My 3 year old grandson is a great kid but when he encounters something he doesn't want to do or doesn't like he sticks his tongue out and spits (for lack of a name for it kind of like a raspberry?) sometimes it's ok (maybe even cute) but sometimes it is just rude and then he is asked to stop it .. daddy puts him on time out when he doesn't listen.. and when this happens he sits and cries and hits himself either in the chest or in the face with both hands.. it's really upsetting when he does this and nobody (mom or dad) seems to know why he does it.. i was wondering if any of you mommies or grandmommies would have an idea.. I don't interfere when he is disciplined, i think my son is handling it very well. Hitting has never been something that I did and i don't believe my son does either. I do believe a swat is needed now and then.. especially in a life threatening situation (running in the street) but otherwise generally not.
any ideas would be appreciated : ) thanks!
well i just wanted to say thanks for your thoughts... but first of all I should clarify... the cute thing.. that's with me .. the Nonnie.. i just ignore it.. when it continues when he is being asked to do something then I ask him to stop .. when parents are there and they ask him to stop and he does not that is when he gets the time out... I only get to see him once or twice a month for a weekend since they live an hour away and I want his experience to be a positive one but I do believe in being consistent that wasn't the question.. as one of you said maybe its just a way to get attention.. ? don't know..
You cant treat it as cute sometimes and punishable other times, the poor kid is being tricked into getting in trouble.
A few thoughts:
If adults react as if sometimes a behavior is kind of cute, and other times not allowable, will only encourage that behavior to continue. The mixed messages result in what brain researchers call "intermittent rewards," which are much more powerful than consistent rewards. Even "intermittent" corrections like time-outs are not as powerful. So if you and the parents really want that behavior to stop, you will probably have to choose a response and stick with it. Completely ignoring this form of tiny tantrum should eventually be effective, as it is for most forms of tantrums.
Hitting himself is a common toddler reaction to stress, especially around being told no, stop, don't do that, or around being punished/corrected. It's a way of expressing distress or anger when other expressions are not allowed. My grandson did this sometimes between ages 1.5 – 3. He eventually stopped it when it got absolutely no notice from adults.
It may help to realize that virtually all behaviors can be understood as strategies to meet some need. If parents consider that the child's emotional needs are very real, we can usually help the child find less childish strategies. For example, if the "raspberry" is unacceptable, teach him to use words: "I don't like that;" " I feel upset right now;" "I want to finish what I was doing," and so forth.
Many child behaviorists believe that ideally, the main purpose of time-outs is to give a child a quiet time in which to get his emotions under control. Adults can benefit from the same thing – counting to ten, for example, before they start yelling. We used time-outs as a positive, "take charge" time for my grandson, and he eventually would choose to go to his room for a bit if he was really upset about something. Sometimes we're just not happy with the way things are going, and need a chance to work through our disappointment, anger or frustration.
I'd like to suggest you read my favorite parenting book ever, How to Talk So Kids Will Listen, and Listen So Kids Will Talk, by Faber and Mazlish. It offers practical, doable, real-life techniques for coaching a child to be his best, most creative and empowered self. I began using this with my grandson when he was around 2.5, and we both love the results.
I think he's probably doing it because A) he's really mad and expressing that or B) it's getting him attention and he knows it's upsetting or C) a combination of both.
Ignore it in as much as you all can, because he's not going to cause himself too much, he's a smart boy after all. Time out should start once he's calm, not while he is doing that. The sooner he calms down, the sooner he gets up. Reinforce that.
Also, a consistent rule about the spitting should be enforced one way or the other. If it's OK sometimes and not others that will add to his agrivation because he's confused.
I'm wondering if he might be confused because sometimes the raspberry is "cute" and other times it lands him in time out?
Have you heard that latest research all over the news on the effects of spanking, slapping, popping on the butt, etc. -- the kind that "good" spankers use -- Not good!
Try to be more consistent with the rules & consequences maybe?
You are upset because he hits himself, but you feel it is ok for an adult to swat/hit him?
It is ok some times when he does a raspberry and sticks out his tongue but not other times?
There are too many variables.
Children like rules. They need to know how to behave every time. He is too young to know the difference between the 2 ways that he is experiencing.. It is frustrating him..
From now on, let him know we do not stick our tongues out at anyone, ever, except himself in the mirror..
He is not to hit himself when he is upset or frustrated, instead he may go to his room and hit (let his parents decide) a pillow, stuffed animal.. a punching bag..
We NEVER hit each other.
This child sounds very black and white (very normal for this age). I would not vary into gray areas of behaviors until he is older and has a better understanding of exceptions.
How is time out being done? Is it in a consistent spot? Do they warn him and then tell him why and then leave? Does he get put back if he runs? If he hits himself, is he just having a temper tantrum or is there more going on? It's hard to say if this is just behavior to get a response or if it's indicative of something else. I would ignore the behavior and see if it stops. Kind of like vomiting some kids do to get out of being put to bed. They do it because it works.
Just to throw out there...most parents likely wont agree...but time outs are over-used and dont work because of it. Time outs in my house are for tantrums and over the top emotion times, for them to "take a chill pill" and gather themselves.
My 3 yr old started the tongue then spitting thing as well when she would get told no/get in trouble. Nothing was working so I finally resorted to soap. A single drop of good ol' dish soap on the tongue...and I will tell you that it took 2 times for her to know that I was serious and that this behavoir was NOT acceptable. I haven't had to do it since.
The hitting thing will go away very quickly when NO ONE pays attention to it. Its purely for attention. Good luck : )
He is doing it for attention. When in time out - do NOT give him attention. If he gets up - put him back and DO NOT talk to him.
As long as people SOMETIMES thinks his behavior is funny - he will continue to do it.
As long as he is getting attention for his behavior - he will continue to do it.
What do his parents do CONSISTENTLY with this behavior?
Have they asked what you would do?
Have they asked for your help in dealing with him?
I would tell my son I think he's handling the discipline correctly. That might take some stress off of him.
If your grandson doesn't get attention for his behavior - people think it's cute and consistently gets put in time out for it - I think it will change.
Have the parents asked for your help?
