Toddler with Disastrous Bedtime Routine!!

If your son is crying, why would you not go to him? Don't make him fall asleep crying for you, then sleep will not be comforting for him. He might even come to fear it. Which would suck as we all need sleep!

If he is not sleepy, why make him go to bed? I don't get why people do this. Maybe his body clock is such that he has lots of energy at night and has trouble calming down. What do you do to help him calm down? Make sure he has a way to burn off energy before going to bed. Running around, wrestling, jumping, playing in the bath tub, or whatever works for your family, maybe even a walk around the block (with baby in a sling, lots of babies get fussier in the evenings and being outside helps). It seems like we (American parents mostly) are too quick to push our children away and that saddens me (and the kids too I'm sure).

There is no right or wrong answer for any parenting question. I hope that you try to see things from his point of view sometimes if not all the time. He is young and wants to be close to his parents. Don't look at it as "bad" behavior, it is natural for offspring to stay close to their parents. It helps them feel safe and they imitate your behaviors, good and bad.

What's with the reading 3 books? Why 3? I love to read and sometimes my son falls asleep during the first book, other times we read 10 and I am falling asleep! Forget Supernanny and her advice; she doesn't even have children of her own. You should not be crying in another room. I feel so bad for parents thinking this is the only way to raise a child.

Read something that will help you have more empathy for the place your son is at in this world. Maybe Alfie Kohn's Unconditional Parenting or Gordon Newfeld's Hold Onto Your Kids. Try loosening up a little, on yourself too! Life is too short!

You CAN, T. - and you will be so glad you did --- you have at least 18 years of being 'hands on--- every day--- Mom and Dad' - and YOU are the grown ups - he's just a baby and he CRAVES you setting the rules ( he will when he's 16, too-- he won't SAY so - but it's true) So whatever decisions you and your husband make -- have to be IN CONCRETE. You've got the hardest one done- the first night- now whatever you do - don't fall back or when WILL you have sleep????

You can, I promise

Old Mom
J.

T.,

As you can see by the responses so far, you are definitely not alone. What has worked for us is consistency. Every night we read ONE story, sing ONE song, and then say goodnight. Dad reads the story and mom sings the song - every night. There were times when our son would ask for another story or another song and once we did it, we realized that he asked for it every night. So we just stuck to our guns and said no. The routine is one story and one song. Now if our son is stalling we tell him he will have to choose a short story rather than a long one or a short song. If that doesn't work, then he will lose the song. He lost song time with me once and it has never happened again. Yes, there were tears at times but now at almost 3 1/2, he never cries and bedtime is usually a breeze. Good luck!

First you know this is all normal stuff and his reaction is completely normal as well. So don't worry. You're on the right track with limiting the books and providing clarity around your expectaions (he gets his books and cuddles, but goes to be alone). It is horribly trying to make it through the "stay in bed technique" but apparently it works. It just takes consistency, persistance and courage.

Here are a couple of other ideas that we used and which really made a big difference with our little one:

1. The Kissing Hand - if you don't know this book, please get it/borrow from library. It is great. And you can use "kissing hands" (loving kissing on each of your son's palms) before leaving him in his room. Reminders that you love him and are always close. It can be a special thing between you and him. With my girl, it eased the anxiety of leaving her in bed.

2. Another mom told me this one and I was skeptical at first, but we started it when my daughter was just over 3 years old, and it worked like a charm! Surprise to me! Basically, you take 3 pennies (or 4-5 max) and you and he place them outside his bedroom door. You tell him that each time he comes out of his room for any reason other than potty, you will take away a penny. He gets to keep however many are left in the morning and put them in his piggy bank. Then one day he will have enough to buy something special for himself! You will start by explaining this to him of course and then put it into action. I was amazed at how possesive my daughter was of her pennies - she didn't want to lose a single one!

