To Baptize or Not

Contrary to what some may believe, you do not NEED to be baptized to live eternally with God when you die. You only need to invite him into your heart and your life and live for him. That is why his son was crucified - for us.

The purpose of baptism is to publicly cleanse away your sins and transgressions. It is a more noticable symbol than saying a simple prayer to God in private is.

An innocent (as opposed to those that do things like plot to take down and stab their teachers) child is considered pure and free of those sins and transgressions - as are the mentally and severly physically handicapped.

Baptism should also be a decision that one makes, not at all lightly, and not one that is forced upon them when they have no knowledge or understanding of what they are doing.

I personally feel that no person, not even a parent, has the right to make that choice for someone.

I believe the rule of thumb for when parents absolutely cannot agree on a parenting issue is that the parent who feels most strongly about that issue "wins." It would seem in this case that you have the stronger feelings - he's just avoiding the issue. If he doesn't want to upset his dad, just don't tell him!

I don't understand why some people object so strongly to infant baptism, other than that they don't understand that it is not the same thing as, for instance, baptism in a Baptist church. (Been there, done that, both. No regrets.) A catholic baptism is for welcoming a child into the community and promising to watch over and help her. What could be the harm in that?

In our church we dedicate children to God. This is an open confussion as a parent & congregation that as a church will watch over and help parents if they want help to insure that child will get to instruction they need. There is no contract to raise them in any particuliar faith. I did this with my 3 children & it worked out just fine.
We believe baptisism should be at an age they can choose to do. I know not all faiths believe this, however my best advise is to pray on it and see what the Lord would direct you to do. Your in my prayers.

I know issues like these can be very emotionally charged, and you have already gotten a lot of advice so this will be pretty brief. The more important issue than baptism is whether or not your daughter will be raised to love and follow Jesus. Having her baptized will not make any difference in whether or not she goes to heaven, so don't make any decisions because you think you are harming her for eternity by not baptizing her.

I would talk to your husband about it, and not, as someone else said, just do it whether he likes it or not. That can only cause problems. Try to talk to him about keeping your FIL out of his decisionmaking. If your FIL gets his way this time, just think about what else he is going to stick his nose in over the next 18 years, you know? And tell him how much it means to you. I mean, if she gets baptized and he doesn't believe in it, then it isn't really hurting anything, you know? It's "just water", right? But for you, believing that this is an important sacrament and being denied this for your child, it is a BIG deal. Ask him to do it because it is important to you if for no other reason.

Dear T.,

Being a devout Catholic myself, I always feel sad when I hear of parents in "mixed marriages" struggling to find a way to raise their children in Christ without offending their non-practicing relatives.

If you are truly being called to raise your children Christian, then you should have your children baptised. If you consider yourself a devout Catholic, then you are morally obligated by the tenents of the faith to Baptise your child without delay. The Church does not require that either you or your husband be actively practicing the faith to have your child baptised, but it does require you baptise the child in the Church, and to provide for their catholic education and formation as they grow up. This should alleviate some of the concerns of your husband and father-in-law. They will not need to be involved if they don't wish.

The CAtholic faith is rich with so much tradition. If this is you and your family's heritage, it would be sad to lose this. Before resorting to conversion to another faith or practicing no faith at all to appease others, please pray and discern, and most certainly consult with a priest for guidance in this matter.

It is complicated, but with prayer, patience and the guidance of a good priest, I don't see why you shouldn't be able to pursue a Catholic baptism, with the complete blessing of your husband and his family. I think they just need a better understanding of Catholicism.

***One last note. Many people have referred to baptism as being the child's "official" acceptance of his/her faith.
Baptism is the community's welcoming of that child into the faith, and the parent's promise to raise that child in the Faith. In the Catholic faith, Confirmation at the age of 12 (when the Church deems a child mature enough to make a decision on their own) is the sacrament administered when one is to freely choose on their own to practice the faith.

I have attached a pastoral letter from the Bishop of Sante Fe diocese on this very topic. Perhaps in the interim of talking with a priest, this will help your husband better understand the faith, and why baptism is important. I hope this helps and will keep you in prayer. For further support and information, contact Sonya Goins or Kathy Laird at the Office of Marriage and Family Life at the Archdiocese of ST. Paul and Minneapolis at ###-###-####.

