To Hold or Not to Hold a Child Back a Grade?

I used to tutor high school kids who had been advanced to the next grade whether they had met the previous year's academic requirements or not.

I didn't get the success stories, and there could be many, but I worked with those who had definitely been harmed by the practice. They had built further academic development on a shakey foundation, or in one case, no foundation at all. (The poor boy was very bright and had somehow managed to fake "reading" when he could scarcely sound out 3-letter words by high school.) They had come to see themselves as hopeless failures, and in some cases, behaved in dysfunctional and distracting ways, based on their low self images.

Kids just starting school don't have issues about when they start (though their parents might). They are generally most happy and confident if they are with a group of roughly the same social and academic level. I think your instincts are good, and I deeply admire the wisdom of parents who are more interested in their children's welfare than the opinions of the neighbors. Go, mommy, go!

i myself was put into the same situation as a child, im gratefull for my parents holding me back a year. it gave me more focus and ability to get school work done. plus if she starts to get ahead of the class the teachers will bump her up a year in school. i was held back in kindergarten then they pushed me forward around fifth grade because my english grades were far above average in my class. so its really up to you. if you trust the teachers advice i say go with it. it couldnt hurt since she is acting out. i did the same thing and am glad for my parents holding me back.

I taught kindergarten for 10 years before having my own children and staying home. You will never be sorry by holding back a younger immature child in kindergarten, I promise! They tend to strive harder the 2nd time around, they will be the oldest, more mature all the way around. I say hold her back for sure!

Go with your feelings! You know whats best for your child.

You know her best. In the end what is best for your daughter? Trust your instincts with this one.

To me kindergarten is about 50% play and 50% sitting at a desk doing school work. If it were me I think I would move her up and see how she does in the different environment of 1st grade. If she doesn't catch on and start being able to focus better then have a plan ready to get tutors or spending more time with her on homework.

My grandson was held back in Kindergarten and by 2nd grade he had matured and needed to be with kids his own age and it was horrible for him because he was bigger, at times nearly a foot taller than his classmates. He is in Jr. high now and begs all the time for us to put him in the next grade up. He would have to go to Summer school and work very hard to catch up at this point. So, that is why I say try her out in 1st, plus it is only February. Fall semester is 7 months away. She is going to mature a lot in that time frame. You can always change your mind to hold her back but it is is very difficult to move them back up.

I think you should trust your gut. I have friends who have held their kids back because of late bdays and they never thought twice about it. I have friends who have held their children back in 1st, 2nd and even 3rd grade. All three mothers said it was the best choice they ever made for their children. The kids fit in so much better with the adjusted grade. I also know a mother who was unsure of herself and couldn't make a decision about her son. Every year she thought about it but worried about the social stigma and his friends. By 4th and 5th grade she felt she had waited too long and that it was too late. He's in 7th grade. Not sure how he's doing academically, but he's always struggled and had to have tutoring and attend summer school. If there are legitimate concerns, I think holding the child back just makes everyone's lives so much easier. There is a chance that she'll mature enough by the end of May but I think you already know what you want to do. Trust me, social life for girls can be very tough. I would hate to think that kids might continue to shy away from her because her maturity level doesn't match theirs. The effects of girls and their bullying ways are not to be taken lightly. Oh, if there's more than on K class, you might want to have your daughter put in with a different teacher so it feels like a change and/or progression. Best wishes!

There are advantages and disadvantages to holding August b-days back, I know from a first hand experience. I have an August 21st b-day and I was also a couple of weeks early. My parents decided to hold me back from going into kindergarten until I turned 6, I just wasn't ready to sit down and learn. Things went very well for me in school, I always had high grades and was in the GT classes. Things started being more troublesome in High School though for me. I started relating to the classes ahead of me since they were more 'my age' and when it came time for my senior year, it made it very difficult. I did still have friends in my grade, but my boyfriend was in college already for 2 years (He is only 1 year old than me). I ended up getting 'senioritis' from day one of my senior year. I turned 18 3 days after classes started. I ended up not going to classes, and then eventually dropped out 2 months before graduation because I wasn't going to have enough credits to graduate. I did go on to get my diploma at the alternate learning high school (this was my plan all along when I decided to drop out). I ended up moving in with my boyfriend, and we got engaged, then got pregnant, and now we are married. I am not saying this will happen to your child, but it is what happened to me. Read my sisters story (below) and things were very different for her

My sister who also had an August b-day went straight into kindergarten when she turned 5, but when she was in 4th grade she started getting bored with school and stopped doing her homework. We also moved from Iowa to Texas the summer after her 4th grade year and my parents decided it was best to have her repeat the 4th grade in Texas. She graduated almost (or maybe in) the top 10% of her highschool. She then went on to TAMU and graduated with a double major in Genetics and Bio-Chemistry magna cum laude, and is now going to grad school at Johns Hopkins on a full scholarship and she is given 25K a year for living expenses. She has plans to become a virologist and work at the CDC.

It is really different for every child that you hold back. Sorry if this didn't help much

HI Mother of One,

Parent Coach J. B here. It sounds like you've gotten a lot of good advice from your DDs teacher and other Mamapedia Moms. Your instincts and observations are important as a parent because you are on the "front lines". As your DD grows, you will learn to trust them more - they can be a big help. Most everything seems to be pointing one direction and you know what that is.

