The Undoing of the Traditional Neighborhood...

Sign him up for a park district activity. He'll get to know other children his age and be able to make friends and they'll start choosing activities to do together besides playdates

Hi, H.. I hear ya on the traditional neighborhood thing. We took a reeeeeally good, looong look at this very thing when we were house-hunting. Ultimately, this is why we chose to leave the North Side and move to where we are now (Old Matteson). We, too, had friends in many suburban neighborhoods where we saw kids being bussed off to "this private school", "that specialty school"... it was very odd, not to mention chaotic. PLUS - omg - people were moving "two blocks away" and futsing around with ZIP CODE mania just to be at "this particular district" or "that particular side of the village". It made NO sense to me and boyyyy it was costly for them, uprooting for their growing children and, heck, making us dizzy watching it all.

The demographics here were changing for the better in the late 90's; lots of "white-flight" taking place and what was coming "in" were young couples (like us) with mixed-race families (like me) seeking a more forward thinking, diverse community in an old, historic neighborhood; no new construction, it's all too old and wonderfully PERMANENT! :-) Parks, festivals, trains, little shops, etc... all within walking distance. But most of all, it's a great grade-school district, all of us middle to upper income and with the exception of a few kids, most of the kids here go to the same magnet school my children attend.

Now, your son is just about 5 years old so I'll tell you. There wasn't much action here when my 2 older kids (18 months apart in age) were preschool/kindergarten age. Many kids here my kids' ages, but back then? That young? We parents had to make efforts to get everyone together. You'll see when your son gets a bit older (along with the rest of the neighborhood) that these kids will "find each other". You won't have to wait too long, either! He'll be out front learning how to ride his bike, playing ball, etc... and other kids will spot him and he'll spot other kids. They will naturally gravitate toward each other.

As close as my kids are to their pals from school who they see every day (weather permitting) after school; IRONICALLY, I've found that my daughter's closest friend is the one sweet goofball down the street that goes to private school and one of my son's (my son is in middle school) best friends is a sophomore who takes the train from here to Mt. Carmel H.S. They just, over the years, gravitate to each other and realize their own compatibility.

Look into your parks and rec programs. At your son's age, you'd be amazed at how many outlets exist for active kids of that age. Just be patient, these kids FIND each other eventually! He will have wonderful friendships, just wait a little bit. Especially if he is going to start Kindergarten this fall.

Oooh! I have to add this: be careful of the techno-age we're immersed in! "most" of the parents in our neck of the woods have adopted - collectively - the "good weather rule". *giggle* Right now, the kids are pretty much "stuck" indoors if it rains or snows or is too cold. But, no kidding, come Springtime - when the temp hit's closer to 70 degrees, the alert goes out: "ALL CORDED OR HANDHELD GAMES TURNED OVER IMMEDIATELY! GO OUTSIDE AND PLAY!"

We parents, too, had conversations over fences, etc.... about "when we were young, all we had was a BIKE!...." and this led to the "collective rule". So, in the summer - you'll find most of the kids here sweaty and stinky, drinking from the hose, bikes and skateboards strewn up and down the lawns.... and then there's the small handful of "hermit kids" that "never come out of the a/c" because they are glued to the X-Box or what have you. (One mom of one such hermit pretty much HATES a bunch of us (and let everyone know this) because, apparently, "our kids won't come over and play with her kid". Yeah, it's OUR fault. *cue violin music* UNPLUG YOUR KID, LADY!)

It's crazy the things we've discovered about this generation! So just keep an eye out for such things!!!! They can inevitably ISOLATE a child! Oh my goodness! :-) Good luck and here's to a fast-approaching SPRING!

Hi H.- In our neighborhood we have "Flamingo Friday". It is usually a summer outside evening get together at rotating houses (whoever can host does) Each person brings a beverage and appitizer to share. The kids play the adults talk and it is a lot of fun. Whoever hosts puts a big plastic neighborhood flamingo in their front yard.
It is fun and you could start it
Good Luck
Beth

Ahh, the good old days of kick the can, ghost in the graveyard, playing till the street lights came on, we knew everyone and everyone played together! I remember them well.

