The Neighbor's Kid

One of the greatest things about being a kid is having FUN all summer long. Even though they go to camp and are outside until 4, summer days are long and kids don't need to be holed up in the house doing homework when it's nice outside. Save the homework for rainy days or have them read books before bedtime. Let the kids PLAY, PLAY PLAY! Childhood is too short.

Gosh Trina, it's summer vacay! Let them (and YOU!) enjoy it! The books and extra work is great...but it's still summer vacation - I believe they should be playing outside from morning til night getting fresh air and exercise...in NY half the year is yucky, so take advantage of the nice weather!!

You're a great mom keeping the kids focused, but don't push the "control freak" part of you onto them...they're kids, please let them enjoy!

Best wishes to you all
J.

Just for a bit of different perspective, I remember spending all day outside all summer when I was growing up, doing no "homework" at all. Just simple, lazy summers with nothing to do but play. I graduated magna cum laude from a top tier law school. My advice, let 'em play!

Hi Trina!
I personally would let kids be kids. I feel they have many years ahead of them to do "homework" in the summer. Let them enjoy the time they don't officially have "homework" now. Or, if it bothers you that much, ask the neighbor to give you a half hour or so after the kids get home so they can read or spend time with you. Maybe ask her to give you a call at xx time and you'll let her know if they can play at that time or if you need a few more minutes.

S.

Hi, Trina,
I'm assuming your kids like playing with the neighbor. I also wanted my children to be involved and not have their brains turn to mush- but it is summer after all. Rather than denying your kids (and the neighbors') play time and a relationship, why don't you have them read before or after dinner? 30 minutes of 'homework' should be enough to keep their skills up. Remember that while your kids may not be doing reading, writing or 'rithmatic at camp they are still learning really important things, especially stuff about themselves during camp. Academics is not the be all and end all of learning!
Good luck,

Hi I also have the same problem, but what I realized is that some children do not get the attention they deserve so what I did is I got the children who always ask to play with my daughter to sit and actually do some school work daily. Since the neighbor's kid likes coming over to play with your children I suggest you reach out to him and ask if he wants to do some summer home work too. He is probably lonely and looking for attention while admiring how you love and give your children the attention they so deserve.

Ann
mother of 3 wonderful children

Their brains are not going to turn to mush. You would
rather have them inside! Not. They should be OUTSIDE
having fun and enjoying their summer. Lighten up Mom.

HI Trina,
I would suggest going over to your neighbors and talking to the parents, enlisting their assistance and all of you working through the problem together. You do not and should not solve this by yourself, ask for help. The "control freak" in you want to think you need to do it by yourself, just be aware.
Asking your neighbors for help in this will begin to create a relationship with them that will be very useful as the kids gets older.
Good Luck and don't be afraid.
N.

You need to let loose and let the kids have fun outside. If they like the neighbor kid and enjoy being with him then you are blessed. My one neighbor's kid is so mean they can't play together. Thankfully another neighbor has 2 boys that adore my son and they get along well for the most part. Growing up I loved being outside with the other kids. If I take my kids to the movies, I take the boys next door and vice versa. Lighten up their brains will not turn to mush - they can read at bedtime.

Is it reading time, or time to spend with mom? If they are spending time with you since you work I can understand that. Otherwise I think you should let them play outside with the neighbor boy if that's what they want to do. Have them read after dinner and bath, right before bedtime. It's a perfect way to settle down. After all, it is summer! Their brains aren't going to turn to mush in just 2 months. Most elementary teachers begin the year with reviewing things from the previous year anyway.

And just so you know, both of my school aged children get straight A's and are well above their grade levels, and I have never made them do any school work during the summer. It is, however, a different story if your kids are behind, and "need" the extra work.

I am the same way, my kids go to camp every morning then come home for lunch and then they read/do homework for an hour or so while my little guys sleep...can you fit their homework into another time like before camp or after dinner with out disrupting the whole routine? Normally I would say stick to your routine but it is summer and I think we as parents need to be more flexible then...besides as long as the kid is well mannered and gets along with your kids what's the harm? I would speak to his parents and mention the idea of him going to camp with your kids or telling them that you're kids are going to camp but you need a half hour to recoup before they go back out and ask if they can hold him off until a certain time...I don't think it's your responsibility to be his happiness or put that before yours or your kids; however, think of it from his point of view and if you can be his ray of sunshine w/o comprising your family I think that would be great. The whole neighbor thing is tricky and although being the better person isn't always fun it's a great model for your kids. Best of luck!

