Toddler Acts Differently at Daycare than at Home

This is totally normal. She is not mad at you. Continue to give her love and discipline at home and you will weather this phase just fine.

I found the same thing with my 2 yo son sometimes. I found that if I take a solid 15 minutes of uninterrupted focused time with him when we get home from daycare, his mood and behavior are quite improved! I think he is just craving attention from me since he's missed me all day. It's hard when there's so much to do when you get home, and all you want to do is relax! But that 15 minutes works wonders. If only I could convince my husband of that... Good luck!

It's totally age appropriate. What's important is how you respond to the tantrums. Do you get anxious, hush her, hug her, give candy Also, promising candy if she doesn't throw a tantrum doesn't work. Treat her normally and if a tantrum occurs, IGNORE IT. I had two boys with borderline autism with extreme tantrums. The only thing that worked was ignoring them. After picking her up from daycare, check on when she last ate and slept and pottied. Make sure these needs are met immediately then ignore any demanding behaviors or tantrums. When the tantrum resolves itself, then pick them up and love them. Shower the attention when they behave. Even yelling at her to stop the tantrum is a form of attention, so ignoring is really the best after meeting their needs. Good luck.

Hi C.,

I hear your frustration! Her behavior is totally age appropriate, and very common. It's not all that unusual for children to act one way with grandparents/daycare/babysitter and act another way for mom and dad. Part of the reason you are seeing the tantrums and such at home is that she feels safe with you, and knows it's ok to show those emotions to you. This doesn't mean she's not safe at daycare, but it's a whole different dynamic there than at home, and she may no feel safe enough to express her emoions yet. Kids usually feel safer with mom and dad than with others.

Part of the tantrums alo could be that she's frustrated/upset/angry/sad about something and she doesn't have the words to tell you. When she's having these tantrums, you can reflect her emotions by saying something like "I see your frustrated/upset/angry about not getting what you want. It's ok to feel this way, and I love you. Let's go do______instead." This validates her feelings and helps her to identify emotions. At this age, the vocabulary just isn't there yet, and part of your job as a parent is to help her name and identify emotions. Also,sometimes, she just needs to throw a fit, and the best thing may be to just ride them out. Set firm but loving boundaries, and let her know you care.

One last thought: This too shall pass, and you'll soon be into another stage! Just take a deep breathe and relax.

I hope this makes sense! :)

This is so normal; I think just about every parent has experienced some version of this dilemma. Your child has been with you more or less constantly from birth, and knows intimately and automatically how you (and her daddy) will respond to pretty much anything she does. This is not a sneaky or deliberately manipulative process. It just is.

And, as adults, we have the option of shaking things up a little, in the name of happiness. I learned some (sneaky and deliberate, but kind) tricks raising my own daughter, and now use them with my grandboy on our one day a week together, with great success.

The most important one is to notice the cobwebs and dust bunnies that have accumulated in the corners of my own thinking and behavior. It's really helpful to notice early when some pattern is getting to me, and notice how I react. Then I look at it from the child's point of view, too. I am repeatedly amazed at how frustrating a child's experience must be - big people telling them all the time what to do and when to do it.

Do we bring babies into the world to frustrate them? Of course not! Do we bring babies into the world so we can feel frustrated? No way!

So I try to enter into the spirit of the child's play or line of inquiry or mood. Play is pretty much how a baby/child learns how to "do" the world and meet all its requirements. From there, from that sense of partnership I establish with the little person, I can help guide the game or the questions or the feelings gently in the direction I want to go. This sounds like it takes a long time, but really it takes less time and emotional energy than coping with tantrums and meltdowns. And it makes family life so much more fun and creative. You will feel so much more satisfied with being a parent.

Adults tend to get habituated to certain ways of doing things, and to imposing certain expectations upon their families. Life is so full and busy that this seems to be the "easiest" way. And it really is NOT the easiest, or the most fun. There are a thousand ways to be playful and curious about life that we tend to forget as "responsible" adults. For me, the greatest gift children bring into my life is that they remind me to look for all the creative opportunities.

My best to you. Long live joy!

I don't know how you go about things at your house, but alot of times when kids are in day care parents sometime lax up on rules and consequences at home because they feel bad about not being home all day. Don't feel bad about having to work and try to compensate ( if that's the case I don't know) you won't be doing yourself or your child any favors. Day care centers have a structured schedule and set of rules and there are consequences if the rules are broken. This works at home too. Trust me. Another thought alot of times is when parents work, when they come home they are busy trying to get chores done or maybe they are so tires the just want to unwind in front of the TV/computer,either way kids will start misbehaving to get some extra time and attention. If that ends up the case hold off the cores/TV until she's in bed so you have time to read stories or play together. Or perhaps you and your husband can take turns one does chores one spends time with your child, then switch. Hope this helps.
H. T.

