Trouble Going to Preschool for a 3.5 Year Old

Is there some way you could stay and observe? Ideally when he doesn't know you're there? I would also speak to the teacher and/ or director to get their input.

What's the curriculum and classroom experience like? It might be too structured for him, or just really different from what he expected. Are you able to ask the teacher about what the day is like, so you can help your son understand more about what's expected of him?

Is he able to comfortably do what the teacher instructs him to do, such as cutting shapes, or naming colors, or counting or whatever the curriculum consists of? Or is he frustrated because he's unable to comply with the instructions? He might be misinterpreting "anger" for "correction".

When my son was in kindergarten, he rode a school bus. I walked him to the bus stop without fail, and met him there every single afternoon. One day, several months into the school year, my daughter had a lengthy medical appointment and I knew I wouldn't be able to meet my son's bus in the afternoon. My dad, whom my son loved and knew very well, offered to walk to the bus stop and meet my son, and he did. In fact he was there ridiculously early just so he wouldn't miss that bus' arrival. My son got off the bus and was ecstatic to see Papa, and they went and got ice cream. All was well.

Until the next day. The teacher happened to ask the children, in a discussion about transportation, how they get to and from school. The point was to talk about buses, cars, taxis, how some children take public transportation, some walk, etc. My son, when it was his turn, actually stood up and said "I ride on the bus, but my mother is never there to pick me up. It makes me sad." The teacher contacted me, and I was horrified. I explained that is was ONE TIME, and Papa picked him up and my son was happy. The teacher, thankfully, laughed and said that she figured it was something like that and said that it was very common for children to generalize, to take one experience and act as though it's the norm, or to take one change in routine and cement it into their heads as reality. I talked with my son and asked him about what happened. I reminded him that I was there every day, and he said "well, not yesterday. But I liked it when I saw Papa." In my son's immature mind, he had somehow turned "one afternoon when mommy wasn't there but Papa was" into "mommy is never there and I'm all alone and sad".

So you might just try talking it over with your son. Ask him what happens when the teacher is mad. What does she say?

I suggest you start going in to volunteer and help out once a week so you can see for yourself. My children's preschool teachers were firm but very loving and soft spoken. There was never any yelling/screaming. But it is hard to know if this is what really happened. It seems like he is uncomfortable there for some reason. Does he have any good buddies in preschool? I would also invite over a friend from school on a regular basis so you son can bond with someone. If you find that the teachers really are yelling at the kids then if it were me I would definitely change schools. My kids both LOVED their preschool teachers. That is what you would hope to have at that age...so I hope your son can get to a place where he is happy and comfortable and feels loved.

a screaming teacher thats getting mad at him? RED FLAG i would be spying on that teacher to see this screaming and yellling, if shes doing it a bunch at numerous students then i would stop sending my child to her room as she shouldn't be with children. there is always a better way to get thru to children and screaming and getting mad is not the way.

as for the occasional sad face, that parts normal. my child plays fine but rarely talks in school. i had several conversations with his teacher and the teachers aid to make sure everything was normal and he was not an intorvert due to being undersocialized when not in school they both reassured me that he was normal and that i had nothing to worry about. (he will be starting 1st grade in the fall.. eek hes growing up so fast!)

Not saying that a teacher screamed or got mad at them - no.

If my child said that, I'd likely be talking to the director - "My son mentioned something the other day - just wanted to ask you about it ..." and go from there. You don't have to make accusations. You have a genuine concern. You pay this place, so I'd be asking.

Resistance and some tears at drop off - we have experienced that. I had one that never liked drop off - the whole time he went to daycare/preschool. However, he'd also want to stay at the end of the day - so I knew he enjoyed it. I found not rushing at drop off - helped. It depends on the kid. I didn't linger (that's bad) but I made sure we had time to get his coat off, get his bag hung up, that I said hello to the teacher, that I waited for the teacher to come greet him and his little friends.

If i had to drop and go - he felt stressed. So I just figured out what would make it easier for him.

I would talk to them though. Otherwise how will you know? I hope it works out :)

You have to find out whether the teacher is really yelling and screaming (a huge red flag) or whether he's just not getting his way and the teacher is firmly redirecting him. You need to observe (if you can, and from a discreet location) or ask the director to sit in and observe. Asking the director to take a video of your child if he is being obstinate or having trouble with transitions will help you see what is really going on. I agree with Doris Day that no teacher is going to admit yelling at a child or do it in front of a parent. But children can exaggerate a teacher being "mad" when it's just that there are expectations of him participating in the group activity, stopping snack time and going to circle time, perhaps using the bathroom and being told to wash his hands, etc.

Many kids have trouble being dropped off and then acclimate fine in 10-15 minutes. It may have nothing to do with the teacher - maybe it's just separating from the parent that is a problem, or even another child or a beginning routine that your child doesn't care for. That's why it's important to observe (or have someone else do it) after an adjustment period to see if it persists.

