My son is 8 and had a stretch of a couple of months in school in March/April where he was getting in trouble for hitting other kids. He was always provoked in some form or fashion and instead of leaving it alone or telling a teacher, he would hit the kid, which resulted in my son getting in trouble. One time another kid called him a bad name, one time a kid grabbed his shirt in the back and was pulling him around, another time a kid pushed him in line, stuff like that. He had consequences at school, such as having to sit out recess and he would also get in trouble at home by losing screen time and I even went old school and made him write sentences that he wouldn't hit other kids. We did role playing with how he could have handled the situation better, we talked about how he needs to walk away if he gets angry, tell a teacher, hold his breath, count to ten, etc. He had a long term sub that he (nor I) particularly cared for while his regular teacher was out on maternity leave and things got much better when his regular teacher was back, so I thought we had dealt with all of this at school.
Now during the summer he is at the YMCA program and got in trouble twice this past week for hitting two kids, separate days. This isn't like school; they call you immediately to come pick him up and have already let me know if it happens again, they are going to start the process to try to kick him out of the program. The first time the kid threw a marker in my son's face and the second time the kid said he was going to punch him in the eye. Every time when I ask why he is not telling a teacher, my son says he forgot. He is quick to want to handle the situation himself. If you ask him after the fact what he should have done, he will have the right answer. It's just in that moment, he is all reaction without thinking. I have just about exhausted all ideas I have to help him. Anything I haven't tried that worked with your kids?
To answer some of the questions, the times at school, I know in those cases my son didn't start it, as from what the teachers said witnessing the situation. At the YMCA, I don't know, as the counselors weren't even sure what had happened until after everything was said and done, so their report was based off of what the two kids said. I'm sure my son is not fully innocent, but what I mean is that he doesn't just walk up to a kid and hit him out of the blue. The head YMCA counselor said she was going to talk to her people about being more attentive and to try to recognize and stop problems before they escalate.
Yes, we have talked about why he does this. He says he can't control his anger and that is a consistent answer every time. That's why I've tried coping techniques. Punishing him at home, even though this happens, is not going to help him deal with the situation while it is happening. I'm looking for ideas to help him in the moment to calm down instead of lashing out.
Sign him up for Martial Arts training. He will learn self control and self esteem. He will also learn how to handle bullies.
I would seek counseling for him. Have someone work with him on controlling his behavior and recognizing triggers and dealing with others more effectively. If this is not just a one-off and he is being bullied, that is also another issue to address. Emotional ABCs is a program you can buy online to augment any professional care.
Your son needs to see a cognitive behavioral therapist. Don't delay. The longer you put it off, the harder it will be to help him.
When kids at our elementary school had impulse control issues the school psychologist worked with them. Has this never been an option for your son? It can be really helpful.
They probably don't have this resource at the summer Y though. Have you talked to his pediatrician? Maybe s/he can give you a referral for some kind of counseling or therapy for him to start NOW, before he goes back to school.
Have you got down to your son's level and talked with him about this?
WHY does he feel the need to HIT instead of walk away or talk??
WHY are children pushing him, etc? HOW IS HE behaving BEFORE these things happen?
I'm sorry - your son is NOT innocent in this. If kids KNOW he's easily pushed? They will push his buttons. He needs to learn self-control. How will he do that? He will learn from you, as his role model. He can learn from others as well - martial arts will teach him a lot about himself. Find a mentor for him and a counselor for him so he can discuss his anger issues...maybe there is something else going on that you are not aware of??
There is more to this than your son "forgetting" to tell the teacher. My gut is saying he's provoking them and he KNOWS what HE did was wrong and doesn't want even MORE trouble.
Good luck!