Totally normal, age appropriate, and actually a good sign that she trusts you, above all others. Kids seem to do this in the same way that we might have to be pleasant to strangers all day at work, then come home and "vent" to our spouse about our day. It is a sign that she can let down her guard & express her feelings and that you will still always be there to love her regardless of her behavior. I also work outside the home, and my kiddos did and still do the same thing. It is also about her age when kids just naturally try to test limits and increase their independence, so the fit throwing, while obnoxious, is also normal. :)

Hello,
It could be that she is picking up on habits some of the other children have. It could also be her way of expressing her dislike of daycare. When my son was three he would come home from daycare and cry and throw fits like never before. Finally I began to show up to daycare early and sort of spy to see what was going on. I actually caught a few things I wasn't happy with. Eventually an assitant at the daycare filled me in on other things that were going on. My son was being given milk which he was allergic to. He was being given Tylanol to go to sleep at nap time and a few other things I wasn't happy with. Of course I took him out of there and put him in another daycare. His crying and fits stopped at home and he was happy at the new daycare. So it's possible her actions are warning signs. Don't let if freak you out, it could be something else. I just want to make you aware incase it isn't something else. Good luck!

She's probably not mad at you at all! In a classroom or daycare like setting children (even babies) are much more likely to follow the rules because they are firmly set in place, and they see all the other children following the rules, or having the consequences of not following (time-outs or reprimands). Most children do better and behave better in a place with structure and very clear expectations about what they can and can not do. Try to create more structure in your home with consistent discipline (that word sounds harsh, but I just mean a time out or a stern tone or something when your baby does something she shouldn't).

This is a sign that your daughter recognizes that you love her unconditionally. It's the same reason the rest of us are more polite to a total stranger than we are to our own family, as a rule. We know our family will love us anyway, while a stranger might think differently of us if we immediately demonstrated our least endearing characteristics. I have experienced this myself, both as a childcare provider and as a parent, so I have experienced both sides of this scenario. Please do not allow yourself to be riddled with guilt over having to leave your daughter sometimes. You sound like a wonderful mother. Children have this innate sense of when we are second-guessing ourselves as parents. As a (previously) single Mom, it was heart-wrenching when my daughter would tear up and softly say, "I miss my Dad." Then, this began to happen whenever she was in trouble. It was hard to admit that she was using this to manipulate me, but she was. I started telling her, "Yes, I know you do, but we're not talking about that right now." It was so hard to say at first!
I don't think your daughter is mad at you for taking her to daycare, unless she is honestly unhappy there. Do you have any reason to believe she is not recieving satisfactory care there? If you know in your heart of hearts that her daycare teachers enjoy their time with the children and care about the little ones in their charge, then please forgive yourself for not being there for her every waking moment. I have seen children (just her age, by the way,) playing happily for hours, until their Mother walks in, and they dissolve into tears. I could see the look of guilt on the Mothers' faces, and felt so badly for them. But, as unlikely as it sounds from such a sweet, young child, it was manipulation. I am sure your daughter likes being with you, but she probably enjoys being with her daycare friends, too. She sounds like she is a healthy, normal 17-month-old girl. The temper tantrums will pass, and she will do something else that irritates you in a different way! :) Again, you sound like a great Mom. You might do a web-search for developmental characteristics of toddlers. I know you will find that your girl is right on track. :)

I don't think you are experiencing anything different than anyone else. :) My 19 month old has started throwing tantrums in the last month or so. Some seemingly for no reason. This is definitely the age for it to happen. My pediatrician has asked me at the 12 month appointments for both of my boys if they've started throwing tantrums yet. Toddler time is when it starts.

But the key thing I wanted to share is something I've read in many different sources. Why does your child all of the sudden act out when she's with you when she's had a great day at child care? Because she can. Because she knows you and loves you more than anyone else. Because she's most comfortable with you. She will always be on better behavior with others. I can't tell you how many times my mom, my babysitters, my sister and brother, and my child care provider have told me how wonderfully my boys behaved only to have them melt down when I got home.

It's really difficult, but know it is because your daughter loves you so much and is so comfortable with you.

