L.U.
Isn't it amazing that so many people are in this same situation?? I am right there with ya!
When I got pregnant my sons bio left when I was 7 months and went back to his home country. Didn't tell me he was leaving, just left in the middle of the night like the coward he is. He did NOT want the baby, begged for an abortion, and then decided to have nothing to do with us. After my son was born we were in a horrible car accident where my son spent a month on life support and another month in recovery. He knew about it and never showed up. I lost track of him for about 3 years, and then found out that he was in the area again, so I went to his work with paperwork from the courts so that he could sign over his rights, which he did. Could you get your son's bio to do that??
I married my best friend of 5 years. He was there through the pregnancy, and was in the hospital when I had my son. He was one of the first people to see him. He and I married when my son was 7 months old.
I told my son when he was about 4/5 that my husband was not his biological dad. I told him that he did not help put him in my belly, but that he loved him from the time he was in my belly. I talked about how when we got married, Papa married me AND Elijah (my son) and aren't we lucky that papa chose to be my husband and his dad?
I too thought about saying that his bio died, it really would make life so much easier, but I will not lie to my son either. I told my son that if he had any questions about ANYTHING that he can always come and ask me and I will do my best to honestly answer him (with age appropriate wording, of course).
I struggle with knowing whether I told him too early, or if I should keep on telling him as the years go by that he is adopted. I don't want him to feel like we are always talking about it. But, so far we have only talked about it twice and it does not seem to affect him in any way. (he is 7 1/2). I don't know how to explain when he is older, "why" he left. I too, struggle with that. I think I will just say, "he wasn't ready to be a dad. He didn't want to be a dad. I loved and wanted you and so I kept you, found a much better dad, and life has been good, no?" (when in reality I want to say, "he was a coward, an alcoholic, a druggie, a womanizer, an abuser, and I am so glad we have nothing to do with him.")
Good Luck! I struggle with this too!
L.