To Have a Third or not...looking for Advice.

I really wanted a 3rd. I'm a stay at home mom, live on a budget, don't go spending for things I don't need, we have a 2 bdr. condo.
If I was worried about money, I would wait until we could afford a bigger place and have more money but I don't worry about those things. We'll make it work.
We have 3 awesome kids, 6, 3 and 8 months and I wouldn't change it for the world. They don't have to have brand name clothes, have brand new cars, we don't have to go out to eat, we don't have to go to Mexico for vacation. Just live a normal life and give them lots of love and it will work!!!!

I always said I wanted 2 or 3. I couldn't make up my mind about a third. Then found out I was pregnant with my third. Easy pregnancy. My daughter were 3 and 4 throughout the 9 months. My third was born the day before my daughter's 5th birthday. I now have 3 daughters and wouldn't change a thing. I had her in September and just a few weeks ago had my tubes tied. I wouldn't want to change a thing. The older girls love their sister more than anything. It's amazing. Just see what happens. If you're meant to, you will.

There are no real answers. If it is a financial decision....don't do it. You will forever be saying we could afford this if it wasn't for the third child! Give the two you have all the love, attention and lessons they deserve. If you go for a third, make the love make up for the money.

Hi C., this is a difficult decision to be sure! I really think it is a matter of gut and what you are in the processing of doing now is a "gut check" - a good thing!

First, I will say that I NEVER make decisions based soley on money. This has been a rule of mine since I got out of college and actually started making money! It sounds like you already feel that way too, but sometimes it helps to hear it from someone else as well.

That being said, I will tell you why we are sticking with 2 and not going for a 3rd. First and foremost is our age - I am going to turn 38 in October and my husband will turn 41 in November. We just had baby #2 in April, so she is only about 5 months old. For us, timing of baby #3 would just be too late in life.

Also, there are many logisical issues that come into play once you go from 2 to 3. First, we live in a 3-bedroom house - both kids have their own room and we like it that way. We could, of course, accomodate a 3rd child by bunking the 2 girls we have together, but we really don't want to go there. Another issue, vehicles. I currently drive an SUV but a small one. It is perfect for the 4 of us to get around, but there is no room for a 3rd car seat in the back. I'd have to drive a van or a suburban - again, not the end of the world, but not something I prefer to do. Four is just such a nice even number, adding a fifth person to the family will change many other things for us in the future - from things like travel to riding a roller coaster - someone will be left to sit alone. This may all sound silly, but it is really things we have thought about!

We also see ourselves getting life back to "normal" much more quickly than if we had a 3rd. We enjoy our adult time together, which includes adult-only travel a couple times a year. We've put that on hold for the next couple of years for baby #2...if we had a 3rd, it'd be at least 5-6 years before we would be able to do it again. Don't know if we want that. And finally, I think we just feel so blessed to have 2 perfectly healthy children. Not to say that a 3rd wouldn't be perfect too, but there is always a chance, especially at our age, for a baby to be born with a disability. That would dramatically change our lives forever and selfishly, I don't think either of us want that in our lives. I guess you could say we are going to quit while we are ahead.

Anyway, by no means am I suggesting that these are things that do or should matter to you too. Just trying to give you some insight into our thoughts about not going for #3. Even though some of them might sound stupid to other people, they are all a part of our decision. Every person and couple has to do what makes sense for them. Consider EVERY question and review EVERY aspect of life that will change once you add baby #3 as you go through this gut check. It's all a part of reality and that should help you make your decision.

Best of luck!! : )

Tears came to my eyes when I read this. Our number 3 was the best surprise in our lives. Yes, you will be outnumbered. Yes, children are expensive. Yes, your house might be a bit crowded (think 3 kids plus FRIENDS) But it is crazy wonderful.

The third child adds such an exciting dimension and dynamic to your family. The identities of your children change iwith the addition of number three. Growning up, they will form and shift alliances. They will fight with each other and then support each other. They become their own little gang. And when they are nearly grown, as mine are, they will be friends.

