To Help or Not to Help.....

My parents have horrible relationships with their siblings and do and say the strangest things to me and my husband at times. I have decided that there (usually) is not a malicious intent, so I try to take the high road and ignore it. I would say (not that this is an excuse) he's a man, he's older, and he's just not used to having to think about these things. If you have a good relationship, enjoy it. He won't be around forever, so try to ignore it.

Without knowing more I hate to judge. . .is there something else going on with him that he is just forgetting about ettiquette? I wouldn't hold it against him more so if you are really close notmally. Maybe just let him know you are bummed that he didn't come and suggest a lunch or dinner together to make up for it?

was it a kids party ? maybe not his cup of tea. My dad would come to a family party but not a party full of three year olds.

Are you kidding? The guy is moving, the third most stressful thing to do in life (behind death and divorce), and you wonder why he doesn't call to ask about your vacation or your three year old's birthday party?

You have a really good relationship, I think you shouldn't sully it by being self-centered and fussing over nothing.

And if anyone ever dares to get mad at me because I didn't take time out of moving all my possessions to ask about their "vacation," it will be the last time I ever talk to them.

Man, mellow out.

hm. a move (which is always stressful), or a party for a child who won't remember it for long and who is more interested in other toddlers and presents than the old folks who are attending.
i know where my focus would be.
he DID call. he did talk to your daughter. he does care.
moms of littles tend to internalize each moment and milestone of their children's lives, to the point where they forget that not everyone is consumed to that degree by their amazing children.
tell your husband what time to be there to help your dad, and have the vacation pictures ready to show when you invite your dad over for dinner next week.
this is seriously not worth the 'huge hole' that you're turning it into.
khairete
S.

Well, Page W. summed it up pretty nicely there. You do look to be the selfish and unreasonable person here.
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Update:
I just read your SWH and now you seem even more like a selfish BRAT than before. The end of your original post thanked us for ALL advice. The next time you just want a bunch of yes men say it!

I haven't read other responses, but here's my question:

If your relationship is really good, why should something like this put a huge hole through it?

I just don't understand. Perhaps he's being selfish. Perhaps he's stressed about the move and wants to prep in advance, get as much settled in before asking for the help on Saturday. I have to tell you, when I move, I get everything done and packed way in advance because I hate to inconvenience people. Anyways, to me he sounds distracted and worried.

Tell me this, though... in your relationship, have you ever been a self-absorbed daughter when you were stressed? I know I have. :) What's more, when my dad gets self-absorbed because of transitions, I just give him some grace. We all go through seasons. This season has bad timing, right? What you are wanting is for him to show some interest in you and your life, and he's consumed with his own at a time of transition, and it's creating some tension.

I would say this: either give him some grace about this and just help him move, or maybe admit that sometimes he's selfish and it just really bugs you. But I think NOT helping him because of this is really, really immature, esp. if your husband has already committed to it. Chances are, too, your husband might not want to get in the middle of this and let your dad down because you are momentarily upset. I know you wanted to share your daughter's birthday and your trip news with him; remember that there will be more birthdays and more trips.

You can choose not to get upset, too. He'll likely be more interested in other things as he gets settled in. Not saying anything about it right now also leaves the door open for a better conversation with him about this after the move, when you feel less upset about it and can give him some constructive advice or talk about your feelings with some objectivity. Then, you can tell him how you felt and he'll likely be less defensive about it, but more able to listen because you both won't be so stressed.

Just my perspective.

Take a really deep breath. I think you are taking this WAAAAYYYY out of proportion. I know this is your only child and his only grandchild. You said you have a good relationship with him. From his perspective, it easily could be said that getting his "home" moved intact from one place to another is a higher priority than a birthday party. He did call and talk to her.

What is the reason for his move? Is he having financial difficulties? Is his health ok? I'm sure that he probably has a deadline to get everything moved without having a payment penalty and he needs to know if he can count on your husband's help. If not, then he needs to get some help from somewhere else ASAP.

Are you absolutely sure that his placing a priority on getting his belongings moved is worth permanent damage to your "really good" relationship? It is very easy to get very wrapped up in the importance of our children, particularly only or first children.... but with time and perspective, you will find that sometimes these things are less than we make them out to be. Her birthday was a big deal for her, on that day. I doubt she is angry that grandpa wasn't there. But in the big scheme of things, it really isn't that big of a deal. My parents have missed many many many many birthdays--and my kids still love them to death. It's about their relationship, not the individual events.