I have three kids and all three went to private school until junior high. They were also very involved in sports. Both of these provided friends that were very spread out. I felt the same way you do. But more than private schools, I think it is how much people work today, what little time is left, the parents are in a frenzy to just get homework, dinner, and maybe a load of laundry in before its bedtime and off to work again. It was over the summer that provided the greatest opportunity to get to know the local kids as I am a stay at home mom. The kids are already starting to ventur outdoors. Take a walk through the neighborhood with your son. All kids want to play and it usually only requires eye contact. When you see someone your sons age, have him say hi, point to his house and ask him if he wants to play. It's crazy, but its that simple; too bad us growups don't find it as easy.
L.

I understand your point. I was one of those parochial school kids. For me, (and this was a while back), the weekends and school breaks provided a great opportunity to play all day and bond with the neighborhood kids. Perhaps you can look into encouraging that weekend/school break culture. Otherwise, my closest sense of community came from the parents and students in my private school. My 6 year old has only attended private school so far. And, I have to tell you that the sense of community among the parents and students has been amazing. Otherwise, he still plays with the kids
next door and across the street. In the winter, we invite his neighborhood friends over for holiday activities and in the warm months, we get the kids out around the same time to bike ride and play. There really are opportunities to have the best of both worlds. If you really desire a sense of neighborhood community for your child you can probably help make it happen.

A little About me:
I am a full time working mom of an amazing 6 year old boy and my husband and I have been married for 10 years and lovin for 16!

H., you are right on about "neighborhoods" just not being what they used to be. We go to Willow Creek Community Church in Barrington and our church has had a big "neighborhood" push the last two years. Because it is such a large church and our members are spread out all over the Chicago Land area, they've really encouraged us to get to know our personal neighbors, whether they go to church or not. We've done tons of events and it has changed our lives to be so connected with neighbors now. Here are some suggestions:
1. Spend as much time in your front yard as possible. Much easier to meet people there than in your backyard.
2. Pass out flyer and start your own "mommy book club". I'm in one that meets every other Tuesday night and we usually read books related to parenting. But of course it could be about anything. We have made some amazing friendships that way.
3. We host a monthly "table group". Local neighbors who potluck at our house once a month. Great way to find out if there are any neighbors in need; i.e. new mom who could use a meal, an elderly person who could use help raking leaves, etc.
Sometimes we get together for some sort of service project, but mostly just hang out in community and watch the kids play.
4. Host a s'mores party in your front yard/ driveway. We borrowed a small fire pit last spring/summer and held "Sunday Night Smores" once and awhile. Everyone brought a s'more ingredient around 7:00 and just hung out for some good old fashioned conversation. Kids played "Hide and Seek", parents just hung out and chatted.
5. Friday night cookouts. We all met at a very local park (within walking distance) and everyone brought their own picnics or meat to grill (there was a grill there). Kids played and parents hung out.

We started this last spring and the changes have been amazing. Instead of everyone staying inside and watchig t.v., we're outside, kids are playing, everyone is more than happy to help neighbors when they understand a need. Service projects are a great way to connect and bond people.

Winter can be harder to get together, I'm counting down the days until we can hang out outside again! But our friendships stayed strong all winter long after getting to know everyone last year.

Good luck! Wishing you a happy and healthy neighborhood life!

P.S.- If you are a reader, pick up the book "Making Room for Life" by Randy Frazee. GREAT read and inspired me to make these changes in our neighborhood. You can get it on amazon.

I moved to my city home approximately 1.5 years ago and even though a lot of the children go to the neighbourhood school, I still struggle to break into any social element of my son's school. My son is now 8 and most mom's only want to swap play dates but don't necessarily want to get to know you. I've had 1 successful meet. Others suggest meeting up but when endeavouring to make a date it has been unsuccessful. I just think people in the city are too busy and have families and friends already established. I also realized that many travel outside of the city during holiday periods. I believe suburban living is likely to be a different experience as far as community is concerned - I certainly feel that way when I visit my in-laws. Don't give up though - I haven't!

I LOVE that Flamingo Friday concept! Reminds me of my parents when I was growing up.

These are encouraging words from moms, thanks. I have a goal of my sending my son to a neighborhood school so he knows his neighborhood. :)

Have you thought about sharing meals with your neighbors? My sister-in-law takes turns with her neighbor hosting brunch on the weekends. It's turned into a fun tradition and time for the kids in both families. The parents have also had fun trying out new recipes. You could do a brunch or weeknight mealtime--maybe keep it simple and do a soup exchange. I think food is a great connector.

You could also host game times. Invite the neighbors over for board games and/or group video games. The Wii is fun for that.