Here is my response to a similar question posed by Sheila a few days ago:

Hi Sheila,

First of all, don't panic! Calendar age is just a number - kids develop in different areas at different rates. Your daughter just might need a bit more time to learn the social and behavioral pieces of the school puzzle, which can be challenging to master in just one year. If you and the school staff think she needs a bit longer to be ready for first grade, then take action. You might see if you can offer her a year at a different location to keep her from feeling like she is "repeating" kindergarten.

Our very bright second son was an August baby and was going to be one of the oldest or youngest in his grade depending on which year he entered 1st Grade. After considering what fit him best at the time, we chose to give him an additional year to mature. He has been happy and successful - top of his class ever since.

Good luck!
Parent Coach J. B

I certainly sympathize with you! Our 3rd, a girl, has an August birthday, and even though she probably could have started out when she just turned 5, we waited with her - and it has been fine. As we were considering what to do, we spoke with many who had not waited - and they shared lots of stories of always being the youngest in the class, and the accompanying stigma of being the last to get to drive, wear makeup, start dating, among all their friends - and feeling the lesser for it. And among the men we asked, they said they felt like they never were really at the same place with the rest of their classmates - because some of them were almost a whole year older and had so much more awareness of what was going on. The other issue is follower/leader - as the older child in the class, perhaps your child will be more inclined to be looked at as the leader instead of being a follower, and develop those leadership qualities, just because the other kids will look up to her for being older. Our final consideration was the 'going off to college' thought - we didn't want her to turn 18 one day and drive off to college the next. She is our last and we really just wanted to have one more year of her home before launching out into the world.

These were some of our considerations - hth!
A.

I have three children and held the first two back. From my experience and from other parents I know you will regret NOT holding back but you will NEVER regret holding them back. I never regret one day that I held my first two children back, there are too many positives to list them all, but if you have even one inclination she needs to mature and repeat then don't let society or anyone else tell you different. Go with your motherly instinct..that's what God gave it for!! Best wishes!

I personnaly repeated kindergarden, but not for the resons you are stating. My birthday is in March, so I was a bit older when I started kindergarden. We switched schools systems 1/2 way through the school year and the things the kids learned in the 2nd district was way ahead of what I was learning in the first. I was so far behind I couldn't learn fast enough to cautch up. My second year of kindergarden I went to both the morning & afternoon kindergarden classes... I still had issues picking up on some stuff, so they thought teaching it to me twice would help. In 3rd grade they figure out why I had issues with picking this up - I have Dyslexia. Once they figured that out the school was able to help me more.

I will say some kids made fun of me because I went to kindergarden twice, but that stopped as we got a little older. I also notice kids did this to a boy that skipped a grade by testing out of it. Kids can be mean.

Anyways... kids can be destracted. Some of the inmaturity could be because of her being an only child & not really knowing how to interreact to other kids & it could also be why she is so easily destracted. She's just not use to all the movement of other kids... it is a skill she needs to learn & will with time.

If you hold her back is she going to get board and not do the work since she has already done it? My hubby hated school - it repeated it's self to much & didn't keep his mind busy... so he just plan out gave up. Where as I liked it... but I took advanced classes (except reading) and it challanged me. My fear for your child is that it won't challange her, since she is already doing well and she will ive up like my hubby did.

I think I would wait till later in the year to make your desition but as long as she is doing well I would let her go to 1st grade. She my mature over the summer a bit more then you expect her to & with time kids won't destract her because she will get use to them being there (she just not use to it now).

Take care & try to enjoy your day!!

MotherofOne - this is so hard. I have been there twice! We held both our kids back. My daughter has an August 22 birthday. We held her back in the 3rd grade. While she wasn't failing, she wasn't progressing like she should. I did not want to set her up for failure and have her hate school. I wanted to give her the tools to excel and be successful in school. She was in the honor society in HS and is now a junior at Sam Houston State University where she makes fantastic grades. I am so happy that my husband and I decided together to hold her back. Yes, it was traumatic for her. Looking back, we should have moved her to a different school. But she will also agree that it was the best thing and she would do it all over again and go through everything because it helped her become a better student.

Our son has an September 13 birthday. We held him back in kinder. He wasn't ready maturity wise. I don't regret that decision either. He is not the best student but that is because he doesn't think he has to do the homework. Whole different issue! He is 17 now and is more mature than alot of his friends, most of the time! What it really comes down to is your gut. What do YOU thinki best for your daughter? If you feel that another year in kinder is the way to go, then go for it!!! Its better to do it now than in the future. I know!

Your intuition is very important. You know your daughter better than anyone, and your teacher is definitely not discouraging you from holding her back. I had a late bday and I was older than most in my class. I thought that was an ideal situation. My daughter has a late bday too, and I am glad! I agree with others who say that you won't regret it. And if problems surface later, there will probably be more of a stigma on the child to hold her back in a later grade. Kindergarten is an ideal time to do it. But, you have a few more months left in the school year. You can see how things pan out.

