Thanksgiving Dilemma with Mother-in-law

I personally wouldn't let my daughter go if my son was not invited too.... Sounds like there is an interesting backstory to this one...

Personally... I'd have all my children come home with me and do something special with ALL of them the next day. That is both mean and understandable (to an extent) about her refusing the boys.

Since they are all girls, let her go and have a fun day. You can do something special with the boys. It is all in the presentation to the boys,
as to how they will react. Just enjoy your time with them.

It sucks when all aren't invited, I know I have 5. But she wants this time to be for your daughter.

You should let your daughter do this. Why take that away from her? Your boys need to learn that they can't do everything that she gets to, as your daughter will/ has learned that there some things that she can't do that her brothers will. Its all part of growing up with siblings.

My grandparents never took all 3 of us, they couldn't handle all of us when other cousins were there. They took the ones that were the closest to one another and age wise.

My parents never take all of mine at the same time. They break it up into 3 groups. My oldest ( 15,his interests aren't the same as the younger ones) my 11 &12 yr old boys and the babies, 3 &4 ( they will sometimes take my oldest also, just help them with the younger ones. This is usually done when my boys are with thier dad.)

I would just have something fun planned with your younger ones if you worried about them being upset when you get home. I think if anyone is going to be really upset it will be the 4 yr old, the 7 yr old should have learned that this is the way it works out sometimes by now. Im sure he hasn't went to birthday parties of her friends or sleep overs etc.

will they be disappointed? Sure. But its not the end of the world, its a life lesson.

How old are your kids? Actually no matter the age... I don't think this is offensive. I think this is your MIL admitting that she can't handle all three kids overnight. In life, kids get to do things that their siblings don't always get to do. It sounds to me like this is one of those times. And your boys don't have to cry all the way home. Why not think of something fun you can do with THEM on Friday while your daughter is having fun with Grandma?

The invitation is for your daughter. There could be a ton of reasons she only invited your daughter. Maybe she feels that your daughter is a better age. Maybe she gets along well with the cousins. Maybe your MIL is not up to caring for younger children. Maybe she wants a girls day out. Maybe she really just wanted some quality time with your daughter. Maybe she can only afford to take your daughter. Maybe, just maybe, she wants to get your goat. Whatever her reasons (and I wouldn't question her about it afterwards it will sound like you are hounding her), she extended and invitation to your daughter. If it were me, I would send my daughter for some special time with grandma and plan something for me and my boys. Letting her spend the night, will put some distance in between your sons and the train activity, maybe they won't be as upset as you anticipate. Let her go and have a good time and you find something special to do with your boys. Even if it's a simple as a glass of cocoa and watching the Polar Express. My children don't always get to do the same things. We have explained that we can't always be equal, but we always try to be fair.

I only invite one of my nieces/nephews over one at a time. It is too much to handle all of them together. Maybe your daughter is better behaved or who knows and she can handle only one child at a time.

There is no law that says every grandchild must be invited to every event. So she gets to do this, in the future I am sure there will be a boy event. Just because your boys like trains doesn't make the event a boy event as well.

I am just playing devil's advocate here but I can see your mother in law on the other side wondering why her son married someone so presumptuous to invite her other kids along when the invite was clear.

She invited who she could handle with her plans. I guess the cousins are older or female? She probably called your husband because you were being kind of unreasonable with trying get your sons invites as well.

I don't see why this is offensive. I think it's perfectly all right for one child to get some special time with a grandparent, as long as at other times the other children get a chance to do something special with their grandparents (or other family member) too.

One of my brothers is my eldest daughter's Godfather. He does special things with her and only her, and they have sleepovers together (with his wife). They do an activity during the day, go out for supper, sometimes a movie, they play video games on the Wii, go to the dog park with his dog, go to church the next morning, have a fun breakfast out, and we meet at my mom's for dinner. They do this a couple of times a year. My other daughters don't mind at all because they know it's just Uncle A's special bonding time with their sister. I don't press him to include my other daughters because he does special things for them at other times... it's just not sleepovers. And that's okay.

My MIL will sometimes take all of the eldest granddaughters from each of her childrens' families. There are three eldest granddaughters, which means leaving four behind. That's okay too because she'll do something special at other times for the younger kids. And of all of her grandchildren, all nine of them, she only has two grandsons: the eldest and the youngest. She does special things for them at times that she doesn't do for the girls, but at other times she'll turn around and do something special just for the girls.

