Traditional Family Structure

Dear J.,

I was raised in the same type of environment where the mother stayed home with the kids, but to most of today's society Dad's are staying at home more often and loving it because they like to get out and do stuff with their kids and go to the different play groups. They love teaching their kids different things, some do get part time jobs so they feel like they are contributing, but they don't realize staying at home with the kids is a full time job in it self. I have just stopped working because I have twin boys that took up a lot of money because they were in daycare. I never realized myself all the hard work it takes to stay at home with the kids. You need a really strong support system. where the one staying home with the kids get at least one day a week to themselves to relax cause when you stay home you don't get that at all. The best thing to do is sit down and talk with him about it ask him what he thinks about the idea. That i sthe best thing you can do. Let him weigh the pros and cons of it and ppoint out that if he did stay home you might be able to go on the family outings more often cause you do save that you are no longer spending on daycare.

Hello, I know this struggle too well and I have finally bit the bullet and am working from home. I work only part time but it is the only way we can bring in some money while my husband looks for a job. It is really tough because I have had a lot of offers, but he has told me time and time again he admires that I am able to stay home with the girls and it would be too much for him to do. He does well with the girls but they are still a bit too young for him to be able to truly care for their needs, plus he does not have the patience that I have. He grew up in a family where mom stayed home too so it is definitely a pride thing. Until they can swallow that pride it may be difficult to determine what is best and though perhaps, it may make sense for him to take a part time job instead of a full time to help with the care of the kids. They are his kids too so he should have some responsibility in their care I think that is only fair.

Good news- and bad news --- some men LOVE to be home -- my father was born in 1885 ( no, that's not a typo---) --- so he had EVERY reason to be really old fashioned. Not him- he was a hard working, totally dedicated family man- and when our family doctor said ''Bill, either stop working outside the house or plan your funeral---chose ''''--- he looked at his 12 year old daughter ( me-- in 1957) and his 14 year old son- and stopped working ''outside'' - he cooked, cleaned, shopped, and got us kids off to school in the morning. He declined two household jobs: he wouldn't iron and he wouldn't clean out the frig' --- other than that- he did it - complete with yard work and car maintenance--- Oh we were SOOOOO lucky.

So, it's certainly possible ( not only did he do it-- he NEVER even ONCE hinted, suggested or acted as though he resented it- felt put upon or didn't like being responsible-- he was providing for us- and he did it with grace) -- however - -- here's the bad news------ I have to confess I'm a little less than optimistic that your particular spouse might be thrilled with the arrangement- what there is to do is discuss it with him---

Blessings,
Old Mom

It sounds like your husband "wants his cake and to eat it too" which just doesn't work in a mutually respectful relationship. If you are working full time, there is NO WAY you should be doing all the chores, child care, cooking etc and this will do nothing but cause resentment in the relationship. You won't be able to do it all so if you really want to work and he is not willing to stay at home or take part of the childcare responsibility, you really will have to sit down and work out an "equitable" plan of who does what job "chore chart" and how the daycare gets paid. I can tell you from experience that working opposite shifts doesn't work very well, especially if he really doesn't want to take on the caretaking role anyway. You will come home to tons of work AND you both will have no relationship because you will be ships passing in the night just shuffling off the kids. You may also want to think about how many children you really want to have in your present situation and be honest what isn't working for you. I went back to work when my oldest was 15 months old and my childcare plans fell apart totally, with me being totally unsatisfied with outside care which bordered on neglect so my husband had to shuffle his hours so he could cover childcare when I was working. The kid was fed, clothed, bathed and basically maintained and neither of us had the real energy or time to really enjoy her or even work with her special needs. Her development didn't improve at ALL between 15 months and 24 months, nine months later when I quit my job. She even regressed. Nobody was happy and all we did was fight about chores. Another year of that would have ended in divorce. Both of our careers hit the toilet because he couldn't look for better work needing certain hours off to care for children so he had to work really strange hours. My "day job" as a teacher suffered because I wasn't really into doing the best for each kid in my classroom because of the competing needs of baby at home. My year looked like survival strategy which was a sin because I had previously been a creative, caring, and invested teacher doing the best job possible. We finally sat down and decided what had to go. If either of us was to do decently by a career and we were going to survive as a family, ONE of us had to focus on the homefront, with chores, babycare, etc. so the other one was free to really focus on doing the best job possible in paid employment without being overly burdened by domestic chaos at home. That either meant me going back to work full time and husband staying home doing full time house care and baby care or me staying home doing the same while he worked. His job paid more than my job here in WA and there was a whole lot more room for advancement while I could make a very good liveable wage by going back to the Midwest as a teacher. If I had to support us as a teacher, we had to move out of here to a place with a lower cost of living and a better social safety net, places that husband really had no interest in living in. If I had to go back to work full time, I also made it clear that daughter #1 would be the only child. Because we agreed to have me stay at home, I was willing to have another child which I have cared for full time at home the way I think best. I also was home during the entire pregnancy so daughter #2 was born full term with no special needs weighing 9 lbs instead of like her sister, 5-6 weeks premature with developmental consequences that took over 2 years to correct due to my constant stress of being on my feet. This was a wake up call that no job would be worth having a child with birth defects, poor health or problems relating to prematurity, including a death. Both of us had to decide what was most important, the kids and focus from that perspective.

