Time Outs for a 4 Year Old

I read a great book called "Beyond Time Out..." and I can't remember the author off hand, but she goes through the whole time out process step by step with some simple yet effective techniques. The author deals with how to handle when they destroy the room - a special hold. I can't say the process works flawlessly for us, but it has helped I think. Good luck!

If one chooses to use timeouts, (and they are not the only means to win cooperation from a child) it seems to me that the ultimate goal is to help a child learn to control himself, not to be controlled by outside forces (even if the force is a well-intentioned parent).

Ideally, a time-out is NOT PUNISHMENT, and therefore, it's not important that the child sit quietly for the full minute-per-year. It is only important that he realize that he must be in control of his emotions/behavior to continue his play. (Of course, this will take practice. None of us change instantly, and 4-year-olds are known for poor judgment and very little impulse control.)

Once a power struggle ensues – in which a parent repeatedly drags a child back to the time-out spot to start the clock again, the exercise becomes punitive (to both parent and child, actually). The original point of the time-out has been completely lost on the child, and he just feels the whole thing is unfair. So he ramps up his emotions and resistance.

Now it's merely a power struggle, an entirely different dynamic than "Let's give you some time to be in control of yourself/think about how you could have done that better." Instead, it has become, "I need to conquer you." This is really unacceptable news for a spirited child, and unfair, because the child had no possibility of avoiding consequences for parental decisions made on the spot.

So, the ideal time-out gives the child a minute or so to calm down, perhaps realize his behavior was undesirable, so that he can re-set himself and resume his play. And with the ideal time-out, the child is more likely feel protected and assisted in his growing up, not embroiled in a continuing power struggle that leaves bad feelings for him to deal with.

One way to accomplish a 4-minute (or so) time out is to sit beside the child, perhaps while you're shelling the peas or folding the laundry, but being there in affectionate companionship. When the time is up, ask your daughter what she was thinking about. If she doesn't express remorse for whatever the offense was, don't insist she fake those feelings, just tell her that you hope she is learning that the behavior will earn her a timeout if she continues.

Then be consistent. Good luck. It can be a trying age, but my grandson is the same age, and he's figuring this all out.

I think 15 minutes is too long for a 4 year old in time out. 1 hour is downright harsh. She probably will forget why she is in time out after 5 minutes.

Yes, you do have to discipline your child and be consistent. Some kids are tougher than others, but some kids also dig in their heels and act out if you go overboard.

Do yourself a favor and go to the library. Check out all the "Love and Logic" books and follow their advice. It's kind. It makes sense. It sets limits. It guides you and it works!

Your goal is not to create a resentful soldier. Your goal is to create a happy little girl that understands boundaries and good behavior.

watch the nanny!!! Never give up. It may take all day, but NEVER give up!!! It only gives the child more power when you give up. I once battles it out with my kids for 2 hours. He was 3 and never realy had a time out before. My 2 year old is very good about time outs (I learned from the first one)! Good luck!

I agree with Robyn. Look at it as an investment in your future. When you are going to discipline her DON'T give in. You can outlast her! Just keep putting her back to her "spot" over and over until she gives up. Don't let it be her room, you are just allowing her to play or destroy it.

Stay calm! Tell her SHE made a bad choice and that's why she's in timeout. Don't yell or be mean.

Also, consistency is the key. If you put her in timeout for doing something naughty one day and not the next, she'll think you're a pushover. I personally, give a warning first, "That's not nice. If you do it again, you're going on your step." When it happens again, it's immediately to the step. No yelling, threatening or letting it go. Once your daughter KNOWS that you mean business and KNOWS what's coming after a warning, she'll turnaround her behavior.

Do it now while she's young and you'll be glad you did!

There is a book called: "How to talk so kids will listen, and listen so kids will talk" which is very good and good for adults too.
You can get it at any bookstore or online like at Amazon.

You can keep her in her room. If she destroys it, then you get rid of things if she breaks it, or take out things from her room.

Is she being given time-out for actual wrongfulness, or just her being a certain way because she does not understand or is unable to perform a certain way or thing? There is a difference.

Have you tried talking with her about her actions? And the "solutions." And what is acceptable for not?
Time outs, don't work for all kids... nor permanently. Because certain behaviors of kids, are just developmental based sometimes... in which it takes either an older age to understand/perform, or the child is not "able" to do something perfectly, enough. So they get frustrated no matter what.

Or, sometimes a kid is just over-tired (at which time they act out more), or they need a nap, or are hungry. So discern what is triggering her issues.
Then try and solve that.

If kids are put in time out all the time, and for anything under the sun (not saying this is you), they can just get so irked about it... because maybe they are not doing something "naughty" on purpose or willfully.
There were times when my Hubby put my daughter in her room for time-out... and she'd get real angry. I would sit with her... and talk to her about it and why she is there. AND... come to find out, it was my Husband who took her the wrong way... and then just assumed she was being naughty... when she was not. She was just meaning something else... but she was not given the chance to explain nor to tell my Husband the situation. So, I would then take my daughter, to sit down with my Husband and talk about it, and "corrected" my Husband about the whole thing... and then my hubby would apologize. My daughter, rightfully, felt slighted, and said her feelings got hurt.