I guess my point is that it doesn't always have to be even. Kids need to learn that early on, and that it's not offensive or horrible to sometimes be left behind. That'll give you some extra special time with the boys while your daughter is out.

So let your MIL take your daughter for a while. I don't see the harm.

Could it be possible that she can't handle all 4 kids on her own? I imagine that'd be pretty stressful for her.

My grandma used to have my sister and I over for weekends, and we LOVED that special time with her, but she didn't have my little brothers over--would have been chaos.

I wouldn't be hurt about it, and instead would use the opportunity for you and your husband to do something special with just your boys. You can always take a train ride of your own downtown, right?

All the kids or none of the kids. Or speak with the parents of the cousins and invite them ALL to sleep over at your house.

Did you ask her why?? So stupid.

Are the cousins male or female? Maybe she didn't think she could handle "all" the kids. She invited your daughter, you tried to include your sons. Sometimes grandparents do things with just one grandchild. That is what ours did. They didn't like to keep all the kids at one time. I think you are the one making this more than it should be.

I don't think it should matter if the cousins are all girls or not, they are cousins and should all get to spend time together. I would call her and say thank you for inviting the daughter but your other kids would like to spend time with their cousins as well so, why don't you have a playdate with all of them another day over the weekend, why does it have to be a sleepover. Just do as many days together as you can while the others are in town.

The 10 yr old is old enough to talk to her about this and not bad mouth Grandma to her, but tell her how hurt her brothers would be if they didn't get to sleep over and she did. Then talk to her about hurt she would be if she was the one who didn't get to sleep over.

My dad and step-mom can't handle all the kids at once very often or for very long so they usually split them up. It's no big deal. They usually split by age or gender. And over the course of the year the grandparent time and treats evens out....

Perhaps your history and your MIL's charming personality are making this seem like a bigger deal than it is?

Plan something fun with your sons on Friday-- or better yet send them out with their dad for some guy time and take a nice long bubble bath and pamper yourself!

I would bring all the kids home. I think her behavior is unacceptable on many levels. Sorry for the position you are in that really stinks. The fact she only talks her son about it is childish and if you are like me I do all the "scheduling" so to communicate around me would be super annoying. Also if she invited your daughter without asking you first.....I would lose my mind. Don't get into with her but perhaps you will have to confront her about this sometime soon. This is your family try not to let any bad feeling seep in. Do something fun as a family instead. Good Luck and be strong!!

I think I'd be tempted to just stay home and have your own private thanksgiving day. Explain to the kids after it's all said and done why. Before hand, just tell them you have decided to celebrate privately. I don't like this kind of favoritism. Now, if she wanted to take the boys to the trains apart from your daughter and she just didn't want all the kids at the same time at night, I could see that. I could see a boys outing and a girls outing separately. But I don't understand why she is doing this, this way.

We have four kids and this issue comes up ALOT with one being invited to do whatever. I think it is ok to just let your daughter go and have fun with her cousins. I am a firm believer that everything doesn't always have to be the same across the board, take your boys out for their own special day that day. Besides, if you take your daughter home it will make you the bad guy. Keep the issues with your mil between you and her, dont make it about the kids(I have learned this the hard way) just smile and tell them to have fun :)

I'm being lazy and not reading the previous responses...so I'm sorry if I say something that has already been said.

I think that your MIL needs to talk to her grandsons. She needs to apologize and make it clear that this is a girls-only event, that she loves those boys, and that there will be something special for the boys another day.

If she was rude, then you need to talk to her first. Make it clear that if she wants to do things with YOUR family, she had better adjust the attitude. And if she doesn't like that and decides to be snooty, well...no loss on your part. I'm sure you all can find better things to do than deal with her drama.

It kind of sounds like grandma has a plan for the girls and wants to make it an all girl day.

Many times as a child growing up I didn't get invited to things that other cousins did. It was just the way it was and no one was going to make the relative change their minds as to who they would or would not take. Yes it is a disappointment but as others have said life is not fair. In some ways it's like bringing siblings to a party that they were not invited to just because they are part of the family. The hosts didn't plan for them and now they have to scramble to find something to do or give to the siblings if they are nice or they would not give you anything.

