Three-year-old Scratching Others

The most important thing you can do is to keep his fingernails cut short and filed smoothe. If he resists you doing this while he is awake, do it while he is in a deep sleep. Aside from that, keep doing all the things you are doing, and try the daily chart and reward system, too. This will not continue forever. Call me if you'd like to discuss it more. I went through this with my two children, who are now 9 and 11. I. Collins, Executive Senior Sales Director for Mary Kay, Inc. ###-###-####.

Try to keep track of when he does this and then figure out why. He is probably frustrated and doesnt know how to express himself. If yo think this is so teach him a way to get out his frustrations and communicate them in a positive way.

Hi K.,
How is the rest of your son's development, particularly speech and fine motor. On the behavioral side, when you do set the limit of 'no scratching' it is important and helpful if he can repeat what you just said and to have him verbalize again when he receives a consequence such as a time out. With regard to how he uses his hands, yes keep his nails short. Sometimes if a child's hand grasp/release and finger development is not complete, even an innocent gesture becomes a hit,grab or scratch, the interaction escalates and the behavior becomes habit. Consider having him evaluated in these areas.
M. Kassover MS,PT,PCS
Physical Therapist
Board Certified Pediatric Specialist

You know, I was just this week reading a chapter in a book I'm reading and it discussed this. I'm not sure if this fits your child, but this author believes that some children recharge their batteries by being alone, and some by being with others. She says that those that recharge by being alone, will often resort to aggressive behavior like biting, scratching and hitting. She suggests you watch out for the clues to head it off. That usually kids who need some time alone, can become overstimulated in group activities pretty easily, might need more alone time when they get up in the morning, might take more time to warm up to others in a group, etc. Anyhow, she suggests when your child does that to walk up right away and 1) correct the behavior. Like "Joey, ouch, that hurts when you scratch. We don't scratch other people. 2) Then allow a bit of down time. Like, "Looks like you need a break. Why don't you come help mommy pick up leaves. Or "let's go read books." Or, whatever. The point is to engage the child in an chance to be more quiet and alone. Supposedly it'll help replenish his constitution and help his mood. Again, not sure this fits your child. But, thought I'd let you know! Take care!!

Dear K.,

I completely agree with Valerie. I own a childcare center and the biggest mistake I see is parents correcting their children by trying to reason with them. They go through these lengthy conversations on why we don't bite, scratch, hit, etc. The discipline needs to be immediate and age appropriate. You need to get eye level with them, change your tone and facial expression and clearly say WE DO NOT SCRATCH!! IT HURTS DADDY, YOUR FRIEND, ETC. There is no reason to scratch him back, or hit. I am a mother of a 24 year old and a 19 year old with whom I am extremely close with in their adult life, however when they were young I was very firm when addressing bad behavior. One rule I always followed was pick your battles, and when you do make sure you win because if you don't they will run all over you. Biting, scratching, and hitting, are behaviors that sometimes come from frustration, or over stimulation. When we have children who display these behaviors we try to observe the child during play sometimes you can see what the triggers are (child taking a toy away, child being to aggressive, or just to much stimulation etc.)and maybe you can try to teach him appropriate ways to handle himself before he reacts negatively. If you use time out remind him when he is in time out why he is there and when his time out is over have him apologize to whom ever he scratched. If he refused have him return to time out until he is willing to say sorry. Making a child accountable for their actions I also find works, and when they apologize I commend them for doing so. I think it makes them feel better and lets them know you are not mad at them, just upset with what they did. I hope this helps. Good luck!!