Even with your SWH, I think you need to get over this. The guy has been busy. We all go through phases in life where what would seem like a normal, routine thing to someone else can be an overwhelming process. And while 55 isn't "old," it's older than you've ever been so perhaps the move is mentally and physically more exhausting than you think. I know that 10 and 15 years ago my parents "helped" me move in and out of dorms and apartment and they were 50 & 55 at those times and they were virtually useless.

Be the bigger person and send you husband over to help with the move and hope that when you're older, your children will try to be gracious and understanding even when you disappoint them sometimes, which you will do.

Maybe dad's a little stressed.
WE have moved 7 times and even though I am what you might call "use to it" It still stresses me out completely. I can't even imagine someone asking me to come to a birthday party in the middle of it.
He called his grandbaby. Send your hubby and hopefully his move is a smooth one.
He's got a lot on his mind, it just doesn't happen to be you and the baby this time.

Your daughter's birthday party was a LOT more important to you than it was to him. That's it. Not all grandparents are "in to" being active hands on grand parents. I'm impressed that he even called! My father in law never would have done that. I mean he loved his grandkids but it was always grandma who made the effort to show up and send cards, buy gifts, etc.
He is a grown man with a life of his own and I think you need to accept the fact that your daughter isn't the center of his universe. And if you have a great relationship then I don't understand why you are SO upset?

He is moving.
There are time-lines. Not his choice.
It is busy.
He did call your daughter.

A 3 year old, will not be bothered by it. Nor not for long.

Unless, is he usually like this- ignoring your daughter? If so, that is another issue.
But he did call.

The celebration, is a celebration whether Grandpa is there or not.
And it is not him, that will ruin it or not.

Just have your Husband help.
Grandpa is obviously all busy and stressed by the move.
Is he elderly????
If so, then he does need, help moving... per just having a younger stronger body there to carry stuff back and forth. Like your Husband.

It is very hard, for one person, to move by themselves.

I would not be all salty at him.
Moving, is an exception.
Also, be aware of what expectations you have of him... as a Grandpa and per his age/mobility level/health issues if any, and his general ability... to 'fulfill' what you expect of him... as a Grandpa.

People, do not always fulfill... others nor even know what their expectations are. And even if there are expectations on someone else... that does not mean, they have to live or be like that...what others want them to be.

Me, my kids only have a Grandma. She is a busy woman. She is there for my kids as she can, and her schedule and level of energy etc.. She is elderly.

So, you can't celebrate the birthday with him after the move? It's one day. Why take this so personally?

Obviously he's preoccupied with the move - otherwise I think he would have been there for the birthday and asked you about vacation.

If it were me, I'd let it go and send husband to help. You only have one dad.

GIven your What Happened, I can see you being miffed. So put it in context - is he always kind of neglectful and self centered? If not, then even though 55 isn't old and he has lots of help, maybe he's not dealing with this move well. You could ask him "are you really stressed over this? You haven't even asked about our vacation. And you missed grand daughter's party. That's not like you." See what he says. If he usually is a bit neglectful etc, then I guess no changing him now and take him like he is or not... But since you have a good relationship with him, just ask what's going on. Maybe he really is not himself these days.

Please take a deep breath and cool down. If you and your father have the "really good relationship" you say you have, why is this making you so very angry?

Moving is stressful. I'm assuming he's older. Combine the two and you have greater stress. Maybe he had to meet a deadline to get out of one place or into another. Maybe he is worried about affording the move. Maybe he doesn't want to leave his home and is grieving the loss of the place he has been living. That would make anyone preoccupied. Maybe he just doesn't get that kids as young as just-turning-three really even care that it's their birthday -- frankly, the older generation did not make as huge a deal of little-kid birthdays as parents do today, and he may not see why a party full of three-year-olds (assuming it was a kids' party) would be someplace you'd expect him, and an event you'd be angry he missed. Why is the one party on the one day so very vital, if he spends other time with your child?

Give him a break at what is surely a stressful time. Why should this put "a huge hole" into your "good" relationship? Is this really because you're upset about other things, or you think he overall doesn't pay enough attention to your child, or to you? See if you can calmly ask yourself that. Read your own post as if you were reading someone else's and look between the lines. Maybe grandad was focused on himself; but if he's not normally like that, why be this angry, unless something else is really behind the anger?

