Time Fmyor Grandma to Be a grandma...not Just a Babysitter!!

You go girl!

Can't help what she says, but you're making the right choice for you and that's all that matters.

You're a wonderful grandma - don't forget that. :)

I think if you are ready to go home then it's time to let her know. I suggest you tell her "sweetie, I am planning on going back home at the end of June. I think that will give you enough time to find child care and we can transition the kids to a child care setting. I will still come and visit but my mom is not going to be here much longer and I miss her". Then start making plans to go home.

Don't feel bad.

I personally know, a lot of Grandparents. And they vent to me.
They are at my kids' school, doing parental things and dropping off and picking up their grandkids AND taking their grandkids to their extracurricular lessons.
They are elderly.
They have lives and doctor appointments and aches and pains, and health concerns and may be a bit slow in the reflexes, etc.
They say, they can't even do their own things, because their time is doing care taking for their Grandkids.
But, they feel obligated. But even on weekends, the parents will give their kids to the Grandparents. So then WHEN, do they have time to do their own things or even relax?
If they say no, they feel bad, and/or the Parents have an attitude like they are being inconvenienced. Or they have the attitude that the Grandparent does not have a choice.
So they are, not always happy.

I personally don't give my kids to my Mom, unless I have to. And I always ask first, if she doesn't mind. She can say no, and does sometimes. Which is fine. She has a life. Or sometimes she is just to tired to be with my kids or just wants quiet. Fine.

You have a right to feel as you do.
Many of my friends, are Grandparents.
I hear, what they say. Like yourself.
You are human.
And you love your grandkids.
But you have a life, too.

You absolutely have the right to do that. You have raised your kids and shouldn't be saddled with the expectation to co-parent your grandchildren.

After reading this I may have to sit down and talk to my mom!

I have a two year old and I have my mom watch her 1-2 times a week so I can attend school while my husband works.

I would hate it if she felt this way, too =(

Bless you for what you do for your family - if I knew my mom felt the way you do I would absolutely "set her free!"

You've raised your kids. Your daughter has no right to expect that you will raise hers. I think being a grandmother who visits often is exactly what grandparents should do. I am constantly amazed by the number of people who have kids and then expect their parents to help.

As someone who has watched a sibling take advantage of both mom and MIL, all I can say is, treat each child the same with respect to time with the grandkids, and don't be a childcare provider if that is not how you want to be a "grandma". There are times when a grandma can step in and "fill in" temporarily, but that's all it should ever be-temporary. Less than 8 weeks would be my cut-off.
Go be with your mom.

I wish the person who wrote the following thead would read your thread:

http://www.mamapedia.com/questions/14274865495974019073

And all the folks who wrote on that thread calling grandparents who don't babysit self-absorbed - it would be nice if they read what you wrote.

Your daughter doesn't really think you're abandoning them. She will be upset because she has lost an easy babysitter and will have to hire someone who she has to pay (or pay more) and someone she doesn't trust as much as you.

But Grammy, she is supposed to be an adult, and you have to make her be an adult. You go do what you need to do, be kind but firm, and tell her to find another caregiver.

Dawn

I'm a grandma too and I have guardianship of one of my grandchildren so I know exactly what you mean. I would have loved to have just been grandma who sees her grandkids a lot, but doesn't have to live with/raise them. I am so glad to find that there is someone else who feels the same way.

Don't get me wrong - I love my granddaughter and truly enjoy having her, but this is not what I had in mind when I was raising my daughter. I wanted her to be married and have a family and raise her children with her husband. But that wasn't to be.

They do take advantage of us in the way they treat us knowing that we will take it because of the grandkids. It makes me so mad because they get us in a position where we think we have no options because of the children.

Yes, she will say you are abandoning them and the guilt trip will start. You have to harden your heart to that and not let it eat you up. They are her children; they are her responsibility and it is for her to figure out how to take care of them.

You need to do what you feel you need to do for yourself. You only have one life and you've spent most of it raising your daughter and now your grandchildren. It is your turn, no matter what your daughter says. She will figure it out when she's grandma!

As a mother who never had help from grandparents except immediately after my kids were born, you've gone above and beyond already. I see grandparents who are unpaid nannies and it astonishes me that people do this to their parents. I'd give your daughter a good amount of notice but then go do what you want. Be with your mom and go relax somewhere! Maybe this will help - did your mother babysit your 2 kids for years full time? If not, you can easily then say to your daughter you've already given her 4 more years than you and the vast majority of people get and you have other things to do now. I will say I'm sad for your grandkids though. Maybe you could do half and half the year in AZ and IN?...

Hopefully your daughter will realize that your not abandoning them - but it's not your job for your life to revolve around them. She chose to have children - she should be able to accept the entire aspect of caring for those children - and finding childcare if you work is part of that. It's great to have grandparents around - but they should be able to feel like "grandparents" and not the main caregiver. You raised your kid(s), it's now time for her to raise hers.