Hi K.,
First, I'd keep his nails really, really short and filed. If he doesn't like it, then maybe that'll be incentive not to scratch. If he's been doing it for close to a year and "punishments" have not worked, much as I hate to do it, I'd slap his hand. At not even three, he really can't understand 6 hours later why he still doesn't have his favorite toy. He is likely doing it impulsively, not thinking "Hey, I'll scratch dad/sibling/friend!" If the action happens as an impulse in the moment, the consequence for such a young child needs to be immediate and without them wondering what it's for. I'm not big on physical discipline and some may flame me for suggesting I'd have handled it that way, but I would have.

hi K.;

obviously i don't know your child but we had problems here w my son who was 3 in june and here's the ONLY thing that works; it's the "1-2-3 Magic" behavior correcting system. it is a time-out based system but it's extremely specific; it's not just the threat of a time-out and the actual punishment. it's designed very simply and you learn it by reading the book by the same title by Dr Phelan. you can order the book on Amazon for about $8 used. that's what i did.

my son went through a viciously aggressive period when his 3rd bday was approaching and we were moving at the same time; it was horrible; scratching but a lot worse as well. we took him to a very nice, kind, down to earth pediatric psychologist who said to us, You have a great kid here, he's just pissed off, and you guys don't have good boundaries in place. so he had us start on the "1-2-3" system and it began to work in 3 days.

the main thing of 1`-2-3 is that the adult has to take total responsibility for teaching the child, consistently, simply, and with control, what's unacceptable. the system is based on a "No Talking, No Emotion" premise for the parent, which is how the parent learns to control thier own feelings about the behavior and stay in charge. it's liberating, effective, and the book is actually fun to read.

my son has stopped almost all of his aggressive behavior (boys will be boys, there is a truth to that and they will NEVER be perfect) and he is all around 50 times better behaved. he responds to the system 100% of the time.

good luck to you
J.

Scratch him back so he knows what it feels like. He is more interested in the reactions to the scratching than actually wanting to hurt anyone. If he experiences how it feels to him, he might stop. (Works with biting as well)

Nanc

Hi K.,

I'm a mom of two girls, college and high school aged, and I have " been there- done that". I think your discipline is too sophisticated for the three-year-old developmental mind. At three children are "king of the universe" and they are only beginning to learn cause and effect and empathy. Important lessons for socialization.

When my kids began to do the hitting and biting thing.(they didn't scratch, but it's all the same) .. It was usually because they were over-stimulated somehow.

I suggest addressing the behavior immediately, right on the spot wherever you are. The consequences should be plainly linked to the action. Other wise a child that age, can't associate their actions with the results... If you do it consistently I believe that he behaviors should stop very quickly.

As soon as he scratches someone, get eye to eye, holding your child's hands to prevent further scratching, and in a FiRM voice with a disapproving face, simply say :we do NOT scratch people, it Hurts them" and then pick him up and remove him from the area. Do not use the sing-song voice or hold him in hugs, it sends mixed messages .

If he scratches you are your husband, you should "yelp" in pain, to make it clear that he is causing something "bad" to happen too you. He will cry.. But that's OK. He SHOULD feel uncomfortable when he hurts people.

I would usually put my kids in their rooms,..I'd leave the restaurant in the middle of the meal if I had to, I'd apologize to friends and end a play date on the spot, etc. Immediate response to unacceptable behavior. I only had to do that a few times.

Yes my daughter would scream and I'd feel guilty and like a horrible mom, and second-guess myself... Bit the behavior lessened immediately and with warnings,disappeared in very little time.

I always told my kids ahead of time what I expected, and the consequences. "If you scratch anyone at the playground, we will leave".

In my case I only had to leave a park playground twice, and the older sister hated it. But Like I said, only twice.

If I noticed her getting frustrated I'd intervene if I could, to prevent the behaviou\r, and I'd remind her "no biting" in a firm voice..

I think charts and, and consequences that don't directly relate to the behavior ( like taking away a toy for scratching you) and other intellectual approaches are more effective in kids older than four.

I hope you can teach him empathy and cause and effect. It helped my girls grow into wonderful young women.

Best of luck, Val

PS: I read some of the other responses, and (no flame intended) .. Do NOT scratch him in back.. You will only teach him that you, some one who is his whole world,is willing to hurt him!

You are trying to teach him NOT to do that, so it's a mixed message to do it yourself! "Two wrongs do not make a right"... An important lesson for life.