You might figure out the financial aspect of it before you address it with him. You know, "I've been thinking about this and did a little research. Turns out that if I continue to work and you stay home to take care of the kids and house, then we'll actually SAVE X amount of money, we'll retain our health benefits and the kids will have the benefit of having their father around more than most kids do." And if he agrees, then you need to sit down and figure out where the responsibilities lie - he would be responsible for grocery shopping, cleaning, laundry and cooking and you'd help out after work by cleaning the kitchen and helping get the kids ready for bed and on weekends you'll help out with other chores. Either way, it's a decision BOTH of you have to make TOGETHER. You can't force him to do it or he'll resent you.

He may be more open to the idea than you think. I also have a friend who is a SAHD and he wouldn't have it any other way and neither would his wife!

talk to him about it. As far as I'm concerned there are no "women's" jobs (other than actually birthing the baby) and there are no "men's jobs." Be completely practical and non-judgemental about it. You also have to let go and let him decide how to run the house. I think lots of talking about it is the way to go.

As a stay at home mom though, raising the kid is a full time job and takes most of my time during the day, so while I do the grocery shopping and cook (I like cooking) he shares the housework with me, cleans the kitchen after work. You should expect the same if you're the full time working person.

I was job hunting when I was pregnant and if I'd gotten the new job I'd have kept working and he'd have stayed home. I'm glad it didn't work out that way, but we were aware it was a possibility.

I would frame the topic as a woman's job versus man's job. I would approach it as, "what's best for our children?" If anything maybe would could try it out for awhile and see how it goes. If it ends up driving you both nuts, then explore other options.

Right now I am working while my husband stays home with our 10 month old son. He's been home with him since 3 months. It can be pretty tough on my DH that he's not the "bread-winner" and honestly, I think it's harder for men to take care of babies (I hope I don't offend anyone!). While I think this situation certainly can work, it has been really hard for us and right now my husband is looking for work and we'll likely end up putting our son in care.

Note: The last few months have been easier as our little guy is becoming more of a "person". Now that he can play and interact, DH is a lot happier.

No offense everyone, but I disagree with those who say "just talk to him openly about it". It sounds like he has a pretty traditional view of things so here's my advice - make him think it's his idea. Plant the seeds for this and then let him take it from there! I'm not sure how you could do this, but if you could pull it off it would work like a charm, guaranteed! Does he have any friends who he respects enough to take advice from? The problem is he may not want to hear it coming from you and he may not want to suggest it to you for fear of seeming "less of a man". Somehow, you could let him know that you would be open to it without coming right out and saying it. I know this sounds a little deceitful, but we all know how men are right?

If you want to bring it up yourself, I would go with the financial model that others have suggested as in "here is how this situation would benefit our family". If he is resistant at first, try not to be pushy or throw a fit. Just let it go and let him mull it over. He might just need time to digest it and then he may see that you are right?

good Luck!