Do what is best for you. You love them but it is time for their mother to be their mother and you be the grandmother with your own life. You also want to see your mom as she is aging and spend quality time with her.

Just let your daughter know that you are leaving to see your mom and spend time with her. You will keep in touch with your daughter but you have some things to take care of in Indiana.

Hugs to you to know when to fold them.

The other S.

PS I hear you loud and clear. You raised your kids now it is their turn. Go run, you have my blessings.

Your daughter was very fortunate you helped her while you could, now the time has come to be with your mother.

I would just make sure to be clear with the timeframe you plan on leaving so she can find a suitable sitter.

She can say whatever she wants, what she should do is thank you for helping her family for the time that you did and give a kiss and hug and be happy that you are now going to spend time with your mom.

It may be hard for you but you have to stand your ground if this is really what you want to do.

Do not allow your daughter or your grandchildren to run your life, it is YOUR life. I LOVE that my MIL is willing to watch my son once a month (standing date night) and then here and there as little things come up, but WE DO NOT think she is a babysitter by any means. She comes by and picks him up to do things when she wants to and she can/has said no when we have asked if she could watch our son - do I love her any less? NO! Infact I think I love her more for setting boundaries and taking such good care of us all. So, again do not allow your daughter to run your life.

You are right, Grammycher! It's about time! It really frustrates me when I see people taking advantage of their parents.

My mom watched my eldest from the time she was six weeks old until she was 3.5. She had promised us she would before we got pregnant. Right after I got married, she starting bugging me to have a baby. I told her we couldn't afford a child yet, and she promised she would babysit. We went ahead and got pregnant, and thank goodness she was able to stick to her promise. She loved every minute of it, and wishes she could have done it longer. I was the one who initiated the end of that situation because I was pregnant with #2. My mom has a chronic illness and I didn't want her to have to drive my eldest to preschool while taking care of my newborn as well. I decided to quit my job and stay home with my kids. She admits she couldn't have taken care of two of them. I never made her feel guilty and we were always so grateful that she helped us by taking care of our daughter for so long.

I've been home for almost 7 years and she often offers to come and babysit so I can go do errands, or go out to lunch with a friend. She comes if I have to take one child to the doctor so that I don't have to haul everyone. And she babysits in the evening maybe 4x a year when my husband and I go out. She always offers and she enjoys it.

She always tells me about her friend's son who calls her 5x a week to babysit his girls. She comes on Saturday mornings so she can watch them while he sleeps in, she takes them almost all summer (while he's off work-he's a teacher) so he can "get things done around the house".

So, don't let your daughter make you feel guilty. They are her children. She chose to have them, and she'll have to figure it out. It's not your responsibility. You need to take time for yourself and enjoy your life.

Best wishes!

Since it sounds like your daughter may not know what she's got until it's gone, I suggest...

...let her know that Great Grandma (your Mom) needs your help and you need to go take care of her. Let her know that you are going to miss her and your grandbabies TERRIBLY and will come visit as often as you can, assure her your daughter that you'll plan any visits *with* her, and tell her with as much notice as you can.

Then go, write, send presents, and let her have her "ah ha" moment. With you respecting that you need to plan your visits around your daughters schedule, you'll be modeling respectful adult interaction between Mom and daughter.

Best of luck to you. My kids are still little, but my step-Mom is a wonderfully respectful and supporttive adult parent to me; I do see her as a role-model (and I'm in my 40s: ). My Mom has her moments but she carefully plans her visits with me (I wish she could come more often too). And I really appreciate their respect and care.

I would love to have them around more, but it might have taken me awhile to appreciate how wonderful that would be if it was something I'd always had.

Of course you are allowed to be a grandma, not a babysitter.

To make the transition easier for your daughter, and for your grandchildren, give "notice." so that she can make alternate care arrangements. I would expect 2+ weeks from outside long term part time help. Because you are family, if you feel generous, you can give her more notice.

If indeed your daughter is disrespectful, and considers you as having abandoned her children, you may, sadly, face retribution, in the form of not being "allowed" to see the kids.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I am so glad I wasn't watched by my grandparents all the time! It made the time we had together so much more fun! We got spoiled because they weren't seeing us everyday or even every week. One set we saw twice a year-the other set about6-8 times a year. It made us kids look forward to seeing grandma and grandpa all the more! If you do move away be sure that your daughter knows how to skype so you can talk to your grandkids often! My husband and I moved 10 hours away from all 3 sets of grandparents and for my kids that was so hard! However after almost a year of weekly phone conversations a lightbulb turned on! Now we skype and talk on the phone! My kids love seeing thier grandparents! Good luck!

How wonderful that they got to have their childcare in the family this long. If it feels like its time to stop this role for you, then it is. Especially when your reasons are to be there for your mother. You are clearly a very selfless person. And yes your ungrateful children may feel the way you described. But thats not a reason to keep babysitting.