All the best,
Susan

If you give up after 15 minutes, she will know that she can win because mommy will give up after 15 minutes. If you give up after one hour, she will know that mommy will give up after an hour. If you continue to put her back in time out without any conversation or arguement about it, she will figure it out that no matter how many times she tries to get out it will be pointless because you will put her back. It may take 2 hours the first time, but it will take less and less time each time as loong as you don't ever give in. You have to teach her that you mean what you say. If she's got your number at age 4, you're in for a world of surprise when she becomes a tween.

Nooo do NOT give up. Kids figure things out very quickly and will wait it out EVERY time if they know you will eventually give it. Pick a timeout "spot" and return her there even if you have to do it to the point of exhaustion. She will break eventually even if it seems she won't. This is a power struggle and you are the boss and she needs to know that. I don't recommend locking her in a room because by trashing it like you say she does, she is "in control" of the situation. Don't scream at her, don't reason with her, don't beg. Just tell her she is in time out for 5 minutes, place her there and walk away. When she gets up, repeat that she is in time or don't say anything at all and put her back. You may have to do it 100 times. Literally. It will be tedious but worth it in the end. Good luck mama, hugs to you.

"Will not"? You're the mom! You tell her what she will and will not do...
I do time out for my son for 1 minute times his age. He is 5. He sits where
there is nothing to stare at and nothing to play with. If he moves from his
position, time out starts over... After 5 minutes, I sit next to him at eye level
and ask him why he had to sit here 5 minutes. After he tells me, I ask him
what he will do differently next time to avoid time out. He tells me the solution. I tell him how much I love him and he goes back and plays. If they
are in time out too long. They have a stort attention span. They will forget why they are in time out... It needs to be a lesson learned. If they forget why
they are in time out. It's pointless. When my son was 4, I would stick him in a playpen so he couldn't destroy anything. Good luck and remember: You make the rules, Period!

Maybe time to switch to a different strategy. If time -outs don't seem to do the trick, then take away her favorite thing - toy, stuffed animal she sleeps with, etc. for the whole day. If you threaten with it, you must follow through or your words mean nothing and she will know it. I was in the store yesterday and heard a mom count to 3 to her son about 5 times and never did anything. So, he knows that counting to 3 doesn't have any consequences and he continued with the bad behavior and she continued with the yelling at him....don't be that mom. It's not easy, but you can do it.

It is my understanding that the time out should only be one minute per year that their age is.....so four minutes is her time out. Don't give up....keep putting her back into time out until she stays there. It may take multiple times placing her back, but just do it until she stays.Key word here is to be consistant.When she's done talk about it with her and end with a hug. Best wishes, let us know how it works.

1 minute per age. Have her sing her alphabet twice and count to twenty twice while in time out. (or how many times you want). It makes it go faster and she is learning. If she gets up, start all over. Remember you are the parent! Good luck

Hello! I noticed that you had two different questions posted... one about time outs and one about sleeping in her own room. From what I've read, it sounds like your daughter has a problem with boundaries and respecting you as an adult. Everytime you give in and let her sleep in your room, or you give in and let her out of time out, you are reinforcing that she is right not to obey or respect you. Why should she when she can control the situation? To get this to stop is going to take some very devoted strategies from you. You're going to need to CONTINUE for however long it takes to put her back in time out over and over and over until she sits there and does her four minutes. YOU have to win this battle, even if it takes hours. it's going to be frustrating, but in the long run, this is a discipline issue that will probably just get worse. Same with the bed time thing... You need to continue, over and over and over, put her back in her own bed until she gives up. BEFORE YOU DO! I know it's rough... If you need some more help with this, watch Super Nanny! Her system on these types of behaviors are needed with nearly every family that she works with. These strategies can really help turn a parent/child relationship around! Good luck!

K. - I would recommend the following books: "Don't Make Me Count to Three" and "Shepherding a Child's Heart." They are Christian, but the principles are applicable for non-Christians as well.

I have not found time-outs to be effective for any discipline problem except tantrums.

I haven't read all of the responses, so if this is repetitive, then so be it.

She 4 years old, so of course, a 4 minute time out would be in order. You keep her in her time out until time out is over. If she gets up before time out ends, then the clock starts over. If it takes 15 minutes, an hour or several hours to take the full 4 minute time out, that's what you do. Every time she goes back into time out, you tell her why she's going into time out... "you are going into time out because you threw the doll at the TV. Throwing toys in the house is not acceptable with me, so you need to sit for 4 minutes to understand throwing toys is bad." If you keep telling her why she is going into time out, then she'll know why every time why she is being disciplined... even if it takes 3 hours. When she is done with time out (I use a digital egg timer to let us know when time out ends), sit with her and let her know again what she did was bad, but you still love her (sandwich the bad with the good.) "You are a good girl, but throwing toys in the house is a bad thing. I expect you to gently put the toy down, not throw your toys, and because you are a good girl I know you will try hard to remember and do this..." I usually end it with an "I love you" and a hug. You are the parent; you are in charge and in control. The moment you give up, you give the control to your daughter. And to me, that would be like giving your 4 year old control of the family finances... not going to happen!

Your daughter needs to learn that there are consequences to her actions. It would be better to learn it now rather than later down the road when the consequences are much more harsh and will be enforced by someone else.