Trouble with Blended Family

You are allowing a 17 year old to win by moving out. He is almost 18 - that is when you can put him out. Try more counseling. Just because the first one didn't work doesn't mean another won't. This discipline may need to come from the father. Ask him to step it up a notch.

C.

I think I have some help for you. Here's a web site that has tons of articles about helping kids who are defiant and disrespectful. The author is James Lehman who was a defiant child himself but is now an MSW. You may have heard the ads on the radio. We bought the program and it's great. They use specific helpful words and ideas They provide a hot line number too. However the news letter is free.
http://____@____.com I know it's terribly hard but there is help!

S.-

I just wanted to reach out and tell you how sorry I am to hear that you are going through this. Holy cow! I can't imagine what you have been through and what you are going through to come to a decision like this. Moving out, while I could certainly understand your desire, is like giving the power to your step-son and saying that he won. Personally, I wouldn't want to do that...ever. You are his step-mom. Like it or not, you are not going anywhere. His father has *chosen* you and that you are back-to-back with each other.

I know, it's probably easier said than done and it sounds like your husband isn't home enough to take this stand and that this is complicating things even more. Is there a way that the step-son could live with his mother or another relative? I mean, he only has another year and then he could be out on his own. Could you stand it for another year?

Just some thoughts. I wish you the best in this situation and I hope that you and your husband can work this out without you leaving. This doesn't sound like it will help your marriage.

Best wishes.
N.

Been there. My daughter is 16 1/2 and her "step-dad" (of which we have been together since she was 8 do NOT get along. Ever since she became a teenager their relationship has gone straight south. I made the decision to move out w/my daughter of course thus, my life is much less stressful at this point. I wish there would have been another alternative and yes, we too tried counseling. I don't know if it was the smartest move in the world but I can tell you it has been a blessing for me so far. Best wishes.

Hi, S.. I just had athought. Our therapist said that sometimes kids channel their anger on people who around them, but they not nesessary hate those people. May be he is frustrated that "his" father is not around much? And then, maybe, younger brother seems "more privileged" to him? You are there all the time so he spills all the anger at you? Hang in there, he is growing up, he will find his way soon and you will be free. In a mean time, encourage your husband to be a "better father " for him. And also sometimes it helps to tell kids the hard truth, like "I know you are upset about something , but there are a lot of people who have even less, or who do not see their fathers at all", or whatever you find appropriate. Teach him to not worry what others can give him, but what he can give others.
Do not leave. For what? So you can separate and then your little boy can become someone else's stepson?

Hello I am so sorry for your families confusion and I think this is a very brave move by requesting assistance from momsoure. I also "had" a blended family. If you notice the quotes at had. The understanding of marriage needs to be addressed between you and your spouse. NO ONE including children should come before or between spouses this is biblically accurate. Your husband have to step up and become the head of the house and you must demand your respect from the children you are caring for and raising. Weather your spouse is at home or not ground rules of the house shoild be so clear it would appear that he was present all the time. Is it more going home than you are expressing between you and your husband? If not this area can be resolved if your husband man up and get your home in order. Under no circumstance you should have to leave your home because of a child's disrespect! He would have to go and stay with a relative or his mother if possible. have a final coversation with your son along with his father and let him know your way or the doorway! You are the adult demand your respect and do not walk around on egg shells in your home if there is an issue that need to be addressed do so he should not be allowed to recieve special priviliges because of his hormonal issues. I will pray for your family and hope you seek the Lord for your guidance. Read the Word it will give you strength and guidance!

It sounds like the 17 yr old needs counseling and a father. I would suggest that your husband and his son go to counseling together. It seems likely that he in some way associates you with changes in his life and he is likely grieving for lack of parental involvement. You don't mention where his mom is. I am not sure that moving out is a great solution but some attempts to intervene with this young person to address the hurts that he must be feeling seems like a better option. A child or adolescent child psychologist such as Dr. Dana Flynn Schneider or those at the Smart Love institute might be helpful. Also a different approach regarding parenting style called loving regulation may improve things. But likely intensive intervention is needed first. The book Unconditional Parenting by Alfie Kohn and Smart Love by Martha Heineman Pieper and William Pieper would be good reading. The very best of luck.

