Thanksgiving Family Conundrum

"I'm sorry but I already made other plans with international student. Since she isn't invited and will be all alone in the dorms I've decided that if she can't come along then I need to decline." Say this as often as needed and don't feel bad.

I'd rather spend it with a stranger then a bunch of ungrateful morons. That's what I'd say. Isn't Thanksgiving of all holidays a day where you give thanks and be gracious towards others? That's terrible. I don't see why you are forced to choose. My answer would be simple. Thanks, but no thanks.

I would not ask sister to reconsider.

You did a very kind and thoughtful thing to invite this nice young person to celebrate with you. You did so before your sister issued her invitation. Prior engagement. That was ALL you had to say -- so sorry, but before you invited us we made another commitment and need to honor that.

You say you'd love to bring this student to your family's home but please don't. If they grudgingly say OK at this point, the poor girl is going to get the stink-eye from the relatives and you are too, all day long.

Your family is forcing you to choose only between a kind act and their self-centered demands. So...why any conundrum at all? Choose the right thing.

And then ask yourself about the bigger picture: Does your family have a pattern, before this incident, of expecting you to drop whatever you're doing to accommodate their wishes? Sounds to me like your family was pretty casual and suddenly sister has decided to have A Perfect American Thanksgiving and you're not playing your role in her holiday tableau. I'd bet she's a peach the rest of the year, right?

Take care. They will make you pay for this at Christmas. I'd start making other plans now and let them enjoy nursing their ridiculous wounded feelings at that holiday too. The "stranger" thing is just weird -- holidays are about hospitality, and hospitality is not supposed to be limited, but theirs clearly is.

We've always been taught that if you accept an invitation, you don't turn it down just because a better one comes along. "I told Susie I'd come to her party but then I found out that Jenny is having a party on the same day and Jenny has a pool, so I'm going to tell Susie that I can't come." And our moms told us, no, you already accepted Susie's invitation and that wouldn't be polite to Susie.

The same thing works in reverse. You already planned a dinner with your international student. It sounds like you'll be able to get together with your family very soon anyway, before Christmas. It's not like they're visiting from Europe and you haven't seen them in 10 years.

You simply tell your family that you already had made plans that you cannot change, and so you're very sorry but you'll have to decline their Thanksgiving invitation. If anyone asks for details, just put it back in your sister's court. "Sis didn't feel like she could accommodate any more people, so since we had already invited a guest, we're just going to stick to our original plans." Don't back down. Have a Thanksgiving dinner that this student will remember forever.

1. She's not a stranger.
2. You sister is being a B.
3. You'd PREFER to spend the holiday with your whole family, bit your sister is making that impossible to do.

Too bad your sister is missing a heart, I'm sorry, it would help if she had O. so she could be THANKFUL about sharing a meal with someone less fortunate.

I would be staying home and doing Thanksgiving with your student. How unwelcoming is your family. That's terrible. Enjoy your day and put the family on the back burner. IMO this is non negotiable. You made plans, they do not want her. Stay home. She can help in the preparation of dinners which I think she would love.

Your family is being ridiculous. Thanksgiving should be a time of year where, if space permits, it's come one, come all. This year we are welcoming my husband's cousin's mother-in-law's step son. Why? Because his wife and kids will be visiting her family out of state and he is stuck here on call, so what's another guest?

I would decline your sister's petty and controlling invite and enjoy a nice day with your immediate family and your guest.

Your sister needs to watch A Charlie Brown Thanksgiving. Seriously.

Love Elena and Mel's answer. Sorry, but your family sucks--big time--to do this to you. Let them flap in the wind on this one. Elena is absolutely right-- you don't dump previous plans for something later. Too bad they chose to get bent out of shape about this. What a bunch of nincompoops. Be prepared to do what you need to for Christmas as well.

For what it's worth, years ago when I was 31, my dad got all bent out of shape about me wanting my then-beloved man to come for Christmas. 13 years later now and I'm pretty sure they like him more than they do me-- we are married, have a sweet boy and they see he's a wonderful man. They feel kinda stupid about it and rightly so. People are weird like that.

Isn't it interesting being the only reasonable person amongst a bunch of ridiculous people?

When you host an exchange student and become a host FAMILY, the person becomes family. So she's not a stranger. Perhaps you can make this clear to your family and your sister - hopefully they just don't get it, but will.

You know you're doing the right thing by spending the time with the exchange student. After the way they've all been acting, if they don't make the decision that fits with the true holiday spirit, I wouldn't want to spend time with them. And I'm guessing this isn't really a new or surprising behavior, sadly.

I WAS the exchange student years ago, and a family who only knew me from letters. I ended up spending 3 weeks with them, including Christmas and New Year's. One of the best times in my life, and I still keep in touch with them.

