Trouble with 14 Yo Girl

Pull the TV and computer from her room! And I'd suggest some family counseling to get to the heart of the matter.

Some of it is just attitude, but I'd have a hard time with that attitude myself.
Let's address one issue at a time.
Black clothes - not a problem as long as they are clean, well maintained, don't violate any school rules and she's not running around half naked all the time.
Phone (I'm assuming cell) - if she's not paying for it, it's a privilege not a right. No cooperation from her means no phone for her.
TV and computer in her room - they need to come out. Bummer if she doesn't like it. And if TV and non school computer use becomes a problem they have these wonderful things call plug locks:
http://www.familysafemedia.com/powerstop_power_plug_lock....
She doesn't have to like her little brother, but she has to be civil. He's a 3 yr old child and does not understand her hostility toward him. Most likely she's pissed she's not the center of attention (and some teens INSIST on being the center of attention).
Get over worrying about whether she hates you. She's going to hate anyone who attempts to place some well needed boundaries in place.
If she adores her Dad so much, why isn't she living with him and his wife?
Does Dad want her? Maybe he should have her. It might be good (and a wake up call) for both of them. 4 years till she's 18. It's not too early for her to start thinking about her exit plan because it's coming up faster than she wants to think about.

Back off mom! You say there is so much more, but I'm basing my response on what you said.

You really need to pick your battles, especially with a teenager. You should not be obsessing over what she chooses to wear, unless it's really sexually inappropriate, which is not the case from what you say. The schools usually have dress codes, and it sounds like she is within reason. Why can't she wear all black? Why do you want to teach her to care so much what other people think? That is really unhealthy. It sounds like you are more worried about what people will think about YOU because of how your daughter dresses. I agree, she should have an acceptable level of hygiene, but unless you can actually smell her, don't bug her about her hygiene.

Most teenage girls only stay in their rooms and watch tv or play on their laptops these days, and it is quite common for 14 year olds to never smile at their parents. You have to be patient for a couple of years, and start letting her be herself. Stop putting her in some box of what YOU want her to be.

If she's talking to her stepmom for an hour, what's wrong with that? It's better than having sex calls with some guy. Hopefully the stepmom is the good influence you seem unable to be these days.

Back off on how she looks. I can't imagine ANY teenager not rebelling over mom insisting they SHOW HER THE CLOTHES THE NIGHT BEFORE, for god's sake. She's not 4 any more.

Tell her you're sorry you've been micromanaging her appearance, and get off her case, and you might start seeing a smile now and then.

I would hate you too if you harangued me about my appearance constantly, and I'm an adult.

If her father has a stable home, I would consider having him and his wife take temporary custody of this troubled teen? If things are as bad as you describe it seems that all concerned would be happier.

Additionally, I suspect your teen may find the grass is not always greener and her father's wife (of whom she is so fond), will get a full dose of just how badly a spoiled rotten teenager can behave.

On the other hand maybe your former husband will have more control over your daghter and lay down some house rules so she will learn to respect her parents, perhaps appreciate you and the home you and your husband provided from a distance, and maybe even miss her little brother a tiny bit.

I wish you all the best.

Blessings.....

Don't worry about what she wears or about what "other" people will think about her. In fact, go buy her a black Tshirt with her favorite bands on it! And then tell her you're sorry for stressing about how she dresses, that you and her just think about clothes differently. Hopefully, after that is smoothed over, tell her you love her, you miss her, and you want to do whatever it takes to make your family whole again. Remember, she didn't ask to be in this situation and she doesn't automatically know how to cope with things. I think the four of you need a weekend away together - like camping or something. Go in her room, sit down on her bed and ask her what she's watching. You are the adult and she is the child and if you want a relationship with her, then you have to create it .

You are the mother - lay out what your expectations are for her - write them up:

1) Treat family members with care and respect....
2) Dress in a way that she shows respect for herself....however really if she wants to wear all black...whats it hurting?
3) X amount of time spent with family
4) X amount of time spent on homework
5) Remaining time available for computer/phone/TV - but this is a PRIVLIDGE and if items above are not done...no privlidges.

Move the TV and computer out of her room so you can monitor.

