Trouble with Toddler Eating and Sleeping

Re your response to Margie G and "other comforts" the fact is (or was, at least for me) that there are no other comforts that satisfy like the boob. Of course there is discomfort when that is stopped. But that's just a normal part of parenting isn't it? I was also a long time, on demand nursing mom, but I wasn't interested in nursing them into kindergarten, so of course there were some tears as we adjusted from boob to story time. And I really didn't stress about food, because even when it felt like they were barely eating they were still thriving and growing. I also LET my kids nap in the car. We were a family on the go! There was no way I would wake a napping child. If we got home after five minutes of sleep the kid stayed in the car, windows down and in the shade or garage of course. I think you just need to relax about the food stuff, stop trying to make naptime a perfect routine and possibly start weaning. He is miserable because you a trying to make him adherent to your predetermined schedule and expectations. Just love him, feed him (as much or as little as he wants) and LET HIM SLEEP. The whole family will be happier for it.

His eating habits are fairly normal for his age. He's not "growing like a weed" like he was as a baby, so he doesn't need as many calories. I tried not to worry about it at that age. I would just offer food. If my son didn't like what I offered, I tried something else. I didn't worry too much about what he ate as long as it was healthy - fruit, veggies, peanut butter, yogurt, etc.

You mention that he's miserable throughout the day. That usually means he's thirsty, hungry or tired. So if you've already tried a drink and something to eat, he's probably tired.

If he's falling asleep in the car, what time of day are you trying to go out? It's very common for kids this age to fall asleep in the car, but it's very common if it's in the afternoon. Can you adjust the times that you go out? Or can you let him nap in the car? Will he wake up if you carry him inside?

"Every time I think we have things figured out, he throws a curve ball." That's pretty much parenting in a nut shell. Kids grow and change. It's just not something you can prevent, so you have to try to find a way to go with the flow and not get freaked out when your child doesn't want to follow your plan.

I think you've gotten it in your head that your child is weird. Maybe his personality is different from your other child (children?) or just different from other kids you've known. While that's very likely true, your 2 year old is very, very normal. So stop trying to fix him!

He's not following the sleep/eat pattern that you have in your head, so the schedule you've tried to impose on him is not working. If you go back and reread the answers to your earlier question about sleeping, you'll find that several moms tried to tell you that, and you poo pooed their comments. But there was some wisdom in those answers.

In your other post you said that you don't see any signs of him being tired, so you impose your own sleep schedule (which he fights).

Crankiness is a sign that he's tired. Try to catch him before he gets too cranky, but when you start to notice it, drop everything, grab a book, pull him onto your lap or take him to his bed, read to him and get him relaxed to fall asleep.

Falling asleep in the car is a sign that he's tired. If he falls asleep in the car, if at all possible, leave him there to sleep. If you're running errands, consider which ones involve drive thru's. Maybe get some lunch or a drink and park under a nice shady tree and read your book while he sleeps (one of my favorite excuses to just sit and read a book!). Or drive home and let him sleep in the car in the driveway.

You have to learn how to let him sleep when he is ready to sleep and not when you want him to be. You have to learn how to adjust your routine to his sleep patterns. You have a very overtired 2 year old. The only way to win this one is to let him get some sleep.

I can't tell you when to wean. You and your child will know when you are done nursing.

But no 2 year old needs to eat at night. No 1 year old needs to eat at night either, barring medical issues. So this is about how he self-soothes and calms himself down. He is using you, and my guess is, he's not eating all that much. He will not starve if he doesn't eat at night. He will eat during the day.

Get some books and/or talk to your pediatrician about how vital it is for a child's brain development to have good sleep. I cannot believe this is good for him. I realize it's late to implement a change because he is very set in this routine, so what you do/don't do will not take in a night or 3 or a week. But you cannot keep changing routines. That's confusing and unsettling.

So, decide if you want to nurse. If you don't, stop. If you do, it cannot be at bedtime or at 4 a.m. Someone else needs to put him to bed, not you. Dad, Grandma, babysitter - anyone who doesn't nurse him. Set aside some time when you just are miserable for a few days or a week, but you establish a new routine. Change your appointments so you don't cave in due to exhaustion, send your other child to Grandma's if you worry he won't sleep either, trade off shifts with your husband - but this child must learn to sleep and must learn to eat at sensible times.

You see it yourself - he is miserable. He is exhausted. This is affecting his development. It's up to you to make changes so this doesn't continue.