I think giving her one more yr in kinder would do her some good. I think she will be able to stay more focused and be able to control her frustrations better. Too it could just be an attention thing. She wants the attention and when she doesn't get it she acts out by not completing her work or acting silly with her friends cause she wants the attention. Being an only child and use to getting the attention at home on and individual basis is hard for them when they go to school. They don't get the one on one like that at school so they act out. Good luck with your decision.

Hi MotherofOne! My daughter's birthday is the 16th of August. She is also an only child. She started to have problems in kindergarten as far as immaturity but her teacher felt she would do fine in 1st grade so we did not hold her back. In 1st grade, she had a horrible time as she was just not ready. We got her a tutor and she worked on homework for hours after school. It was a nightmare. She repeated first grade and it was very hard at that time as her friends were now moving on and she wasn't. I think that holding her back in kindergarten would have been much easier for her as she had not developed as close of friendships. She is now 13 years old and is in the Omega program at school. She is very happy and her grades couldn't be better. It is a hard decision to make but I know for my daughter, it has helped tremendously.

Hi there, I’m going to confuse you even more here because I have 2 different scenarios =-)….I was in the same situation as you when my oldest daughter was in kindergarten. Her teacher said academically she was at the top of the class, but she was more immature (doing exactly as your daughter) then the other kids so to consider having her repeat Kindergarten. My dilemma was that academically she was ahead but her maturity level wasn’t. Therefore, I decided to not hold her back. She still had problems in 1st & 2nd grades but still remained at the top of her class and by 3rd grade she caught up to the other kids as far as her maturity. Now she’s the same level of maturity as her friends, perfect grades and we’ve never looked back…

Now, at the time I was friends with a mom whose daughter was like mine in Kindergarten and the teacher gave her the same opinion about holding her back. Unlike me she decided to go ahead and do it because like most people here advise, she didn’t want to regret it later. Her daughter repeated kindergarten without incident and is now just as successful as my daughter and they are still friends! In fact even though she held her back once she got into 1st grade she still played with all her friends from kinder that were then in 2nd grade. They are still young, not in clicks per se...

In my opinion and from my experience, I believe that YOU as her parent should make the ultimate decision because you know best. You cannot go wrong with your instincts. Your daughter will succeed because you are so involved. You know you’re daughter better than anyone! Whether you decide to hold her back or not, as long as you stay as involved in her school, friendships and everything, she will be fine. Good luck with your decision!

I always encourage Mom's to trust thier instincts. No one will know your child better than you. Our son was a Sept 1st baby, he was the youngest, smallest, most overwhelmed child in his class for kindergarten and 1st grade; we retained him in the 1st grade, then he became the oldest, average size, smartest one in the class. I can't begin to tell you what that did for his self-respect and self-image. He was no longer competing with children that were a year and sometimes 2 years older than him at recess, or PE class. Yes when he was in High School, he did express some frustration that he could be graduating a year earlier if I hadn't "held him back", but in my heart, I believe he never would have been able to stay in school to Graduation if I hadn't given the gift of that extra year of school. Trust your heart, your intuition, your instincts, whatever you want to call it, trust yourself to know whats best for your child at this point in her life.

God Bless

Dear MotherofOne,
When my youngest son was is first grade both my husband and myself attended so many meetings to discuss his academics and maturity level because his first grade teacher was fixed on holding him back a year. My gut instinct did not agree with her findings. With the complete permission of the grammer school hierarchy and us we allowed our son to be tested. I am so glad we went through this process!
By putting our child through testing we learned that he was above class standards in every area of testing! I had placed my son in preschool and there was not a birthday issue date for starting kindergarten but it was his first grade teacher and had we listened to her advice alone our son would have been held back and that could have possibly affected him long term in a very negative way. Please remember that summer vacation out of school will play into everything too. Set up a meeting with her primary teacher and have everybody above the teachers level at this meeting too. The testing that can be performed on your daughter will give you every indication of her maturity and academic levels and this process is well worth the time. If the school does not offer these testing services, there should be a list of outside sources that your school should be able to provide you to have your own evaluations done.
You are on the right track by asking others input! Hope this helped you,
Mary

I am a firm believer in 1 year of each grade, preK too. I have one child 9/29, the 2nd 5/16 and the 3rd will start next year. WIth both so far, they were age 4 in PreK, age 5 in K and so on.
A lot can happen over the summer and to hold a child back just for behavior doesn't seem fair especially if she is academically there. You will risk a chance of her being bored next year re-learning what she already knows.
But as a parent - the ultimate decision is yours. Good luck.

The first year I taught kindergarden, I had a girl whose parents decided she ought to repeat kindergarten. She was a late birthday as well and had done okay the first year, but had a bit of a struggle. Her mom thought it would only get worse from there so she held her back. She flourished that second year because she had the added maturity to handle what was needed and everybody agreed that the decision to hold her back had been the best one. And from what I could see, there was no stigma in it, either. She got along great with her classmates and even her previous classmates that had progressed on to first grade, and we ended up seeing them a lot on the playground at recess. If you're concerned about her maturity and ability to handle what's coming up, I'd say now is the perfect time to hold her back.