By the way - you need to decide if you are going to insist on your child being in bed with lights out, or if you will allow him to just be in his room (e.g., looking at books, playing quietly, etc.). As my daughter got a bit older (like 3.5) she was definitely wanting more and more control - so we decided that she could decide if she wanted to "read" one more book and go to bed. It was a choice we offered her if she said "I'm not tired" or "I don't want to go to bed". We basically said: OK honey, if you want, you may read a book and then turn off your light. It's up to you, but you still need to stay in your room and not call for Mommy and Daddy. It's Mommy's time to be with Daddy now." That worked for us. Now she's nearly 4 and she will sometimes say (after she's been tucked in, kissed/cuddled, etc)..."Mommy, I am going to read one more book OK?"..and she does and sometimes even falls asleep with her bedside light still on. But she's happy about going to bed because she did it on her terms. :)

I hope that helps!

you are not the only one who has a toddler that won't go to sleep. When my 7 year old was young, we had to lock her in her room so she wouldn't keep coming out. She just didn't want to go to bed and there was nothing we could do to convince her it was ok. She would stand and the door and scream until she dropped from exhaustion. She slept pressed up against the door many times. We didn't do anything different with her than we did with our oldest. He was a model child and got out of his bed only a handful of times when he was little. There are just some kids who don't want to go to bed.

My daughter finally started going to bed easily when we got her a bunk bed and let her sleep on the top. This was when she was 5 years old.

I don't have any good suggestions. I just wanted you to know you aren't alone. And don't beat yourself up about being bad parents because your child won't sleep. Sometimes children are difficult, no matter how consistent you are or how perfectly you follow what the experts tell you to do.

Good luck.

Your son cried for 2 hours then fell asleep at 9:20? What time does he go to bed, 7:00? This might be too early! Our son just turned 3 and goes to bed at around 8:30 each night. What if you tried pushing back his bedtime until he's actually tired?

Hey T.,
I so feel for you. I have a 4 year old and 18 month old and I went thru the same thing 2 years ago. As you say, we set ourselves up for it too and it took a while to work it out. But we learned a valuable lesson for our 18 month old! With our son, he just didn't want to go to bed and wanted to play all night. During the last months (and most tiring) of my pregnancy, I sat in with him for sometimes hours in his room (in a chair) and waited for him to go to sleep. I tried singing, rubbing his back, telling him a story, being silent, and pretending to go to sleep myself (which sometimes I did as I was exhausted) until he went to sleep and then crept out of his room, hoping that I didnt make a sound and wake him, for it would all start over. I often broke down and cried right there in the room because of pregnancy hormones and exhaustion. I was the one who did this as my hubby felt it was not his job and he needed a rest from working all day (no, he is not a jerk just clueless)! Needless to say, I put up with it (why, I am not sure) but told him that once our baby girl came, it would be up to him as I needed to be with the baby.

Well, she came and it was his turn, and he found that he couldn't deal with it either. We began the "move towards the door method" and finally it started to work - after a lot of frustration. It took a while but we kept with it. We put him to bed at 8pm these days after Daddy reads to him and says prayers. Sometimes he falls right asleep and sometimes he plays quietly for 1 hour (rare cases, 2 hours) and then falls asleep. i think he likes the independence we have given to him to decide when he is tired. It was hard to give up control over him on sleeping but there is no tears, anger or frustration on either side. When he gets older, once he learns time better, we can start giving him time limits. Right now, if he gets up past the 1 hour mark, I tend to go in and remind him that it is night-night time and that he is tired and needs to sleep. At this age, he just doesn't get what a 1/2 hour is and we are okay with that, with limits.

As long as he isn't hurting himself (no jumping on the bed, hitting the walls, etc)then don't be so worried - he might like a bit of independence.

Good luck - just know that you aren't alone and alot of kids do this. However, know that with your 5 month old. I dont stay in my 18 month old room very long - in fact, I tell her a quick story and say prayers and am out of there within 3-4 minutes. Most times, she falls right to sleep. I think she is better trained to fall asleep without me there - it is just not an option for her to stay up to play or put a fuss - something I learned with my son!

It is true what they say, you learn with the first one on what not to do with the second!

Good luck again with training yourself and him...
L.

Excellent job! I, too, am inspired by the supernanny. Please be consistent and he will accept his new routine sooner than you think he will. We had a long drawn out bedtime routine and I found myself really resenting my little one for taking my few hours of adult time. It will be a week of hell but you will get through it and it will have been so worth it. Keep it up!