I find that at this age, the more can give my son choices, the better he behaves. The tantrums are their way of expressing themselves and beginning to assert their independence. Often you aren't really giving them a choice, but to them it is. Do you want to walk to your bedroom or do you want mommy to carry you? I have also found advance warning to be helpful. My oldest used to pitch fits when it was time for dinner. He didn't want to stop playing. I started giving him a 10 minute warning and then a five minute warning and it really helped.

Good luck!

Rest assured, C., that your daughter's behavior is totally normal! Articles I've read (and with my own experience) indicate that it's normal for toddlers to melt down when they get home. The reason is that they have been on their best behavior all day (for the most part) and when they are at home, comfortable and with their parents they let their true feelings come through. Feel flattered--your child is comfortable enough to let you know how tired, exhausted and happy she is to be home with you!

Regarding the acting out differently at home than at day care, one strategy that we tried is talking to our day care provider and making sure that we give the same consequences to poor behavior. For example, if your daughter throws a toy and the day care gives her a time out and you punish her in a different way, then she gets confused. Then she'll know that no matter how she behaves she'll have the same consequences. This should decrease the different behaviors. Your daughter is not mad at you at all--in fact you may have an even stronger bond because the time you do spend together is very precious and wonderful.

Good luck!

Totally normal behavior. There is a reason that "you always hurt the ones you love," became a cliche. She excercises what new control she is finding (just wait until she discovers that she can really say NO) in front of her family because it's safe.

Just take it for what it is - a growing pain. Right around then I believe I started introducing "consequences" such as the naughty step (1 minute per age year).

Good luck!

This is very normal. I ran a daycare for 20 years and it was amazing how the child changed as soon as mom walked in the door! Oh my goodness. Children act out more at home because home is their own stomping ground. They don't have to be on their best behavior and they know mom and dad will be more accepting than perhaps the daycare provider, etc. My children are totally different at school, etc. than at home, but I had a teacher once tell me that it is better for them to behave at school or in a public setting and misbehave at home, than to misbehave at school, etc. and have it cause disciplinary problems in the school, etc. I agree. Think about yourself too......aren't you more "well behaved" LOL at work, or at the grocery store? Home is our safe haven. I wouldn't beat yourself up and feel like your daughter is mad at you. that will only feed into the problem and her feeling like you will tolerate her tatrums. Just be loving but firm, and don't overcompensate (by letting her get away with bad behavior) for the fact you work. a lot of it is the age. some of it can just be ignored, but it never hurts to let her know that it's not ok to act that way as you then walk away from her. this to shall pass.....but in the meantime, hang in there....you've got a friend.........

Try not to give the tantrums the attention. Plan some short fun activities to give her attention while she is being good when you get home. She is trying to get your attention after being away from you all day. When a tantrum starts, give her a place(her room, with the door open, a large laundry basket with books to look at, et) to act it out and tell her you want her to join you when she is done. You will have to take her there, if she can get out, numerous times at first. Always do it with a hug and a kiss and a reminder that when she is done crying, she may come spend time with you. It will take a little bit but she will start to learn that this is what will happen when she tantrums only and she can be with you when she is not. Never do it with anger. Be consistant. She will start to try the tantruming in public next and that is always a challenge. Remember to stay calm, plan short trips that can be cancelled at any stage of them. Reward her with complements whenever she is well behaved and there are no tantrums. Try not to threaten things you cannot follow through with. When she sits in her time out space, always have special toys, educational ones are great, in that space. Remember, she is taking a break, not being punished. Always allow her to get up when she can choose to stop the tantrum, not a set amount of time.
Find a Love and Logic training to follow up and it will help you as she moves closer to the terrible two's and into the horrible three's. If you go to foster parent training, wa state; training and find the video training, you can find the Love and Logic training there; or at a public library possibly. Good Luck! I.

Seems pretty age appropriate to me. My 19-month-old son doesn't go to daycare, but twice a week he spends 5-6 hours with his doting grandparents who adore him. They tell me how well behaved he was, then I get him home and he turns into a turd. If your child is mad about daycare, then mine is mad about having two grandparents lavish him with love and attention...what I'm getting at is, I doubt your child dislikes daycare. I'm thinking it's all just a stage. Hoping!