Luckily spring is coming and people will be outside more, making it easier to initiate casual conversations. Winter is hermit time in my neighborhood. You really have to work hard to stay connected even with the people right next door.

Good luck and have fun!

Hi H.! I totally agree with you. Growing up, our entire subdivision was the city school district EXCEPT for the last 4 houses on our street (our house of course) so my parents sent me to Catholic School. I really never was able to "connect" with other kids with that difference. It was 2 different worlds. I totally get what you are saying! Ways kids could connect would be sports or classes through the park district?

Agreed! It's sad indeed!! We had already established some early but tight friendships with neighbors ACROSS the street (!) and now our kids are in different schools AND school districts; we're even in different park districts, library districts, etc... how frustrating. Perhaps we need to speak (and vote accordingly!) with our legislators, who control and dictate county, state, and city / township boundaries, including those of the school districts.

H.,

I totally understand where you are coming from. My son attends a school that is outside our boundries, he is in a dual language program, the children are part of this program from K-5. By the end of the fifth grade thety are completely bilingual! my husband and I had to take advantage of such a fantastic opportunity for our son. That being said, he is one of the only children on our block that does not attend the same school as all the other children in the neighborhood. I feel that it does isolate him from the other children (he too is an only child). He is an outgoing, outspoken child and has no problem going to the other children on the block and asking them to play. Besides once a year block parties, you could have a play group at your house, which gives you the opportunity to talk to the neighbors and your child will get to know their children better.

I agree that this is a bummer but we also have to accept that times are really different. We have a school a block away and I send my kid to school 5 miles away! Nevertheless he still found friends to play with in our neighborhood. I don't really know how, but he did. Kids see each other hanging around and want to hang around too. Fortunately there were other boys in this neighborhood and we had a boy. It's good to get to know your neighbors and even have them over for a bbq or something to get to know them. Get outside with your kids and play catch or throw a frisbee around and before ya know it other kids will come around. Don't stay in front of the tv/computer!

H.,
Are there kids close to his age on your block? If so you may have to be the one to get this going but here is what several of the Moms on my block do. When the weather begins to get warmer we set up shop with chairs for moms on one persons driveway. We all sort of congregate to one and it changes very naturally. While the kids are still in school Fridays we crack out the chips and dip and beverages. Bring snacks out for the kids. Each mom contributes something whether it's the chips the salsa or animal crackers. During the summer just about every night we sit on someones drive way and about twice a week we get a drive way happy hour going. At least once a week last year it turned out to be a pot luck dinner of sorts. we would be having such a great time hanging out no one thinks of dinner until the Dads start showing up. Then we go to our kitchens and come up with something to share. I have to say I live on a great street with MANY children most who go to the same school (a few are homeschooled) but all the kids play together. It is like when I was young. I don't have much need for arranged playdates because I just send them outside there's always someone to play with. Anyway, I hope you can solicit some Moms on your block for a similiar gathering.

We are fortunate to live in a close knit neighborhood. But I too have one child a 6 year old boy. I find it is difficult to play with other boys if you don't put them in all types of activites. We refuse to overbook him and to enjoy a fun childhood that is structured every minute of the day. I wish more people thought that same way. When I was growing up we just played outside all the time with friends. It is too bad kids don't do that today, they are missing out.

Have you checked with the local park district or library for programs? Sometimes just hanging out there gives you the opportunity to meet people in the area. Also, check with community associations such as the Y or local civic organizations. Hope you find something!

I agree with you 100%. All the juggling of students does create a disconnect in neighborhoods. They are definitely not like they used to be. I live in a city where there are neighborhood schools and my boys always have friends around, which I think is great for them, and we get to know the families well. We are all kind of like a big extended family. The large city I live next to no longer has neighborhood schools, which is why I choose to live in my city next door. It's not just a lack of friends and neighborhood connections that's the problem either. There are kids that are on morning and afternoon buses 40 minutes each way so they can go to their assigned school all the way across town. I have a big problem with that and am so glad I don't live in that district. I hope you can find ways for your son to be with his friends and to get to meet and become closer to your neighbors.

This is partly why we moved to the suburbs. School really helps foster the cohesiveness of a community. Maybe you can try just getting neighbors together or finding this sort of bond through church instead?

