Third Child or Not?

Boooo to Peg M! :) I don't have much advice as I am pregnant with #2 and am already struggling with the decision to try for #3. I'd love to but have the same concerns as you (financial, etc). i look forward to reading the replies you get. good luck and keep us posted!

I think if you want one, then have one. We can get caught up in being worried about so many things, but you seem healthy, you have a functional family, what more could another child ask for? :)

"Closeness" I think has more to do with the way you are raised as opposed to the # of kids. I have only 1 sister and her and I are very close. My hubby has only 1 brother and they are not that close.

I have 3 kids. Going for and having the 3rd was one of my best decisions in life...our 3rd child completes our family!

I was also warned against having more than 2 by my whole family! I am the only person on my Mom's side of the family to have more than 2 kids...but I am also the only person on my Mom's side to wait and not have kids at 20 yrs old...so I broke all the rules!

This decision can not be made by us here in cyber-space...this is something for you and the hubs to decide on, and only the two of you!

Best Wishes!

Hi J.,
My advice is that you don't make any decisions based on fear. You can never truly know what the outcome of something will be. You don't know if you will have a healthy child or a sick child. One of the children you already have may come down with something serious. We do not know what tomorrow holds. But, if you want a child, you should have one. Don't decide because of financial issues. Most people feel like they can always use more money. But, the don't really *need* more money. They might need to better manage the money they have though. And, if you want your children to be close, you need to foster that in them. We have 6 children. All of them are close from the oldest to the youngest. There is a 14 year age gap total between them all. They all switch off who they play with, etc. all the time. We don't allow sibling rivalry. We expect them to love each other, be kind to one another, think of the others ahead of themselves. We work hard at teaching our children to not be selfish, which is a great place to begin with having good relationships. I say forget 3, have a dozen! :)

Pray. There are so many factors and so many possibilities that you simply can't know or control. But I don't know anyone who regrets having their third child. Even though our finances and our house are tighter and my 2 yr old is screaming and crying at the moment for reasons I can't decipher, I adore her and am so glad we have her at this time. Good luck and God Bless!

Considering that making another human being is the single highest impact choice most of us can possibly make, I'd personally be inclined to stick with the "or not" if that was within my range of choices.

The population curve for humans is very nearly a straight-up vertical line on a graph, rather startling, actually. And all those babies will eventually be competing with each other for resources, which are declining. To the degree we keep seeking out our own gratification, the next few generations may well have to experience deprivation.

I don't have a good answer, but believe me, I am reading all the answers you get! We're in the same place as you, except that we have a girl and a boy. I have a million reasons NOT to have another, and only a few, but very heavily weighted reasons TO have another. Actually, I thought the opposite...that families with 3 kids seemed to be closer than those with just 2...but maybe that is because I was focusing on brother/sister pairs. My brother and I are NOT close at all anymore (we're actually not speaking right now) and I WISH so badly that I had another sibling to be close to. Contrary to popular belief, it's not entirely the parents' job to ensure the relationship of the kids. My parents were completely supportive and our home nurtured and fostered strong relationships...but my brother just went his own way. One of my strong feelings for wanting a 3rd is the fear of one being alone God forbid something happened to one of the kids. And because we are older parents, I feel like maybe it would be good for them to have siblings (plural!) to share their lives with since Dh and I will probably be gone before younger parents would. Does that make any sense?
We are forced to wait at least a year as DH is deploying, so we'll revisit it when he returns (God willing), but I think about it daily and almost wish I didn't have to make the decision. Let me know what you decide!!!

Oh...and PS...I'll probably get flamed for this comment...but in terms of the "overpopulation" arguments...personally, I'd rather see people procreating who are weighing the pros and cons, can afford their kids, encourage education, and are intelligent, responsible people! You certainly sound like that type of person! Have a dozen! It's the ones who can't afford their kids or don't give 2 hoots about raising them well, educating them, teaching responsibility, etc. that are having big broods who then go on to contribute very little to the world, who turn to violence and whatnot while using up resources. Which type would we rather see in the majority???

We chose to have 3 (which is currently baking). Our first 2 are a year apart and I swear were supposed to be twins, haha. They do everything together. I do worry sometimes when this third one comes that it will not have the closeness as my first two, but then again I am just fine with it creating their own friendship. My husband comes from 4 and I am only 2 so I don't know what a bigger family is like (but I am excited to see what ours turns into). My husband has a good relationship with all his siblings. He is the baby as well.

I say if you want a 3rd go for it. Each one of the kids will form their own relationship between eachother.