Be brave. You will never regret it.

We got a puppy instead of a third baby.

We just realized that we didn't want to mess with a good thing. We're really happy with two, but that doesn't mean we need three.

At two years old, our puppy is still only ten pounds, and the cutest thing ever, so I constantly get my baby fix. :) Without the huge life change.

It sounds silly, but it really worked for our family.

By the way, nice screen name! My sister will see your name and think I'm asking the question. :)

I have two kids right now and I always thought I wanted three, (and still do a little). My husband does not want another child, he said he is 100% certain. My kids are finally getting older, six and four and life is a lot different without a baby around. We've all started going on bike rides together, and can just do more things with them that they really enjoy too. This hit me the other day, that I should enjoy the two kids that I've got and start making the memories that they will have forever. Let's face it, babies are a huge stress, I'm starting to appreciate not dealing with all that. Of course it was all worth it!

I am definitely not trying to discourage you, but I'll share with you why my family will not be having a third child any maybe it might give you a little perspective.

We currently have one child and another on the way. They will be almost 3 years apart - the spacing that I wanted, although I recognize and respect that for some families closer or farther works.

Our house has 3 bedrooms. If we were to add a third within the next four years, that means we have to move to a larger and likely more expensive home. We're floating along financial street rather comfortably right now, I enjoy that money isn't a stressor, but I have a hard time imagining that the housing market will recover by the time we'd want to be moving. We love our current home and are not looking to 'downgrade', and I'm not quite sure we would be able to move into what we want. Throw on top of that the possibility that our oldest child would be in the 2nd or 3rd grade and I really do not want to have him to switch schools and academically/socially start all over.

Also, once all is said and done with my two children, I will have spent 6 years of my life changing diapers. While I fully expected that task and will happily complete that task, I'm not entirely certain that I want to spend nearly a DECADE taking care of small children. I'm a little apprehensive about going through sleep training yet again with this new baby, but knowing that it'll be my last time I can deal with it just fine.

Age is a big factor for my husband and I. While we're not *that* old (35 when this next baby will be born), it just isn't for me to be having more kids around the age of 38/39. While some people are fine with having kids later in life or they had to have them later in life due to some necessity, it's just not something I'm willing to entertain. Pregnancies are not the 'glowing joy' for me like they are for many people; there are many complications I have to deal with that make them almost seem like 9-month medical issues. I just don't think that, for me, it is smart to demand that of my body again.

Career-wise it is also tough. During my 'childbearing years' I am sort of stuck in my position with no chance of advancement while I take FMLA time to adjust to being a new parent. Long-term projects, getting involved in yearly committees - well, that gets really tough when I know I'm going to be taking 6-12 weeks of leave and then knowing that I'm also going to be responsible for picking up my kids from daycare in the evening. Working extra hours or overtime is not an option. Not that my career is more important that my children, but it just becomes difficult to balance the two and I cannot imagine extending my 'limbo' for another several years.

And finally, the money. I would NEVER have kids if I didn't think I could afford them (again, just how I feel; I know others feel differently). Having kids requires spending money on diapers, formula or BF supplies, clothing, doctor visits, child care (if parents work outside the home), and then as they grow older - private school tuition perhaps, sports/activity fees, and the list goes on and on. I know these expenses exist and my husband and I anticipated them. We wanted to make sure that we would be able to give our children every opportunity available - not spoil them and give them everything they want, but not grow up in a household where we are scrimping, pinching, and stressing to make ends meet. I never want to wonder how we're going to make the house payment or wonder how much debt we can run up on the credit card because we can't pay our bills every month. I want my children to see two hard-working parents who are responsible with their money, can live within their means with limits, yet able to provide a comfortable lifestyle. In our family, in my opinion, I think this would push us to our financial limits. And, when families suffer financially, they tend to also be stressed out and children notice that (boy did *I* notice that with my parents...they were always stressed out about money and although they never came right out and said it, money was the huge elephant in the room).