Pastoral Letter on Infant Baptism
Dear Brothers and Sisters in Christ,
I greet you in the name of Jesus Christ, our Savior, who brings us good news for our lives here on earth and calls us to eternal joy in the life to come! I write this pastoral letter to you, dear people, at the request of the pastors of the Archdiocese who are concerned about some pastoral issues related to Baptism.

In Baptism we become sons and daughters of God and members of His holy Church. Through Baptism all our sins are taken away, both original sin and personal sin. The words of Jesus are clear "Amen, Amen, I say to you, unless one is born of water and the spirit, he cannot enter the kingdom of God". (John 3:5) Consequently, since Baptism is necessary for salvation, the Church baptizes not only adults but infants as well.

Infant Baptism
Not many years ago, even the most lax Catholics saw to the prompt Baptism of their children. Now, however, a number of pastors have told me that some Catholic parents see no urgency in having their children baptized. Some of these parents simply have failed to make it a priority. Others have said they want to have the child decide on his or her own whether or not to be baptized and to determine when he or she wants to receive it. In doing this they are neglecting a serious duty they have as parents. Any Catholic parent who delays Baptism for more than a few months may be in danger of serious sin. If the infant is in danger of death, it is to be baptized without any delay, if need be, even by a lay person. (Canon 867)

What good parents would give their children the option of going to school or not going to school? What parents would hesitate to teach their children their own spiritual and ethical values at the earliest age?

Just as citizenship at birth does not take away political freedom at a later age, infant baptism does not take away religious freedom when the child matures. Upon reaching maturity, every person is free to accept or reject Christ but if a person does not first know Him, how can one be free to accept or reject Him?

The baptism of children has been a constant practice of the Church from earliest times. In the Acts of the Apostles (16:15) St. Paul baptizes a devout woman named Lydia near Philippi and her household with her. Later, St. Paul baptizes the jailer with his whole family (Acts 16:33). We believe that Paul baptized the children as well as the adults. Many other scripture passages indicate the same practice.

Parents
The Baptism of infants would be meaningless if there was not a well founded hope of the Christian upbringing of the children. The parents supply the act of faith for their infants until such time as they can profess a mature Christian faith on their own. Therefore the Church insists on the parents making a solemn promise to raise their children Catholic. It is the ministry of the godparents to assist the parents in this duty. At a minimum, this means that the parents will have their children educated in the Catholic faith and receive the Sacraments of Baptism, Penance, Holy Communion, and Confirmation at the proper time.

Pastoral Concerns
I am grateful to our pastors for the ministry they exercise in preparing parents for the baptism of their children. They are responsible for implementing the pastoral norms we follow in the Archdiocese on Baptism and the other Sacraments.

While we must provide the parents with Baptismal classes, the instruction must not be unduly burdensome, should be offered frequently and provision should be made for those who honestly cannot attend the required classes without undue hardship.

All the Catholic faithful who live within the boundaries of our parishes have a right to present their children for Baptism, whether they are registered or not. (However, isn’t this an excellent opportunity to register them?)

The Church requires that the parents make a serious promise to raise the child Catholic. It does not require that the parents themselves be practicing, as ideal as that would be. Baptism and the subsequent formation of the child’s faith often helps those parents return to the practice of their faith. We should presume good will on the part of the parents that seek to have their children baptized and remember the basic principal that when in doubt, we should administer the sacrament.

We should also insist on qualified godparents who are practicing Catholics in accord with Church law and our own Archdiocesan norms.

Conclusion
It is with joy that I see thousands of children in our Archdiocese reborn each year in Baptism and see our Catholic faith, brought to this land over 400 years ago, passed on to the next generation of believers. May God bless the parents who bring their children to Christ! May God reward our hard working pastors who are spiritually shepherding our young people! May we all seek to live out our Baptism as joyful and faithful followers of Jesus!

Most Rev. Michael J. Sheehan

**************

Archbishop of Santa Fe
March 2000

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Baptism is what Jesus told his disciples to do. It allows the holy spirit to come to her. This is not about your father-in-law. He is working like the devil. This is about you and your children and doing the right thing. What does your heart tell you? If they don't believe in what you believe then live and let live. Parents make decisions for children and you need to do the things Jesus would want you to do.