I just want to make this observation: The problem does not seem to be with your stepson, but with your husband. If your husband is not dealing with the situation and he agrees you should move out, then think of who he is choosing.

It may be the best thing for you, personally. I'm not being judgmental about that - it's for you to decide what you want to do. But when the solution to a problem is for YOU (who, we assume, is not creating the problem) to move out, spend the money to start your own household, etc., then there are many more things that are wrong in the family than an unruly stepson. Might your stepson be an excuse for a marriage that isn't working? It sounds like you know the answer to this.

Good luck!

I am raising my kids with a stepfather. We have had issues with disrespect with MY daughter. He told me that a counselor once told him that your children grow up and move away and then it is just husband and wife again. So you should stick together and wait it out. He is right. If you have heard everything and tried everything, I am pretty sure you won't listen to me, but here I go...I cannot believe you would move out over an issue with a 17 year old. Who is the adult here? Life is not all about getting positive strokes. Sometimes life just stinks and there is nothing we can do about it. We just do our best and hang on. This kid sounds like he is reacting to some pretty poor parenting from his birth mom and his dad. And now your bailing on him too. Instead of making his life better, you now are assigning the blame of a broken marriage upon him; as if he needs more problems. I agree that your husband needs to grow some bone in his spine (where the macaroni currently lives), but you need to grow up yourself. You should set rules, set consequences for infractions, follow up and follow through. Give the kid a break. You may be the only person he has that even seems to care about him. Love him to death, and in the event you can't... act like you love him to death. I promise you, you will never regret it.

did you get family counseling? I am sorry your getting your own place- he must be happy thinking he won. where is his mom in this picture? how about military school? I dont know. For me- my husband and I tell eachother "Its you and I against the world" and we mean that with our children as well.

I am sorry. My family was not a blended one. But the teen age problems you are haveing... I went through in spades. I don't know if you call it a blended family.. My husband and I wound up haveing what we began to call "drop in" kids. Kids whose folks either kicked them out, weren't around for them or in one case.. didn't get along with the parents..parents called police.. and police dropped her at my door for safe keeping. I call them the kids that adopted me. But what ever....
During the time my own kids were teens we had a lot of problems with both my own kids and some of the drop ins. Drugs entered the picture..and gang ..wanna bes.mostly..
I fought for the future of my kids like no other.. with very little help from my husband. I worked nights full time..and tried to run a house hold daytime. Some of the wanna bes..and drug addicts robbed me.. and some were my salvation. But I got beatten a few times by one of my own kids in an effort to make them tow the line. I understand where your "it's him or me " attitude is coming from. I was a lucky one. I lived...and so did my kids.. and now that they are adults.. they are sober, wonderful adults..and they love me and respect me. Those years were HELL. I am not always sure how I got through them.. but I am sure glad I did. I'm a Grandma now. and if you want a heart to listen to you.. or someone to maybe help you make better desisions by haveing a sounding board to bounce ideas off of.. let me know. I am .. for now.. a happy mom of 3. And the adopted mom of a few more..that still call me mom..and still call me from time to time. And I truly pray you find yourself the same way some day. Take care.
A..

Hi S. - I just wrote you a pretty long response, which then disappeared from the screen, and I don't have the time or energy to try to re-write it all again now. Maybe it's best that it disappeared since I really had no advice for you. I just wanted to let you know that you are not alone and to explain a little about the hell I have gone through with my stepchild who was a 13-year-old girl when I met her and her father, and who is now a 20-year-old man (but that's another topic).

While some might react with shock or disapproval at your posting, I for one do not since I have walked in your shoes. My husband and I (always at my urging, not his, since we were never on the same page about his daughter) tried everything - e.g., counseling with and without her, sending her away to a ridiculously expensive summer "boot camp", and having her live temporarily with another family in our city - but ultimately our blended family disintegrated, and neither my husband nor his child now live with me and our 3 small children, the oldest of whom is 5. My guess is that there are many marriages and families that have suffered, sometimes irreversibly, at the hands of an angry and out-of-control stepchild combined with their parent who has failed to "step up to the plate" and maintain order and respect in the home.