IF she doesn't follow the rules have consequences that are NON-Negotiable. Break a rule loose phone privlidges for the night - no TV or no computer or phone. Since she will then have free time....she can replace TV time, etc with chores. (have a list ready for her to work on)

Layout your expectations in a crystal clear way - write them on a poster board. Layout the consequences for not meeting your expectations in a crystal clear way.

Here is the parenting style that I follow and it is working - called love and logic - it actually works. Here is there book about parenting teens they have - you can order online from their web-site or get it from your local library. Good luck.

http://www.loveandlogic.com/ecom/p-145-parenting-teens-wi...

You write a lot about what she does, but not much about how you respond. I think you need to step back, take adeep breath, and consider whther there are really any consequences for her actions.

If she is rude or unkind to your son, do you punish her? If she is on the computer or tv too much, do you make her shut it off? Do you limit her time on the phone and enforce those limits? It sounds like she is running the show right now. Kids need security and consistancy whether they like it or not.

You can't force her to liek her brother. And you should not force her to take care of him. But you can force her to be kind to him. It also sounds like she is in some need of family time in terms of going with Mom to get her makeup done or taking her brother to the amusement park. Engage her in making dinner with you. She may complain about it all, but who care - she needs to feel like her involvement in the family is wanted and expected.

Also try to get involved in her interests without criticism. There are lot of opportunities to say no to her, make sure you are acting like her opinions are interesting and count. Watch American Idol with her or whatever she cares about and don't act like it is silly - validate her. Don't criticize her clothes or makeup unless it is clearly tied to her behavior. Focus on her behavior and not how she looks. But insist on baths.

Ask her if there is an activity she want to try - guitar lessons? modeling class? photography? karate? And then make a big huge fuss about all of it. She sounds bored and undirected.

What does her father think about all this? Does he see the same issues?

PS - Just read your update. I know it hurts you. But you can't let hurt feelings make you walk on eggshells around her. Tell her you love her. Tell her you want to make her happy. Tell her that she hurts your feelings, but it won't make you stop loving her. And then give her consistency and boundaries where it matters. And try really hard to embrace the things she likes.

This is a prime example of how divorce hurts kids. Some kids weather it just fine, some, like your daughter, use it to drop out of society and become a victim. I agree that maybe having her live with her father would be the best thing to do right now.... anything to help her get out of this rut and thrive. She was the "only" child for a long time, and she seems very immature and still wants that same title. Talk to dad and let her go there if you can. Teenage girls can be a mess even in the most stable household situations, so this really isn't that extreme. Mother/Daughter relationships can get pretty hairy during the teen years. Do not beat yourself up, as it is most likely going to cure itself when she "grows up". You two are probably a lot alike, and that's why you can't get along with each other right now.
Let Dad try to get her out of this rut, nothing wrong with stepmom having a close relationship with her either...... your daughter just needs someone she CAN respond to. Do what's best for her and for yourself. Don't make drastic changes in the rule enforcement, do it slowly and surely.
I also agree with the poster that said she might need some type of extracurricular activity, a sport, dance, etc. Ask her what she would like.
She may also be falling into that new and horrifying computer dependence syndrome, so she doesnt really know how to act in social situations because she spends too much time doing it online. You might want to take the laptop away altogether until you see her make some changes at home.
Do not be afraid to PARENT her, this is what's going wrong with so many family units. You are the mom, you are the boss, use it!

.

Maybe you can talk to the step mom and find out some more "info" about your daughter and what is going on in her life.

Honestly, I don't see what the big deal is about wearing black? I have, since a little kid, always loved to wear black. It makes me feel good. I am 28 now and still love to wear all black. I don't think I look goth or whatever - but I guess she is 14 so I think I would back off that issue. The showering part is important though. Maybe set up a schedule of some sort that every other night she has to shower??

Good luck!