I would be concerned about getting to the bottom of why other kids are always seeming to provoke him. What exactly is he saying or doing right before they grab him, throw something at him, etc.? My son has had kids try to provoke him and he just tells them to cut it out. He had two boys picking on him earlier this year (kicking him, stomping on his feet) and he would angrily tell them to stop and then eventually he told me and his teacher...I had to talk to the teacher about it and then they did this anti-bullying program in the classroom. They also had the boys apologize to my son and their parents were called. I hate to say it, but if your son is the one who is always doing the hitting/punching then perhaps he should be out of the program. He has to learn that you cannot handle things this way. Does he get consequences at home as well when he does something like this? The time my son hit another kid who was antagonizing him (he was younger...7 maybe?) I gave him two weeks of no playing with neighbor kids and no video games...and we walked right over and he had to apologize. I didn't care if the other kid started it and made him mad...whacking that kid was not acceptable and I was really embarrassed by his behavior. He apologized and was SUPER embarrassed to do so. If this were my son, I would want to talk to the teacher/camp counselors to see how these interactions keep getting started...and get to the bottom of what your son is actually doing or saying to other kids. Because this keeps happening to him I would be suspicious that your son might be the one to provoke other kids or to start something...and hence why they then provoke your son back. He might be acting like he is more innocent than he really is to you, his mom. This might not be the case of course, but it's something to think about. I would try to find out why the kid said he was going to punch him in the eye and why the kid threw a marker at him. If they are simply picking on other kids for no reason then talk more to the camp leaders to try to get to the bottom of this. If your son IS doing provoking then have a serious sit down conversation with him and about how you expect him to treat others and what the consequences are going to be at home the next time this happens. I personally would make him apologize to any kid he treats aggressively and physically hurts. If some kid tells another kid they are going to punch him in the eye or throws a marker...that is not a reason to physically attack.
To Starr - "only child syndrome" is a cop out and not what is going on here. Someone threw a marker at him and you surmise the only reason he got upset is because he's spoiled and only has one parent at home? Come on.
Amanda - I don't have any advice but I will say I feel your pain.
My son is ADHD and has a super short fuse. We are slowly getting it through his head that he HAS to walk away when he gets upset. HAS TO. There is NO other option. If he reacts he gets out of control and whether it's verbal of physical, he ends up in the wrong. So he just has to walk away. He's getting there.
It sounds like your son has become a target because of his short fuse. I'm so sorry. When he was at school/afterschool care/day camp I would tell him he needed to ask the teacher to move him. And keep open communication with the adults so that they know there are issues. If they are aware then when your son asks to be moved they should be smart enough to realize at that point, that he's being messed with. Then he's not "tattling", but he's being proactive and keeping his cool.
Good luck! Poor kid.
Counseling?? One of my sons had this problem in Jr. High but outgrew it within the year. Not sure what happened but he outgrew it. Are you sure he isn't bullied? Is there something else going on with him and he's taking it out on others? I would pursue the counseling thing to see if there is more than what he's telling you.
We had a string of behavior problems with my seven year old for a few weeks this past school year. Our standard punishment is no screen time and no desserts or other treats. That usually works. When that failed to work this time- he actually got another bad note home the very next day after the big talk/punishment imposed- I tried something else out of frustration. I took a trash bag and loaded it up with his toys. I told him that one more bad note meant that he would be taking that trash bag to the curb on trash day. The only way he could earn the toys back were with good notes, one toy per day. That worked. His teacher felt that the visual if the toys in the trash bag was helpful to him. When he might have made a bad choice, he had the image of his toys as trash to stop him. I would have felt awful if he had acted out and lost that bag of toys, but I felt like he needed something extreme to understand that his teachers calling me at work to discuss bad behavior was unacceptable. He had a huge improvement after that.
I have no idea if that would work for you, but maybe worth a try if you are willing to see it through. I feel for you. I know how stressful it was for us. It's so frustrating...you look at them thinking why can you not just behave???? Repeat to yourself: he is not a bad kid, he just made bad choices. Hang in there!!!!
This is a many pronged problem and you should look at attacking from several angles.
He needs to recognize when his temper is going to flare BEFORE he reaches the boiling point. Chances are, his teacher was good at recognizing his early signals and removing the problem. She may not even realize that was what she was doing. Have him recount backward what happened and find the trigger point where things went down hill. Then back up a few step before that, and there is where he needs to walk away, while he is still thinking clearly.
