We had a miscarriage on May 31, and had had sex the night before. It was the only time while I was pregnant that we had sex during the pregnancy and he is convinced that he caused it. I have told him that sex doesn't cause miscarriage, but there is no changing his mind. He REALLY wants another child and so do I, but we are going to wait a couple of months to start trying again. My problem is that he now says that he will be "scared" of me when I'm pregnant again because he doesn't want to lose another one. Obviously, he is being paranoid, and I know that he feels guilt about it but I don't want him to feel like this. AND, I want to have sex when we do get pregnant again. Do you think this'll pass or should I do something different to convince him?
Thanks ladies. I'll take him with me to the o.b. I think his problem is that he knows medically speaking that it's not him, but just a mind thing that he can't get past.
Get any pregnancy books and google it. You will have LOADS of articles about how sex is not a factor. Only if you are at high-risk and are having issues with dilation, pre-term labor, etc. will the doctor tell you to abstain. He didn't cause it!
Have the OBGYN talk to him...also like the prior post suggested, google it...find books...it will take time, I am so sorry for your loss.
sorry! I've had 1 ectopic pregnancy and 3 miscarriages so I know how this feels - my husband blamed himself after one of the miscarriages because we'd had sex. I had more blood tests than I can count and severl fancy scans and ultrasounds to find the cause of the serial miscarriages - nothing. My husband had blood work done and he was fine too. I was obsessed with knowing WHY - to the point that when my infertility specialist told me nothing was wrong other than possibly stress and my age (39) I burst into tears, much to his amusement. I was crying in spite of the GOOD news that nothing was wrong and I didn't need surgery -etc.
I bought some books on miscarriage and between the books, my midwife, my OBGYN and the specialist I can tell you for sure it was not because you had sex.
Now for me - there comes a point in the 1st trimester that the thought of sex made me nauseated - I couldn't stand bouncing or the smell and kissing made me feel claustrophobic - but then the 2nd trimester kicks in and yeehaw giddyup cowboy! My hubby refused to have sex once we had the 19 week ultrasound and knew the gender and he saw the image of a human in there - no longer a peanut shaped blob. He felt like he was intruding and that we weren't ALONE. TEE HEE!! He wouldn't even fool around when I was preggo with out daughter " that;s my little girl in there!"
Oy!
Hang in there - I still have the books - would be happy to mail to you if you think they'll help.
I would plan on him coming to one of your doctors appointments, perhaps the first one after conception, when they do a sonogram so he can see it too. Then, during the dr appointment time, have him be in there also and have a list of 5 questions that you want to ask your doctor. One of those questions (that you ask) should be whether sex is ok. That way, he can hear your doctor tell you that it's ok... Your hubby can then go to the waiting room after you've asked your questions if your doc need to 'look at stuff' and he/you doesn't feel comfortable being there at that time.
I would have him go to an OB appointment with you. Perhaps explain to the OB in an appointment prior to this that your husband is afraid of it happening again because he thinks he caused it. Between you and the OB the two of you should be able to ease his fears. And if not, just give it time. Once your pregnancy is progressing well, he may not be as afraid.
Good luck to you. I hope you are pregnant again soon and have a happy and healthy nine months :).
Bless his heart. I am so sorry for your loss.
My husband would have reacted the same way even with all of his knowledge about the human body.
Just love him and let him know that if he will study with you, he will see that miscarriages happen far to often and intercourse has nothing to do with it.
Have a doctor talk to him.
The SAME thing happened to us and my husband felt the same way. Once we got pregnant again, he was very leary of love making the first 12 weeks, but after that he was more comfortable with it. So try to understand where is coming from. Sorry for your loss. I hope the best for you...we were blessed to get pregnant within two months after the miscarriage.
Hopefully this will pass over time. But I think he is just a bit paranoid because of the coincidence of having sex and the miscarriage. Maybe you can have a doc talk to him and tell him that sex does not cause miscarriage? You can also look up research online to convince him? I haven't done alot of research but I am pretty sure sex does not cause miscarriage. My husband and I had sex up while I was pregnant, up until I was 5 months pregnant because it was too hard to do it because I was getting big.
Good luck.
50% of all pregnancies naturally abort - in other words miscarry. Most happens before the pregnancy is ever known, but miscarriage is the body's way of letting you know the child was not able to survive the pregnancy.
I am truly sorry that you're having to go through this emotional rollercoaster.
But, it's definitely not his fault. The cervis and uterus are SO protective of the fetus during pregnancy. It just happens to be coincidental.
The recommendations to have him join you for appointments with your OB are the best so you both can understand the medical explanation and, hopefully, reduce your future fears.
Well I would say. This the perfect time to get educated together so that you both know all of the DO's and DON'T's. And has parents you will have to make decisions together for the reat of your life. He did not hurt the baby at all!! IT IS NOT HIS FAULT!! Sometimes if this is your first ime PG it just happens this way. But don't let this stop you from the want or need to have a family. And I would also say let him read all the ladies responses.
I think you should abstain for the first 3 months to make him feel better. I know he didn't cause it. But your doctor can totally put his mind at east after that and the miscarriage threat will be past. It's more fun in the 2nd trimester when you don't feel so gross anyway :)
tell him I had plenty of sex when pregnant I had 2 live births and one miscarriage cause by a uti. not the sex. did the doctor tell you what caused it? it could be something simple like a bladder infection, uti, or kidney infection. tell him it is usually something medically wrong that causes a miscarriage and get a clean bill of health by the doctor before trying again. so you don't lose more than one.