When me and my kid's father were together we try'd this. he hated it, He'd make excuses to not watch our babies. He'd bring them to his mother's house. Who by the way smokes ALOT in the house and does not like me at all. She would'nt change my daughter. never held her and refused to feed her because "She can't be her son's baby,She's not a boy!" So as you can tell that did'nt work out. Well when we had our son we try'd it again. He did watch the kids for a while but when he started drifting away from the husband role with me I noticed it was putting a strain on our relationship. I decided to put the kids in Day care. Then we were both working Full time. the kids were picking up habits from other kids that me and there father did'nt agree on and we'd fight about day care. So it eventually became either I stay at home, witch I've never been able to do without getting depressed, or we split up. I decided to split with him and keep the kids in cay care. I know that this is a long response but here is my point. If the father is'nt willing to let you be happy and see if he can manage a household for your happieness then he's never going to. We do so much for our husbands and we deserve to switch lives every once in a while. So you'll have to make this desision on your own. Remember, Life desisions are "LIFE DEISISIONS" They are what changes are lives and makes us realize what we really want out of our lives. Put alot of thought into this. Trial periods are great but they could mean your life changing in drastic ways.

Hi J.,

When I am not sure what to do I always do a Pro's and Con's list. No matter what the two of you will decide what is best for the family.

Have you two ever considered a home based business??? I just started one 14 months ago and a lot of men are working in the company that I represent. I couldn't stand my son being raised in Day Care and I had a very demanding high paying job in Accounting and Human Resources.

I would love to talk to the both of you more to see if what I do would be a fit for your family.

M.

____@____.com

I realize that something that works for one person might not work for everyone else but here's what works for us. I work one day a week, in which I do billing and checkup on all of my office's employees. I can do in one day what I was doing in five afternoons. I get more money per hour for condensing it, and I only work on my husband's day off so he stays home with the kids, which is very valuable, especially for two little girls! Sometimes we consider me working his other day off too since time together isn't an issue for us, we realize that we have forever together and it won't always be like this. Maybe when our baby gets a little older I will. Good luck, and no matter what you decide you know what's best for your family!

you know, J., i've been thinking about this too. i was offered my full time position back at my previous job, which pays a lot more than my husband's job, and has full benefits, which he doesn't have. it seemed like the logical thing to do would be for me to go back to work, and him play the stay at home dad roll. the more i thought about it, though, it just wasn't worth it! i really liked my job, but i LOVE being home every day. i'm so excited to make all of my girls' baby food, and to teach them all their new things! my husband would NOT be as psyched to do all these things. he loves the girls, but gets impatient with them, and agrivated when he can't make them stop crying. some times a little extra money just isn't worth it if he wouldn't be happy here, and i wouldn't be completely happy there. good luck.

I have been married for 8 1/2 wonderful years. my husband has just gone back to school and we have had to change our lives around for it. But even before that I have worked nights. Daycare is crazy. I have worked off and on saying home pretty much every other year with the kids but for the most part nights were the only way we could do it. I just started working again and I'm doing nights. Yes, I get tired but, I get to take naps and, get to see my kids and husband too. We all can have dinner together (a must) and I can still read my kids bed time storys. I get home when they are all getting up they leave for school and I go to bed. I get up when they get out of school. (my kids are 5 and 8) If I were to work days I could only work part time. Now I get to work full time with more family time. My husband also helps out with the kids and house work. I am working on the kids helping around more. It's not as easy wih younger kids but do able. Good luck.
J.

It is so sad in this day that traditional roles have to be so challenged. Personally I feel that if a woman wants a career, she shouldn't have children. Careers and Children both require a lot of time and effort, and one will always suffer if you try to do both. Just my opinion. Women are just not the Superwoman they pretend to be - something WILL suffer.

I was working full-time with medical benefits when I became pregnant - a surprise because I have medical problems relating to conception. (I only have this one child) I ended up with blood pressure problems and came home to rest in my seventh month. Then I had to have a Caesarian delivery and we both got a very bad Strep infection. We were in the hospital 12 days. I was still feeling bad and healing slowly, but the OB doc said, "my wife - another OB doc - was back to work the next day after giving birth!" So he wouldn't tell my work I needed more time off. My husband was the care-taker of our daughter for a few months as he worked seasonal - which worked okay. But when my daughter was 3 months old she had a relapse of the Strep and ended up in the hospital another 12 days. I didn't leave her side. When my husband went back to work in the summer we found a daycare, but I cried every day taking her there. When she was 18 months old I couldn't take anymore - SHE was crying when I dropped her off - EVERY DAY.