So just be prepared that this kind of thing does still go on. There are going to be times that the boys are asked to go to things without sister. Does this mean sister has to go with the boy? I don't think so. Besides some kids like to get away from the siblings to enjoy time by theirselves without having to share everything.

Only you can figure out if this is worth the family freud or not.

Have a good holiday season.

The other S.

PS She is 10 and soon she won't want to hang out with anyone but her friends.

I may be sticking my head out, but it may be that Grandma and Grandpa already have X amount of kids at their house; two more might be more than they feel they are up to entertaining. Especially if your two younger children are active. I know my folks can 'do' visits from my 13 year old nephew more easily than taking my younger nephews. This isn't about preference or loving one more than the other, it's about their ages and levels of need.

If you can, try not to read an insult into this. Instead, I'd take this time to have some 'special' time with your younger boys. Plan to do some fun activities (a special movie night with popcorn? a fun outing?). You don't have to play it up in front of your daughter (if you want to help the boys by promising this to them, do let your daughter know 'why' you are doing something special while she's gone), but let them know they're going to have a little fun too.

How you discuss/perceive this in front of the kids will give them their cue how to respond: upset and left out, or an opportunity to have some special fun. And you can take your boys on their own train adventure when you go to pick up your daughter. There are choices...

i would say ok as long as she planned to have them over or take them out another night...not many people can take all of the kids at once...and if the other are all older and girls its probably easier and they may be going to a girls sleep over

you don't say how old the cousins from out of town are. this may make a difference. if they are all in the 10 and older range then maybe they don't want to mess with younger kids. I do thinks with my grandkids all the time sometimes all at once and sometimes separate. there is no hard and fast rule that says a grandma has to take them all at once. It would of course be easier on you if they all went at once but she may not be up to handling 5+ kids all at the same time. a 4 year old and 7 year old require more hands on than older kids. why don't you take the boys and do something that the 10 year old would find boring? that way they all have some special time. and ask grandma (via email lol) when you can plan for the boys to spend some time with her. not sure why you would want to make your daughter miss this time with older cousins.

I'm going to assume that the cousins are 1)closer in age to your daughter and/ or 2) girls themselves - it's the only way your MIL's request would make sense. I guess the way I see it is, if I invited a girl to spend the night to play with MY girls, then that parent asked me if her 2 little brothers could come as well, I'd be kinda unhappy about that. I would imagine that the dynamics of a family outing with your 10yr old daughter would be COMPLETELY different than that with your 7 and 4yr old boys as well. I don't know what kind of relationship your MIL has with her grandkids so I don't know if leaving out the boys is a regular thing (which is a different issue completely). I'd let your daughter spend the night and enjoy the company of her grandparents and cousins without her little brothers there (because the reality is that they're probably going to need much more attention than her and she probably won't enjoy it as much). I guess I don't understand why siblings who aren't invited always need to tag along. Life isn't like that, you don't always get to do everything your sister or brother does, and vice versa. Disappointment is one of life's greatest lessons. At some point, unless there's the above situation where MIL leaves out the boys on a regular basis, it will even out - there will be occasions where the boys will be invited and your daughter won't.

I think that you need your husband to talk to her about this. It could be that she feels that too many kids is TOO much for her to handle. I understand that. But she didn't explain this, and that's the biggest problem.

You and your hubby could decide if perhaps you or he could accompany the kids and help her with all the children. Then offer that possibility to her.

Other than that, you two have to decide about your daughter. Personally, I would let her go spend some time with grandma and the cousins. And THEN, send the boys separately to have quality time with grandma. And make sure she understands your thinking when you allow your daughter to go. And that you expect her to make sure the boys know that they are just as important as your daughter, not by telling them that, but by SHOWING it.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Dawn

Let you daughter stay, take the boys home. It's only a big deal if you fuel the fire. As the oldest of four children two younger brothers. Sometimes it's nice to be an only and not have your younger sibling tag along. I'm sure Grandma may be trying to bait you if that's really the case just smile leave your daugter there with a BIG kiss and tell her to have fun. Take you boys out to do something, you said their 7 and 4 maybe a trip to the mall to see santa. Just ignore your mother in-law when she tries to pull these sort of things. You'll be the bigger person your kids will end up happy and your mother in-law will probably end up feeling like the fool.

