a town where the annual per-pupil spending is $2K per year and you pick a school where the tuition is $5K per year, the program only covers $2K and you pay the rest.

Well, I did move out of state with my daughter. He gave consent, so I would say our situation was a bit different, and he wasn't seeing her AT ALL and he lived, literally, down the block.

I don't think you have a valid reason to move.

I think it's in the best interest of your kids to have a relationship with their dad. Even at the expense of a "not-as-good" education. A solid relationship that is even every weekend is BETTER than no relationship and a better school.

Can you find them a private school to attend that doens't move them away?

Kids who have stable relationships with both parents get in FAR less trouble. They have FAR less emotional struggle and the impact is FAR less than kids who have a severed or unstable relationship with one parent. If they are girls, they are less promiscuous (didn't research effects on boys, cuz I don't have one) if their dad is stable.

If he's seeing them EVERY weekend...... potentially that's Friday night - Sunday evening. That's about 2.5 days a week - which is like 30% of the time. That's NOT an insignificant amount of time to spend with them.

If he says he can't spend more time with them.... is it because he is working? Does he pay child support? Does he provide "extra's" when it's his time with them? like clothes, or shoes or whatever when they are "out"?

Do you make it difficult for him to spend more time? ie - nagging him to do things your way, or dictating the times he can come over.

He may make up for the things YOU feel is important in OTHER ways when he is with them.

They won't care if he goes to their basketball game (or whatever) if they at least get to see him.

You could try to work a deal with him.... What are you willing to compromise on? It sounds like you are expecting him and your kids to make all the compromises?
YOU will pay for all transportation costs. He can have them EVERY holiday and 10 weeks in the summer. If he sees them even 2 days a week now (assuming).... then that is roughly 100 days a year.

14 days at EVERY Christmas
5 days at EVERY Thanksgiving
7 days at EVERY Spring break
(10 weeks x 7 days a week) if he gets them almost the ENTIRE summer

That's 96 days.

Are you willing to give him that much? And you've made it difficult for your kids and him in the process, because if he doesn't have time during the week now, he won't in the summer... so, who will they be spending the summer with? You would have to adjust to account for child care in the summer etc.

I don't know how old your kids are..... if they are 13 or older, they will be able to fly unaccompanied without the extra fee to see him for vacations.

Just my $0.02

You don't say what kind of business you want to start. How about a town outside of Las Vegas, Henderson, Parump, Green Valley? What are the school systems like there? Is it you that wants to get away from the husband and that is why you want to take the kids and go?

Florida schools are not the great. So you maybe trading one bad school experience for another. Besides the weather there is humid and you have hurrianes. Or do you want to move to Florida because it has a larger Spanish speaking community?

You know the grass always looks greener on the other side of the fence until you get there. Think long and hard before you make any moves.

The other S.

You need to take it to court and have a judge's approval before you move. It is illegal to move without his permission or the court's. You will be looking at felony charges if you take the move upon yourself.
And then, because you are the one that moved, you will be responsible for all travel.

There are plenty of wonderful places to live to get better opportunities to live that are much closer to Las Vegas than Florida.

I would say, he is seeing his kids every weekend... that is a lot more involved than most divorced dads. If you move to Florida, he will only see them what, once or twice a year? That would be very sad for the children.

It's not selfish for you to want to move to do better for the kids, but reconsider how far you are going to go.... I think going that far IS selfish, when there are many excellent options much closer that can allow the children to still be close to their father.

Also, he does not give his consent, so at this point in time, it would also be illegal for you to move that far with your children.

I'm not divorced but my husband mainly see ours daughters on the weekends... He's working a lot on the weekends. He very very rarely goes to extra curricular activities I've also thought if we ever get divorced, huh, I'm stuck where he is bc I would not move them away from their dad unless he really never saw them and didn't care.

I would ask you how you are going to feel when you have to put your children on an airplane to go to Nevada for vacations. Every Christmas, every summer, every winter break, spring break, every single time they are out of school for a few days he will get them. You will have so much of a struggle with this I think.

I would not like it. That is why I would never do what you are thinking about. I might consider moving to a smaller town or even into California but to go completely across the continent, no, I would not do that until the kids are older and more safe when traveling alone.

If you planned on riding with them on the plane then going back home then coming to Nevada to pick them up then fly back to Florida, what an amount of money you'd be having to spend on flights. He might come get them in a vehicle but that is a very long trip to do unless he is going to have them at least a month.

I would expect you to pay for it too since you chose to move so far a way. That's just me though.

You can start your business now if you do something that can be done online. You can still go visit your family, you can still take weeks of vacation each year. You might be able to do a summer plan where you spend a month in Florida then the kids spend a month with dad.

He will have to make changes with this move too. He will have to manage child care during his work day, who will babysit if he gets called to work late or if there is an emergency, etc...

I think it would be best to wait until the kids are older then they can travel better.

This is kind of tough. As a mother with custody of her son, it is always hard for me to imagine why his dad doesn't see him every single day like I do, or why his dad doesn't come to every function that I take him too. I always invite him and it frustrates me. However, his dad does see him every weekend and my son loves it. He does want to be updated pretty regularly on him, even if he doesn't see him. He works so he can help me support him.

This really depends on how much he's genuinely involved not how much you think he should be. Gas is expensive to have to come to your house everyday to see them for a few minutes. If he worked all day, he could be genuinely tired from the work day to then have to drive to you and then drive back (I don't know how close he is to you guys. I know you said he was close, but I think close is like 10 miles, which is 20 miles round trip). How far are the extra-curriculars? Do they interfere with other committments of his? I mean he is obviously making a committment to see them every weekend which is more then some dads do. Some don't even honor the visitation of every other weekend. Does he at least stay updated on what's going on with them? Do the kids enjoy being around him? How would your kids feel about no longer getting to see their dad every week?

While I think you have some good intentions that you've described, your also talking about moving them to the other side of the country. I think you have done a lot of thinking about the benefits without fully thinking about the emotions of the other parties involved (again you may have thought about it from your own perspective, but our perspectives as mothers are also biased). Your kids are old enough to ask them how they feel about it honestly. You won't be able to fly them back to Nevada every weekend anymore, and honestly you'll be lucky if you can do it every few months. How do you think he will feel knowing he can see his kids every week now to only being able to see them every so often? I think once you can genuinely answer these questions, you'll have your answer. I know for me personally, my son is only one and really only sees his dad on the weekends and occassionally on the weekday visit (if he doesn't have to work), but that is enough for me that I would probably not think about going back to Texas at the moment. However, if he were to cut back on this, then I would probably consider it.

It is not selfish but it needs to be settled with the courts. Usually the parenting plan is modified so that you have custody for large blocks of time and he has them the rest because it is too far for him to just visit.

Good luck.

Just thinking there's gotta be SOMETHING better locally for your kids.....have you researched opportunities close to you now?

You're not being selfish, you just want what is best for your children and any judge that can fog a mirror should be able to see that-keyword-should.

Have you asked him if he too could move to Florida?

i definatley dont think its selfish at all .. i do get what hes saying though its not like its a few hours in a car to go see them its across the country.. but like Jo W said they will adjust the custody agreement because obviously hes not going to fly to florida just for a weekend all the time .. youll figure it out

I wanted to move from LV and my ex said no. I went back to court and was given permission. My husbands job was transfering him. As long as you can prove it is in the best interest of the children then the judge should ok it. Document the info on the schools. Be sure to spell out the visitation, I have split vacations. Also, NV does not like to give up jurisdiction on children. So you still have to answer to them for everything. Good luck