You have a lot of great responses already, but I'll summarize what I like in them. Let them play, play, play!! - But, mental stimulation is important too (see below - I'm not dismissing your study time). Play developes skills in communication and problem solving and outdoor play is good for promoting health and well-being, too many kids are couped up in front of video games and computers.
IF you include this boy in the study time with your children AND they all remain friends, it will help promote good study habits when they all need it during the school year. Otherwise, he may always be a distracting force when you want them to do homework - it's always good to have a study buddy.
Try to find a balance, right now free unstructured play is as important as preventing their brains from turning to mush, and while times have changed as far as the pressure we put on our children to achieve, there were plenty of star achievers in our day that happily lazed their summers away.

I love the stop sign idea! The poor kid next door really needs to play. As the mother of an only child, I can relate to that. What a great compromise. They get to play later and you get to spend time with the kids too. If need be include him in the study sessions too unless you want the alone time with your kids which of course is your right. We had an older neighbor girl that would come visit us regularly and she just got included in whatever we were doing whether it was study or cooking. Be sure to talk to your children so they know the rules beforehand and be consistent (not rigid!). Sounds like they're having a great summer and you sound like a great Mom!

S. Hoehner
www.sharethecause.com/detoxqueen

My girls were always at play, that's what childhood is all about. We had kids all the time in my home, in the pool, playing and just enjoying life. They got simple lessons, no books except what we read together, like have them help with laundry, grocery shopping or cooking, these are life lessons they will keep forever. If you press the "homework" thing, eventually they will rebel. My older one was valedictorian in HS, Deans list in college and got the highest grade in grad school. My younger one was involved in many acivities during school, first honors, especially helping others, at this time she is in So. Africa, teaching the poor and her heart is in the right place. They both had a great work ethic, all taught by me, because I always stressed independence. (my younger one started working at 14 at the Ren Fest in NY) If you bog them down with schoolwork when it's summertime, they will not be happy campers. I raised mine the way I was raised and I have 2 beautiful girls who help others and and get work done. BTW, my younger will be going to grad school in Australia in the spring and she will be paying it herself, it doesn't get better than this. I allowed them to be children in the summer, and during school time we had homework time and playtime. Could it be you want some free time for yourself? All the moms who had kids in my house were ever so grateful their children were in a safe environment, with the little zoo of animals we had, nobody was a problem, some even slept in my home for days. Granted I was a stay at home mom, but it was such a pleasure to give other children a happy place to be. Stop sweating the work and let them be kids.

Hi Trina, I guess I feel sorry for the neighbors kid but you are entitled to do what you want with your children. You seem to have a happy medium with letting them play for a while. If you happen to speak to the neighbor you could share your issue. Maybe the kid next door would like to do some reading and writing with your children. My grand children also go to a great daycamp and I see when we get home there is a kid waiting for my 9 year old grandson. Grandma Mary

How about photocopying a few pages of "homework" for the neighbor? Once they all finish the work they can go out and play. If he doesnt like the idea of soing work for himself tell him he can help them finish quicker by doing some of the work to hurry it along. Hope this helps.

let them play after camp, and make bedtime earlier with reading time being part of that. thats a better habit for school year anyway.

I love the fact that you have your children reading and doing some homework over the summer.....

In terms of your neighbors child....you are right, you aren't responsible for his happiness.

So You have choices:

You can tell this child not to come over at that hour anymore. You can cover the bell with a sign that reads "Please do not ring bell" during the time your children are studying. If he rings the bell anyway, read the sign to him and send him home. You should also inform his parents in a very nice way what is happening and why it's not a good time for their child to come calling....
OR
You can explain to the boy at the door that your children are busy doing homework....if he would like to join them in doing homework he can come in to do so but there will be no talking and no playing allowed during this time. Inform him he has to follow the rules or he'll have to go home. If he agree's... Give the child a book, pad, pencel and chair (((at a distance from where your own children are sitting))) and some instructions of what you want him to do with the homework tools you have given him.....Be firm in telling your own children to get busy with their own homework and see what happens. Chances are your neighbors child will get totally bored and wont come back the next day.

But when and if he does return during the homework hour, ask him if he's here to do homework or to play? If he's not interested in doing homework then tell him this is the homework hour for your children and he'll have to come back another time...bring to his attention the sign over the bell.....sorry, bye, see ya another time, and close the door.....if needed, firmly tell your own children to get back to their homework.

Since you work full-time, do you have extra time to talk to your neighbor about your concerns? If both you and your husband spend a lot of time away from your children and only have the evenings to spend, then by all means let your neighbor know that the evenings are for family time when you share your values with them. Although the little boy spends all his time indoors during the day, you are not responsible for the happiness of that child. I feel you should set your boundaries with the neighbor, perhaps compromise a few days out of the week (or even just one) where its okay to let the kids outside. After all, your kids spend all of their day with other children playing inside and outside, if the only time they have to learn is with Mommy setting family values and guidelines in the evening, then the little neighbor's Mommy may have to find some playgroups in the neighborhood to take the little boy for socializing.

