Trying to Get Daughter to Go Back in Her Own Bed- Please Help

I am a grandma to a wonderful group of 3 little boys and my daughter-in-law has found the glow in the dark stars to apply to their ceiling so at night when they go to bed they can see the stars. Just a suggestion.

Because of her age, you are going to really need to be dedicated to your decision. Make sure you have a consistent bedtime routine, very calm and relaxing, bath, teeth brushing, stories, talk about the best part of the day etc. You need to train her to go to sleep on her own, so that when she wakes up in the middle of the night (which we all do) she can get back to sleep on her own. If she is acting scared, try to figure out what it is she is scared of. I know some kids have monster spray or fairy dust or a flashlight etc. My son recently started sleeping with the closet light on. We have no idea why he is suddenly afraid of the dark, but we figure the light isn't hurting anyone or interfering with his sleep, so why not. If she has gotten used to your presence when falling asleep I suggest the chair method. Start it next to her bed, then slowly move it farther and farther away and eventually out in the hall. It may take her longer to fall asleep this way, but at least she will learn to do it on her own. Don't talk to her or engage her at all. When she gets up in the middle of the night, no matter how difficult it is for you, you have to walk her back to her room. No conversation, just put her back in her own bed and then leave. You may also want to move her bedtime earlier. If she is overtired she will wake up more frequently and sleep less soundly. It will also be more difficult for her to settle herself down. There is whole other method, but you may feel like it is too harsh. You can put her in her room and leave her until she falls asleep. If she keeps coming out, walk her back and don't engage her. Keep doing this until she gets the point. I know someone who even put a child proof handle on the inside of their kids door and closes the door so they can't get out. I know that would tramatize my son, so we didn't do that, but it worked for them. The harsher methods tend to work quicker, but it depends on what you feel like is right for your child. I know we have gone through stages with my son about sleeping in his own bed, but they have all been short lived and after an illness. Right now sleeping with you has become a habit, and you just need to break it. It usually doesn't take as long as you think it might, as long as your consistent and don't back down. Even one time of letting her crawl in bed with you and you will have to start all over again. Good luck.

Our family practices Co-Sleeping it is really quite common throughout history and used daily in many cultures. I would suggest the book "The Family Bed" Before you make any harsh judgements just read the book then make an informed decision based on the facts and research provided. Today our American culture demonizes anything that has always been pure and natural. My children come and go as they please we never kick them out of our bed. They always know they can find security and saftey with us. My second eldest son has always been very independent and chooses to sleep alone. But in the mornings he climbs into bed with his older brother and they both go through phases of sleeping a few nights with us then sleeping for longer periods in their own beds. My third baby boy is currently sleeping with us every night and has since birth. In fact I have never even owned a crib. Our boys just got twin beds and started sleeping in them as they grew. They wanted to try it on their own around 4 years old for my oldest and 2 years old for my second son.
My advice in a healthy sound family is to open your bed until your child is secure on their own (IT WILL HAPPEN Trust me!) and let them come and go as they are comfortable. I understand about the sex issues and this is all well covered in the book I recommended. Let me know how it works for you.
K.

There are two things that always work - consistency and incentives. With my twins, I told them (as part of our bedtime routine) that if they stayed in their beds all night, they would get a "treat" in the morning. I hadn't even really detemrined what that treat would be, but they seemed intrigued enough to comply. Turns out, it was a few M7M's (yes, only 2). Now, when they stay in their beds all night (which is most of the time) they get up and first thing ask for "2 treats". They really don't get much sugar, so I figure it's an esay fix.
If you don't like that idea, you have to do what everyone else has advised - set the expectation ahead of time, and then follow-through - EVERY TIME. Make sur eto keep a bedtime routine. Then tell her she needs to stay in her bed all night. The first time she gets up, you HAVE TO get up and walk her - calmly - back into bed. The next time, same thing. she'll eventually get the picture. Do this on a night when you know you can most afford to not get sleep, to start, because the first night wil be awful. But it WILL get better. Good luck!

If it was okay for her to sleep in your bed before, why isn't it okay now? I know most kindergarteners sleep in their own beds, but your daughter clearly wants to be with you a little longer. Try not to worry. Forcing a change in her sleeping arrangements when she is getting ready to take on such a big new challenge- kindergarten- may be too much all at once. Beleive me- she won't want to sleep in your bed much longer. My advice- let her grow at her own pace.