I agree with you in explaining why Dad doesn't attend church if she asks. My husband didn't attend when I was part of the ELCA Lutheran. He didn't believe and no matter how much I expressed the importance of going as a family unit he would not come with me. I changed churches to Missouri Lutheran and he comes with us. I compromised and it was the best thing. Would he attend another church if it was outside Catholic?

If he agreed to raising her Catholic then part of that is doing the things around that, like baptism. Your husband and his family make me mad. I'm sorry. I feel for you.

I'd pray about it like the previous poster and I'd also consider talking to your priest and see if you can do it even if you don't have the support of family. It's important for your childs salvation.

I don't believe in baptizing babies at all. I think all babies are innocent and pure and hold no sins.

I believe in letting it be the child's choice when they are that age of knowing right from wrong etc. usually around 7-10 years of age.

Everyone is writing to you what they think is the "right" thing to do. If you are catholic, then you need to get her baptised. When it comes to getting your husband to "go along with it, " please inform him that this is your moral obligation. Please sit down with your priest and husband and have the priest explain this sacrament to him. You owe it to your daughter.

T., this one is a pretty touchey subject especially since it's religion. The main thing to remember is that despite what your family may think, this is your child and your decisions are the only ones that count (rather like where you choose to send your child to school and why). I am Catholic as well and was married in the Roman Catholic Church. My husband is Methodist but for the past 13 years has preferred to attend the Episcopalian church. We attend one together. Our child who is now 3 yrs old has not yet been baptized. Why? Because I have not yet made the decision as to whether I want him baptized in the Roman Catholic Church or the Episcopalian church. My husband does not care which religion. He only wishes that our child be brought up with some type of spiritual education (unfortunately, my hubby never rec'd any when he was a child). He does say that he would like it if we could wait until our child is old enough to understand that he is being baptized.

Good luck! When my parents or family members or friends ask why he hasn't been baptized yet, I simply say that we haven't made the decision for it to happen. (But perhaps, we've already had to weather touchey subjects like this since my husband, my son and I all have different last names. I kept my last name at marriage and then we chose to give our son a different last name when he was born. (It's neither my hubby or my last name.)My side just thought, "oh well, that's C.." but my husband's family didn't approve and would tell us so. We simply said, "That's what we chose to do. If he wishes to change his name when he gets older, he can do so." and just leave it at that.

T.,

I was baptisted when I was and infant, but we stopped going to church when I was about 11 or so. My older sisters were baptisted and were also Confirmed. My mom was raised in a Catholic home and attended Catholic school I believe through junior high. My husband grew up in a Catholic home and attended a Catholic School.

However, none of my three children are baptised. This is our decision and when the children are older, they can choose to be baptisted if they want to. We don't feel it is right to get them baptisted since we do not practice the faith.
My Mother-in-law attends Sunday mass on her own, as my Father-in-law is not Catholic (his family is Mormon).

With all that being said, I feel you should get your baby girl baptisted if that is what you want. Only thing how do you feel that your husband already lied to the church saying he would raise his children in the Catholic faith and doesn't agree with it? I believe in order to get your daughter baptised you must go through classes with your husband (at least that is what my SIL just did for their son) so not sure if he will do that. So if you can not get him to agree, your only option would be to wait until she is older....

I wasn't much help, but wanted to give input....

I truly feel for you!

My hubby & I got married in the Catholic church and the same thing happened to me.

Both our children were baptized, but only one got confirmed. And neither go to church because their dad doesn't.

You need to do what you feel is right without upsetting your husband. But your hubby needs to make some compromises to and tell him the doctor cut the umbilical cord a long time ago! You are now a family and regardless of what your parents think, you do what's in the best interest of your family.

Many Blessings to you and your family,

If we only knew these things before we fell in love with them and married them! And I knew my guy for 4 years! before we got married. His family was nothing short of being in our business though! One sister in particular!

J.

Teresa,

My families are of mixed religions - Catholics, Lutherans, Methodists, and Jewish. Having watched my sister struggle with the inter-faith problem, my husband and I discussed the religion issue before we were married. Basically, I insisted that any children we had would be baptized and raised Lutheran, period. He had no issue with that because at the time he was pretty ambivalent about religion (he was raised Methodist and Jewish at the same time). He still has no problem with it and in fact attends church occasionally with us.