I work full time and go to school online full time. My three year old goes to daycare and the evenings are strictly for us. Many children in the neighborhood that stay home during the day want Jacob to come out to play but there is never adequate supervision for me to just leave my son out there. I think it is okay to set your evening boundaries. If your neighbor needs help with the problem, direct her to the county social services so she can apply for parenting/child programs.

Hi Trina, Let me just say that I think you are being a real dear to allow your children to respond to the neighbor boy's need to play! I think I would do the same. It sounds as if you are not, in fact, a "control freak", but rather a balanced and structured Mom who is responsive to your children's wish to play this summer! However, I, too, am keeping books and other more educational activities on our agenda. I think you should try to work out some sort of shared educational activities where the neighbor boy takes part in this at your apartment, and that the Mom/Dad/Nanny next door hosts (reading/writing, age appropriate science material, like on butterflies, what a rainbow is, or whatever) the next day, with a bit of unstructured play time that follows. I can only imagine the loneliness of the little boy next door. I think this is the best solution. BTW, I am a psychologist, and I think what you are providing your kids with, all the great structure and time with you, in addition to demonstrating your empathy for the boy next door, will go a long way in their social and emotional development. Have a great summer!

I have my kids do reading and math over the summer. School is NOT like how it was when we were kids. There are MUCH higher expectations so expecting some work over the summer is not unreasonable. Now that my oldest is going into middle school, she has summer work that has to be handed in once school starts. Mine have made this into a "school" game and have fun with it, your kids could do this with their neighborhood friend. I print math and language arts sheets off the computer and they do them together, taking turns being teacher. Lemonade stands are a great way to keep up math skills since they have to count money. My kids also read in the am before we head off to work/"camp". Since it is lighter later, they get to stay up and extra half hour and that is also time to read in bed. Usually we have to push them to do their reading the first week or two, then they get so immersed into their books that they don't need any reminders. A love of reading will help their education. I'm sure your kids are still having plenty of fun and play time. Another tip, my kids have to "earn" gameboy/computer time by reading. If they read (or do math/schoolwork) for a half hour, then they get that amount of video game time.

Trina-

I think you are 100% correct and you are not responsible for the neighbor's children. I also love the idea of "homework"--I have a 3 year old and an 11 month old and they are both signed up for summer book programs at our library. Regarding the neighbor and keeping peace, perhaps you could set aside a time for "homework" and dinner (say 4-6) and allow them to play outside for a little while after dinner before bath/bedtime. You could call your neighbors (the parents) and let them know that their child is welcome to come over after 6p. Or if you are up for this, you could allow the other child to join in homework time and read with your kids. Best of luck!

J.

Hello Trina
I can empathise with you as I sort of have the same issue. The little boy next door loves playing with my daughter but since there is no adult supervision as far as I can see I or my husband end up watching the kids. I sit on my deck and often am watching 2 4 year olds and sometimes the kids 2 year old brother and even his older cousins. The gate to their yard is often unlatched as well.

Like you, I don't want to be mean and I feel bad for the kid who only seems to have his family to play with. But as I am pregnant and dealing with depression, I am not always able to watch someone else's child on top of my own. And I admit..I have issues with his relatives beyond the supervision thing and I don't want to take that out on the innocent child.

I agree that yes kids should be kids, but they also need boundaries. You are ot responsible for anyone else but you and your kids. There is nothing wrong with setting a few rules such as : "You can come over at this time" or "You guys can play on these days."

Perhaps on Fridays you could skip the homework alltogether and just make that a free day since the next day is a weekend. Sounds like you are trying to find a balance for your kids and yourself. Talk with the neighbor about setting some boundaries in a non threatening or aggressive but assertive way. I like the idea of showing his mom some of the camp benefits or perhaps find out if there is a local MOMS group nearby.

And no.. you aren't being a control freak. Jusdt be flexible on the homework isssue..and talk with the neighbor. At least you can talk with her about the situation, unlike me who could not even tell you the names of the child's parents. good luck

How about setting up a specific time for homework? Then explain to the neighbor's boy that he can either read during homework time or wait until that time is done to play with your kids.

I don't think it is rude at all to set boundaires, like asking his parents to not let him know certain days of the week or during certain hours. You shouldn't feel pressured to let your kids do something you would rather them not by a little boy.