This sounds like a perfect time to teach your boys how to handle disappointment - it definitely won't be the first time! What are you going to do when they aren't invited to a birthday party? Personally, I'd be offended if I were your MIL with you insisting that they boys are invited, too, especially without offering to accompany them. Why couldn't you offer that you and the boys come along on the train ride. Then, you take them home. How is it fair to your daughter? I'm thinking she'd be resentful of you and her brothers if she couldn't go just because they weren't invited.

She may not be able to handle that many kids on her own. My MIL can keep my two boys (5 and 3) for a night, but not a whole weekend. She may be thinking the 7 year old could be okay, but not the 4 year old and she doesn't want to exclude only him. Are the visiting cousins all girls? She may also be thinking it would be easier to just say this one is for the girls and that would also keep the 4 year old's feelings from being hurt. If I were you, I would let my daughter go and enjoy it and just tell my sons that their grandmother only asked her. Let them take it up with grandma! If their feelings are hurt -it's her own fault, so I would let her deal with the fall out. I wouldn't say anything ugly about her, but if your boys are upset, just tell them they need to ask grandma about it because you don't know why they can't go. You may be surprised -they may not care!

I think it is nice to let your daughter go and do something special with her cousins. A ten year old girl is a very different dynamic than having four and seven year old boys along. I can understand you feeling for your boys,but youncould do something special with just them that you wouldn't normally do with your dauter along. Parents set the tone for the incidents. Don't be offended for your boys, be excited for your daughter, let her enjoy a special event with her cousins, and assure your boys that there will be opportunities for them to do special things as well.

First off, inviting a child before speaking to her parents is rude. She probably knew you would not approve and now you have to be the bad guy. I was very ticked off when someone got SD riled up about being a flower girl before talking to anybody - and in our case it meant asking BM for permission to change weekends. I'd tell DD that if MIL makes an invite, she needs to say to talk to her parents.

That aside, is this something where the boys are more than MIL can handle? What about offering to go along with her on the excursion (or sending DH) so that they can all go and maybe just DD spend the night? Sometimes kids aren't a "set" but it can be hard when everyone wants to be included. If you don't think MIL is trying to be hurtful (which is a different problem) then I'd let DD go and remind the boys "you know how Jimmy went to Tommy's party, but you weren't invited? Sometimes the invite is just for one person, not all of you." Does MIL ever do anything with the boys? I think maybe knowing why would help you get an answer you can live with.

What does DH have to say?

Also, if you let DD go, can you and DH then do something with just the boys?

First I would try to find out if there is a reason. If not, or if it's a lame one, I'd be all up and down her like a yappy chihuahua!

My mom used to treat my daughter different than my boys. I lit into her one day and she didn't even realize she was doing it - she is much better now. I am oversensitive to how she treats my kids because growing up I felt like I could never measure up to my older sister and the only other girl is the baby...so I was always odd man out. I won't let tha happen to my kids.

If there is a good reason, find something really fun to do with the boys that day.

Let your daughter enjoy it as long as your MIL isn't being a beast. If she is, then explain to your daughter that you guys already have something fun planned and then get to work!!

You could always bring the boys there the next day to ride the trains. It might be too much for her to have all the kids. Maybe an extra set of hands would be welcomed.

Ugh. I would talk with your husband about your feelings and the two of you together decide what you feel is best for your kids. (But ultimately, you, as the mom, should have the final say). Then have him communicate that to MIL.

(If it were me, I would just ask hubby to tell her No. She is creating stress for you around the holidays and asking you to agree to something that just doesn't feel right to you. So, no. But that's just me.)

What's the reasoning behind it? Are the cousins all girls and they are doing girl things or is there a huge age gap? If that is not the case then it would seem rude that the boys are being excluded.

Well I guess it depends o nthe age of the cousins. Are they 10 yr old girls also? Or are they 4,5,6, 7,8 yr old boys? If they're girls, then let your daughter have a girl's day with MIL and girl cousins. If the cousins are boysyour sons' age, and/or there is no logical sense why MIL would want your 10 yr old daughter only, then ask MIL why she only wants the gal and not the boys.