This is so common.
Kids that age often have trouble with transitions.
I'd say most kids will cry for 10 or 15 min and then be over it and go on to have a great day.
In the schools/daycare s where our son went - many had windows that parents could peek into without their child seeing them.
In every case, where a child was crying when Mom or Dad left, within a few minutes the crying was over and the child would play happily with friends and toys.
It really makes you feel better when you don't have to feel guilty for leaving them when you know the crying just doesn't last very long.
The secret is to not prolong leaving.
Arrive, put things where they need to be, give a quick hug - and leave quickly.
Staying around and trying to make them feel better just makes everything so much worse.
Soon you'll be faced with crying when you pick your child up - because he wants to stay longer to play with his friends.
Again - it's a transitional thing - and they all do it.

When our son first started preschool he was having issues with listening to the teacher.
We couldn't figure it out.
Eventually we discovered that he thought the teacher didn't like him and he felt if she didn't like him then he wasn't going to listen to her.
We had to explain to him that no one starts school knowing all the rules and the teacher has to tell everyone what the rules are - it doesn't mean the teacher doesn't like anyone.
We explained this to the teacher - who was surprised - she had no idea he was feeling that way - and we suggested that when she has to correct him that a hug and a 'make friends' moment right afterward might help - and she totally understood!
It made such a big difference!

I don't know if a teacher is yelling all the time or not.
There's usually more to the story than what the kids tell you.
I've learned I have to listen to all sides of a situation before I decide what to do about it.
For instance, our son would complain that a boy just grabbed a ball away from him - which makes it sound like the other boy was rude - but our son completely left out the part where he had grabbed the ball from the other boy in the first place - which make a big difference in how things actually happened.

You said you changed his school - did he like preschool previously?

If he previously liked preschool, the classroom he is in may not be a good fit for him. Is there another classroom for that age group? Is it possible to move him?

I had a similar experience with one of mine. He had been in daycare/preschool since 12 weeks of age, and (once past the separation anxiety stage at age 1) had always gone with a smile. Then, he moved into the 3 year old room. He started crying every day at dropoff. When he couldn't adjust and talked about the teacher yelling at him, I talked to the director. He was 3 1/2, and there was space in the 4 year old room, which had a more soft-spoken teacher. The director moved him up to the next class. He was immediately happy again.

FWIW, my older child had the same teacher when he was in the 3 year old room and loved her. I saw her in action frequently, and I don't think she actually yelled at the kids. But we have a quiet house and she had a naturally loud voice. Because of the difference, she and my 2nd child just didn't click - it was intimidating for him. These kinds of personality mismatches sometimes happen, and you can bring this to the attention of the director without accusing the teacher of anything inappropriate.

If teachers are screaming or yelling, they will not tell you that is going on. They won't do it in front of any parents either.

If your child was in elementary school, I would take the "screaming" bit with a grain of salt. But your child is not really old enough to making these excuses. I really would consider finding another place for him to go. If he says that they yell at him there, then you will know. But I really think that the teacher is the problem.

As far as crying when he is dropped off, that is normal. Lots of kids do that. That wouldn't bother me. The part aboutthe screaming and his teacher getting mad at him does. The teacher should be calm and loving, and it doesn't sound to me like that is what kind of teacher your child has...

My kids really liked preschool though they only went for three mornings a week, 9 to 12:30.
Is he in full day?
Is this day care or is this optional?
I mean if he really doesn't like it and it's not day care (because you're working) then why send him there anyway. I'd hate to spend money on something my kid's not enjoying.
If you DO need daycare for him then maybe look into some other options. Not all children enjoy being in a "center" some do better with at home care, or a nanny.

If you have to work you have to have child care. If you are a stay at home mom taking him to a pre-school program there's a difference.

If you have to work then you have to figure this out. Go talk to the teacher. Ask the director to help you have a quiet place to visit with her where the kids are not present. Ask her what she thinks will help him open up, she's supposed to be the one with the experience and know how to manage her classroom.

As for yelling. I am loud. I can be heard outside when I'm just talking loudly. Soooo, if he thinks she's yelling at him specifically you need to lead into that while visiting about him being withdrawn. See what she says. If the director wants to visit with your son then please allow this. He might now feel okay with you sitting beside him. He might not want you to know if he's not doing well there.

As for mornings. Can you get someone else to drop him off for a couple of weeks? If not then take a step back and think about your drop off time. If you are taking him to class, saying bye then turning around and leaving then you might have the director or other staff meet you at the front and they take him to class.

You can't give in and say or do anything that will feed the beast, as in reinforce to him that if he's upset or cries that you'll stay longer, even if it's only a moment. He understands you have to go to work but he also knows if he cries and acts out you will hug him again or say "I love you" one more time. You can't give in.