Trouble Among Tween Girls

K.,

It seems all the other Moms know why the girls do not want to ride with them. Why doesn't the Mom who's girls are talking "sex" know? Maybe then she can fix things. I don't blame the girls for not wanting to talk about sex yet. Maybe you can take the other Mom aside and tell her why. I certainly would want to know. Good luck!

I think it's time for the moms of the other girls to sit down and talk about being nice to people, and how to handle uncomfortable topics. I'm very disturbed that these girls think it okay to exclude two particular girls when involved of transportation - it reeks of a form of female bullying (which is usually acted out through gossip and exclusion rather than name-calling and fighting). What they are doing is just mean, and the parents and other members of the organization need to put a stop to it before it develops into something more. No wonder the mom of the two girls is frustrated - her children are being picked on.

I recommend that the other girls need to be told how to handle this sort of thing in a grown up fashion. If a topic of conversation makes the others uncomfortable, they should learn how to politely say, "This conversation makes me uncomfortable. Can we talk about something else?" If the girls persist, then the other girls could get together and say something like, "We really like spending time with you, but all you ever want to talk about is ____, and that makes us uncomfortable. Can we talk about something else?" Only if this doesn't work should the topic possibly be broached with the mother of the two girls. If the girls cannot find any other form of conversation even after their friends have told them it is inappropriate, their mother may need to be informed that they are a bit too precocious for their age. However, first, these tweens need to learn how to resolve this sort of thing themselves - without resorting to exclusion.

I'm not sure if you are the group leader or just asking as a mom of your own daughter.

If you are the leader, I would have a parent meeting with all of the parents without the girls present to discuss this and have everyone help brainstorm what should be done. If this is truley an organization that teaches self-esteem building activities, all of the girls need to find a way to stop excluding these 2 girls. You say you want some of that to seep through-- so the other girls need to stop bashing these 2 girls self esteem by excluding them. If they truely are bi-sexual, they will have enough people in their lives treating them poorly based on their sexuality, so if they are in a group with girls who are supposed to be a sisterhood, they ought to be able to feel comfortable around the other girls and vice versa-- So the parents need to brainstorm ways to talk to the group of girls about all of this and find even ground to make sure EVERYONE is comfortable.
You say these girls aren't homophobic, but I disagree. They aren't homophobic is a way that they HATE homosexuality, but they are PHOBIC in that they have a fear of the unknown. This usually comes from ignorance. For example, just because these 2 girls may be ATTRACTED to other girls does not mean that they will do anything inappropriate to any of the other girls in the group, and that needs to be discussed so that fear of the unknown can go away. If you are not the leader, suggest a parent meeting and see if the leader is open to the idea.

As a mom, you need to figure out what your own family values are and how you want to teach your daughter to treat others. If a girl did something harmful to my daughter or was mean to her, I could understand why she wouldn't want to be near that girl. But excluding someone because of their sexuality is not OK in my family-- any more than excluding due to race, religion, etc.

I would encourage the group of girls to remain friendly and inclusive, yet let them know that they absolutely have the right to ask the two girls to not talk about that topic because it makes them uncomfortable. I would also mention to the large group of girls that it may help the two girls not to feel attacked if they said "I have fun doing ___ with you, but I don't like to talk about that and would appreciate if you didn't discuss it in front of me". I personally wouldn't make my child ride in a car with someone if they didn't want to for whatever reason, but maybe if you can split the two girls up they won't want to talk about that stuff.

I am having a problem wrapping my head around this big time. If my 12 or 13 year old is talking about having sex, WHOA do we have a problem! Does not matter which type of sex!12 & 13 is way to young to be expermenting with sex, let alone to be coming to any major life decisions about who they are sexually! If I were in your shoes I would call a meeting with the two girls parents, and let them know what these girls are talking about. It is possible that the girls have this type of talk going on in their own homes. Kids do repeat or mimmick what they see and hear. I am also fully aware that most sexual preferences are not made by choise but born in preference. But I would let their parents know this is soooo unexceptable at this age. The parents need to have some serious talk time with these girls. For the other girls involved here, I agree with the other comments, They need to make it very clear, we do not want to hear or discuss this issue.

ok, just because these girls say that they are bisexual at 13, doesnt mean that they are having sex at 13. I admitted that i was bi-sexual at 13. it was horrible. i took a lot of bashing and distancing from people. But try being on the other end of it and having crushes on GIRLS and boys and not just boys. it is a horrible feeling. I think that its the other girls that need to have a talk too about acceptance. If they arent comfortable talking about it, then they need to just tell the other girls, "hey, its cool that your that way, but im not and its making me really uncomfortable." i am sure that would be enough of a slap in the face for them to stop talking about it at least.