H.-

I totally understand what you mean, but I have to say, living in South Oak Park, with three sons, the oldest is in first grade, we have a neighborhood feel...even before school...we play outside on the sidewalk and meet up at parks, and afterschool playdates are a common last minute occurance! Just wanted to let you know that in some places it does still exist. And I do freely send my kids out to play in the neighborhood by themselves...

T.

I live in one of those "traditional neighborhoods", but that's why we moved here. My husband knows I'm not going anywhere anytime soon because of the connections I've made. Most of them were just from going to the park or playing outside with the kids. I would then just strike up conversations with parents whose kids looked about the same age as mine. Many of the other connections I've met through my kids' sporting events and through volunteering at the school. I'm sure you'll find parents at your child's school that live closer to you than you realize. Once I've seen the same parents a few times, then I ask if they want to get the kids together some time (Mcdonald's, Chuck E. Cheese, Jump Zone, etc.). We've made great friends right in our area, and in fact a group of us moms get together once a month at someone's house for a moms night out. If you want to make the connections, you have to put yourself out there. Good luck!

A certain mindset/era is gone in our society and it is unbelievably sad to me because our children are growing up not even knowing it existed!
Gone is the day when mothers let their kids go out and play for hours without supervision. The arguement can be made *gasp* but what about child molesters?? Um, do you REALLY think there are more today than there were before?? I think not. And kids looked out for each other, you told your parents where you were going to be, you came home at a set time and you knew to stay away from strangers and strange people. I felt SAFE, now my kids feel afraid...just leaving their yard. What seems screwy about that to you?
Neighbors kept an eye on neighborhood children. If a child was doing something they shouldn't you might be descended on by 3 different moms and a dad who would shake their finger at you and threaten *GASP!* to call your parents, NOT the police.
Now if people see a kid doing something they shouldn't they either walk away (none of MY business and I might get sued!) or call the police.
Who wants to connect with other people when there is Tivo, WII, myspace and guitar hero? It's safer indoors...right?
Naperville is supposed to be one of the best places to raise children in the US. When we moved here I was so excited! Maybe there would be that "old time" feeling where people knew each other, cared about each other. NOPE. We lived in the same house for a year and I only "HIII, /wave!" at one neighbor, all the rest I never knew.
I love mamasource, it has helped me feel like there is SOME of that old time feel because we talk about all the things women used to talk about over the fence. But even here there is a feeling that if you aren't a part of a group or doing something WITH people then it isn't worthwhile to get to know people. If you don't think that is true check through my posts where I asked if anyone just wanted to make a new friend and get a cup of coffee....
Don't blame it on the school system, it is only another product of people isolating themselves. THAT said...wanna have coffee? =)

Wow! I could have written this. I sooo know how you feel. In fact, I am moving b/c of this reason. My children are pre-school age but there are NO little kids in our current neighborhood and I really want to feel that sense of community. Good luck!

Have them over! You don't need school to bond with your neighbors...Throw a little party, have some families over.

This was one reason we finally left the city, for Oak Park, and even though it was a hard decision for us, I am glad we did. Our school is two blocks from our house, where almost everyone attends. There are many activities around for kids, and a real neighborhood experience.

But, that said, growing up (also a long time ago!) I attended a school in the city different from most of my neighborhood friends. I had my school friends, and my neighborhood friends, and was able to make close connections with lots of different kids. 4.5 is a little young for you to really be seeing much of this, but I would encourage you to identify one or two families in the neighborhood with kids the same age to do some outrreach to. In addition to playdates, or extracurricular activities, maybe you could find a family interested in a child care swap. Nothing like spending more extended periods of time together, eating, sleeping, etc., to facilitate a bond.

I hear you! I'm not thrilled that I have to drive my son to school 15 minutes away every day, but it's such a great school that this is what we've chosen.
A good friend introduced us to a couple with a son our age who live one block away. That was 4 years ago and knowing them has changed our lives. Our sons attended preschool together and we're still doing activities together at least once a week, despite the fact that the boys attend different schools. Your new best friend could be living next door and you don't even know. I love the Flamingo Friday suggestion! Or why not start by having an open house at your place inviting everyone on your block? If you find just one family to connect with it can make all the difference. If you find enough families with kids close to your son's age, maybe start a rotating neighborhood playgroup, so that every Friday a different parent in the group plays host for a couple hours. I have a friend with a seven year old who attends the same playgroup she joined when her daughter was a toddler. The girls go to different schools, have younger siblings now, but still enjoy making time for their local pals. good luck!