I'm sorry you are having difficulty with your daughter. I think divorce is so hard on kids, even when it happens when they are so young, and it is all they really remember. One big thing I noticed in your email is that you said she stays in her room with her tv and laptop. It is my opinion that it is a huge mistake to put those things in a kid's room. Or any bedroom for that matter. If you want family community, you need to set up your house to function that way. If everyone has their own little lives in their own little rooms, why do they need to be with the family? Be purposeful in your decisions. If you want a certain outcome, work towards that outcome, don't just float in your decisions hoping that everything will work out how you want. They usually won't with that technique. What do you want? Now, how do you get from here to there? Those are the hard questions that will probably take hard steps to achieve. But, not impossible. Have one tv in the house, if any. The tv is a tool that divides families. Keep computers in public places. Not only will it lead to more social interaction with each other, it will protect your daughter from herself and others on the internet. She will probably be furious at first, but she'll get used to it. And, demand, require, expect civil relationships from everyone in the house. Do not tolerate her rudeness towards her brother. Period. Have a meeting with her and discuss the changes that you plan on making, letting her know that the reason is that you want unity, joy, peace in your home. Take time to do fun things with her. Embrace her, love her. You can overcome this. Have you read the book, The Heart of Anger? You might find some tidbits in there that might help you also. Blessings!

I think, like others have said, if she wants to wear black, let her. Wearing pants two days in a row? Yay...less laundry. If you forbid the black clothes, she'll want to wear them more. If they really bother you, compliment her on them, or start wearing black yourself...she'll decide they aren't cool anymore :) Just a note...others have mentioned that she might be depressed. There was a time in my life when I was, and I felt like black was all I could wear because that's how I felt. If you back off on telling her what to do all the time and try to talk to her about what's going on with her or spend time with her doing what she likes, she might open up a little. Good luck.

You said that you keep trying to set boundaries and rules. Well, stop trying and do it! You are her mother. It's your job to make sure that the rules are enforced. Chances are she resents the baby because he's yours and your new husbands. She might feel like you don't have the time to spend with her. Or even that you love the baby more than her because he is your with your current husband.
The all black thing isn't a big deal. Neither is wearing the same pants 2 days in a row. Showering and wearing deodorant is a big deal. If she's telling you that she doesn't care, maybe she genuinely doesn't. I'm betting that it's just a rebellion thing though. My little cousin went through this same stage when she was 14. She rarely showered, didn't care what clothes she wore, never brushed her hair. It drove her mom absolutely INSANE. The rule was she had to shower every night before bed. If not, she lost a privilege. If you want your daughter to spend less time on her laptop, take it away. She may use it at the kitchen table for homework assignments only.
I really suggest that you talk to her though. Have a real heart to heart. The teenage years are like walking a minefield every day. Hormones are out of control, they're starting to find their own identity and style, the need for independence is at an all time high. It definitely sounds like she needs some reassurance that the baby brother hasn't taken her place in your eyes.
Do you get along with the stepmother? Maybe you can talk to her to get some perspective about what's going on with your teen.

The bad treatment of her brother is the main problem. The TV and computer in her room and excessive use is the main impediment. Take both out and severly limit use. If she doesn't like it she can move to her dad's. If she is mean to or ignores her brother she loses screen time. Enforce the rules. Forget about the black/dirty clothes and not showering or wearing deodorant. Plenty of Europeans do this and come out fine. She will grow out of that or stop when too many peers call her goth/smelly. Don't worry if she seems to hate you. She will appreciate you someday if you are firm with her today. I would not limit her phone conversations with her step-mother. If she never smiles she may be depressed and may benefit from seeing a child psychiatrist.

Good examples of screen time rules are: No TV on school nights, limit to 2 hours on weekends, 30 min of screen time on school nights except for homework, one hour on weekends, all out of her room, and she can spend as much nondigital time in her room as she wants. Also she can talk to her mom on home phone so you can take away her cellphone until she is civil to her brother. Believe me she will not be the only kid she knows whose cellphone was taken away.