Not worth getting nuts over. Let your husband help him. In the scheme
of life, this is not a biggie. He did call. Now it it was her first birthday, I
might be upset. Was this a kiddie party or an adult type party with aunts,
uncles etc. Family is too important to let something like a birthday party
come between you and your dad. Trust me, if you "tell him off" you will
regret it.

You're going to have so many other parties for your daughter in the future, why would you consider your otherwise good relationship harmed by this one incident? I understand that your feelings are hurt that he didn't attend the party. I understand that you feel your daughter's party was more important than his moving to a new home. I also understand that you think asking about your vacation is more important than his requesting help on his move.

But I think you're blowing this all way out of proportion. Sometimes what we find to be dramatically important and the center of our world isn't as important to other people, especially if they have important things going on in their lives too. Sometimes our expectations of people are just too high for what they're able to give us at certain times, and it's not their fault. It's just how it is based on circumstances. That doesn't make either of you wrong. I don't think he's a bad guy here, but I'm also not saying you don't have a right to feel what you feel.

Other than this one incident, is he otherwise a good grandfather? Is he usually interested in you and your family? Is he present in your lives? If this is out of character for him I would give him a pass. He's probably very stressed out trying to get things moved by a certain closing date and it's not easy getting all of that stuff handled. There are lawyers, papers to be signed, realtors to meet with, banking, plus the physical move and turning over keys... dealing with utilities and making phone calls about shutting them off in the old place and turning them on in the new one. There's not a lot of room in your head for other things, especially if he's still working.

I'm really sorry to hear about your disappointment. You are totally invested in your daughter having a spectacular experience on her BD. Other people (even family), maybe not so much.

No matter what you call them or how you explain them, blame, resentment and revenge are generally destructive to a good relationship. How about letting your feelings cool for awhile and then consider whether further action is warranted?

You may not be doing this, but just in case: I'd personally be careful not lay my own disappointments about how the day went on my child. You want her to grow up happy, and keeping personal expectations on a leash is a great way to help cultivate happiness.

I have no idea how old your dad is, but speaking as an older woman, I began noticing in my 40's that I had less resilience, less strength, less energy, and a poorer memory than in my younger years. Less ability to organize my time, and less confidence. The decline has been steady, and sometimes alarming, in the past 20 years. And yet I'm told I look younger than 63. Your dad might simply be showing signs of aging, and is focusing more of his personal resources on his own needs.

That's not easy for you, of course, but it may be time to reconsider some of your expectations about what/who he should be. If you fight with reality, reality wins every time.

Let it go. Send your hubby over to help. Your daughter will not remember when she is older. I bet he probably did not think it was such a big deal because she is still so little. Maybe in time you can calmly talk with him about it and let him know you were not happy that he did not come.

I would say that this move must be stressing him out way more than you can imagine for some reason. Sounds like his every thought is concentrated on this move. Is it a traumatic for him? Is he leaving a beloved home? I bet once he's nicely settled, he'll pay more attention to you and his grandchild...or has he always been the center of his universe? In which case, he won't change and you'll have to deal with it or stay angry with him. If your relationship is basically good, give him a pass on this one, get him moved to his new place, then take it from there.

I would let it go. He should have come to the party, but obviously he had other things going on in his life that he felt he needed to tend to. Why cause a war out of a missed party the child will not remember?

Is there more to the story? Did he HAVE to have his stuff moved by a certain day/time?

Does he have anyone else who can help him?

I know your feelings are hurt (mine would be too!) but you can't make someone be someone they are not. Good or bad. That's how it is. And two wrongs don't make a right. Rarely is intentionally hurting someone else the "right" decision...but only you know your dad and his circumstances.

Sounds like your Dad has a lot on his plate and is not himself. Look at it this way, would you talk to him about this now or would you wait until he is moved in? If you would wait, then you are admitting that he has too much on his plate to discuss this and you would be right. See what happens after the move. If you guys are normally close, cut him some slack. :) It sounds like he has a lot of financial concerns on his plate and that can be more than overwhelming.

Good luck.
N.

Well, each family is different in how they celebrate, but you may need to adjust your expectations.

My Dad would never even remember what day was my daughter's birthday. I've never invited him, or any of my family, to her birthday parties. But I certainly would help him to move.

Tell your dad how bad he upset you and let him know your expectations next time. Then, send your husband to help him. :)

I wish my dad remembered MY birthday let alone his two and only grandkids.

I had a wonderful relationship with my dad until he remarried....typical step mother horror story.

