No - dont confide in her, and break confidence with your BF by spilling the beans of what he said, about what she said. (" A person who lack's judgement derides his neighbor, but a person of understanding holds his tounge" proverbs 11:12) That will backfire bigtime.
Reality: Threesomes in a relationship don't work.
I had a situation similar- three people in a relationship- but the lady was MY freind! We met her at church, and she became my good freind. She was a fun person, and I enjoyed her company. I let her "into" my family because I felt sorry for her, Her parents divorced in childhood and her husband was an around the clock workaholic and ignored her. She really never knew how it felt to be loved or have a normal family life.
Sometimes she would come over in the afternoon to visit and still be here when my husband came home from work and they would start talking. Sometimes she would come over on weekends or in evenings, and toward the end of our friendship she would stay until 1 in the morning, just talking away. Her and my husband are both BIG talkers, and I found myself being left out of the conversations, cut off in mid sentence and talked over, or even ignored while they bantered back and forth, talking and laughing. It was like watching a tennis match. They had a LOT in common, more than my husband and I did. On nights she wasn't here, he was tired and didn't want to stay up and talk or he watched tv and ignored me. I pointed that out to him. I started telling my husband how I felt left out of the conversations, or that they were talking about subjects that were salacous and it wasnt right, and he'd aknowledge and say sorry but then things didnt change when she was around. He liked the attention she was giving him,(and she liked his attention). He started resenting me for making him feel "guilty" for talking to her because it was, quote, "his freind too and he was fond of her", and I shouldn't keep him from having freinds. At church I would see her from a distance, talking to my husband when I wasnt right there, but she would not stop to talk to me, just a quick wave as she'd walk by. When the church had VBS and my husband and I were having fun in the crowd singing, and doing the hand and body motions, I had to bow out for a minute to take my youngest to the bathroom, and she left the sideline where she was watching us and jumped in and took my place with my husband! She was also in our Sunday night Bible study where there were 4 hours of fellowship. I was getting to loathe the time around her.
I was in a pickle. How could I break off the freindship when we had to see her in these other places? or another option, HIM still go to Bible study and church without me, and be with her? or if I went with him, I really couldnt act like her freind after breaking it off, but he would still be talking to her as always, in front of me? My husband wouldnt leave bible study- he LOVED the chance to talk and laugh with people, especially her. And now, my husband didnt want to break off the freindship (but he swore he had no interest in her or she in him). Needless to say this entire situation put "A LOT OF STRESS" on us... and our marital relationship was deteriorating rapidly for the two years she was around. Then one night when i asked my husband to make love he told me NO, and he didnt love me anymore and wanted a divorce.
My world crashed. All of this could have been AVOIDED by not allowing her into my home life and "marital relationship" in the first place. This whole time I had been trying to walk a tightrope, trying to not be jealous, trying to be a good freind and giving person, trying to be a good wife and let my husband befreind her, no matter how it made me feel. But my anxiety about the situation still came out when my husband and I would talk about the situation in private. It got to the point where the conversasions we did have would eventually revolve around her.
Once my husband told me he was divorcing me, I had nothing left to lose, no tightrope to walk anymore. I told this "freind" that I needed to call off our freindship because the situation was unbiblical, and asked her to be careful about how she interacted with my husband. The Bible study leader solidified my feelings when I confided the situation to her. she also said that she thought they were too flirty. A few weeks later she disbanded the study. We quit going to church. It took 10 months for my marital relationship to heal after that. Thankfully with God's help, and a lot of forgiveness, it did.
Both of us learned a lot. We both agreed it was WRONG for us to allow her into our heart and home like that. In fact the bible says "A righteous man is cautious in freindship" and "seldom set foot in your neighbors house, too much of you and he will hate you". My husband had to learn about Honor. He was dishonoring me, in my own home, in front of my face, and I allowed it. Once I put my foot down, he respected me more. and in the end I learned to admire and verbally praise him, and joke around more, Be more of a "freind" to him, because he had that 'need'.
I reccommend you do NOT bring another singular person into
your twosome. If you want freinds, you need to find COUPLES, and even then, you need to be very careful! If your husband wants a freind he needs to find it in YOU first, or in a male.
(in the case of boyfreind, it is much harder to push this, that is why marriage, rather than live-in, is a better situation to strive for. Without the promise set forth in marriage, some men feel they are not promised into anything and therefor have more freedom to do whatever they choose).
And by the way, I read several books about relationships, and one thing they mention, is that cheating doesn't occur because of the other woman's good looks. It occurs because they are getting an emotional need met in the freindship that they are not getting in the marriage. Emotional affair is what it is called, which can lead to a sexual affair down the road if it continues long enough and both people move into that spot. If the marital relationship deteriorates, now the other relationship looks even better and moves even futher up in his mind.
Our NEEDS will drive our actions. Men are prideful, they want, ..actually NEED to be stroked, admired, connected with, and respected. People will leave their moral ideals behind, family, home, children, and churches, to get their highest emotional needs met.
The books I read were "his needs, her needs" and "Love must be tough". A CD that I found to be helpful for my husband to listen to was BOB GEORGE'S " Marriage, a matter of identification", found on realanswers.net. It talks about how a wife feels when she is dethroned by another woman in the relationship. (Finally my husband was hearing it from someone else, instead of just me, and it was sinking in). But I recommend you read both of these books too.
If you take the advice of the other mom on here and embrace this woman's freindship- you need to be prepared to NEVER, EVER, hound him about his freindship with her. No jealously, no envy, no openly feeling threatened about it. No anxiety. EVER. (can you do that?)Because it can just push him closer into it, and then make you look "needy",clingy, and less of a catch than he thought, and could make him feel trapped. (amazingly the words my husband used and the very same feelings that Dr dobson laid out in his book that he said these men would feel.)
You want to make him feel like you are a good catch, and WORTH fighting for, and that he WANTS to fight for it. No man will respect a doormat. Allowing him to have his little side gal, after he KNOWS you don't like it and youve given the ultimatum, is allowing yourself to be a doormat and your threats to be empty and unbeleivable.
Since you really can't tell him what to do (your not married)It would be wise of you to tell him he can continue his relationship with her if he wants, but NOT with you in the picture! Tell him you deserve to be honored and that is dishonoring for you.(deep down inside he knows it's true).
You need to draw the line in the sand now. What if you decide to marry him? Now you have set the precedent that he can have girlfreinds and you will allow it.
Stand firm girlfreind!
God bless,
Gail