My husband and I are having the same problem with our daughter who is 3 years old and the youngest of 5 children. With our 3rd son we made a bed on the floor right next to my side of the bed and that worked great, he slept ther for maybe 3 to 4 nights and then went right into his own bed. We would start bedtime by going to put him in his bed and when he did not want to sleep there we let him know that he could make himself a bed on the floor next to my side and then he by himself ended up back in his bed. Our 4th son has never had an issue going to sleep in his own bed but every now and then he will end up in our bed in the early 3am or 4am hours of the morning so we usually just leave him. Our daughter has been a whole different story, she went shopping with Grammy and picked out her very own toddler bed (of her choice) and blanket set and loved sleeping in her bed for 5-6 months until an incident in the bathtub happened and now she will not sleep in her own bed at all. I think if you try talking to your daughter about it before hand and take her shopping for a new bed set or just a blanket of her choice. Try having a sleep over in her room, where you sleep in her room next to her bed. I do know that when our son was sleeping in his own bed, he loved having sleep overs with us in the living room on the weekends every once in a while and he really enjoyed the praise that he got and loved sharing it with his family (Dad, siblings, Grandparents, Friends) that he slept all night in his own bed and we also would make a game out of it, if he slept in his own bed until 1am one night we would tell him he did a great job, let's see if you can sleep in your bed longer tonight.The one thing that I do know having 14 year old twins that slept with me because Dad worked grave and it was more comforting for all 3 of us is that they really will NOT sleep in your bed forever, there is a end and when there is it is sort of bitter SWEET.OH we also had to change our time-out spot so it was not in their room, it was never time-out on their bed, but it was in their room, so we moved it so their room was never looked at as a uncomfortable room, we try to make it a place where they feel comfortable and they can relax.Once she does start sleeping in her own bed if she does get up in the middle of the night we had our son mak ehimself a bed on the floor next to my side, but again remember that she will NOT be in your bed forever, it does eventually resolve itself like so many other things they DO out grow this too!

When my daughter and I had this problem a therapist suggested this idea: 1st night: she sleeps on a blanket or in a sleeping bag next to you but on the floor. 2nd night: move her sleeping bag/blanket about 1 foot away from the bed toward the hallway to her bedroom. 3rd night and every subsequent night: move the sleeping bag one more foot toward her room. Depending on how far from your room her room is, she should be in her room fairly quickly. My daughter actually went to her bed on her own after her sleeping bag went about three quarters of the way out of my bedroom and into the hallway. Her own bed seemed less scarey to her than the hallway. The key is determination and consistency. If you give in even once you teach her to be a gambler (as in: "I am betting mom (dad) doesn't mean it this time"). A child who learns to gamble on your response to her or his behavior will make your life miserable.

I'm not sure if you'll like my recommendation. My son (6) and daughter (5) have gone in phases over the years. We have been very loose about it. Sometimes it bugs me and I want my bed back to myself, but other nights I just spend a minute or two looking at my little ones as they're sleeping and I'm overcome by so much pride and love and joy. Remember that they won't be young for long. Time goes by so quickly. I feel that some kids need more security than others at different times during their childhood. I know my daughter is scared of Swiper coming by at night and just feels safe with me. I talk to her about it and we pray together at night and I know the phase will pass. I also know that soon she'll be a teenager and won't want much to do with me and the snuggle time will be over and I will miss it desperately. So, hug your daughter and enjoy the time together. It'll pass all by itself.

Just keep taking her back to her bed. It will probably take a few nights and you won't get a lot of sleep but she should get the point and stay put. Be prepared for some crying but if you really want her out of your bed don't give in.

Hi T.,
Boy, reading your letter was like re-living my life. The only difference was my kids are girls. I can't take credit for this idea, a girlfriend came up with it for me when I was at the end of my rope. She had a "private" conversation with my daughter and found out the problem with sleeping in her bed was monsters that would come out at night. So she told my daughter that it was probably all her fault because she had kicked the monsters out of her house. And then asked her if she would like it if she did the same for my daughter. Of course the answer was yes. So, she made a "no monsters allowed card" and had it laminated. We also used a "monster spray" (water with lemon juice) every night before bed. Worked like a charm. I have a very cute picture of her asleep holding her "no monsters allowed card" in her hand.
My daughter is 17 now, so thanks for the memories....

Good Luck!