More exercise. Get him physically moving enough that fighting doesn't seem worth it. When my son was having issues fighting with his sisters, I would have him 'take a lap' (run around our rather large block), by the time he got back, he was back in control. Then I had him just run whenever I felt like he hadn't been active enough for the day. The fighting dropped dramatically.
Check his diet. Certain foods can trigger anxiety, depression, and yes even anger issues and adolescents and teens. Sugar, artificial coloring, lactose, even wheat can be a trigger. Clean up his diet and then keep a food diary. See if there are not some constants on days where his temper flares.
It sounds a little like hyperactivity. At the very least, he can't seem to stop himself. The role playing is a good idea, but I doubt it's enough.
I agree with the poster who said to get him in cognitive behavioral therapy. Your ped should be able to find you someone.
If I were you, I'd be all over the Y in holding these other kids' feet to the fire, though. Throwing a marker in a kid's face should be equal to hitting as far as a consequence is concerned. Pulling on his shirt and telling him that he's going to punch him in the eye are almost as bad. It's wrong for the Y to come at YOUR kid and not come at the others. If your child is going to get sent home, I'd be raising a ruckus about the other kids' parents being called for this as well.
Understand that I'm not giving your son an out. What I AM saying is that there need to be consequences for these kids goading your son.
why not read this book with him?
http://www.amazon.com/What-When-Your-Temper-Flares/dp/143...
You could also start a meditative practice with him. there are some good books for kids: http://www.amazon.com/Sitting-Still-Like-Frog-Mindfulness...
Sounds like a self-control thing to me. Teaching him to take a breath and walk away might be the most important thing here.
I have a son who is mostly the opposite of yours in that he does not respond at all to defend himself. He *hates* having to go tell a teacher when some other child is hurting him-- and all of the coaching and encouragement in the world wasn't helping him. He was seeing a counselor at the school between first and second grade because of being a great target for classroom bullies. To be honest, it is hard and heartbreaking to see one's child getting hurt, whatever the reason.
What worked for us in changing some of the dynamics was -- along with upholding disciplinary expectations for school (because our son has his own challenges) -- was creating a concrete goal plan for each day. I will say our son has attention issues and one of the problems was that he did, like your son, forget once the moment was over that he should have told a teacher. This only added to the confusion. So, our goal was that he would consciously spend the day working on *staying away* from the kid who was targeting him. Each day he stayed away from that problem child (because, again, we told him to stay away from the boy but he'd forget once at school)-- each day which was successful, we gave him a small reward.
Some will caution that rewards only temporarily improve behavior. I would say that for some kids, this is a very effective tool in helping them to change their response. My suggestion, as well as talking with him about his feelings and being empathetic, is to make a small goal for each day of "no hitting when I'm angry". Each day he's successful, a small reward is given. For our son, we did a variety of little, fun things ( a prism, small magnet set, small toys for the car, shrinky dink set, nothing was expensive) mixed with privileges (extra 20 minutes of video game time that day) and little 'treat' outings.
Some might see this as a rather indulgent way to change behavior. With my son's attention issues, crafting goals to work toward in small steps is extremely helpful. The situation improved in that he was not hurt by the boy for the rest of the school year.
And yes, if the teachers aren't knowing what's going on, that's a bigger problem to solve; kids need to feel there is a certain level of supervision going on to feel safe, so it's worth checking in to see what they are doing to keep your son safe too.
I am in Plano. I don't think the long term sub contributed to this issue. If the sub had issues with your son, the sub probably communicated that with the lead teacher. As you can tell, I am a sub in Plano as well and will start my 15th year this year. It is something I do because I LOVE the children and it is my mental break where I can recharge because I am usually home running our company. It is a nice break from being CFO all day running numbers, invoicing, managing traffic of our product, etc.
I do not see it as an "only child" issue either. I have a well adjusted only child, now 20. I know there are so many stigma's associated with an only. Most of it I BS. There are plenty of children with siblings who get into trouble as well. My next door neighbor has 3 girls in grades 4, 6, 8 and they come to the side of the house where my office window is and fight. I am not kidding, it looks like some sort of fight you would see on TV because it is so brutal.