My son is almost 4 and for the first time my mom is actually watching him ,, It is TEMPORY I do not feel that my mom should be the primary cargiver. He was kicked out of daycare, and until I can find somone else to watch him she is.

My last daycare gave me a two week notice to move him.

It is time for you to be Grandma not caregiver. You are not wrong or selfish.

SitterCitty.com and care.com are great resources to give her to find adequate care for her kids.

Not sure what she is paying you but I am paying about $400 a week for two (before the one daycare dropped me). Prices vary in different regions.

Good luck.. you are not wrong for wanting your life to yourself..

In my opinion, your aged mother has much greater need for you right now than your adult child. I live 400 miles from my mother, and she comes from time to time for extended weekends and holidays and babysits when in town (IF SHE WANTS TO). Her primary responsibility right now, however, is to help my dad care for his 90 year old mother. I can always hire a babysitter to help me out with my kids, but caring for the elderly can rarely be done as well by outside help as by family.

If your daughter would see taking care of your mom as abandoning, well I don't know what to equate that to.

You are not responsible for being their sitter and that they think that is your purpose is sad. I mean if she thinks you are abandoning then that would clearly show she sees your purpose as sitter.

I wish I had advice all I can say is I feel for you. I can't imagine if my older kids had kids and expected me to raise them for them.

With my first 2, then 3, then 5, then....I thought my children would think I was horrible for not 'being there for them' and that I would be 'abandoning them', etc. after all, I raised a large family of 11 already, how hard could it be for me to babysit my grandchildren, right? One day my oldest daughter stops in to get her 4 children and after a bit of conversation she says, "you know Mom, God brought you into this world as a girl that would grow into a beautiful woman and He gave you the world as your playground, He did not give you, nor anyone else the label of Mom, He gave you the world to be, do, everything you want when you want it. A wise woman told me that. So what do you want?" I grew up that day and became a Grandma. Now they plan visits and I plan return visits. We send cards and letters through the mail. Your children, they will be fine!

I think you shouldn't make it about your daughter at all. approach it from "my mom gave me so much of herself when I was young, now she is getting old and I feel the need to give back to her...I will miss my grand daughters and you immensely, but I need to do this for my mom."

I hope you are being paid for your time! I pay both my mother and my MIL to take turns watching my youngest- 20 mos. Recently, we have entered my baby in daycare, which surprisingly, she absolutely loves. My mom and MIL have phased out to 3 days a week, and at the end of the summer, 2 days. They still want their time with her, so we are going to do that for them. It's all about mutual understanding and good communication to make this transition easier for all.
So, if it's not working for you, just say so. Be upfront, tell her how you feel, and what you want to do. Give her time to make other arrangements. It might be tense for a while, but she'll get over it.

Sounds like you've gotta do what you've gotta do. BUT don't fool yourself. You're going to miss those babies more than anything in the world. :) I most definitely plan on watching my grandbabies when I'm a grammy. I had our daughter a little later in life, so hopefully I will have that opportunity at some point. Best of luck w/ your decision! (P.S. Don't let your daughter treat you that way, ok?)

You already made a horrible mistake by thinking and acting like these are "my babies".

Yes, your daughter will feel and say your abandoning them. In a way you are. Does that make you a bad grandma or a bad mom? NO. At this point in your life you need to be a good daughter.

Do what you in your heart need to do. If your mom in Ohio needs you more than your daughter needs a sitter, then go. If you feel like you need to spend more time reconnecting with your mom, then go.

When you talk to your daughter about this, don't make it about feeling used or disrespected. Take the view of your mom is 78y. You don't say what her health condition is, but even if she's fit as a horse, you never know how many moments and memories you have left.

When my son was born, my Mom watched him for the first year. At the first year mark it became a difficult situation on all of us. My son started the seperation anxiety stuff and Gma became upset because every time she'd pick him up he'd crying. He would think that I was leaving. She also developed some health issues that meant I had to take time off of work. I didn't have a backup sitter. So finally, I approached the subject. 'Mom, I'm thinking about putting C into a public daycare. You have a lot going on right now with Dr. visits, and travelling. I just can't keep taking all this time off. At the same time, I want you to be able to go do the travelling and not have to stay home because of C.
My mom looked me in the eye and said I've been feeling the same way, I just didn't know how to bring it up without hurting your feelings.
So I called around to some centers. Our daycare costs were going to double (we'd been paying her to watch C), BUT, our son would be in a structured settings, with naps, and potty training. They had one opening available. We grabbed it and never looked back.
When my daughter was born, I didn't even consider having a Grandparent by a provider. I needed them for sick days!
Now my kids go to a provider that lives right next to their Grandparents. My daughter is there all day. She thinks its a hoot to see them out and about and call to them over the fence. At the same time, if we are running late, or are having dinner at their house, they can run next door and pick up the kids for us.

It's all about attitude and approach.

When I read the title, I was prepared for something else... No matter what you should go be with your mom.