So, as you can see, for us there are several reasons to NOT have a third child. Many of those reasons are very personal and possibly unique to our situation. Again, I'm not discouraging you but just sharing my perspective into our decision-making as to why we are not going to pursue a third.

It's good that you and your partner are discussing this. Maybe set aside some time to really do a "for once and for all" objective conversation where both parties list pros/cons and try to come to a decision. Best wishes to you and your family!

We had a girl and a boy and thought we were done. Then about 4 years ago I started to have those thoughts...should we or shouldn't we. I wanted to make sure of my decision before I even brought up the idea to my husband (who was pretty happy with our family status). One day I read the following statement and that's what made up my mind. All the other thoughts about money, sleep deprivation, schedules didn't matter. " Will you ever regret having another child or would you in the future regret not having another child". When I thought about those words, I knew I would not regret having another one and now we have a great 3 yr. old that I couldn't imagine not having. He is just what our family needed. I only wish that I read that statement several years prior. I would've had #4 by now. Good Luck in whatever choice you make!!!

We were in the exact situation as you are. My husband and I weren't sure and kept going round and round with the idea of a third. My husband (who is a third child) said to me "what if my parents decided to not have me". That sold me 100% and we just found out we're preggers with #3

Someone also once told me that if you aren't sure about being done having kids-then you aren't done. When you're done you know it and there's no doubt. Good luck!

I think that if you are "done" having children, you would just feel and know that you were done and there would be no question about it. Kind of like how you probably "knew" your husband was the one when you married him. I doubt that you would ever regret having another child if it was something you wanted to do. Regardless of how "tight" money is. I know it's a really hard decision because things are really difficult right now, but I know when I think about what is most important to me and what makes me happiest and brings me the most joy it is the people in my life and the memories I have of them.

As long as you and your husband have a good loving relationship there is no "perfect" time for a baby. We have three and it is lot of work, but mine are all close in age. I had all my kids in my late 30's and the youngest when I was 39. Once you have the 3rd it is hard to imagine life without him/her. The most important thing is that you and your husband love eachother and are willing to spread yourselves a little thinner among your children and responsibilities.

you have to keep in mind that although you WANT a baby - your body may not give you one. Even with two children, that does not ensure that you will get pregnant again. Leave yourself enough time "to try" in case there are any issues.

Have you EVER heard of anyone who regretted having all of their children? Of course not.

But I have heard many times of people who wished they'd had more kids. Have another one. My kids were 7 & 4 when my third was born. Most awesome thing ever.

It wasn't until my youngest was 2 years old that I finally KNEW that I didn't want any more. It just settled into me, and I felt inside that we were done. No regrets would haunt me later in life.

If people wait to have kids until they have enough money, then none of us would have kids. When do you ever have enough? Money does not bring us joy, our children do.

If you are thinking about a third, then you are not done (if possible to get pregnant). I have four. After 3 I believe I thought I was done, but obviously not. # 4 came along, and I can say for sure I know I am done. The feelings are there

I was happy with two. Did not want to be pregnant again and miss work again and miss sleep again. Did not want to have to switch to the dreaded minivan. Etc, etc, etc. My husband wanted three (or seven!). I thought about it for a long time, and what suddenly struck me was how different my life would be now if I didn't have my own brother (he was the third)! That did it for me and now we have three kids, 6, 4 and 2. It is neat to know that when they are grownups there will be three of them who share a unique perspective. Just something to think about that no one else has mentioned.

One more thing - making kids share a bedroom is not the end of the world and is probably harder on the parents than the child! Don't we want to teach them about sharing and getting along?

Not sure if we will have enough $$ to fully support all their college expenses, but sure am glad we didn't let that stop us from having #3.

Good luck with your decision!