NO child is perfect. Maybe some kids see that your son loses control and they do this on purpose because they know what happens. Just a thought.
One thing I strongly suggest is martial arts. Our daughter started martial arts around 8 years old. It is not all about learning to fight, spar, etc. It has much focus on self control, perseverance and more. She started out in a local martial arts school in Plano but I felt they focused more on sparring, etc. We moved her to a private small martial arts studio and it made a world of difference. She achieved her black belt around age 14... I say achieved because you have to watch some of the schools in the area because you don't "earn" the belts... some are simple belt factories. My daughter's black belt test fight was with an adult male. To this day, she has used many of the lessons taught in martial arts to help her through situations.
Another thought is to speak with a counselor and find out where the anger comes from and help him learn to manage it. You are right in that it needs to be fixed and now because if he does this when he is older, he could face legal charges.
I am sorry you are going through this and I truly hope you find a good solution.
You have gotten a variety of good options from many posters below.
I would add:
Does he seem to have difficulty controlling anger when you or other adults say no to him, or discipline him, or ask him to stop doing whatever fun thing he's doing at the moment? In other words -- is the "I can't help it" aspect showing only with his peers but not with you, your significant other/spouse or teachers/counselors? Sounds like that's the case since you say things deteriorated somewhat when his regular teacher left and improved when she returned. But I'd take some time to sit down with your spouse and assess whether this is mostly a peer issue or a larger issue of dealing with stress or "no" with adults as well.
One other thing: Summer will speed by and school will come along very quickly. I would go to the school over the summer--call first to see if and when the school counselor has summer hours--and see the counselor, just you and dad without son for the first visit. Be proactive, and rather than waiting for school to start and doing "wait and see" on whether he has these hitting incidents, go ahead before school starts and give the counselor a heads-up about the issue. The counselor might want to set up weekly visits with him (many counselors like to see some kids for lunch a few times a month just to chat informally, for instance). The counselor could work with him on role-playing and other ways for him to get under control in the heat of the moment.
If the counselor knows in advance that he's had these times of lashing out, the counselor can be prepared to work with him and, importantly, with his teachers next year, if it happens again. Better to go ahead now and get him on the counselor's radar than to bring the counselor in after something happens. Even if he gets over this rough patch soon and matures so he has better control -- it's good to know the school counselor and for the counselor to know your child.
Role play with him.
He possibly has anger issues. Has he ever/could he talk to a therapist?
Google emotion coaching.
Encourage him to learn to express himself using "I feel _______ when you_______."
Teach him to use "I" statements like "I don't like it when you push me!" Or "I want you to stop shoving me!"
ETA: I wasn't "blaming" his behaviors on his being an only child. Only wondering if he had a different perspective on things because he hasn't had to "tell" on a sibling, and hasn't had much practice solving small battles with other kids. I have 6 kids and some had issues in school, others not so much. Some solved problems like they did at home with a sibling - not always a good idea :) but I wouldn't call that "large family syndrome" I recognized that kids act differently with their siblings but sometimes it carried over to school. It isn't a cop out, it is recognizing that different home environments can cause kids to act differently in the outside world.
Let me guess, he is an only child of a one parent household? I'm not being "snarky", just curious if this is the case. Some "only children" struggle with the concept of others being in their space - especially if mom is single and is only sharing her space with the only child.
I don't think you are going to find a "quick fix" for this. Some longer term solutions could be considered, though. Other posters suggested martial arts, which is a good solution for working on concentration and control. You could also investigate having him talk to a therapist just to see if there is an underlying issue that he is angry about that you are unaware of (either someone bullying him, or just general anger issues). Therapists also often teach kids techniques to handle issue they don't feel control over, so that might be very helpful for him. You may also want to talk to the school teachers from last year to get a better handle on the circumstances in which this was happening. Meeting with the school social worker in advance of this school year may also be a good contact point - share your concerns and perhaps discuss having your son meet with him/her before school starts. This may be an option you can use if the same thing is happening in the coming school year as he can meet with him/her right after the event happens and get some feedback on how he could have handled the situation differently (rather than waiting until he gets home - when it is hours past when it happened).
Good luck!