I am struggle with this with my 2 year old daughter, but I don't mind her crawling into bed with me later on in the night as long as she doesn't disturb my sleep! (o:(My husband also has a crazy work schedule!) I would also recommend "No Cry Sleep solutions" book. It's a great read and gives great tips on how to work into the sleeping on their own consistantly. The one step is consistancy. The author also lays out a plan to help you and your child. Like bringing something for you to do while she you are waiting for her to fall asleep, such as reading a book or making to do lists. I bring my reading light and my book along with my ipod. (o: Good luck. It will just take time and consistancy!

You have to not allow her to get into your bed at night. You HAVE to get up and put her back in her bed. I know you're tired, but if you let her get in bed with you, how can she possibly learn to stay in her own bed? If there is no lesson taught, there is no lesson learned.

My only suggestion is consistency. Each night when she comes to your bed you (I know are tired) but need to walk her back to bed, tuck her in, kiss and say good back to sleep. Maybe letting her have a sippy cup(only so it won't spill) of water next to her bed will help. Also let her pick out a new stuffed friend to sleep with each night. Hope this helps.
Unfortunately this is the only advice I can offer. I have 4 children 9,9,6, and 1 and that was the one thing I NEVER started because I was afraid of how to correct it. Good luck!!

Hi T.,

I was like you about a year or so ago. My son was in my bed with me for a long time and he needed to start sleeping in his own bed. He was extremely passionate about Hot Wheels so, we made him a deal for sleeping all night in his bed for 2 nights we'd buy him a Hot Wheels of his choice. It worked!!
Eventually we went from 2 days to 4 days and so on. We currently just use once a week reward for other behaviors too. That would be my best suggestion. If she really likes something, try using that as motivation and a reward system.
Hope this helps!
R.

i didn't read the other responses (there were 21!!), but my son (he's 5) started coming into my room to sleep right after his baby sister was born a year ago. i rolled up a couple of blankets and a pillow on the floor. when he would come in, i would tell him he was welcome to roll out the blankets and sleep on the floor, but that he couldn't get in the bed (there was no room anyway). he was a little upset at first, but adjusted quickly, sleeps on the little floor pallet occasionally, but mainly stays in his own bed now...good luck!

I actually had this same problem with my daughter, who is now 7. Since you work, I would recommend trying this on a weekend...it usually takes 2-3 nights to get it down. Go ahead and lay with her until she falls asleep (you can work on her getting herself to sleep, by herself, later). Everytime she wakes and comes into your room to crawl into your bed, take her by the hand, don't say a word and retuck her in. The first night she may get up 3-4 times...the next night will be better, the next night will be better. The key is to not talk when she comes into your room. She is not totally awake when she comes in, its a habit and if you talk, you might rouse her. Hope it helps. After two nights, my daughter slept through the night in her own bed and has been sleeping on her own for about 2 years!!

Hi T.!

I used the "Quarter Game" to help with bedtime. Your daughter is old enough to get excited about small amounts of money :o) Yes, it's a bribe...

I put a quarter on the nightstand. I explained to my son, "if you wake up in your bed, then you get to KEEP this quarter. BUT if you wake up in Mommy's bed, then MOMMY keeps the quarter". The FIRST night he slept in his own bed the WHOLE night! He slept in his bed the whole week! he started to "lose interest" in the quarter, so I had to explain that 4 quarters make $1.00, then exchange his quarters for a paper dollar. The look on his face when he was getting a whole dollar for sleeping in his own bed!

Anyway, my son son is in Kindergarden now. Although,I was never really concerned with my boys sleeping with me, my "goal" was alot like yours....when Kindergarden started I would put a stop to it.

The quarter trick works great, and I only "cash in" the $1.00 every so often to "keep it interesting". Every now and then he will come in to my bed while I'm sleeping and finish the night with me, but...so what! I really don't care. He will eventually stay EVERY night in his room, and NEVER want to sleep with mommy again. I hope I will be ready for that day :o)

Whatever you choose to do with this situation, just be consistent with your daughter. You be successful if you're consistent :o)

N.

Hi T.,

I just went through this with a good friend and her 5 year old. All I suggested for her to say is this, "Now that you are going to kindegarten, it is a rule that you have to sleep in your own bed and you have to start practicing now to get ready for kindergarten." It worked pretty quickly. She started by having the child pick which 2 days of each week he was goig to sleep in his own bed. Then after several weeks of that she expanded to 3, 4 etc. It worked like a charm.