Go for it!!! No matter the circumstances there will always be a reason to wait...money, health, job, other kids, travel...the problem is that women have only a certain time frame...I am 37 and I am expecting number 3!!! Kids are costly but the rewards far outweigh any of the cons....To have or not to have is a permanent decision. Don't have any regrets!!! Good luck!

Put it in Gods hands. Don't use anything to prevent having a third baby. Then if it happens its meant to be and if it doesn't then you were only suppose to have 2 babies. We are doing the same thing. Its tough because money is a HUGE factor but are you really 100% ready when you have a baby? When time comes all the cons will be washed away with happiness and joy. Good luck with your decision.

if you are considering it that much then you should go for it......if you dont then you will regret it......you will know when you are done but you cant say that right now so more than likely you will regret not having a 3rd down the road when it truely is to late....good luck....just my thoughts......i abolutely knew i was done after my 4th

I was going thru the same decision five years ago ... I was turning 40 and was thinking about it. At that time I had a daughter 5 and a son 4 .... today I have a beautiful soon-to-be 5 -year-old daughter who has the best personality and makes me laugh constantly. Putting that aside, money was also on our minds too but I also didn't want to someday wake up and say ..... why didn't I have that 3rd child. I didn't want any regrets. I went to the doctor first to see if everything was ok since I was older and she said ... go for it!! We decided to try for a few months and if it didn't work out then we'd stop. Of course, you can only make the decision ... but just ask yourself if you'll be ok in the future if you don't try. I say ... at least try and see ... then you'll be happy with yourself.

Good luck!!! Be Happy!!

If you are thinking about it and are able to, do so. We did not have children together although I had some with my first husband. I wanted more desperately and cried and cried. MY husband, the nicest man on earth wanted them to and we didn't have any. I recently had uterine cancer and had a hysterectomy. I discovered that my ovary had worked all those years and cried after that fact. It is possible we could have had a baby. MY heart remains broken about that issue and I'll never be able to have another child. So if it's a when issue, lets put it this way, there is never a moment. And God will take care of you like he has before.
Best wishes!

Believe it or not, our third child was the only one that we actually planned! Our other two kids were 4 and 6 when we decided to have a third. Money didn't play a part in our decision at all. If it did, we wouldn't have had her. I must say that money has to be stretched a little farther now - 5 people at dinner instead of 4. 3 birthdays instead of 2. 3 kids to buy christmas for instead of 2. 3 kids that need school clothes instead of 2. 3 college funds instead of 2, the list goes on and on ...
BUT - it is all worth it. All of the material stuff doesn't even matter to the kids. They don't even realize that they are getting a little less. We are one big happy family of 5 now and I wouldn't change it for the world!
In the end we decided that we had enough LOVE to give to 3 kids and that is what we went for!
Good luck in your decison!

We are going through the same thing right now. Actually my biggest fear is that with my age that something could go wrong with me and/or the baby...may I ask how old you are? Also I am afraid it will detract from the attention I am able to give my two which are 17 mos apart....

Would you still want another if your clock wasn't running out?

How would your life be changed by adding another?

All the best!
J.

Really it comes down to you both have to agree to have another child or not to have another child. No one can really advise you on what route to go because strangers don't really know your whole day to day lives or financial ups and downs. You need to both sit down and decide yes or no and if you can't do that then I would say 2 is your magic number.

First of all please be aware that the third child rocks your world like neither of the previous two could. I don't know how old your older kids are but the third is often harder than the first!

I always knew if I had a daughter she'd be worse than I ever was, and when I got my daughter she was ten times worse! So we knew we were done when she was born (she was the fourth). Of course the powers that be thought it would be funny to get me pregnant again even though I was on birth control and my husband was prepping for a vasectomy. But luckily my fifth and final child was a dream come true and there never was a more perfect happy baby born. I'm happy with the five and I'm glad I'm not having any more!