There is no way to leave your international student out & 'enjoy your family's company'. Sorry. Your family (sis mostly) sounds judgemental. I would host your student & forget your family. You can't control the guest list, but you can decline the invite.

You have a prior commitment.
Appeasing your sister would force you to break your commitment.
You made plans with the student first so stick with that.

I suppose you could TRY going to your sisters and bring the student along anyway - how likely are they to make a scene in front of others?
It will NOT be a 'one big happy, loving, kumbaya time'.

You're better off declining your sisters invite.
Your sister can kvetch all she want - it's not your problem.

I don't even understand why this is an issue - you invited the exchange student before your sister made her plans known. Either the exchange student comes with you or you have to stay home with your immediate family and the student. That's just good manners. I'm surprised your extended family doesn't "get" that concept. It's not personal to them. If they don't want a "stranger" in their home that's fine, too, but they shouldn't be mad at you.

PS: I loved Mel R's answer! :)

They are accusing YOU of being petty? Wow.
I wouldn't subject this poor student to such unkind, ungenerous and unfriendly people. Instead I would say to the family, we will miss seeing you this year but we have already asked this dear young person, WHO WILL BE ALL ALONE on a day when most Americans are surrounded with friends and family, to join us, and we would find it incredibly rude and cruel to go back on our word.

Wow, your family sounds clannish. We say the more the merrier especially when we know someone that is not with family during the holidays!

It has been years since it was just "family" at Thanksgiving. There always seems to be a guest attending.

I would just skip the family and their weird behavior. Remind them that Thanksgiving is about bringing people together. So you will see them another time.

There's no dilemma here. Obviously you honor your original plan. You invited a guest to spend Thanksgiving with you (wherever that might be)...THAT's your plan, stick to it.

For what it's worth, I'm appalled that your family didn't IMMEDIATELY extend their invitation to your guest as well. What's wrong with them?

The choice isn't yours, it's your sister's. She either gets you as a guest WITH YOUR GUEST as well, or she doesn't get to spend Thanksgiving with you at all. It's HER choice. THEY'RE choosing to spend the holiday *without* YOU. You are now a package deal with your own guest. If they reject your guest, they reject you. YOU have no choice. Do you (and they) not see that?

there's no way your nasty family should take precedence over your lovely and considerate desire to share this occasion with the student.
i'm very, very glad that you haven't internalized your family's unpleasant and unwelcoming attitude.
i hope you have a wonderful thanksgiving.
khairete
S.

I think that your sister's inability to see that this is not a stranger but an exchange student you are hosting is the real issue. I would have Thanksgiving with the student and invite others you know who aren't going home for Thanksgiving. I personally would rather spend time with the student than the family at this point. I would feel really badly leaving her hanging and I wouldn't want to be around their behavior anyway. They won't behave well, so don't subject your household or student to it.

ETA: FWIW, I bailed on the traditional Thanksgiving group years ago and started to host in my home. My extended family is always welcome, but I usually enjoy the company of those who do turn up more than the way it was. Maybe this is the start of a new thing for your household.

Do NOT bring her to the gathering. She would be treated poorly. I would never want to spend another holiday with your family. What jerks.

Do they knows that the Pilgrims and Indians were not family?

you invited this girl to your home for thanksgiving and your sister thinks you are being petty..oh, please. lets see, send thankgiving with a petty, selfish sister who expects you to uninvite someone else..nope..sorry. have thanksgiving with your family and the girl , if your sister comes by, fine..if not..no big loss K. h.

Your sister is so rude! Ask her to reconsider.

Wow, it's unanimous. That doesn't happen very often on MP.

Wow, I cannot believe your sister/family will not be gracious and host that student for one day. They might meet an interesting new person, learn something, and they will really make someone's day happier. Good for you for hosting this student for Thanksgiving. If you cannot convince your family, I think you should do your own Thanksgiving feast at home.

Please remind them that sister is the one not taking into consideration that you already had plans for that time.

Simply say "We already had plans and have invited guests so we won't be able to attend". You made plans and need to keep them. It so happens you have been invited to attend another event at the same time but you're unable to go.

So if they can't let you come later in the day (after your dinner) or early in the day (Before she comes over) then you'll just have to miss out.

You simply say "I have already made plans. I can adjust them if you don't mind having one extra. If you do, it's no problem but sadly we will not be able to attend". Ball is then in their court....

What a shame that your family doesn't understand the meaning of Thanksgiving, which is about sharing (food, warmth, friendship, nature's bounty, etc.). How very nice of you to include someone who would be alone with nothing to do, and to share the experience of a distinctly American holiday.

