Tough Conflict on Trying to Conceive

I would wait until after the 3m (1st trimester) to tell anyone. The emotions will be raw for her, but it won't be as difficult as if you were pregnant at the same time. I would also call her and let her know before a public announcement.

Also, if she happens to NOT get pregnant again before you do/deliver. Please be mindful of her feelings. Let her be as open or withdrawn as she needs to be. A cousin had a baby just before I miscarried. We then had a family reunion. The baby was about 2m old. Everyone was focused on the baby, but I just wasn't ready, and stayed to myself watching after the older ones. Someone then can over and asked 'why haven't you held the baby yet?'. I responded with 'I am happy for them, but I can't. Please don't ask again'.

Good luck.
M.

I do not think anyone expects the world to stop having babies because they lost one. If you do get pregnant, just be sensitive to her pain when the subject comes up. She will hurt, but if she truly loves you she will be happy for you as well.

I agree with Jen C. I have had 3 pregnancy losses, and with the first one, my sister was pregnant too. It did hurt. I'm not going to lie. BUT, I love my sister and I love the niece that came from that pregnancy! It was hard to be around her for a while after the loss, but time heals, and I was fine. She might be jealous, and that's normal. She'll still love you and be happy for you guys. I think that you shouldn't allow this to change your plans. Just be considerate of her feelings and everything should be fine. I'm sure it will help that you don't live close. Good luck!

I really don't think it should play a role in what your family has planned. While being understanding and caring is one thing, but it is not your fault or theirs and who knows, maybe they will get pregnant again quickly which can be somewhat normal and your babies will be the same age and grow up together.... so much fun for both of you. I would advise making sure to wait the first trimester to tell, just for your peace of mind. My mother was upset with how close my children were in age, but it was my family so she did not get to say...

I have several friends who have miscarried and then had full term pregnancies immediately after. It's very possible this could be your situation. And it's also possible that it could take you years before you conceive again as well.

That is VERY nice of you to love them so much that you would even consider waiting to get pregnant so not to hurt her, but don't. Yes she is hurting and she probably will for sometime, you can't wait until she is ok. I had two miscariiages and it's not something most people move on from quickly, but I would never want anyone to stop their lives or their family because of our misfortune. Besides you don't know when you will get pregnant so please don't stress and keep going with your lives and trying to grow your family. When you do become pregnant just be considerate of their feelings, especially hers, when you tell everyone and how often you talk about it in front of her. Im sure she will be happy for you guys, yes it will probably make her feel a little sad but Im sure she loves you and will find happiness in it for you guys.
On the worried about having a miscarrage side of it please try not to. The stress of it will make it harder for you to get pregnant and once you are its not good for you and it doesn't help. good luck and I hope things work out for all of you and your families grow together.

I think that it is perfectly fine for you to still try to get pregnant. You can not control your family planning around other people. Although if I were you I would wait a while before telling anyone you are pregnant. Like until you are 12 weeks or so and the chance of you having a miscarriage is low. Just so it gives her time to heal. Well actually i kinda had a situation like yours so this what I did. My older sister was trying for her second for 7 months and I had always said that I was going to try for my second when my first was 17 months. So the month before I started trying I called her and told her my plan just to let her know to be prepared for me to possibly get pregnant soon and I hope if I do that is doesn't upset her too much. She was glad I told her my plan. But that next month she got pregnant and 6 weeks after that i was pregnant. So It all worked out. Now I am ready for my 3rd and she is having marriage problems so again I feel like it would really upset her if I was pregnant again. I found out I was pregnant last week and decided I would wait to tell her until I was farther along....well over the weekend I miscarried so I'm glad i didn't tell her yet cause it would have upset her for nothing. So it is totally up to you and I know you don't want to hurt your SIL but you have to do what you want.

Your poor SIL! As sorry as you feel for her, it does not mean you should stop trying for another child yourselves. Even though she is sad, I bet she will still be happy for you when you conceive. She may feel a little wistful o even a little jealous, but I sincerely doubt she would ever want you to NOT try to get pregnant just because of what happened to her.

Everything will work out the way it is meant to. I am sure she and her husband will be trying again too, as soon as it is safe for them to do so. You just keep on trying and hopefully soon BOTH of your families' will have new bundles of joy in them! Best of luck to you and your family!

I say do what is right for your family and let the rest take care of themselves. If anyone were to say anything about it, your husband (since it's HIS family) could make it clear that you've been trying for a while because you didn't want to space the kids out too far. I'm sure that no one would be upset after hearing that, unless there's something wrong with them.