My husband and I debated this for two years. I am now pregnant with our third. I know we will just find a way to handle all three and make due financially, etc. I finally said let's go for it because I just kept thinking about it. I wanted a third, but then all the fears set in. There just came a point where we said let's do it. It has been the most excting pregnancy so far, because my almost 3 and almost 5 year old are so excited about it. They are both boys. I knew I'd always wonder if what a third kid would be like if I only had two. Something inside just said you have to do it. We are finding out the sex tomorrow! MD

C., I'm sure no expert on MS but have worked in the blindness/visual impairment field for 35 years. Before you subject your body to all of the chemical changes that another pregnancy could potentially cause, you might check with the doctor who monitors your MS and see if the hormonal changes would potentially trigger an episode. Good luck no matter what your decision. Your overall health would be my biggest concern as your kids are young, and you could potentially have some very dificult changes due to the MS.
S.

I'm in a similar situation. My husband is happy with the two kids we already have, but I want a third. In fact, when we got married, we always were in agreement that we would have three or four children. Now that we have two beautiful and healthy kids - a girl, almost 4 years old, and a boy, 13 mo - DH doesn't want to go through another miserable pregnancy (I'm no joy to be around when I'm preggers), more newborn sleep deprivation, and the financial strains that come with another child. He asked me to come up with the pros and cons of having another child. He came up with a huge list of reasons to not have another one. My only response was - but I want another one! But alas, this may just have to be one of those regrets that I learn to live with. I'm sad and angry at the thought that I won't have another baby. Actually, my DH has said that if I really want a third, we'll have a third. But I think it would be too taxing on our marriage, knowing how he feels about it. I do count my blessings that I have a wonderful husband, two beautiful and healthy children, and a roof over our heads. I'm 37, so the time to have another baby would be now. I hope you get responses from others who have been there and done that. I'd love to hear what everyone else has to say too.

I have three children and could not imagine my life without any of them! I always wanted three (or more) - my husband was fine with just one - but I felt that if something (God forbid) happened to one of them, the other two would continue to have a sibling throughout their life. Children form such a wonderful and amazing bond with each other - it just continues to grow through the years!

Money is going to play apart of many of your decisions throughout your married life, but this is one decision that YOU alone will need to make. YOu will make adjustments in your finances, shop wiser, etc. But do ask yourself questions - "Do I want this child"; "Why do I want another child"; "Am I willing to go through the baby stage all over again"; "How will this effect my family"; etc......as this will be one decision - once made - that you will not be able to "return" . If you make a decision - either way - never regret it. As far as knowing when to stop or to add to your family - you "just know" in your heart.

And CONGRATULATIONS!

Well you definitely have to do what feels right for you, and if you have a happy home and happy marriage then bringing a new baby into the world is never a bad thing!! Look at it this way - if you decide to stop at 2, 5 years from now will you regret your decision and wish you would have had another? If you decide to go for it, would you look back 5 years from now and wish you wouldn't have had another kid?? The time is never right. If you want another baby, go for it. I'm pretty sure you won't regret it.

I thought I was done after having two children.
We never had enough money for extra's,etc.
We always talked about a third one,but never agreed a 100% on that subject.
Than, 9 years later ,I was 38, I watched that little baby girl once in a while,the mom had her at age 42,
I knew, I had to have another baby. My husband was on board with it,too.
It was the best pregnancy,birth ( my kids were watching)
The older children are in High school, and my little one just started Kindergarten.
I know when my older children are going of to college soon, I will still have my youngest around.

If you are not to old,just wait a little longer.
Wait for a sign,coming along.
I love having my children apart like that,although sometimes it has it's negatives.
Good luck,with everything

My mother always told me that if you have 2 children it made you a COUPLE WITH 2 KIDS....but with 3 kids you were A FAMILY! She was right. God Bless you with your 3rd child.