Hi T.,

I had my son when my daughter was 5 years old. Even at that age, she got more clingy with the newborn's arrival. I had already been sleeping with her in a loft bed above mine. And a few nights, she slept in the queen bed with me and our baby boy. I fought getting her to sleep by herself for 5 years. But as soon as I relaxed and gave her what she really wanted (our presence) then she goes to sleep within minutes. She's 7 now and my son is 2.5. I do look forward to the day when I can stretch out and sleep by myself again but in the mean time, I totally cherish curling protectively around my boy as he grabs onto my arm while he falls asleep. Sometimes, I get up after they go to sleep. Sometimes I am up hours before them getting done what ever needs done. We use the guest bedroom for "adult" activities.

Best of luck finding what works for you.

K.

Don't worry about things. People forget what it's like to be tired and have 'everyone' around you saying he should cry it out. They forget what it's like to want your baby to sleep after 14 wonderful (non-napped) hours and to have that baby cry when you think he was finally asleep.

I don't have any advice for you, as I'm in the middle of this battle myself. I wanted to tell you that you are not alone. You are not a bad Mama. You are doing the best you can, and so it your husband. You love your little guy and are being as patient with his late night needs as you can be. Take a deep breath and remember that these are the only years he will be so little and dependent on you. He loves you totally, even when he is screaming about going to bed. Take care of yourself and your family. You all deserve it.

Amen to Kim's advice.. Why make it a battle, I agree.. My now 20 year old son co-slept with us half the time and he turned out great.. They will not be sleepign with you forever and if it helps everyone in the house get more sleep, well that's what matters. It's a personal decision but I think a routine has been established by 6 months and if he wasn't sleepign on his own by then, it will be a very hard habit to break and almost to me a cruel one because it feels like you're now changing and he doesn't understand why, he just wants your love... is that so bad?! I remember my son saying to me.. I don't understand why I have to sleep by myself, I'm just a little kid. You and daddy are grown ups and get to sleep together.. out of the mouth of babes, gotta love it!!

My 3 yr old daughter did this for a while. It didn't matter which one of us was putting her back in bed consistently, she would cry for the other one. Eventually, she stopped getting out of bed. It did take a few nights of being consistent by both of us as parents to get her to stay in bed.

My two daughters have different sleep needs, which is difficult as they both sleep in the same room, so if you know that he needs the sleep, stick to it. We found out that our 3 yr old doesn't need as much sleep at night as our 15 mo old. She is also transitioning from naps during the day to no naps so that it adding to the difficulty. It does get better! God bless.

Awwww, I feel for you T.. Stick with it though. Consistency in the key here. And you said yourself, he has been having this problem for 2 years. It can't be fixed in 2 nights. Hang in there and remember, your family will be better off for it. I would offer the suggestion the you put him to bed the first time though, just so that he knows you are still there.

Good luck and I will keep you in my prayers =)

I want to incourage you and I think your on the right track..except maybe starting your routine a little later.. 7 is kinda early.. maybe 7:30 to start.. your choice.
I absolutly believe that we as parents have to teach our children structure and boundaries. At 3yrs old, kids try to test you to the limits (it does get a little at 4yrs). If you let him set the boundaries and push the limits now, just think of the boundaries he will try to push at 13, 16, years old etc. It will also help him adjust to pre-school next year as well.
I wish I could have watched the Super Nanny show when my first daughter was little. I believe her methods are good without being harsh. I love her bedtime method, i have been using it for my youngest daugher and so far it is working.

Keep up the conststancy, he will fall asleep, and he most likely will not remember this when he is older.

oh, from personaly experience with my oldest..
make sure that both parents do the bedtime routine. both do it exactly the same. i went out of town for a couple days and it was a disaster for dad who had never put her to bed.
Keep up the good work!! It will get easier!

T. - I feel your tears. Stick with it!! You won't have to hear his crying much longer. In my experience it only takes about a week . . .

Blessings!

T.,

Hugs hun, you have a looooong, doable road ahead of you. Like you said y'all kinda set yourselves up for this one. On the good side, he's three and it will be easier to fix now, than in another couple of years. Do y'all try to spend "special" time with your 3 year old while the baby sleeps? That may help too.

There is another Supernanny technique that may work a little better than the back to bed. Since he wants his Mommy go in and sit cross legged right next to his bed. Look down to the floor and do not engage him in any way. That way he knows that Mommy is there, but that it's bed time. I'd stay right next to his bed for a few nights then every night after move closer to the door. I don't know what the name of this is, but it works well for the clingy child.