Be happy with what you have, and that you and the kids actually HAVE a relationship with him.

Life is too short to be angry over something so trivial.

You never know what tomorrow will bring, and I am sure your father isn't getting any younger.

Give him a hug the next time you see him.

I have the most selfish mother-in-law in the world. She is only there when she finds the time and complains if things are not her way. I understand its our only and she just is a grandmother when she wants to be. If this is the only time he is selfish let it go. But if he does it all the time I wouldn't maybe its just been a hard time for him.

Has he done this type of thing before? You say that you and he have a really good relationship. Does he know that you are upset about him not attending the party? Have you told him you're upset and he didn't apologize, or was insincere in his apology? Without knowing him, I'd say he was/is preoccupied with moving and feels like he covered his bases by calling your daughter to wish her a happy birthday. You seem upset that he only talked to her for 2 minutes, but honestly, what do you say to a 3 yr old on the phone that takes longer than 2 minutes? I'm sorry that you are upset with your dad, but if he is generally a great grandpa and a great dad, then just let this one go. You should definitely tell him that your feelings were hurt that he didn't come to the party, if you haven't already. As far as him not asking about your vacation, again, I don't know him, but the reason for his call was to ensure your husband could still help with the move. I'm sure that he cares about your vacation and intends to catch up with you about it later on, when everything is settled. I hope that you are able to address this and make things right again between you and your dad. Don't let your frustration at this keep building, or you may end up saying or doing something you will regret. Good luck!

maybe since you have a good relationship, you could have your husband go help him. During the time he is helping, maybe he can comment that we sure missed you at the party. Then maybe your husband can tell him that you guys were upset that he didn't show up. I wouldn't have him get into an argument about it tho, because it won't do any good. We have had many upsets throughout the years as well, and stating your opinion is good but if you go too far it just puts a wedge between you guys. Maybe your dad feels that since you have a good relationship that you would understand his needing to move.

I have not read your responses but I read your request and the so what happened part. From the so what happened part it seems you want people to side with you, of course, your feelings are hurt and you are feeling rejection from your father, you want to feel accepted. I totally get it. My brother missed my daughters first birthday party because he wanted to hang out with his girlfriend who was also invited. BTW, my brother is 30 years old. It totally hurt me, I went off on him, and I was mad at my dad for covering it up. I had to let it go, b/c I want a relationship with my brother but had to let him know that I was also hurt. I think it is important to say how you are feeling, but know you still may not get the response you want in return from your dad, like an apology. Go into this calm, and let yourself to him you were/ are hurt, no yelling (my mistake) and talk through it, so hopefully he will understand how important it is to you and not do something like this again. Also, I noticed you mentioned your dad and not your mom as part of the situation too. My mom passed away 18 months ago, and my dad is so different b/c of that. I feel like my mom was the one who 'kept us all together' and I need to accept what my dad is going through, I am going through and what my brother is going through. I am not sure if that is part of your situation too. Families are hard. They bring us so much joy and sadness too. One thing I had to let go is that I can not control what others do, and I can only let them know (calmly) if they hurt my feelings, deal with it, and move forward. If you keep it bottled up, things may get worse. Good luck with everything. I hope he can be there for you in the future to celebrate your beautiful family.

No don't tell him off or play that tit for tat passive aggressive game. But if you feel the need, call him up and tell him you are hurt. Some people are very sentimental about parties, anniverssaries and such, and others just aren't (esspecially men). I think it would be good for him to know that you are so he makes sure not to miss another one. Also, realize that anger usually masks the underlying emotion-fear. What are you afraid of? That he does not love his granddaughter as much as you hoped? Figure out what you are afraid of, and then deal with him with a more honest understanding of what you need from him and what you fear instead of biting his head off, or keeping your husband from helping, which will likely only make things worse.

Why not just try and talk to him? If you have a good relationship, you should be able to say, "Gee Dad, I know you have a lot on your plate with the move but I was really hurt that you didn't come to our daughters' birthday party, even if it was just for a piece of cake." Then let him respond. You have to be careful to say what has bothered you the most because if you go off on a tangent about all the minor things that have completely angered you in the meantime, you could have a big explosion, and that is probably not productive and may just make him defensive. It sounds like he is clueless right now because he is caught up in his move. Sometimes it takes someone pointing it out to you to recognize it. From your perspective, it's hard not to just go off because your hurt and angry (totally understandable, especially when it's your child) but I think you will have a much more productive conversation with him if you can say what you feel in a calm manner. What helps me is to ask myself, "If I was on the receiving end of the conversation, how would I want someone to present it to me?" Hopefully that helps. Good luck.