But do know that if your child gets up in the middle of the night you have only two options. Get up each time to take her back and be consistent - this should only last several nights OR put a baby gate at her door so she can't get to your room. Just tell her it is a safety issue since she walks around in her sleep and you don't want her to fall or bump into things or get hurt.

You can do it - she will learn what you teach her and now it is time to teach her that she is a big girl. Also, once she stays in her room for a week, give her a treat of a "sleepover" with mom where she brings her blankets and pillow into your room and sleeps on the floor like camping out. Make it fun. You can do it!

Let me know how it goes - good luck.

+B+

I hear you and have struggled with the same with my 5 yr old son. First I suggest you do not stay with her till she falls asleep, she needs to learn to do this on her own-2 reasons-when she wakes later she gets scared that you are no longer there and then comes to find you and 2nd if she does wake she needs to know she can put herself right bk to sleep.

For our son we read 3 books or so then cuddle for about 2 minutes (he loves to cuddle). After 2 minutes I tell him it is time for sleep and I will be back in 2 minutes. He generally falls asleep before I get back and if not I give him another kiss and remind him it is time to sleep and rtn in 5 minutes. For sure by this 2nd check he is sleeping. When he wakes in the night he generally calls out. If I can ignore him I do. If I can't (fears of waking another kid or he walks down the hallway) then I go into Hhis room and remind him it is time to sleep, roll over and go back to sleep. Sometimes this is smooth and sometimes it is a struggle-BUT I do not get on his bed or cuddle and only tell him it is sleep time. Generally this works. There have been times he wakes and comes in our room and says he wants to sleep with me or even climbs in bed (my hubby works 24 hour shifts) and then I have to get up and take him back to his room.

So how do we make this all work: 1. consistency and yes it is hard and yes I am tired too but when he sleeps all night-it feels so great (as does he) 2. reward system-for us a toy in the morning for sleeping all nite works great-he knows he can earn it and he is so proud when he wakes and gets a toy-nothing more than 5 bucks. 3. After a week or so of success we move to a toy after 2 consistant nights or more. This gets a little tougher. We also are sure to put a star sticker on the calendar for every successful night-it is a visual reminder (calendar hangs in his room). Lately we moved to a reward of $1.00 every time-he seems to like to earn money so why not use it for sleeping.

I hope some of this helps. Please feel free to ask questions.

Best of luck.

Our 5yr. old would love to sleep in our bed too. It's been a journey! I have set up a "nest" for her on my side of the bed, on the floor. She has to start off in her bed, fall asleep, stay quietly etc. And then if she can be as quiet as a mouse she can crawl into her little nest at night. There have been some bumps, but she knows if she creates a fuss or disturbe the house that she could loose the nest. I also encourage her to stay in bed by giving her an article of my clothing with my perfume and if she stays in bed she can watch TV in the AM. We also, kicked off the "event" by rewarding her with a trip to the toy store after she went to bed nicely for 7 days. Sounds drastic and strict with losing the nest and no TV but she would have a full on tantrum at 2 in the morning if she couldn't come in our room, turn the lights on and sleep in our bed. We were so sleep deprived! Good luck, a few nights of being firm and you should be on your way. :)

PS: consider a book light that she can have in her nest....it's small and helps her but lets you sleep. The things we do for sleep! ;)

We got a little pet for my older son (first it was a lizard, then a pet rat), which was able to stay in it's cage in my son's room at night. He took his responsibility as a pet owner very seriously and did not want to leave his charge unattended by coming into our room, or maybe the pet just kept him company! It worked with him, but it's just a suggestion. Good luck!

My daughter sleeps most of the night in her own bed, but in the morning she'll come in and either sleep on the floor next to my bed or sleep up in my bed if Daddy's not there.
We do not mind this, as really, the sex issues are dealt with. The first half of the night is when anything happens in the department.

Have a bedtime routine for her. After she's in PJ's read a story to her, even a short chapter book like Mrs. Frisby and the Rats of NIHM, or Charlotte's Web and read a chapter every night.

Then tuck her in give her hugs and a kiss.
It may help to give her something of yours to old onto that has your scent. For example for my daughter (who is also almost five and had to learn to sleep in her own bed) I gave her one of my hair ribbons. It has helped her sleep longer in her own bed.

I've also noticed that she does better if she gets a short nap in the middle of the day.