This seems to be a very common thing with little children and even sometimes with older children. My daughter was always very well-behaved at daycare, later school and with relatives and babysitters. She is now an young adult and she was never a problem outside the home. When I discussed this problem with other parents of small children, most parents said that their children were the same in that way. I was an indulgent parent, so I did have a little trouble getting her behavior under control and home, but with time and effort on my part and increasing maturity on her part, things did improve. A counselor suggested that we try something called One, Two,Three to teach her to behave better, and it did work wonders. We learned about that technique, when she was 6 and it only took a week to get great results. While this is supposed to be a technique to use on the child, in my case being an indulgent parent, it also kept me more consistent in disciplining her, which was a big factor in how well it worked.

My daughter is now 23 and will be a lawyer in one more year and she is also an outstanding student and a very mature person. The reason that I mention this is because as far as childhood, she is now a finished product and not only has she turned out well, but I believe that for the most part children who behave well outside the home have the basic tools to learn to get along well in life. My daughter and I had some difficult times in her teens, as far as some of her behavior at home, but she never gave me a lick of worry in how she dealt with the rest of her life. Even when her father and I got divorced, although there was a lot of acting out at home, she never missed a beat as far as the rest of her life. She continued to get good grades at school and kept using good judgement as far as the friends she picked and didn't indulge in the kind of risky behavior that can be a great source of worry to us parents.

Maybe I am inferring a lot about a child who knows how to behave outside the home at an early age, but I really think that these are the children that will do well in life. Work on the problem that you have with her home behavior, but be grateful that your child is well-adjusted and not having any serious problems.

I am having the same issue with my 27mo twin boys. I send them to daycare twice a week just for the socializaiton of it. Well, and for me to have some down time. My boys do really well at daycare. They usually cry when I drop them off but after a minute or so they are fine. When I bring them home from daycare they are usually tired especially if they get to play outside on a nice day. I get a little report card saying how long they slept, what they ate during the day, potty times and the other activities they did throughout the day. It gives me a good idea about how tired they are. My biggest thing is that I need to feed them as soon as I get home with them. But I think the main reason my boys are so cranky is because after dad comes home from work, we are tired and just can't keep up to their level. They just want to play play play and sometimes after a long day we just can't keep up with the activity they are used too during their day at daycare. I know what you are going through. We just need to hang in there. Timeouts work at our house. Well, it works for one but not the other. Just wanted to let you know that your not alone.

Hi C.,

I am a mother of four, ranging in age from 5-20. This is perfectly normal behavior. Kids usually are good at daycare, preschool, school, etc...and save their acting up for where they are most comfortable. As with each stage, this too shall pass. Just be sure to be consistent with discipline & consequences.

Good Luck,

D. P.

Hi there! We had the same problem with our guy.... I go to Babycenter.com a lot for age milestones and such. On there they had an article about how toddlers do this very often 'cuz "home" is where they are comfy and can let it "all hang out". They have had to be on good behavior all day long and it wears them out emotionally so when they get home to mom and dad where they know they are loved unconditionally they let out their frustrations knowing you are there to love them anyway. Another thing that is common is that snack time at daycares is usually after nap time which is early afternoon and by pick up time your little one could be hungry which makes them irritable - maybe think about having a dry non-messy snack she can have in the car on the ride home to tide her over until dinner. We found that the snack and some 'cuddle time' (which is watching the news with daddy) has worked wonders!

Good luck!!

This is completely normal and shows that she is totally comfortable at home. She is releasing the stress from being "good" all day. You have a loving home if she knows she can have a safe meltdown. Just remember, this too shall pass. Good luck.

While I was in college, I worked as a preschool teacher and had this conversation almost everyday. You are not alone, its very normal for kids to act up after being in day care all day... they dont understand why they are there and they tend to take it out on the parents, or the teachers (I had several kids that were complete terrors in school and angels at home). Also, she is totally at the age where random fits are normal and she will grow out of it. I would tell parents to keep chores, etc to a minimum when you get home at the end of the day, spend a lot of quality time with the child. When you pick her up in the evenings, make sure to have her walk you around the classroom and show you her favorite toys or art work or anything that interests her at the day care facility. We have so much daylight here that you can take her to a park on the way home, maybe have dad meet you there and have sandwiches for dinner instead of cooking an entire meal. Do your laundry, etc at bed time or during naps on the weekends. The key is to make lots of HER time.

Also, dont let the guilt eat at you so that you allow her to continue acting up. That is very common in working moms. If she acts up, call her out and explain why she cannot act like that. Continue to parent even though you feel bad that you cant stay home with her. DAy care is no excuse for naughty behavior. There needs to be a balance of light discipline (she is still a little young) and fun times, so that she knows who is boss and also that you love her.