Touchy Situation

Hi S.,

I went through infertility for 6 years before having my son and secondary infertility for 4 months before having my daughter. This is just to give you a little background on me to help you understand my opinion and suggestions.

First off be supportive, don't ignore the situation by not bringing it up, that will just make her feel more alienated than she already feels.

There is nothing you can do or say that will make her feel better. You can't stop your life because of her situation and you shouldn't. I still went to my friends kids birthday party's and baby showers and even was a god-mother to my friends daughter. Yes all of this was very hard and at times emotionally draining. Your friend is going to have to decide for herself what is to much. You can't read minds so she's going to have to tell you what her boundaries are and your going to have to be supportive enough to accept them without feeling slighted.

This may or may not be the start of a seperation in your friendship, depending on how strong she is. But that happens in many friendships as you get older and move in different directions in your life. It's not always about kids.

You could suggest to her about the groups section on www.yahoo.com . I belonged to an infertility group there for almost 10 years. It was comforting to talk to other women going through the same thing and it gave me hope as many of us got pg while in the group. Many of us stayed after for years to offer support to the remaing members. Your friend may feel very alone and not have anyone to talk to. Yes you can lend a sympathetic ear, but the best thing for her is to talk to other women going through the same thing. She will be shocked at how many of us are out there.

You are not doing anything wrong by the way. I wish some of my friends did what you are doing by getting helpful advice, it would have saved me some hurt feelings along my journey.

Good Luck to you and your friend!
J. in Macomb

S., my best friend lost her mother and I didn't have a clue what to say either so I just told her I didn't have a clue but I did care and I think that was enough. Just be honest! And don't stop talking about your son, your friend knows you have one and cares for him even though she doesn't have her own child. Sometimes it's okay to say to someone "what you're going through SUCKS", we don't have to try to fix it. Just empathize. K.

Hi S.,
I agree with the good advice of the previous responders. I don't think you should stop talking about your son. He is a huge part of your life and I'm sure she wants to share that with you. There will be times when it hurts for her to hear what joy he brings to your life, but it will be combined with a happiness for you, since you are a dear friend. Just make sure that he isn't your only topic of conversation. She can't, after all, relate to motherhood and probably wants to know that there are other aspects of your lives that you can still connect on.
Definately don't offer advice, since you really don't know what she is going through and often things that people say when they mean well can come across as making light of the situation. Listen when she wants to talk, but let her initiate the conversation. In my experience, there were times when I wanted to share all the details and just unload, and others when I felt that my experience was just too intimate to share with anyone except my husband.
Hope that helps. Good luck!

I think you need other friends to talk with about your own child. This friend needs you to be her friend on other planes. Your "role" is to listen when called upon, perhaps pray together, and literally to touch, with hugs and other acts of kindness. It's hard to understand when you're trying to conceive, but there are other aspects of life. Meet with other interests, go together to a movie for example, discuss a book you've both read, have a half day at the spa, take a walk together, do some service together such as visit the nursing home.

Hi Sharen:

The worse thing you can do is seperate her from your child, she is a friend, treat her like one - ask her! Do not treat her differently, I am sure she is happy for you! I know I went through 8 years of infertility, shots, drugs, watched my best friend get pregnant twice while doing the same thing I was doing. I was happy for her and loved her wonderful kids! I was eventually blessed with beautiful triplets after IVF at Michigan Infertility Clinic in Troy, Dr. Fakih (the best in Michigan!) Keeping her involved and being part of your life, while showing support is the best thing you can do.

God Bless,

M.

It sounds like you have been friends for awhile, and if you are close then be honest with her, tell her you are here for her and want to help het thru this time but dont want to be bugging her or get annoying, if she needs to talk or vent let her know you are there and want to help, tell her how you feel about your son, dont make it sound like she has made you feel like you cant talk about him, tell her because of her situation, you feel bad talking about him. tell her its really hard, and in no way compares to her hurt, but you want to share stories about your son that make you happy with her but feel guilty and sad about being happy because she isnt able to feel that happiness , i have found that if you are honest and in a kind sensitive way tell how you feel, it lets the friend know how you feel and maybe will help you be able to help her thru this and you both can share, happily, stories about your son

I was never able to conceive - two of my precious Daughters are My Husband's from a prior marriage, and the youngest is adopted.

The day I came home from having a hysterectomy a friend brought her new little son and placed him in my arms.
She didn't say much - I can't remember anything but my heartache, and the look on her sweet son's face.

Don't worry about what to say , just be there.
No one can ever understand another persons pain -even if you have "been there"
We all have to live through our own grief , deal with our own feelings, and go through the whole rotten process of working it out.

Understand and forgive ---She may not always say the right thing either . Be yourself -the person she has always loved and enjoy your child !

Smile , be happy, cry with her , and just nod and listen !!!
I love you for caring so much !

A little background on me before I respond: We went through infertility on and off (primary and secondary) for about 14 years. I am blessed through adoption, IF treatment resulting in multiples, and a couple of suprises along the way.

I agree with so much below. It's important to just be there for your friend. You can't understand what she is going through, it's just something that is so intense and hits in such a hard way.

I did want to suggest another website that has helped me through some very difficult times over the past 10+ years: www.inciid.org There are many support boards, boards moderated by great IF doctors, and lots of information. It's a great place for people suffering through IF to get together and discuss things that IRL friends that haven't experienced IF can go. It's a "safe" place to talk about anything and everything without worrying that someone is going to say something like, "if you just relax", or "if you adopt you'll get pg", oh, the comments I've heard over the years!

I think you are a great friend to be sensitive, but remember, you have every right to want to talk about your child. They are a very important part of your life. You might just try asking your friend how she feels about you talking about your child. I had a friend ask me before, and it gave us a chance to really talk about things and find some common ground. Our friendship struggled for a couple of years when she really didn't understand how IF could really take over your life sometimes: between treatments, medications, appointments, timing everything...it just took over our days! Anyway, we worked through it and are really good friends still.

K.

I had fertility issues... we tried for 5 years before we got pregnant... in fact we were told that if we didn't have fertility treatment the chances of us having a baby together were slim to none.

During this time only a few people knew we were really trying. I have to say that having my friends accept that I was going through a rough time was the best support. I hated those people that said "well my daughter tried this", "have you tried relaxing","Oprah talked about..". All I needed was to know that my best friends were in my corner and I could vent and they would still love me unconditionally....then I had the energy to ask them about their lives.

I went through infertility for 3 years before my son was born. It was rough and it was hard watching my younger family members have children and friends have children but my husband and I got through it and eventually had a son. The best advice I can give you is just be there. If your friendship has stood the test of time this situation will too. We managed and still came out of it with all of our friendships intact. I learned to love children that weren't mine and to be happy for friends and family. I also talked very openly about my troubles with my friends and I let them talk about their kids.