If it were me, I would stick to my plans (which were made first - you always go with the first person who asks you to the dance, right? You don't ditch a date because you got a better offer!) - and it has nothing to do with the niece's fiancé. Then I would shake my head a few times and have a big laugh over people who accuse you of being petty! I would have my Thanksgiving with this student, and i would check with her to see if there are any other foreign students stuck in the dorm with no place to go, and I would show them that Americans are generous and welcoming and warm, vs. the cold and selfish image we have in many countries.

I would do everything I can to stop the attacks on my character from this family, even if it meant not answering the phone for a while. I would take pity on the fiancé, who's going to get a real earful at Thanksgiving and find out about the character of the family he's marrying into. I wouldn't give it another thought. I know that's very hard - I have some selfish idiots in my family and we've had to cut or limit ties because of this kind of nonsense. But you have to be the kind of person you want your kids to grow up to see. Look at what they will be learning - how to be hospitable, how families aren't just people related by birth or marriage but by similar values, and a little (or a lot) about another country. What a great experience!

Once your extended family realizes that you are serious, they can either decide to be decent and welcoming, in which case you can take your student friend there (but only if you are sure they will behave and not slight her or make digs about her not being "family"). Maybe they will realize they are being ridiculous and selfish, and that they were a little late on the invitations. Or you can realize there will be other chances to get together between Thanksgiving and Christmas, and hope that their desire to see you and a little of the Christmas spirit enters their hearts. I know you want to make peace - but you may not be able to please them if they are hell-bent on being so petty. Maybe they just have to miss you one year to realize that they do care about you.

I don't get why adults act this way.

You have it at your home with the student and tell your family too bad they can't be adults. Their loss.

I had my mother say that to me about an event at my great aunt's house when I wanted to bring my now husband of twenty years. Mom said 'he's not family...' I talked to aunty and she didn't mind, brought him along and that went fine. However, we spent a few holidays on our own when those were the repeated overtones and not being held at my aunt's house. He is now welcome once they could see he wasn't going to go away, but they could send me away if they kept it up I'm not saying you should just go ahead and do what I did, I'm saying you call the shots whatever you want to do. That is very unfair and selfish of them. And not knowing where your student is from could there be some prejudice on your family's side? I know there was some from mine because my husband wasn't from the United States.

I agree with the majority here that you need to stick with your plans to spend time with the student. I've been on both sides--having hosted foreign exchange students in my home as a high school student and as an adult and having lived with a family in Denmark for 4 months in college. It's very sad that your sister doesn't see this as a wonderful opportunity to make a new friend, learn about another culture and share our uniquely American Thanksgiving tradition. It sounds like now is not the time, but is it possible for your sister to meet her on neutral territory or gradually get to know her? Could something else be going on--she's stressed about the holiday and one more person put her over the edge? Is space in her house an issue? And did someone else already suggest this, does your family live close enough that they can come to your house for dessert?

We just hosted a foreign exchange student for a month during the summer. It pushed my teenage boys a little out of their comfort zone, but it was an amazing experience and I'm so glad we did it. My extended family welcomed him to my parents' cabin over the 4th of July and that turned out to be the highlight of his stay. My 92-year-old grandma was very hesitant when she first heard of our plans to host the student. Like your sister, she said, "You're letting a stranger in your house?" My grandma loved him! The day before he left she made a special request to see him one last time to say good-bye.

When I was living in Denmark during a Thanksgiving holiday my host family specifically requested that I make them a traditional Thanksgiving meal. It wasn't easy to find all of the ingredients and it was my first time cooking a turkey pretty much by myself, but I did it and we had a very memorable dinner.

I hope you can enlighten your sister at some point about what a rewarding experience it is to make friends from all over the world and learn about another culture. (We still keep in touch with the foreign exchange student my family hosted when I was a sophomore in high school--it's been 35 years!) Have a Happy Thanksgiving!

If my family were that rude and petty, I wouldn't want to spend the holiday with them. I'd just stay home and let them say/do as they please. If you cancel on your student, you won't enjoy yourself anyway because you'll feel bad.

Well, you've already invited the student and you can't go back on that. If that means being home with your own immediate family and the student, then so be it. It's a shame that your sister feels this way, but it is what it is. I would not hesitate to let your sister know that she's being a jerk. The rest of your family should think poorly of her, not you!

Way to stick to your initial plans! I went to respond and saw all the support you had on here. It really is sad that your extended family would not Welcome your family with this student that you are pretty much family too as well. That's why, in this life, we get to create our own immediate families and decide who we want to be as our family...blood related or not. Enjoy your Thanksgiving the way you want to.

seriuosly? this is why i despise the holidaze n really dont do them anymore-kids go to their inlaws-just fine with me-you made plans with this poor girl-STICK TO IT!! why should she suffer because your sis is raciest?..and if your "FAMILY" cant understand that-then not much of a family are they.!!?? but dont you make this girl suffer..please..

so happy to read you are continuing your plan.