I am very sorry for your situation, and I will keep you in my prayers. Please post an update if there ever is one.

S.,
You are in an interesting situation. I can't say that I don't understand. I grew up in a "blended family" and live one now. I have a "step" brother that was stealing, into drugs and VERY dangerous. My mom and dad would have him arrested put him in hospitals and rehabs till they were BROKE! I watched what that did to them. BUT they stood their ground and by 8 AM on his 18th b-day his things were packed and on the front lawn right along with him. They are still together and he didn't win. Now on a personal note, my husband and I were faced with a similar situation. I had enough of the double standards and my husband not stepping up to be the father he should have been. My son has now gone down a bad path and I still love him. I met them when he was 2 and he is now 17. As I was getting ready to walk out that door I thought about all I was walking away from. My husband I love very much. my new HOME and my life to start all over again.

I looked at my husband as he sat there crying that I would leave over this and told him, HE makes the choice, either he is a father to his son and step up to the plate and be my husband OR we didn't have a life together. If I walked out I wasn't coming back. The idea that you would leave over this 17 yr old who will be old enough to go live in the real world soon, then what come back? If you really wanted to be married you wouldn't be leaving. That may not be true but it's the impression you give. Don't turn your back on him but you also have the power to make his life a little difficult too!!

Does he have a car? Does he pay for his own ins, gas, payments? Does he have more than the needed items for life? My 17 yr old has to pay for her own clothes and her own lunch at school. Yes she has a job to pay for it. my kids don't have the nintendos and the computers in the room or the cell phones or any of those other things UNLESS they follow the RULES! I have gone in and stripped my daughters room for being disrespectful! All she had left was her bed, dresser and clothes. Cut off the money if he steals it from you have him arrested! If he takes your car, report it stolen! If he's out late, change the locks and don't give him a key, tell him the door is locked at ??? time, if you aren't in the house then don't come home. It's called tough love. It's YOUR house! Make that clear to him. And of course you both need to follow thru! Trust me either he will leave on his own or he will straighten up. Teens aren't easy! This kid sounds like he has a lot of issues. If you care about him let him know you love him. IF you never really cared for him FAKE IT! Tell him it's time this household work together! Either he is a team player or he isn't. He get's to choose! But stick to your guns!! I wouldn't move out if you are just waiting for him to move out at 18. That just lets him know he wins!! Remenber, there are kids out there that have far less than he has! And your husband and you have the power to make him appreciate what he really gets from you!

Your husband has to be the one t set the ground rules with your step son. I have a great step son thats 15 and a daughter thats 16 months. Im not sure how your step son is with you or with his brother but have you put yourself in his shoes? Above you stated that "decision for me to get my own place until this kid is graduated and moved on". That tells me a lot in one sentence. I'm not sure how much you feel like he is yours? Maybe somethings are there that you might need to be the adult and bigger persn and not move and give up. Remember it's easy to mve out but the hard road is the right road even if it's hard to go down! Good Luck! Dont give up on him like it sounds his dad and everyone else has.

I find it very troubling that you feel your only option is to move out. If you move out this young man will get exactly what he wants and thats the power to never respect you!!! I find it even more troubling that your husband agrees with this decision for you to move out? When you enter a marriage it is for better or worse, and I think the worse thing for you to do is move out. Where is his mother? Is it an option that he go and live with her? This young man needs serious counseling and fast. Can you imagine the power he would have if you moved out? You have to realize S., this young man will always be a part of your lives due to him being your husbands son, wheather he moves on to college or not, he will still pop in and out of your lives without respect for you. He needs to learn respect and except that he will not win this vendeta he has against you. You and your husband must unite, and demand that he respect you as his step-mother, if not he (not YOU)can get to steppin!! Make a stand S.! If you do move out--move on, because the problem won't be fixed it will always be there, and you will soon begin to feel resentful, becuase your husband didn't support you. Whatever decision you make God bless you and good luck. :)

Where is the mother? Has she passed (which would account for his actions) or has she deserted him? It's the fathers job to set this young man straight. His own son should be more important than his job. You just need to let the boy know that you are NOT trying to replace his mother and that you will be there for the boy if he needs you; in the mean time, a little respect would be nice. He can't feel deserted by everyone and it sounds like someone has dropped the ball during the raising of this child. Good luck stepmom.