Hoooooray for Peg M! At least someone is thinking! It's true -our population is out of control, the world's resources are being depleted at record rates, and it's more expensive than ever to have children. If you really, truly want a third and feel you won't be complete without it, AND you know it's NOT going to stress you financially, then fine, but these folks who just want to have baby after baby after baby without any thought about the future, the cost or the consequences, are not living in the real world. Only you can know what's important you to and for your kids financially. It IS important to consider finances! I want to travel with my kids and make sure they get top notch educations and don't have to scrape by. Others don't mind if they never take their kids further than the town they grow up in and if their kids only wear hand me downs. You have to decide what's important to you. Also, what are your limits? I have no desire to have a bunch of kids. I love my two boys with my entire being, but I have to have alone time and time away. The more kids there are, the less of that I get! Any more kids would drive me nuts!

There are no guarantees in this world at all about healthy children or if your kids will be close to each other. Maybe they will -maybe they won't. My mom is from a family of 6 and when they were all alive, there were a few who were close and the rest all fought amongst themselves about different things at different times. I'm an only child, and I love it! I got to choose my siblings in the form of great friends I've had for over 20 years now.

Just remember, a family of 4 is a nice number that works well in most situations. Also remember that when finances get really tight, it takes its toll usually on your marriage and then on your own personal stress level.

I was one of three girls growing up, and in my mind three is the perfect number. I love having my two sisters. We've always been close-- best friends-- even though our personalities are so different.

Don't worry about the closeness of the kids. The closer they are in age, the more in common they'll have growing up. If they're far apart in age, they'll still find ways to bond, especially when they're adults. It's always nice to have a sibling to lean on, doesn't matter what age! And it's nice to have more than one sibling, because you may connect with different siblings in different ways.

Don't let finances hold you back, unless your finances truly are bad and you wouldn't be able to provide for your family. There's always the potential to make more money, but the time to have children is limited. That's how I feel, anyway.

I come from a family of 4, and I think we're all pretty close, except child #3 (my sister) has always had issues with child #4 (me.) We grew up playing together constantly, despite a 4 year age gap, but her personality is a manipulative one, and she's manipulated me since she learned how. She extorted my allowance from me, and stole my toys, and all sorts of other things. In high school, she borrowed my clothes all the time, but refused to let me borrow hers. She got up earlier, so she could sneak in my closet without my knowing it.

Later, when I was 11-ish, I got to know my oldest sister, 10 years my senior, when she was home from college for foot surgery. That's when I realized I hadn't ever really known her before that.

We're all very different people. I think my brother and I are more alike than any of the rest. My oldest sister is all about fashion and Home Beautiful magazines, my brother is a respected medical researcher and professor, my second sister is an artist at heart who takes care of wayward children by running a group home. I'm a biologist/artist type. But we all love each other very much, and would do anything for each other.

My husband's family is way different. They're really a lot more similar to each other than my siblings are, but the strife in their family is terrible. They picked on their one and only sister so much, doing things to her that I would never imagine doing! Like tying her to a chair and leaving her in the alley for trash pick-up. She was scared to death! They tied her dolls to the ceiling fan blades and turned on the fan to torture her. She got out of the house the moment she graduated from high school and doesn't come back when her brothers are there, if she can help it. I was shocked when I heard their dynamics. They call each other fat, stupid, ugly, and worse. I bet if my husband keeled over this second, they'd all call to say they're sorry, but none would shed a tear or come for a funeral. Nor would he go to one of theirs.

The point of my long long answer is that I don't think sibling closeness has so much to do with how many children there are as how they are raised.

But I will tell you that two kids is infinitely easier then 3! Our 3rd is 10 months old now, and life is hard sometimes. Of course, we love him dearly and couldn't imagine life without him, but it's a lot harder to get them all out to the car, get them all dressed, get them all fed, bathed, to bed, etc. But that, I hear, is just a phase. Just one more stage of life that we'll miss when they're older and more independent. But right now, I just have a headache!

That said, we're planning on four. It may be hard, but it's worth it.

If you have the money, and have the time to care for another go for it.
My cousin has 3 girls, and the range from 6 to 13. all are very close to each other.

Peg has a very valid point. I am in favor of small families as well, but ultimately the decision has to be right for you and your family. I believe finances should be a concern in having kids. I want to be able to do everything I can for my daughter, and travel with her. We have struggled to get by and I hate it. Some people don't care if they travel, they dont mind having to juggle finances or it doesn't stress them out.
I have seen large families struggle with closeness, others it has not been a problem. I believe 3 can be a toxic number as that someone can be ganged up on. My sister was # 3 for years and hated it, she was so happy when I came along. Also consider your hubby. What sort of relationship do you have or want with him. More kids mean less quality time in a lot of cases. Its important to keep a healthy relationship with the person you plan to grow old with. I have watched several marriages crumple after the 3 little one came into the family. Maybe its foundations were shaky to begin with, but as much joy as a little one brings there is tons of stress too. Also last thing to consider is that you will have less time to spend with each child as an individual, not to mention when your in a sleep deprived haze its harder to enjoy each stage of your older kids. ( I have heard many moms say they have enjoyed the last child the most due to being able to slow down) I have seen large families with younger kids not doing as well in school because there is less time to devote to each kid. On one more note you don't say how old and even though its not as big of a deal nowdays, age should be a consideration. My mom was almost 40 when I was born. I hated having my mom be thought of as my grandma at times. I think she and I have a harder time seeing eye to eye as well due to the gap. We also didn't go camping as much or other fun things because of that. ( Perhaps for you having 3 together you would be more likely to have more fun family adventures, I was a baby/only child) That being said I have never known anyone say that they have regretted any of their kids. Again you will have to sit down and decide what is best for your family, think about what you want not only a year from now, but 10 years. Good luck and best of wishes.

