The Birthday Circuit

Good Morning A....a lot of schools these days have a policy that if invitations are sent to school to be delivered then the whole class has to be invited. Sometimes kids get their feelings hurt when they learn that certain kids got invited and they didn't. Additionally, if the party is somewhere like the "Bouncy Place" then the parents are charged pretty much the same amount regardless of how many kids come so they figure just invite everyone. My kids love the bouncy place so anytime they can go for free is a bonus for me.

So there's a couple ways to look at it...first, I'm sure the parent and birthday child will not mind at all if you don't go. The mom was most likely just trying to be polite by inviting everyone.

Second...if you do go, just buy an inexpensive gift (you can get little pet shop stuff for like $5--I'm sure there's boy stuff for $5 too). It's a great way to meet the other parents that your child will be growing up with. My daughter is now in 3rd grade and gets invited to parties like this all the time. I like that I know so many of the parents and feel like we all look out for each other's kids at school events or wherever.

So to sum up...don't stress about it. Just do what you're comfortable with and I'm sure nobody is going care or judge you for what you decide. When it's your daughter's birthday though and you don't want to invite everyone (I'm always uncomfortable with that too) either hand the invitations out to the kids you are inviting outside of school and try to talk to your daughter about not talking about it alot in front of the other kids so no one gets their feelings hurt. Or, invite everyone and put something like "no gifts necessary--just come and have fun" on the invitation. Everyone always shows up with a gift anyway but it doesn't seem like you're expecting gifts.

I hope this helps! Have a great day!

L.

P.S. Stay at home mom to 8 and 5 year old girls. Married for 10 years.

I think what you're saying makes perfect sense. And if I think so, chances are the other parents would agree. Talk to your daughter about it, and ask how she'll feel. You can't possibly go to every child's Birthday, and neither can every other parent. If she'd like to go, give her a $10 to $15 limit, and stay for a short time. I don't even consider inviting my son's entire class. We use our address list and invite his good friends. If I'm going to pay for him to do something fun, and all the other costs like food and decorations, then I want it to be with his friends. I certainly don't expect my son to be invited to classmate's parties he doesn't really spend time with. And I don't feel bad about it either. It just makes sense.

I make an effort to try to accept birthday parties invitations if possible because it provides an opportunity to get to know other families in the community. Your daughter may not play with this boy, but there will probably be other kids there that are her friends; their THEIR parents will be there, and you can develop rapport with them. So it has its networking advantages. In the future, these parents may be volunteering to run the extracurricular activities that your daughter most enjoys, so it is an advantage to have met them already. Also you might wind up working with them on school-related projects.
I feel that one party a month is a reasonable limit, so if they get more than one invite, I have them choose, or pay for the second gift themselves out of their allowance or earning money through extra chores.
Circumstances under which I would not attend a party: a scheduling conflict, if my son or daughter doesn't actually want to go, if I felt the situation was unsafe.
The more neighborly we are to one another, the more peaceful this world will be.

My experience is that those big (whole class) parties are much less special to all the periphiral kids. My daughter is in second grade and she gets very excited to go her special friend's parties, but for the few she's been invited to where she didn't know the kid well, it was not a big deal whether she went or didn't and it doesn't have that much social impact at school either. The kids who miss are quick to forget as are the kids who go. Last January 07 we had a whole class birthday for her and it was fun but the guest were not as special and the activity etc. was more like another day in class, a fun art and movie class but still the social environment was like class (one girl who my daughter didn't know well came without a present which is totally cool with us but obviously I didn't forget about that). Anyway, this year, we had a much smaller party with only close friends and everyone enjoyed it much more.
My daughter is the academic type with a few close friends, so whether or not she attends a party is not important to her. So, it depends on your daughter's inclination a bit, but if she says she's okay doing something else that day, my bet is that it will not make any difference if you skip it.
My two cents.
CW

Personally, I know a lot of mother's who would be relieved to not have the entire class show up. There is a lot of money and chaos involved with the more children that attend. Many people invite the whole class out of etiquette rather than an unwritten expectation, just like a wedding, you figure only a certain percentage of those invited are expected to attend. I don't think it is wrong to choose which you attend and which you don't. It is impossible to attend every event you are invited to. Sometimes we have gone to parties of students we don't know very well as an opportunity to get to know them and their families ~ but I never let my daughters attend something just because I feel guilty. LOL Toss the guilt!

Hi there,
I also have a 1st grader. Were this my kid's party, I would hope you would decline considering how you are feeling. On the other side of it, sometimes the whole class is invited not to hurt any feelings, but expecting many won't make it. If your kids are not close, don't think your daughter missing the party will be an issue for anyone and she will still be invited to parties for her friends.

A.,
I feel the same way you do. It is hard to go when they don't really play together. One thing I have done is to talk with your daughter and ask her if she wants to go and have her help you make the decision. If she wants to go just because it's a party or becausae she likes the person or because everyone else is going. Don't feel obligated. Birthdays have gotten so outragious.
S. mother of three girls 12, 8 1/2 and 4 1/2

I totally agree with you! The birthday party expectations are out of hand! If you really don't want to go and your daughter doesn't seem to care then maybe you could plan some special family time during the party. That way you can politely decline the party invitation due to other plans and your daughter still has something fun to look forward to in lieu of the birthday party.
Good luck!

I guess I'd just ask your daughter, and see how important it is to her. I wouldn't worry about going overboard with a gift, either, if you do decide to go. I'm sure any gift would be considered thoughtful. Maybe with so many there, it'd give you a chance to get to know other parents you don't know yet, too....you never know, it might be fun. I guess a pros and cons list is always a good idea, too.

Does your daughter want to go? Are you doing a family activity that the party would interfer with? Birthday parties are never a lot of fun for the parent, but many are drop off parties which would allow you some time to get errands done, spend some quiet time with your baby or husband. She will be just fine on her own, and just make sure you take her to the bathroom before you go. Keep your gift simple with the whole class going there will be lots of gifts. It is my experience that many first graders invite the whole gang as they have not secured best friends or social groups yet--at least not for the boys. Many of the whole group parties are being held at places with lots of blow up jungle gyms, it is a great way to get in movement and activity on a cold weekend afternoon. Good luck with your decision

You are certintaly not obligated to go. Having put on many parties, usualy less than 50 percent of the invitees attend even if it is a small group. An invitation is just that, the only person you may need to deal with is your daughter. My kids always want to attend social events of any kind. I just have to say no sometimes. I agree with you that your resources of time and money may be better used on close friends.

Well the one queastion that comes to my mind is, does the teacher have the policy that you have to invite everyone or not bring invitations to school? This was a school wide rule at our elementry. We just always chose the ones closest to my children and by how much my kid wanted to go. I have one son that found it diffcult to make friends and this is why I sent invitations to the whole class.....just to try and figure out if he had any real friends...it turned out that the children that attended were a couple of real friends and the rest were kids that weren't invited to many other parties.
Sorry don't know if this is any help.