Hi S.,

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. :( It seems to me that family counseling is what would help you all. Maybe your son has challenges of his own right now and needs his father around to talk with. I think moving out is absolutely the wrong decision. He needs to learn that you love him and as the parent will be there for him to help him through this difficult time. Unfortunately, running from the problem will never make it better. As long as you are married to your husband, you are still a mother figure to him (and even if you are not married...you still have a relationship with him). I wonder why he and his brother are living with you and your husband as opposed to their biological mother...could this have some impact on his relationship with you? I really feel that you as a parent figure need to help understand him and what he is going through to try to get him some peace. I would guess that you are not the root cause of his problems. You are just a symptom. :( I also worry about the other son...what does your leaving do to him? His father is not around a lot and his older brother mistreats him.

I hope that this helps. I have had experience like this as the child of a somewhat similar situation. I never think leaving is the answer. It doesn't help your relationship with him and does not teach him how to have solid, healthy relationships with other people either.

Take care..my thoughts and well wishes are with you and your family.
K.

Teenagers, aren't they lovely. I've been thru the teenage hell years with my kids and it's time for you to stand up to this bully. It sounds as though Dad either isn't around or just doesn't want to deal with it so unless there's another family member willing to take your stepson on it falls to you. If he's physically abusive he needs to go by any means necessary, 911 works. Don't you dare move out. It sounds as though it's time to rock his world, if he wants to stay in YOUR home he needs to know he has to follow YOUR rules, write them out along with the consequences, if he mocks them - stand firm. Have you packed his bags yet?? Don't let him see you get angry, don't let him see you cry, bullys feed on this.
I took away everything in my sons room when he was 16 (a delightful age) except for his bed and clothes, no phone, no stereo, no computer, certainly no car privlages - nothing. he had to earn them back - I was DONE!. I was called every name in the book, things were thrown at me, threats were made but I acted the robot- I never yelled back never cried in front of him. it was 6 months of hell but he came around and still to this day apologizes for his behaviour. Maybe you need to give Dad some consequences too. My heart goes out to you, good luck.

hey i went through the same thing with my mate and 17 year old son. we tried counseling for us only, didn't work. we needed family counseling and a better therapist. my mate moved out for the same reasons you want to leave. it takes more than communication. it takes participation on eveyones part and in order to have that all parties must be WILLING. teenagers are going to be challenging, their coming into their own and want to now voice and exspress their oppinions,and indiviuality, they're muliplitive, they will play one against the other to achieve their goal. they'll play the victim.it's expected, their teenagers, doing what teenagers do. well sweetie everyone involved is the victim. if papa isn't willing to do family counseling and/or give you the support you need then yeah go ahead and leave, but keep this in mind, just because youre gone and waiting on that kid to get grown and gone for things to get better, think again, the issuses that weren't addressed then will be an even still issue when you decide to come back.

What is the moral foundation of your home?
My family wasn't 'blended' when I was growing up, but if we did not follow the rules in our home and respect our parents, then we had one option: to leave and find somewhere else to live! How is it that you are married to your husband, but your and his child (stepson or not) has the option to be disrespectful and now YOU are moving???? Is your husband married to you or to his son?

S.,

I have not been in your situation -- but I am a single mom and have found dating to be difficult at times. I personally do not think you should move out. I know it is hard -- but moving out is giving him the control and dividing you and your husband. There is a book called smart step families that I have read and I know there is a local church that has a class and support group around this book. It might help you. My sense is that the division is what this boy wants and if you and your husband want to stay married you should try to work around that you are not divided. Your husband may need to step up more and be home or show him he expects a certain level of respect for you regardless of your step status. Just like he would respect a teacher or a parent of a friend.

LINCOLNS CHALLENGE look it up they have a program that starts in January....