My father didn't even call my daughter - his only granddaughter, on her birthday, it totally pisses me off. He is 63, so not old, like your dad, and retired, he has NO EXCUSE.
I don't know what to say, I am sure your Dad loves you and your daughter, but like mine, is a bit stupid on the etiquette side of life - thinks mainly of himself, and forgets stuff unless he is confronted with it every day.
I have to let it go, you have to let it go, otherwise it eats us up, I have had to just focus on who DOES call, who DOES come, who DOES give a toss.

.

It is certainly off-putting when a family member starts a pattern of only calling when they need something. I feel you should address this directly with your father. There's no harm in saying, "Dad, the past few times you've called - it's only because you've needed something. How about asking after your children or grandchild. That would be nice." As for retaliating with not helping, try to remember the "Two wrongs..." adage. Sometimes being the bigger person doesn't feel good during the moment - but you'll be proud of how you handled the situation later on down the road.

If there is a trend of ignoring the Grandchild and you then I'd say sorry find your own help, but if he is good at having a relationship with you and your family and child then I'd ask him what else is going on. Is he stressed about "this" move, does he have to move, is he having money issues, is there a health issue that he is not letting you in on?

I just ask these questions because you say you have a good relationship with him. If this is a sudden change in behavior. Be direct and ask if he is okay. I understand you are hurt by a child's 3rd birthday seemingly going by unoticed but is he severely distracted? I have a great relationship with my parents and if we go away, unless they had to take a role in caring for something while we are gone, my parents rarely go after info on the family trip unless it comes up in casual conversation. They care for my kids while I work and we both help out each other all the time. Occasionally Birthdays, Anniversaries are put on the back burner when there is stress...this is when family understands something is up and the other person may need the care that we "want" back from them. I wouldn't let one(I know it is your only child's birthday) incident put a gap in the relationship as that is how things start and the hole just gets bigger when not addressed.

If he doesn't seem to want to talk, just let him know you are there for him if something is up. As we age things happen, situations hit us differently, stress hits harder as we think we should be at a certain level of comfort and security and if he is not there maybe a realization of this. If there is a health issue he may need someone to reach out if he feels he can't. Give him the benefit if he is normally a good guy.

To be honest I would have handled it differently. I would have called him and said something like this:

"Hey, your little granddaughter is really missing her papa today. How about I come over for an hour or two tomorrow and help you pack up some stuff and move it to the new place. Then you can take a break for an hour and come to her party. She is really missing you." If he declined then he really isn't in to little girl birthday parties. Not everyone is going to be.

When I am trying to move to a new place I am preoccupied with trying to get stuff moved so that the people helping me have less to do. If your husband told him he'd help him and that he could count on him then the dad was right to call and say he was ready for the help.

If this is really something that has you this upset then I wonder if there is really something more behind the anger. Something that has built up over time. I think talking to your husband about this and seeing if he has a different perspective may help you get more of one for yourself.

I can understand your dilemma. I have my own problems with my dysfunctional family. Anyway, since you normally have a good relationship with your father, I would tell him how you feel, but still help him move. He should know that what he did was hurtful. But again, since you are normally close with him, I don't think that you want that relationship ruined. Also, even though he is not "old", sometimes their generation has issues with priorities. Good luck.

i thiink you have the right to be upset but i am sure he isnt trying to hurt anyone. he seems to be acting like a preoccupied man. not sure why hes moving, maybe he feels helpless about having to ask for help. who knows. if you guys have a good relationship let it be. maybe after the move and it all settles down tell him you were hurt taht he didnt come see her for her Bday. wouldnt get too upset over it!

Nope, I'm going to say let it be. He's just not thinking. He clearly has a lot going on his life and is probably stressed by the move more than you know (or now you do!). I personally would still say it sucks but your daughter is too young to let it affect her much and his current selfishness shouldn't spell an end to what seems like a good relationship. Good luck!

Take your DAD out and put my MOM in there. Same self-centered stuff.

I'm not looking for $$ or a LOT of attention but some acknowledgement. I had some minor surgery today- not a phone call, no email, NOTHING. I know it won't happen if it hasn't by now. It's almost 7pm--her BEDTIME!