Here is my bedtime routine I do with my 5 year old and 2 year old:

5:00 Dinner and play time
6:00 Baths if needed, jammies, and quiet play
7:00 cuddles on the couch while we watch Wheel of Fortune and Jeopardy
8:00 bed time, one or both have usually fallen asleep before this

This is a very flexible schedule, and can be adjusted as needed. Some nights they stay up later because they had late naps, some nights they go to bed early because they have had no naps.

Hope this helps,
Melissa

You CAN change things. There may be nights where y'all want to cry with him, but be strong and consistent and things WILL get better. It might get worse first, but it will get better.

I am right there with you! Our almost 3 year old is doing the same thing. She has a big girl bed in her room and a crib. She wants the bed and then gets out over and over. Eventually I just put her in the crib and she cries. I am petrified to take out the crib because I think I need that safety net to contain her. She is doing the "million requests" as well. I want this, I want that. I would let her cry, scream it out but her 6 month old brother is right next door and we are trying to get him some more sleep! Last night I had to go back in the room 6 times to just get her settled down.
I wish I had some advice for you. I need it too! I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone. And from what I hear it gets better. My mantra is: This too shall pass!
S.

Hi T.,
Everyone has great suggestions, I just wanted to give you some support! My 2 year old is doing this now. Last week, she was fine, this week it's two hours of crying and 'mama lay down'. My girl is in daycare and I was trying to be stringent about bedtime because she has to get by 6:45 to get to daycare on time. But then the other day, we were out until 8:30 and she didn't get to bed until 9pm, there was no crying or asking me to stay. Last night it was bed at 8pm and we read our stories and she was rushing me through them, obviously ready for bed, and went right to sleep with no problem. I know she's getting a good nap at daycare but I still wanted her to have that extra time at night but it is not to be... maybe it's time to "try" bedtime a little later. I don't know. The last couple days it's worked for us... who knows what it will be like next week! :)

Good luck and I definitely feel for you.
(((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

A.

My husband and I both read 1 story to our kids before bed. We trade off who reads 1st each night. The 2nd story teller puts the kids to bed (they are 3 and 4). Then the other comes in for a quick goodnight kiss. The kids can both have a book to look at for a few minutes after this routine. The light from the hallway is on and they can see the pages. They generally go to sleep shortly after. I don't think you should shut your son out when he wants you, but instead be strong and just give kisses and hugs goodnight and go. He will get used to it, but it will take some crying and time.

Wow! He fell asleep by 9:20! You are sooo lucky. Many toddlers who are used to a parent laying down with them may scream clear into the morning.

If you just can't stand it you could try the "slowly out the door method." The first night you snuggle for a few minutes then sit at the end of his bed. Do this for a week or so. Then you move to a chair in the room. Then you slowly move the chair out the door. Then you start snuggling (it's okay to snuggle, everyone benifits from a goodnight snuggle :)) and leaving, but promising to check every 5/10 minutes. (You can start with shorter or longer time intervals; you judge.)You slowly lengthen the time intervals.

This method takes much longer than the "scream it out" method, but if the SIO method is too hard on you...

good luck.

this is just a response to someone who thought that 7pm is too early to put your kids to bed. you know your child. i personally start the bedtime routine at 6:30 for my daughter who is almost 4. she doesn't nap and sleeps until 7am. i figure that if she doesn't need the sleep, she'll wake up earlier but so far she hasn't.

As hard as it may be, you're on the right track. Be assured that this is very usual behavior, especially after a new baby comes into a child's life. My 4 year old is still not happy about the arrival of his brother, who's 19 months old. Things have gotten a little easier now that they're playing together more, though there are still struggles that initially seemed completely unrelated to the jealousy, but are actually either directly because of, or existing problems that are exasperated by jealousy. (...I hope that made sense.)

I suggest trying to set a time, if you can, once a day, or perhaps at least once a week (and whenever you can squeeze it in), that's just for you and your older son, so he knows he can still have that special time with you.

The discussion of life changes is always a good one, but it's difficult for adults to fully grasp sometimes, so obviously much more difficult for a 3 year old. I definitely think that it's necessary though.

Best of luck to you! Happy Holidays!