I can think of 2 families, one with 3 girls (the third was an oops and quite a bit younger) and one with 2 girls and a boy. They are all in their 20's and 30's now, and very close.

time and money... if you have it and can get each child their fair share of the pie and/or each get has the same opportunities at each respective age go for it! :)

that said, whatever you decide... if there's' a will there's a way.

Best of luck on your decision, that's a tough one, but if you really want another child, then go for it. I think no matter what siblings will be close, especially as they grow older into adults. I was the yougest of 5 children, my oldest sister is 15 yrs older than me, but now that I've grown up, we talk on the phone and I don't really see that age difference matters.
I have three girls, my first are two years apart, and then along came our little bonus princess. I'm so glad we had three, and it's been nice having our 3rd a little later because we've really got to enjoy those milestones. Although there is a lot of drama in our home, we love it and never regret having 3! I would love to have one more for our little one to play with, or adopt a little boy but, my husband says we are done! 3 does change a lot, but it's really been fun and even though my girls have their arguments, they also love playing together. My oldest and youngest are 7 yrs apart. Good luck!

We have three and awaiting our 4th. I do not think that having three has anything to do with closeness of the family at all. Our three are, two boys, 10 and 4, and one girl that is 2. All of them take care of each other, love on each other, and play together. I love the first age gap of 6 years because my oldest loves to help with the smaller two and he adores them both!

As far as age, there is definitely more risks with age but they also show with those that have problems that they had problems with prior pregnancies or health issues before. I am 40 with my 4th baby to be born in January. My pregnancy is perfectly healthy and on track with no signs of downs or anything else of that nature.

Now having 3 kids is a whole different world. I remember how life-changing it was when I had my 1st and couldn't believe I had no idea what I was in for. Then when I had my second, it seemed to go much smoother. When we had our third and it seemed life-changing again. I had to get a different car to accommodate them all, I was outnumbered, I was more tired, I felt more spread thin, etc. My youngest is now 2 and we have found our groove and I absolutely LOVE having three children and look forward to our surprise blessing on January, I am sure the money will be even more tight and I will be more tired but blessed all the same.

In short, I think if you considering a third, just do it. The finances work out some how and the health of the baby I am sure will be perfect, and how close everyone is depends on family dynamic. Just go enjoy!

From experience two is not always close and if there were a third maybe I would have a sibling to have a relationship with.
I have four. I think "closeness" is how you raise them to be towards each other and in relationships as a whole. Are you close to your sister or brother? Do you call your mom every day? Do you complain about your family? When they see you fostering closeness with your extended family they see that it is the right thing to do.
This is a decision that is entirely up to you and your husband. You give no real reason to have a third or any reason not to have one.

I have three children, my last one was a total surprise but truly a blessing. My older two are two years apart and then there was a 9 year gap before my third. Since I was a little girl I always wanted 3 kids. I have 3 sets of cousins (3 different families that have three kids) that have a really closet relationship with their siblings. I have three sisters and am pretty close to all of them except one but I think that is more geography and her husband, he keeps her to himself (another story). For a lot of families I think siblings fight when they are younger but as they become adults they are there for each other. I think it also depends on your upbringing. I come from a close family, so do my cousins, my husbands' side, well they love each other but they can go years without seeing or talking to each other.
I'm all in favor for three or even more. I use to think three would be my limit (I did tie my tubes after the 3rd) but I really would like to have one more so my youngest would have someone closer to his age. It's sort of like he has 4 parents.

I have 3 children close in age. It is a lot of work, but so far they are all very close. Only time will tell how that will translate into adulthood, but I will say this - my husband has just one sister and they are not at all close. Two close friends of mine are one of three and both families are very close. I think the closeness of the siblings has much more to do with the family dynamics than the number of children.

The bond of a family is what the parents make of it. I am the youngest of 3 girls and we are all close, have always been... our ages are: 42, 38, and me 36. I have two children not close at all in age due to my husband and me had our first young...our daughters are 16 yrs and our youngest 22 months. It wonderful to see how close our girls are; our oldest playing hide and seek with her little sis, then the little sis sharing an ipod with her sister. Ultimately, my husband and me have decided that we will try for another in 3 more years. Hopefully, we will not suffer so many miscarriages, but we feel that children come in their own time. No matter when they arrive they are a blessing and we will ensure that they care for one another. Follow your heart.