I did not breathe easy until my youngest son was baptized - especially as he'd been critically ill at birth.

While baptism is not, Confirmation IS a contract with the Church. It's membership in the church and a contract with God. It is not something to be taken lightly - just as baptism should not be treated as "optional". If you're truly Catholic you understand that Baptism was a command of Christ, not a suggestion and it wasn't optional.

From your own message you say you're willing to wait. That means you don't want her baptized because it's a Sacrament and the command of Christ, you're doing it for traditional reasons. Me? I'd be more worried about her eternal soul than what my family or my husband's family thinks.

Your husband doesn't view your religious beliefs as that important or valid because YOU have not been treating them as important as they sound. You're selectively choosing which Church rituals are important to you based on your situation rather than beliefs. Your actions speak louder than your words in this case and your husband sees that.

The only advice I can give you is to tell your family that it's none of their business. Ultimately it's up to you and your husband, not them. When they ask when you're having her baptized just reply "When we're ready" and leave it at that. Eventually they'll stop bothering to ask, though it may be that they're just concerned for her as well and that's why they ask. Maybe it's their gentle reminder that she *should* be baptized according to your faith and they don't understand why you are choosing to ignore the commands of God and compromising your faith in order to keep the peace.

Dear T., I feel sorry for this struggle you are having with your husband. A lot of people can give advice, only you can decide. If it were myself in this situation, I would baptise my baby. I would feel the stress build through the years and a rift between my husband and I may begin...when you hold something so dear in your heart, like your faith, you have to act on what you believe. If getting your daughter baptised means that much to you, you have your answer in your heart. Your husband needs to respect your beliefs. You can respect your father in law by writing him a heart felt letter about what you want for your daughter and why...if he loves your little girl (as I am sure he does), he would want to see her mother content. A lifetime of, "I should have, oh why didn't I", if this is what you believe in you don't want to have regrets...it may appear that we hide regrets, but most often they become known. I would do what I believe. This seems like such a huge decision now...remember you can't please everyone. Follow where your heart will lead you, many blessings, K.

*Maybe remind your husband that your heart led you to him. Love is many things...understanding, although difficult at times, is a huge piece. If he knows this will continue to weigh heavily on you, he should be able to accept, if not wholeheartedly understand.

I think you have already answered your own question! Since baptism and confirmation are NOT essential to salvation just wait until you can reach an agreement or until your daughter can decide herself.
It sounds as if you are getting pressure from your side of the family as well as his dad- they ALL must respect your decision!
Is your hubby mabey feeling left out of the equation of you and your daughter sharing a faith? He may feel that his family is being divided. I know that it is his decision to not attend church and in NO way am I saying that you should stop attending! You DEFINITELY should go:) I just think that sometimes talking through feelings like this can relieve alot of confusion. People have alot of preconceived ideas about denominations and about God Himself that they have a hard time letting go of.
My hubby's grandma is Lutheren and my hubby and his family grew up in the Lutheren church but switched to the non-denominational church I attend( that's where DH and I met). Grandma was so upset (and got upset all over again when we dedicated our son and didn't have him baptized) because she thought it would divide the family. It didn't! We are still a strong family even if we don't share a denomination.
I have no idea if this makes sense to you! It's just a thought!
Sorry for the long post! I do think you are on the right track though! Be blessed!

First of all, realize that all kids, no matter what the "church situation" is at home, will eventually ask questions about religion. I know many couples where either just one of them goes to church, or they each go to a different church.

I was raised Catholic but attend a Lutheran church. My husband was also raised Catholic, but he attends a Catholic church. I laugh that we go our own ways on Sunday mornings. Once in awhile and on holidays we go to each other's church.

Our baby son is getting baptized this month. It was very important to my husband that he be baptized at his Catholic church. I am fine with it--I consider it a compromise. Also, as a practical matter, my Lutheran church will "recognize" my son's baptism at the Catholic church, while the reverse would not be true. If my son decides to continue to worship at a Catholic church, he can now go on to get First Communion and Confirmation without the hassle of arranging his own baptism.

