Torn: 1 Child Needs Regular Dental Care / the Other Wants Braces / 47 on Test &

Hi L., My opinion is to do exactly what you are doing, what is best for the kids when you have them. I'd take the younger one to the dentist and not worry about what the mom does with the braces. I would also keep up on the school work and try to instill those good values for the future. The not playing basketball is an awesome natural consequence and the school did it for you, so I'd show empathy and say, "Wow, I know you must be upset about not being able to play. If you'd like help getting your grades up, I'm here for you." I'd also make sure I didn't let the step mom cause me to argue with my husband. I'd go to my girlfriends to vent and I'd make sure my husband and i stayed strong and that I was a positive source in his kids lives. I know it must be hard, but I really believe that what goes around comes around and you seem to be a really great stepmom who wants what is best for those kiddos. I would NOT let that woman have the power to cause trouble in my home. Good luck!

I admire you for stepping in to help and nurture these children.

Maybe the 12 yr old is acting out due to the divorce?? Just a thought. Maybe she is acting out because she is embarrassed by her appearance if she truly needs braces. I feel it is wrong to deny any medical care to any child in need because of behavior. Medical care is not a privilege..

I don't understand how the mom will provide for one and not the other...that is not right.

Agreed....the CP child needs dental help and it should be provided. I would never skimp on health and safety for my child. Secondly, Braces are a medical necessity for many children and I think it is wrong to deny her braces if she truly is in need of them. Braces fit into the category of basic health and safety.....find another way to punish her if you feel she must be punished. Can you imagine being 12 and in need (I am talking IF she TRULY needs braces) of braces and having friends make fun of you or being self conscious of your appearance?

That alone could be a reason for the rebellion..... 12 is a difficult age as well. Kids at school can be cruel. Middle school is an emotional time for all kids.

Again, kudos to you for stepping in and trying to help these children. Many step parents would not do that....

Best wishes.

L.,

I will say that I do not agree that braces are a privilege. If the dentist is saying she needs braces, then she should get them. At 12-years-old, it will be a lot easier to deal with braces... it's more common... than when she's a teenager or an adult. Braces are not cosmetic... they do straighten your teeth, and of course, that looks better, but they fix things inside the mouth as well that could cause bigger problems later. I never had to have braces, but I know from my friends who all had them, that they are not a fun thing. They are uncomfortable and a hassle, so I don't think they are something to be taken away because she's not doing her school work.

I do agree, that the bill needs to be paid so the 9-year-old can go to the dentist. That is a necessity. What does your husband say about this? Maybe you guys can talk to the mom about getting her in soon, to stay on top of her dental care.

As far as the school work... it sounds like there might be a bigger problem. Is she overwhelmed at home? Is she not managing her time well? She is only 12-years-old... that's still pretty young. Maybe you could talk to her about strategies that will help her get things done. If all she's hearing is negativity, she's going to feel like she can't come to her parents for help. She could be totally stressing out about it, but afraid to talk to you guys, so it just gets worse. If she feels safe in coming to you, and you guys can work out a solution (not just a punishment) together, then it might solve the issues. It sounds like she's got a lot going on in her young life, with a divorced home, trading custody, band, sports and school... that's a lot. Needless to say, she's starting to enter her teenage years, which from emotions and hormones alone can be so incredibly stressful!

I say just talk to her and see if you can get to the bottom of what's going on. It's probably a cycle that's just spun out of control and she doesn't know how to fix it. If you talk to her in a mindset of helping her figure out what to do, and figuring out where she's coming from, instead of telling her what to do and getting upset at her because she's not doing it "well enough," I bet it will go a long way.

I hope this helps!
Good luck with everything!

S.

I dont have any advise about the other stuff but take her to a different dentist for a cleaning or what ever dental work she needs and maybe talk to an attorney about trying to get full custody of the 9 year old if she can't take care of her properly...

HTH
A. J