S.,
I haven't read the answers that you received, but the first thing I would suggest you do is get counseling for both of you. Just the two of you alone, without your husband for now. You need to find out the reasons for her hate. The only way for you to help her and help yourself is by seeking help for both of you. Maybe going to your church and seeing if they offer some counceling there might help. Maybe seeking professional counceling if you can't find a good church to help you out. But you need to get to the bottom of this.
Other than that, I would suggest you pray, not just for her but for yourself as well, for God to give you the wisdom to deal with her and understand where she is coming from better.
You are in my prayers.
Blessings

Resentment of your son comes with the territory of being a blended family. At 14 she is asserting her independence so set the ground rules and stick with it. If you don’t want her wearing all black then don’t buy those clothes or allow them in your house. If you want her to spend quality time with the family set limits on when the phone can be used, where the laptop is kept and she SHOULD NOT have a TV in her room. (Even if things where perfect in your house)
I have always required our 17 y/o to spend an hour of family time (not to include dinner) and at one point did have a TV in her room until I realized that she would isolate herself to her room playing video games and watching TV (why do kids need to come out of their rooms if we’ve given them all the amenities not to?) We limit TV viewing to an hour a day unless it’s the weekend (my daughter will graduate this year and has thanked me for this rule because it made her be creative and occupy her time with other interest)and since I remarried I now set up “dates” with my daughter to spend alone time with her and they have become more frequent since we’ve added 2 more children to our family.
Remember it’s stressful to raise children, they will not always do what we want, act like we’ve “taught them” and will assert their independence in whatever they have control over. This is normal, all we can do as parents is continue to guide them. And like others have suggested talk with the step mom cause your daughter has a connection to her.

I'm not seeing any serious problems. I see a normal teen. Who cares about the clothes? So, what if she wears pants twice - I do, and I encorage my kids to do that to. If she's wearing black pants every day, are people really going to even notice if they are the same black pants or different?

As far as spending all her time in her room - normal. You can't force her to have family time and be pleasant. It's just not going to happen. I would have family dinners but I wouldn't force anything else.

Since she already has a computer and tv, I wouldn't take it away unless there is a specific reason. I would make sure I had full access to the computer with passwords, and let her know that you will be checking it. If you find questionable stuff, then remove it.

Why can't she go live with her father, if that's what she wants? It sounds as if she has a good relationship with her stepmother. Give it a trial run for a year. It could be best for everyone.

I'm a step mom and a mother and can understand where you are coming from completely. I was also a terror while growing up and it was over my parents divorce.

What I will tell you is that my daughter is the same with the clothes. She is very goth or emo style but in my days we were called rockers. I don't mind the all black thing because that is not the worst thing she could do. As far as the wearing clothes over and over... just tell her that you don't mind that she is wearing the clothes but to wear them every other day or wash them at night. Telling her no to her style is gonna make her more mad at you. She will have to learn on her own how kids will treat her over it. She may even be having social issues right now at school. She clearly wants to be different and that is ok. But she also is mad and needs your rules to be more about respect for you and the baby, computer and school than over the clothes.

Being a step mom I'm on the other end of the spectrum...I'm the one who is hated by my step daughter. But my own daughter is very close to me and is the goth one and loves rock. She does good in school so I don't get on her case. But if she wants to wear something over and over I make her wash it at night.

When I was young I caused so much problems.... I hated my mom and dad. I was upset about their situation and how it got that way. I hated my mom trashing my dad and stepmom. HATED IT!! Because it put me in a bad spot to choose which I did not want to do. If you are making snyde comments about them stop right away. Like, your just like your father, why are you always talking to HER....that kind of stuff. not cool.

I would reach out to step mom and get over your dislike for her. Maybe not your ex but his wife. Try to put the dislike and hurt aside. Now is the time your kid needs you. She does not need your adult drama or opinions about them.... you should make nice with your ex and his wife if only for your daughter's sake as you will lose her over your anger for them. Tell the step mom that you are concerned about your daughter and was hoping she could advise you since they talk daily on how to make amends with your daughter. It may feel horrible doing that but we have to make choices for our kids and stop being so petty... it is what it is.... people move on.

Once you can get a break through just apologize to your daughter and tell her you love her and are worried. You are not judging her.

I would, however, get a keyboard stroke kit that you can watch what your child is up to on the computer. I never allow the kids to be in their rooms with the computers.... I figure if they can be on the computer in the family room then they are not trying to hide anything. I would not restrict her clothing just tell her to take showers and make sure the clothes are clean. She is probably depressed as what you are explaining are signs of depression. She is definitely jealous of the baby. Have a mom daughter day... go to a concert ( her fav band), a show, out to her favorite restaurant or the mall.... try a little harder to relate... remember when you were her age.