But if indeed the cousins are your daughter's age, I don't see what the big deal is. Life's not fair. When your boys are bigger "Grandma and Grandpa" will have a special day with them on the train too.

The only way that I have received any sort of respect from my Mother-in-law is to stand my ground. If they are not all invited, then they don't go. Your daughter may be crying but you will have to explain to her ahead of time why you made the decision. She is old enough to understand and old enough to tell Grandma that where she goes her brothers go too. The only time we let the kids sleep at Nana and Papas by themselves is if they are planning on doing something special with each one. My kids are never allowed to sleep over at their grandma and grandpa's, which are my in-laws. My husband even agrees with that one.

Can you plan something super fun that day with the boys while your daughter goes off to have fun girl cousin time? Last summer our son was invited over to Grandma's house for a week along with his 2 other boy cousins. Granted, his sister was very young at the time so she did not feel left out. We flew him there and he had a blast and really bonded with his grandparents (my in-laws). It sounds like you and your MIL really don't get along. Does she often exclude your boys or is this a first? Does she enjoy girls more than boys? My stepmom is like this - she only had girls and really likes girls more over boys. My stepsister's two oldest daughters have been invited to their house every summer...but not her two youngest boys. They are told they can come when they are older. Personally, I think my stepmom is afraid of having them over for a week without parents bc they are more energetic. It's kind of sad really.

It may be innocent - girls only, too many kids to handle, etc. In that case, I think you can let her stay, be honest with the boys - and do a boys thing with them - trains, guy stuff, etc. Find out if Grandma's willing to do a boy day down the line, so they'll each get special Grandma time and special mom/dad time.

Hubby needs to lay down the line with his mother that she needs to respect you. If he hasn't already addressed that, it's way past time.

We have had that issue in my family as well before. It is no fun for any of the kids to be left out. I would "try" to talk to her about it and explain to her that the boys would like to spend time with their cousins as well and would be sad to be left out. Let her know that if it was because the three of them would be too much to handle together, that maybe you could just meet up with them on Friday morning and you could all do something together with the cousins. I wouldn't want my kids being left out either. I understand that it might be too much work too though. If they can't all stay the night, I would just keep them all at home and meet up with them on Friday.

Just because some child's reproductive organs are outside verses inside does not make them any less relatives. The boys want to spend time with their cousins too. I would make sure and invite the girls over for several hours without her and let them do some stuff together. Then if the girls want to do some girly stuff by all means let them, I mean what boy really wants to go to a girly store and shop or to a mall and walk around looking at clothes or something. Planning a fun non gender activity would be appropriate.

Tell her you need to have a reason why she is splitting up the children before you decide. You never know, she may have a perfectly legitimate excuse. If she doesn't get back to you, then you'll have to decide what to do.

Make a decision and have your MIL tell the kids herself. Why should YOU have to the bearer of bad news and look like the bad guy? This wasn't your decision - why should you have to make up the excuses for it?

If you decide just your daughter goes, then have your MIL tell the boys. If you decide none of them go, then have MIL tell all 3 kids. Make sure its at the same time so she can see disappoint in all 3 of them.

I dont understand this either. Why does only your daughter need to spend time with the out of town cousins?

She needs to be honest about her reasons. Sometimes my mom only takes one of my three children, or sometimes she just takes the older two. She always explains her reasons for doing so and they are reasonable. Your husband should ask what the reason is so that you can explain it to your sons. Maybe you, or you and your husband can take the two boys on an outing so that they feel like they're getting to do something special as well.

As they are cousins I would say all or none. She could still have the boys play with the trains while the girls do something else. Does she typically favor the girls over the boys? If so the boys will pick up on it and it could affect their relationship with their sister. (my GM favored my bro...and all the BOY cousins) My mother did NOTHING about it. So in my eyes she is just as guilty.

If she doesn't like oh well. Also why do you want to be around someone who bad mouths you to your DH? Does he shoot her down everytime she says something mean? If not he needs to and he needs to be the one to stand up for YOUR family!!

I also am wondering about the ages of the kids. Are the boys much younger? Older? Are they all her biological grandchildren? (That still makes it rude--but wondering why she feels like she can single out the girl?)
Need more info. Are the "cousins" all girls and she's doing a "girl trip" or something?