I agree that he absolutely needs healthy fats to sustain him. Cook chicken in olive or coconut oil. Add avocado to toast or dips. Switch to whole milk products and no low fat. And stop feeding him at 4 or 5 a.m. He can go back to sleep or he can scream, but breakfast and out-of-bed time are not until a decent hour that you set. He screams, he gets the breast? Not at 2. Put a small assortment of sensible foods out at each meal and snack. When that's done, he's done. If he's fussy, bring out sensible foods again. No junk. At 2, you can start to say, "Oh, you are so happy when you eat a good meal" and stuff like that.

he sounds like a challenging little fellow, but maybe if you try to step back from managing everything he'll feel less put upon.

start to replace nursing with warm full fat milk. he clearly needs the fat and calories, but he doesn't need to get them from the breast. go slowly. be patient with it. but don't be the food police.

you also don't need to manage his sleep. which is good because you can't. but you don't have to get him up in the night. you can give him water instead of nursing. and for the love of all the gods, stop waking him up when he DOES fall asleep.

you can encourage routine and set a rhythm, but if you've got a stubborn individualist. if you are trying to make him eat and sleep on demand, you're setting yourself up for a childhood-long battle.

it seems to me as if the lines in the sand you're drawing are in the wrong places. your breast is not the Ultimate Solution while you're placing parameters around what else he eats and when he's allowed to sleep. be more firm about nursing and more flexible about the other stuff.
khairete
S.

Personally, my first was a bit like this before he was off the milk. I had weaned but he was still having a bottle at nap and bedtime, and would wake at night. I got him off before 2, but until then - he was waking at night and not eating properly.

When I got rid of them, he went from being baby like to a child and it all fell into place.

I developed other comfort routines for him instead of milk based. They all slept way better and ate much better also.

Just my experience.

ETA:

I think you need to rule out any health issues (ears checked, colds, etc.) to make sure he's a happy camper otherwise - and no reason for him to be waking. When you say 'miserable' I just want to be sure he's not got some underlying reason (health) to be miserable. If he's just tired and cranky, then it's time you just let him find his own natural rhythm for sleep, naps and food. Boob is just not cutting it nor is over-scheduling him as the others have said. He's a child now, and if you back off - he'll figure this out on his own.

Comfort for our child was a sippy cup (water) which he quickly rejected (but I gave it to him so he was the one to reject), and he was so tired he just went to sleep. By two, he gave up the naps. He did konk out in the car and we let him. THere's that natural stage where they do that - and we just opened the van door, parked in shade and let him (them) have that 15 minutes. Often, it was at end of day on drive home. It got them through day - and we just put bedtime back a bit.

We put them down for bed when they were exhausted - barely keeping eyes open. It wasn't a set time. Then there wasn't this need for us to comfort them to sleep. They were naturally wanting bed. There is a huge difference if you do that. They actually want their beds.

Remember to look/follow their cues. That's the whole point of letting them self soothe. It means not being reliant on mom, dad or boob to soothe.

I loved breastfeeding so I'm not knocking that. I loved that my children found comfort in me. But I hated that they 'needed' me to go to sleep. I only made that mistake with my first. You can still comfort him by reading, etc. just earlier. We would read and cuddle then let them play quietly for a few minutes (or they could look at books in their bed) until they would just konk out.

I think your SWH is perfect! I have to remind myself of this all the time. I have 2 kids and, while they really do have a lot in common, they are two very different kids. What worked with my oldest sometimes works with my youngest but not always. It's usually my first go to, but I do find myself reminding myself, "Not the same kid!"

I don't think breastfeeding has anything at all to do with any of this. There is just so much scientific evidence of the benefits of extended breastfeeding that I think the negative comments below are completely off base. If nursing no longer works for you, it is perfectly ok to stop. But you are not doing anything wrong by nursing your son, and you are not causing any of the current problems by nursing your son. He is most likely nursing more often when he is overtired. At 2 years old, nursing has very little to do with being hungry.

Could be he's hanging on to nursing beyond when he has much use for it.
He's not happy but doesn't know how to let it go.
You're unhappy but aren't sure you want to stop.
2 years is a pretty good nursing run - it's ok to reclaim your breasts as your own.

Try mashing up some avocado for him - he'll be less hungry if he's getting some healthy fats into his diet.
Fats will keep him from feeling hungry whereas carbs (sugar, starch) will get his insulin jumping up and then down - which creates an awful hungry feeling.

If you make up a smoothie for him add a little olive oil to it.
If he's drinking milk - make it whole milk.
Let him chew on a piece of bacon every so often.

When ever he starts feeling cranky - it's nap time - no matter what time of the day, no matter how often.
In fact, lay down with him and grab a siesta yourself.
You'll all feel a lot better.

He's 2 and he's nursing. He seems to prefer nursing to eating. I think that you are setting him up for real eating problems later by allowing this.

He needs a full belly of food that takes longer to digest than breast milk. Instead of nursing 3 times a day, start substituting with food. He needs to get in the habit of eating.

Until you get him to start accepting food as his main source of nutrition, you will continue to have this problem. Nursing should be about comfort now. At the point you can get him to eat more, give him cereal with breast milk in it before bedtime. (Then brush his teeth.) That will help him sleep while he is growing.

You received some good answers so I will just add about he falling asleep in the car. Two things: 1, the motion of riding in a car puts many a child (and adult) to sleep so plan your errand running according to his nap schedule. 2, I ran errands after youngest's nap in order to not interfere with it. Go places post nap.
Do you give him Gerber baby foods? I ask that because maybe he will enjoy the flavors & textures better? They have awesome fruit choices.

Margie G: How did you get your child to accept other comforts? Ds#2 has only taken comfort from nursing despite our best attempts.