Well I'm in sort of the same situation - we are on the fence, though a part of me would really like a third child. And similar to you, I think the cut-off in spacing is probably 4 years. I don't really want them any farther apart than that. What it comes down to for us, is that I feel you shouldn't ever make a decision to have or not have a child based on something that is temporary - like money, or someone's job situation or whatever. Years from now you will not remember whether money was tight for a couple years, or whether you were really busy for a period of time. You will either have a third child or not. So when you think about the future, longer term, I think *that* can help you make the decision. Jobs, money, time - those are temporary. Kids are permanent.

what can i say??? we just had our third baby and we can't be happier... my 2 older kids love her, like really love her.

We think that kids are blessings of course they are a lot of work but it's worth it, also with every child you receive the grace, patience and strenght to raise, love and take care of them.

so if you are thinking about it ,it's because you really want another kid, so let's go for it :)

good luck

First, you will never have "enough" money to have a child. We always wanted 3. But after 9 months of clomid and nothing (I got preggos with my second after 1 month) we figured it wasn't meant to be and we were thrilled to have our daughter and son. Well, 2 months later, I got pregnant. We were so thrilled! She is now almost 7 months old and I could not imagine life without her. I would say go for it!!!! Good luck and glad to hear you are pregnant!!!

Eventually, I would love to have a third! I have two ages 4 and 2, right now. By the time I'd like to have another they will be at least 5 and 3! I just don't feel done yet! I love watching my children grow and develop their personalities. Its completely fascinating and wonderful (and yes some days, crazy.....) but I am definitely looking forward to having another - hopefully - one day in the future. Good luck with your decision. It is tough. Perhaps with some time - the right decision will come to you!

I'm in a similar boat...my husband wants a 3rd, I think I'm happy w/ the 2 we have now. A friend put it this way...as you look at your dinner table when the family is eating, does it feel like something is missing?

Hi C.,

If you've always wanted a third child, then go for it. I consider the three year gap to be good because by the time the baby arrives your three-year-old will be completely potty trained. You don't want to wait too long because then you're kind of out of practice and you have to re-learn everything.

Financials somewhat come into play but what's really important is that your baby comes into a loving and nurturing home. The rest will fall into place on it's own.

I was in the same situation as you. Because we hesitated my boys will have a four and a half year gap. Oh well, all that matters is that he is here.

I hope that my advice is good for something.
Good luck to you in whatever you decide.

I have three and we finally got down to not looking at money, but looking at if you are ready for staying up to hug a baby while it cries, feed, change, challenges of juggling three lives.It may seem like a tough decision but your heart will tell you and if the answer is yes you will figure out the money.

I had a 3year and 2 year old kids. I wanted a 3rd, but my husband didn't (at this time MAYBE in the future) I guess God decided we were to have a 3rd because I ended up pregnant (even with protection). We now have a 2 month old boy and are very happy. My husband has decided that 3 is ok, and mybe eventually 4. For me going from 2 to 3 wasn't as big of a transition as I thought. You would be surprised how much your older children want to help with new baby. We also got lucky with no jelousy issues. As far as money issues, you have to live inside your budget and be able to support another child, however if everyone waited until they were "rich" no one would ever have kids. Somehow for us the money is there, and you always find things you can do without (ie:going out to eat, that one thing you REALLY want, but don't need, etc..)
I don't know if this is helpful at all, but good luck in your decision

Our third child is the cherry on top of the ice cream sundae!

My husband and I went through this too. The one thing that stuck out to me was something my brother and sister-in-law said. They were in the financial position to have another child, so that was not an issue for them. When you have 3 children, with you and your husband, that makes 5. There is always the odd person out. Might not fit in a booth at a restaurant(table for 4). If everyone wants to "ride that ride", someone will have to partner up with a stranger. I'm sure the families out there that are made of 5 do just fine. It was just something that stuck with me. And I knew we couldn't afford to have 4 children total. So we are doing the best we can to give everything we can to the happy, healthy daughter and son that God has blessed us with. Just my two cents and what stuck with me. Good luck and God bless!