Hi trina, my heart goes out to all children esp. Those that seem to be lacking in a loving and structual home. It;s pretty obvious that this little boy is begging for attention and a whole lot of love. My suggestion to you would be,have your cake and eat it too (so to speak)make a deal with all three children they can have playtime but after a little homework together, quietly this way,you still get what you want and that little boy gets the caring and love he so deserves. Anyway you may come up with something different along these lines. But you get the general i am sure. Good luck and let all us mothers know how it works out. Thanks for taking the time to read this. Cynthia

The only thing I can tell you is to talk to the neighbors and let them know how you "run" your house and see if you can set up a time for them to play together that is after the reading....or invite the other child to bring a book and join in.

Nanc

For reading, why not take your kids to the library a couple of times a week? The neighbor kid won't be there and the atmosphere is perfect for encouraging reading (and as an outing, the kids might think it a bit of a treat).

I too have been in your position, and I solved it by posting a large construction paper Stop sign in the window when my kids were busy. It worked perfectly and prevented the neighborhood kids from ringing the bell-they just looked first for the stop sign.

My son goes to camp 9-2 and then comes home and says hi and then leaves again. He's 12 next month and wouldn't do the "homework" I got to keep him on track. All I got him to do was agree to read some books this summer. I like that he is outside playing and enjoying his summer though. I would let your kids play with the neighbor. I mean unless he is a bad influence. But if they are wanting to play with him I would let them go. If the idea of them doing "homework" is important to you maybe they could do some after dinner or while you are making dinner.

Hi Trina,

We've always done some kind of camp too and I've always assigned summer homework. I work in an elementary school so I know how important it is to keep those skills fresh over the summer - kids don't just hold onto them for 2 months.

I would talk to the mom. She may not realize that you've been at work and the kids have been in camp all day. Her child is kept home during the day and is bored because he has no one to play with and is really excited when your kids get home, thinking "playmates!" He is a kid and doesn't think that they have chores, homework, etc after being gone all day. I'd let his mom know that, and that on Fridays it's fine for him to ring the bell (giving them a day off from their responsibilities) or letting her know that the first hour home is for chores and homework, but that if he comes at 5:30 when you're cooking dinner, the kids could go out and play for 1/2 hour - or whatever suits your schedule.
Don't be afraid of hurting the moms feelings, what I have discovered is that people simply aren't aware of each other's schedules. You are not the only parent I know of who has said that the minute the neighbor kids see you pull in, they are ringing the door bell. What I used to get was the various neighbor kids ringing the bell at various times of the day when my daughter would be in camp, they would keep doing it even though I would tell them she is at camp and not home during the day, and during the school year, one boy who would ring the bell either the minute the kids got home from school or every night at the time we would sit down to dinner.
Good luck

Dear Trina,

I want to second all the moms who advised either inviting the neighbor kid over for "homework" or communicating to the neighbors that your kids have some time for free play and some quiet time for "homework."

However, I also want to mention that free, unstructured play IS educational. Kids actually develop much better intellectually and socially when they can engage in imaginative play with others than when all their time is structured. And if your kids have the opportunity to really make this boy's life better, that will also be great for their ethical development. I don't mean no homework; I just mean that the neighbor kid's presence could be positive for your kids, too -- not just the other way around.

I'm sure you'll find the right balance. You seem like a wonderful mom.

Mira

Hi Trina,

Would you consider letting your children playing with the neighbor's son once or twice a week? Feel free to talk with the parents of this child and explain that your kids have extremely active days and their inside quiet time is very important. Ask that they only allow their son to ring your bell on the designated days you've chosen ahead of time. This will help put your mind at ease since you now have control over the situation. Best of luck during the rest of the summer.

I agree with the rest of the suggestions here and would like to add one.

Talk to his mom about him going to the day camp your children attend. It seems like he could use more friends and maybe this is a good way for him to make some....also, it might work out that you and his mom can car pool the kids.

well i have to say this "LET THE KIDS PLAY" friendships mean alot to kids. i have 3 and one just graduated from high school and he's attending college now. summer is for relaxing and hanging/playing with friends. they are at camp all day long and when they come home i'm sure they enjoy playing with the neighbors kids too. let them be children!

Hi Trina,

I have a few thoughts.

First, have you considered inviting the neighbor to come inside and share some quiet time with your children. Explaining that after that's done, you could all go outside and play.

You may want to talk to the boy's parents and politely explain that your children really enjoy playing with him, however, your children need some quiet down time. Come up with times that would be appropriate for him to come over, like after dinner. Or maybe your kids could just do their "homework" 3 days a week and save the other 2 for play.

Good luck.