Tips for Helping 13-Month-old Cope with Separation Anxiety

I will be anxious to see the replies-as we're having the same issue! My 12-month old will soon need to go to daycare. However, he cries the whole time at the church nursery, and that's barely an hour! He's also very clingy to me and shows a lot of stranger anxiety. Between 5-7 mos., he had a babysitter 3 days while I worked, and he LOVED her. No problems at all; unfortunately she moved. Then I had him at a home daycare/preschool with his sister, and he was miserable. Didn't eat, sleep, cried, etc.
Without going into the whole story, now we're going to have to have him in daycare again and I can't imagine that it will go well-we can't afford a babysitter, so it will have to be home daycare or a center. I've never gone through this before as my daughter was the complete opposite-she's adjusted instantly to both places she's been and is very social. I guess it's about temperament. Sorry not to be able to offer any advice; just wanted you to know you're not alone.

Hi H. - I just noticed your post from a while back and thought I would put my 2 cents in--- anyway - we had all the same issues as you and I would encourage you to do what you can now as it only gets worse. Our daughter is 19 months old and we couldn't get her settled in 2 months at her daycare center and finally gave up. I can't imagine how hard it would be now, but I think we will have to wait for the next window of opportunity which people have said is around 3 yrs. I know - it sounds bad - but you either have to stick it out or go with a different plan. Good luck and use your intuition. All the providers told us to stick with it but my heart said that I couldn't keep going with it after 2 months of constant crying!

Try to get him to play with the other kids or find some kind of a toy that they have there that he likes to play with and just show him that it's ok to be there. I use to work in a day care center and some of parents liked at least one of the teachers so that helped all too. That was my kids first time in a daycare too.

Although I don't have any good tips for transitioning, I know from experience as an in-home day care provider specializing in 2-18mo olds that it does take 2-4 weeks for the provider and the child to bond, and get used to each others habits, likes, and routines. But after that happens, the provider truly becomes a second (or third) parental figure to that child, and the child knows, and embraces the differences in the two homes. Good luck!

I do childcare, and just from what you've said, unfortunately the 3 days a week part is probably contributing to the problem greatly. It is drawing out the adjustment period. In my experience it takes a couple-few weeks for them to really settle in, but the kids I have part time, it seems to take up to 2 months! They just go through SO MUCH transition and that is very tramatic to children. Also the fact that he is just starting to learn to be away from you at 13 months is also a big change for him. It is tough because of course you are the best person to care for him being his mom, but you can't always be there. My advice would be to just stick with it. Understand it will take longer than normal because of these factors. I wouldn't call to check on him. Let them call if they think anything out of the ordinary is happening. It all seems out of the ordinary for you, but if you can't stay home with him full time it is inevitible unfortunately.

We went through this sort of thing with our son when trying to put him in a care facility at out health club. Our early childhood teacher suggested bringing him there for just 5 minutes the first day. We'd show up, talk with the teachers there and try to play a little with my son and a teacher (just to let him know that this was an okay place and okay people and to get him occupied with something fun and leave on a good note). Then we'd quickly say goodbye, give him a kiss, and leave. We left only for 5 minutes, so that he would begin to realize we were indeed coming back. We did the 5 minute thing until he was pretty much not crying anymore the whole time. Then, increased to 10. When he wouldn't cry for 10 minutes, we increased to 15. This really worked!!! And though it was a bit tedious in the beginning, it really didn't take that long. I wonder if you could take time out of your day to do this on your days off. Your daycare may charge you, or they may play along for free in the hope that your son will be happier in your absence. If your son is upset the minute you walk in, your first goal may be no crying while at the day care, in which case you'd stay with him and play there for a bit every day off until he is comfortable with that, then try leaving for short periods.
This may seem like a lot, but it worked for us. And every time we go, we still see the same kids being dropped off and crying for a full hour, time after time. It seems that they don't always, "just get used to it". They really need to be taught that this is an okay, even fun, place to be and you will come back for them.
Best of luck!
:) Missy0