I was baptized Catholic when I was 7, a week before I received my first communion. I was actually kind of humiliated to be so old. I was baptized during a mass and there were kids from my school there. I felt really embarassed.

Ultimately, this is for you and your husband to decide. You need to cut your FIL out of the equation. Tell your husband that all the baptisms and masses in the world won't "bind" your child to the Catholic church. Only your daughter will know what's in her heart, and when she is old enough, she will choose to worship or not.

Children are pure with our without baptism.
I was an RCIA candidate 2 years ago when I officially chose to join the Catholic church. Despite growing up Catholic and Buddhist, neither religions were forced on us so I didn't do all the things that you normally do as children in the Catholic faith but it took me well into adulthood (and only after having children) to make the choice.
You have plenty of time to baptize her. Can you compromise?

If it'll make you more comfortable, then do it (with or without your husband). I go to church every Sunday with my daughter and my hubby doesn't. Our daughter asked me once why Dad doesn't go to church with us and I told her to ask her dad. I know he feels guilty about not going so I think he'll eventually start attending with us, but that is not why I go and why I bring my daughter...I go because it makes me feel good and at night when I'm laying in bed, I am comforted in giving her as much as I can, which includes a faith oriented upbringing. See if he'll support the idea as long as HE doesn't have to be involved in the process...that's ok by me so maybe that'll be a good compromise to get her baptized and going to church with you. (Also, people don't HAVE to be baptized or confirmed to attend or be members of my church, so you might want to look into that at your church and find out what their guidelines are for being future members.)

According to the new testament and the Vatican rules of the Vatican II, catholic baptisms (as similar to the Lutheran faith) are a way of entering a baby or person into the faith community. It doesn't have anything to do with dying anymore like the thought in the older Vatican and Catholicism rules used to read in which if a person dies, they go to Limbo if they are not baptized. All baby’s go to Heaven no matter what, so her soul is protected. But, the Baptism is a promise that the parents make to the church, community and God that they will raise their child in a faith oriented community, church, family and will honor God.

Hope this helps.

While everyone has a right to offer their opinions (which is why you asked), I'm not sure why the ramblings regarding baptism.... unless I misunderstood, you are Catholic and don't need convincing.

I too, am Catholic, and am fortunate to be married to a Catholic. Before I met him, I knew I may have to be open to finding someone who was christian, but not necessarily Catholic- but these issues were always on the forefront. I knew I could never leave the Catholic church... I think that, as you discussed this before your marriage and he agreed to this, it's completely unfair of him to change his mind and backtrack now. Not saying he doesn't have a right to his opinion, but there are certain things that aren't negotiable, especially if he didn't speak up previously. It's completely unfair of him to do this, ESPECIALLY as he doesn't even belong to a particular church or follow a particular faith. It sounds like it's more about your FIL than your husband anyway. It needs to be your choice, and if they don't support it or choose not to attend, that's their decision... but I'd fight for this. Being Catholic, you know the importance of being Baptized....

Good luck

i too married in the catholic church and my husband is not catholic. it was important to my family and me. also, we decided (Before we had kids), that they would be baptized catholic. we also talked (before we were married) about how we would carry out our faiths...we decided we would go to both churches and just celebrate no matter what church we went too...now that we have kids (both baptized catholic) we have FINALLY found a church we both like and has sunday school for our kids.

Baptism for both of my girls was very special. The priest said a prayer for me and my husband so we have the health and ability to take care of our girls...very touching ceremony.

My point...you and your husband need to agree on this without the influence of family. do what you feel is best for your child. Marriage and parenting is all about compromise and sacrifice. If it is important to you, then your husband needs to agree. Also, find a chuch you both like!! (maybe you can find a non-denominational church, like we did, but still go to your catholic church once in a while alone). Everyone needs God on their side and also needs to take time out to thank him for his goodness!

Despite what any one's religious beliefs are, this is something that YOU want and believe strongly in.
Keep the peace in your home:

If your husband's big issue is upsetting his daddy (I'm rolling my eyes), then have your child baptized in a private ceremony involving only the three of you.
You'll feel better (because of your Catholic beliefs...) knowing your child is "saved".
Hubby will feel better because he's basically ambivalent about this subject anyway, and it'll put the whole subject to bed.
The father-in-law will be none the wiser.

Win-win