This Is off Another Question from ""Playdates with Friends""

I'm not that experienced with this age and lived too far out in the sticks for playdates at that age, but i would think you could set up opportunities for her to decide if she wants a friend. Like the fam is going bowling next friday woudl you like to invite a friend? and leave it at that. Or even, lil sis is havign a friend on sunday to play boardgames would you want to ask Sally if you can play at her house?

sort of wean her off of you just calling Sally and arranging it all. Personally i would think i'm so much a control freak that i would still want to chat with the parent to confirm nothing was misunderstood between the girls, taht would be a good compromise for me,

I think you should teach her how to be a friend and to get what she wants. If she wants a friend to come over, she needs to ask. Have HER call HER friend to ask to play. Not you arranging it for her. Tell the jealous daughter that she needs to speak up and if she wants a playdate, too, she needs to say so. If your daughter is in 6th grade, it may also be that her sister is simply more popular. Middle school is a tough time for girls. if her current social pool is low or snotty, then consider getting her involved in a hobby where she can meet more likeminded kids.

Even the 3rd grader can learn how to dial the phone, ask politely, etc. They should OK it with you first, of course, but they can ask friends themselves at these ages.

My SD had friends who would hang up when an adult answered the home line. They were so unsocialized they didn't know how to ask for the party they wanted and in this day of cell phones, they were just used to getting the one person they were looking for. I flat-out told SD that was dumb and she agreed.

You can also teach your kids to ask to go over there sometimes and know that (for various reasons, I was one of those kids) that not every kid can reciprocate in kind, so you may be hosting a particular child or two much more than they host your child.

When my sks were in 5th grade, they were biking to nearby friends' houses and vice versa. Yes, there is still a level of involvement with kids because they are kids, but I think that by 11, it is perfectly reasonable for the kid to say, "Hey, can Jimmy come play on Saturday?" Then you can say, "Well, we have x from 1-3 but after 3 is OK." Then your child can call Jimmy and ask if he can come over after 3 and discussions about transport can be done then. Maybe you pick up Jimmy on the way home and Jimmy's parents get him later. That's what I mean. The kids can do some of the legwork.

All I would do is tell your older daughter that if she wants a friend over, she needs to check with you, then invite the friend over herself. If she is in 6th grade, that seems a little old to be expecting Mom to set things up. If she's not sure about inviting someone over, or isn't getting invites herself, maybe she needs some help with her social skills?

Not sure why folks think sixth graders are able to arrange their own social lives. Yes, they should take the initiative to ask mom first (I'd like Sally to come over this weekend) and to then ask the other kid, but in sixth grade, the parents still will need to drive kids places unless Sally's down the street, or to coordinate with each other's larger, family schedules (around here, Sally's little sister's soccer game may be happening two towns away at the same time and Sally just has to go to that, sorry, Sally didn't know that when she said yes....) The kids should get it started and issue the invitation, but realistically even in sixth grade the parents have to have roles, unless you're talking neighbor kids who are very close by -- and even then, the parents have to know who is going where, and when, for basic safety. So yes, DO strongly encourage your 6th grader to think about getting together with friends and to set things up initially, but like I said...realistically, these days, they don't coordinate the whole thing themselves.

I would say the 6th grader is too old for you to arrange playdates. Encourage your 6th grader to invite friends over herself. Of course she still needs to ask you if it's okay first.
My son is in 2nd grade and he will usually ask if so and so can come over and I just tell him that I'll talk to his mom about it to see when he can come. He has one friend he loves playing with and I'm friends with his mom and we take turns having them at our houses.

Wow very old for you to arrange...my kids are 4 and 5 and they initiate some of their own, and I do as well for them, based on their requests.

Talk to your kids, get them to start initiating. It should be a give and take. Polite parents should invite your kids over their houses too. (Some may not be able to due to work etc, but possibly on a weekend or something).

Work with your kids on this!

Yeah 6th grade is waaaayyyyyy too old for you to be managing her social life. My kids would have died of embarrassment over that. She can call a friend and just say "hey I was wondering if we can hang out today (or this weekend or this week, whatever the time frame is)" and see what the response is. This is how the older kids do it and then they figure out where (your house, the friend's house, somewhere else) so it's not always your child inviting the other over per se but she still can get together with friends.

I think my oldest kids started initiating their own invites/get-togethers in 4th grade. My 2nd grader has been calling friends since Kindergarten - of course he needs permission to use the phone and the adults eventually talk to sort out the details, but it's good practice on phone skills, taking initiative, looking at a calendar, etc.

I would definitely stop. They are old enough to learn basic social skills. If they really want the company, they can call a friend to initiate plans for themselves. When a parent calls me to "schedule" a "playdate" for their child and mine, I will tell them nicely that their child should call mine directly to ask. I would never schedule something and tell one of my DD's, "Friday you have a playdate with X" What if they don't want to play with X? This is what we did when they were 2 and 3, but definitely not at ages 9 and 12. I'm surprised how many parents still take it upon themselves to manage their child's social calendar. You can coach them on how to call and ask and invite a friend over or out to do something. You can tell them, "you may have a friend over Sat afternoon, or Friday after school." And let them do the inviting. If they don't want to, don't push. After the kids make the initial conversation, the Moms can (but don't always have to) get on the phone and work out logistics. Once your DDs have invited a friend, talk to them about how real friends will take turns and should eventually invite you over to their house our out with them. If my DDs are invited, I make sure and remind them often, they should be a good friend and remember to call and invite X next time to our house. Hopefully, most other parents also notice and appreciate with their kids are invited, and will encourage their own to invite mine back. I do remind and encourage, but never force. Sometimes, it just isn't a good fit. One-sided friendships aren't good. If they don't receive any type of reciprication after a time or two, they should consider moving on, calling different girls and initiating new friendships.

I have 2 girls, and I have often dealt with jealousy issues when one has a friend over and the other doesn't. Especially in the summer when just by circumstance, one of the girls has a neighbor friend available, and the other does not. The one that does not has to put more effort into finding a playmate. It's not fair, but it's life. When that happens I just remind them that they are two different people, they don't have the same friends, they will not always get playdates and invitations at the same time. But if they are lonely, they need to take action if they want to be busier with friends.

Kids talks to parent "Can I invite XXX over for a couple of hours one day this week after school?" mom reply's "yes, but not on XXX, we have an appointment and can't take anyone else with us".

I also think a 6th grader should do this on her own. When I was that age, I couldn't imagine it. Maybe she could call a friend to go ride bikes - definitely old enough without a parent.

Also she may need to join an activity where other school friends are there, this would help her get a little closer to some kids.