I couldn't stand it any longer and quit my job. "I" needed to be a full-time Mom to my daughter. Everyone I knew thought I was crazy! Why would I quit such a "good" job?? My gosh!!! What is MOTHERHOOD if not a GOOD JOB??? We had enough on my husband's income to live well. My income was going to daycare!

A few years later, after we built a new larger home, I ran a Home Day Care. THAT was my kind of job! After 9 years of caring for MANY children, I told my husband I wanted a divorce. He had made me feel stupid and worthless for quitting that "good" job 12 years earlier, and I had found over the years that I was NOT worthless and I was good at being a Mom - it was what I was born to be. All those babies I cared for through the years were like my own kids, and I have stayed in touch with most of them.

Now, everything has changed. I ended up home-schooling my daughter, as I couldn't be in her school seeing what was going on - and there was a lot I didn't agree with! She went on to graduate from the University. I am remarried to a wonderful man who cares for me. He supports whatever I want to do, and makes me feel like a queen. I have worked part-time for ten years, just for a little extra, as my husband supports us, including my daughter - who has worked since she was 16 and pays all her own bills. She is a wonderful daughter and friend!

I would not change a thing in retrospect. Being a mother is the greatest and most rewarding job in life. Nothing can make you feel as good as knowing you have raised your child to be a responsible and good adult.

As i said before, this is just my opinion, and I respect you for your opinion, whatever it is.

I know this is a long time after you asked for this advice, but in case you haven't worked it out, I have a different suggestion. What about getting a nanny? With a lot of searching, you could get a nanny that has the same child-rearing beliefs that you do. She (or he) might also help out with cooking and cleaning. My sister-in-law works as a nanny for a family with 4 kids. They pay her an hourly wage that includes housework as well as caring for the kids. It sounds to me like neither you nor you husband would be happy staying at home, and working opposite shifts can be disastrous for a marriage, although not always. If you make decent money at your job, it might be worth it to get a nanny. You might be able to find a college student who could be your nanny in the afternoons while taking classes in the morning, or share a nanny with someone else (one gets AM, one gets PM, etc).
Good luck.
H. G

I would try to approach the situation at a different angle. I wouldn't look at it as a man's job or a woman's job. I would look at as a family job and the two of you doing what is good as a family.

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V. Nelson

My dh was stay at home for the last 10 years. He loved staying home but has begun this mid-life thing so has returned to work. We've been working opisite shifts for the last year. I do not like it at all. The kids are older now so they help alot. Now with another little one due soon I will be staying home. 10 years ago this was not an option. I was not able to keep up with home and kids at the same time. We are hoping it is different now, but if not my oldest (boy) has a similar personality to my dh. He is wonderful with children and does not feel unmanly about dishes. We will be able to use the three of us to work overlaping shifts so we are together more if nessassary. My family has challenged every role sociaty has put us into and come out stronger. The only thing my dh ever had a problem with was when he tried inhome daycare. Apparently that was too much for most mom's and he just wasn't up to pushing on that norm. Our mariage is still strong but the less we see each other the more we fight. We just don't understand what the other is doing all day and are both tired. But I have found out, if you are talking to each other and it isn't working, change it!

Currently My husband and I work opposite shifts. It is really difficult for him because he works nights so he has to go on less sleep than I do. We have been doing it for about a month and although we don't see each other very much during his work days we have a strong enough relationship to deal with this. Because he needs to rest and take care of the kids all day I do all of the cleaning and try to prepare his lunch etc. When our children were smaller and he worked this schedule I felt more resentful that I was taking care of the kids and all of the housework and working a full time job because we all know how difficult it is to have an infant. I don't know if your schedules would interfere with one of your sleeping schedules but I would definitely consider how much attention you will be able to give the kids in that situation.

My husband and I have always had the understanding that who ever made the most money. Was the one that went to work and the other stay home when needed (sick kid, Dr apt) I have always carried the health insurance, not possible to get at his work. When I wanted to stay home with our last child, we sat down and look at all that came into the house and what we paid out. With and with out my income, I found that even thought he was against me staying home. wWhen we look at it in black and with it was very different then what we thought. It seamed to help him with me staying home. Maybe you can use this to help you, but if he uses “I worked all day, I’m tried”, you mite want to do most of the list of with and with out his income, before you sit down to talk about it with him. He mite like working just as much as you do and wont give at all.