Miscarriages suck it's true, but it's not as hard as losing a full term baby after birth. It's tough, but it happens. If they had lost a new baby that had already been born, I could understand the need to not rub it in, but a miscarriage is a little bit different. I'm not saying it doesn't hurt, but the magnitude is different. Especially with such an early miscarriage. You have to balance things the best you can, and delaying to the detriment of what you want for your own family because of a very early term miscarriage in the family doesn't sound reasonable.

I hope you find the path that's right for you, no matter what you choose.

My opinion is this... you don't know IF you can in fact get pregnant easily.. just because you did it before doesn't mean it will happen again.. whatever your age. That being said.. IF you concerned yourself with others who are trying to conceive and base YOUR life on how those people feel, then you , yourself might be missing out on having another.... Pregnancy is fickle.............. and some easily conceive and deliver, while others have a harder time at it.. 8 mos in the BIGGER scheme of things isn't really that long, whereas some take YEARS..... I like the idea that you are sympathetic to your family BUT you also need to consider your own desires of wanting another child. I say don't wait, try now..... you can always show support to your sister-in-law.. but think about this for a minute.. .what IF she can't get pregnant for years , are you willing to wait that long and what IF... you don't conceive so easily or perhaps not at all.. my advice..... LIVE YOUR LIFE... as long as you don't tread on someone else. .. again, you can lend your support.. but everyone has their own personal journey... if you think about it. in a way, you are on the one hang being supportive but on the other, isn't your thinking also a bit self-centered to think that what you do in life will devastate your sister-in-law so much that she deem it hurtful? give her some credit, she may also be happy for you... even if sad for herself.. Things have a way of panning out.... one way or another..
best of luck to the both of you :)

I would hope she would be happy for you.

My cousin and I conceived a month apart and I ended up miscarrying. I still threw her a baby shower and was so excited I pull out all the stops. I was actually miscarrying again during her shower. We hadn't even told anyone we were trying again. Yes, I spent a few moments in the bathroom crying when she unwrapped her baby bedding and it was the one I had selected for "our" baby. (We always have similar taste).

I just found out I was pregnant again days before she delivered and I was at the hospital in the waiting room...when I started bleeding and knew things weren't good again.

She may have a few moments, but hopefully she will be able to be happy for you. She might even be expecting again by the time you guys are pregnant and you can be pregnant together.

You are so kind to think of her feelings...hugs!!

When you get pregnant, tell her privately that you are and that you are so sorry about her miscarriage. Then when you announce it to the rest of the family, she won't feel like salt is being rubbed in the wound.

Since you live so far away from each other, I think it will be okay. If she is upset that you get pregnant and she doesn't, that is not your fault. It is just life and life is unfair. I had infertility and the self-pity part of infertility is bad - as long as I knew people were sympathetic, that was good, but don't let her think that her life is harder than anyone else's because then she could just sink into depression rather than trying to get on with her life.

I agree with the other posters, do what is right for you and your family. My husband and I are the only ones who have kids yet (none of his brothers or sisters have any and we are the youngest of the "kids"). Anyways, we had 2 kids back to back and it was so hard, but so worth it. We started thinking about having a 3rd and everyone was kind of like "why would you want to do that... you already have 2" and my MIL made comments like "let the other "kids" have their turn giving us grandbabies and such. Well, both my husband and I agreed that it wasnt their decision on how many children we were going to have. Also, I do know my one set of BIL and SIL are currently trying and they didn't want to pregnant at the same time as anyone else. But, in the end my husband and I decided that this is our family and if we wanted to expand it, then it was our decision. We are currently pregnant with Baby # 3 and are soo happy about it. The extended family is happy for us too, but their comments will never be forgotten in my mind.

Good luck with the baby making plans!

Do what is right for your family. I just wouldn't make an "announcement" about it as soon as you get pregnant, give it 3-4 months and make sure your SIL has had time to adjust to her own situation. Also since it is your second one and trying to be as considerate as you can for them, don't make a big production about it. Yes, we all want to announce it to the world and share the exciting news when we get pregnant, but with this situation I would not make such a big deal about it.

While I certainly agree that it is devastating for your SIL to have lost her baby, that should have no bearing on whether or not you and your husband decide to expand your family. I think you should continue as planned, trying to conceive a second baby. Besides, as previous posts have pointed out, you do not know how quickly you will be able to conceive. Once you do, I would treat the situation delicately, and not inform any extended family about the baby until you are nearing the end of your first trimester. Your SIL may be hurt initially, but most likely she will feel joy for you and her brother. You may even talk to her about this once you have conceived, so no feelings are hurt. Until then, I wouldn't consider their loss as a reason to not try for your own baby. You can't build your life around what is going on in other people's lives. Best of luck! :)