I hope I have helped a little. I wish you lost of luck!! Its a difficult time. Putting emotions into words is what she needs right now.... Good Luck

She is acting pretty normal for her age. Don't worry about her clothes - that is a minor battle - encourage her to be herself. Her piers will let her know if she is gross.
She probably feels that you love little brother more than her - that's normal too. Surely you have to spend more time with him because he is much more demanding - remind her about that and how nice it would be if she could help you out for a few minutes while you are cooking dinner or something. Maybe she could take him in her room and show him www.sesamestreet.org or www.beyondthebackpack.com for dora and diego stuff.
Our family went through the same thing - I finally sent my daughter to live with her father. After 1 semester she decided that home was a much better place to live and moved back. While she was with him I went to visit (alone) and took her to Goodwill and assorted thrift stores to get the awful clothes that were popular then and did some fun mother/daughter stuff that she would never do with me at home. My kids are all adults now and are best friends - there is hope. Just remember - choose your battles carefully.

I'm surprised by the multiple responses that said just send her to her father! I'm not saying she shouldn't live there, but I think it would hurt her more if you just up and decided...I can't deal with you go live with him! So, just my opinion on that, but hopefully if that is a decision you make, it will be her idea not yours.

14 year olds are tough. I didn't want to be seen anywhere in public with my mom at 14 so of course she doesn't want to go out with you, especially to the movies!! I'm sure you're hurt and I know you're trying, but as others have said, kids really do crave boundaries. I second the Love and Logic info, you'd be surprised at how amazing it is, even with teenagers!

As far as computer time, etc. I don't think she needs to be on there more than an hour (for non-school work) during the week. On the weekends, maybe more. She probably shouldn't have a tv in her room either. I think you need to institute some family times...possibly dinner or breakfast, whichever works...maybe even both. You also maybe should pick one night a week or month where you all order pizza and watch a movie together or something, even if she doesn't want to. You can force her to do family time, you just can't force her to be pleasant. So, I'd start with a little forced family time (like meals) and go from there. Hopefully she'll start being pleasant on her own! ;)

As far as her dad and stepmom...I think you're going to need to swallow your pride and work things out with them. My 14 year old neice plays one side against the other all day long b/c her mom refuses to communicate with my brother. he tries and she puts up a brick wall...a 14 year old is smart enough to figure out that that means more game playing for her. Plus, if she's talking to her step mom every night it probably means she has a good relationship with her and she's getting something from her that she isn't getting from you, and that is not necessarily bad. We all need people we can talk to that aren't our mother. I feel you should try very hard to embrace the step mom and figure out why she feels such a connection to her.

This is so tough and when it comes to our kids there are no easy answers. I feel for you. As a mother I now realize the torment that I put my own mother through when I was this age and I feel horrible about it! So, shoot, maybe in another 15 years she'll feel really bad! ;)

what she is going through it totally normal. I think all kids have a dark stage at sometime in their life. I remember mine, i remember my sister going through hers. It seems like girls are particularly susceptible to it. just watch roseanne when darlene goes through it. it happens. Unfortunately, i think it is just a bitter part of life that you are doing to have to wait out. maybe try getting her a journal or a lap top to write in, that always helped me. possibly even get her some black clothing or dark colored clothing that you think it still relatively nice looking. being in her room is ok. I have always like my privacy and she likely likes her too. i didnt have a younger sibling at her age, but i did have a niece that lived with us. As far as staying out of her room, just start a daily amount of chores that she needs to do and that she expected to eat meals with you. she will get out of it eventually.

Don't let your children rule you! If she wants to wait in her room until her ride arrives ... her new ride will be the bus! Wake her up nice and early around 5 A.M. to ensure that she has PLENTY of time to get ready. I see so many kids that think that they are "in charge" of their parents. Give her a wake up call. Take her T.V., laptop, and phone away. If she hates you now, she'll get over it later. She'll want those items back, and it will change her attitude.