Trying to Keep My Chin Up

Hi J.,
The same thing happened to me when I was pregnant with my son, only I lost the twin at 9 weeks. It was really upsetting as I was told off and on 4 times that I was pregnant and not pregnant. My son is now 9 years old and every once in a while I think about the what would it be like if...but for the most part I'm ok with it. What helped me the most was realizing that the fetus was not healthy and viable to begin with. I think things would have been much worse had I had the twin and then lost it.

I have a second child now and watching the two of them together makes me feel like his twin reappeared in his sister. They are very loving together and I know that he is no longer alone. Maybe when you are ready for a second child, you might feel less of a loss. In the meantime, keep going to therapy and try to realize that you are not alone. Once I started talking about the miscarriage, I learned that sooooooooo many people have gone through it too.

I think what you're going through is totally understandable. Maybe it is a little bit of postpartum, but I think you have a healthy dose of grief mixed in as well. I think you're on the right track with the therapist. Do you feel that anything is being accomplished when you see him/her? Do yo feel comfortable with them? Maybe they're not the right one for you, and you need to find another one. In any case, keep working with someone. I think it takes time to get over something like this, and the mind is ready when the mind is ready, if you know what I mean. Good luck to you.

Dear J.,
We are both members of a club that neither one of us ever anticipated or wanted to be a part of. I gave birth to twins, a boy and a girl, in 1998. They were born 2 months early and my son died when they were 6 months old, he never came home from the hospital. My daughter is a healthy, funny, bright and yet challenging 9 year old.

The emotions you are going through are completely normal and I have to say that after 9 years I still have good days and bad days.

I will say that there comes a time when life will feel more normal for you. It's sort of a "new normal".

You have to give yourself time to recover and it won't happen overnight. Seeing a good therapist is the best start and I didn't do that until nearly a year after so I think you are on the right road. Seeing twins is definitely the hardest thing because your imagination goes to a place that you can't control. I also have had situations with my daughter where I am taken off guard by the fact that there should be two of them - every birthday, the first day of Kindergarten (I was a basket case), the first movie in a movie theater - in fact pretty much the first of anything your daughter does can be at the same time so joyful and yet heartbreaking in the same moment.

My husband and I have found over the years that remembering and honoring our son whenever we can really helps. My daughter has always known about her twin brother, I think it's very important that there are no secrets about that. They were born in December so each year we collect donations for Toys For Tots (we call it Tommy's Toys For Tots because that was his name) and we buy the gifts he would have received and give them to needy children.

You might find a support group of other parents who have been through the same thing very helpful. I think it helps to feel more "normal" when you're in a room with other people who are experiencing the same emotions. I used to feel like I was walking around with a big sign on my head that said "girl whose baby died". I felt uncomfortable in my own skin especially at any social event.

I know it sounds like a cliche but it really is true that time heals all wounds.

I know there are many books to help with this issue too and you can find them on the internet. You can also google "twin loss" to find support groups and literature that can help.

I can also put you in touch with the support group we are a part of at Cedars Sinai Hospital who do a special Forever In Our Hearts memorial each year as well as a Tea for families in the spring.

There are so many things I can share with you so if you want to contact me please do.

Just know that you are not alone in your pain and grief. Good luck and my heart goes out to you.

All the best,
S. T
Woodland Hills
____@____.com

J.,

I totally understand what your going through. I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost our baby girl when I was 30 weeks pregnant. Its a horrible thing to go through and one which no parent should have to experience. Of course your sad, you lost one of your children. Many people think you should be ok cause you have a baby, but they don't understand. There are several websites and local support groups that provide support to grieving families that have lost a baby in pregnancy and infancy.

Check out these websites: www.ocwalktoremember.org , http:/healingheartsshare.org , www.hoaghospital.org/loss, www.nationalshareoffice.com , www.missfoundation.org . These are just a few. I hope you can find some support and comfort for your loss. Love to our Angels. You can certainly email me at ____@____.com.

A little bit about me: I live in Irvine, and have a 2 yr old son which we adopted. In addition, in honor of my little girl, I co-founded a walk in October in Irvine for families to come and walk in remembrance of their child or children. Its a day of sadness, and also a day of celebration of each life, no matter how long or short. Its a wonderful way for parents to connect with other people who have lost a child. We walk for the steps our children will never take.

"An angel in the book of life wrote down my baby's birth.
Then whispered as she closed the book "too beautiful for earth".
~~author unknown

In comfort and support~~~L.

Hi J.!
I am so sorry for your loss and can empathize with what you are going through. Six years ago I lost a baby at 10 weeks as well. I didn't realize how attached I had become in such a short time and didn't even want to believe the Dr.'s when they told my husband and I that I had miscarried. I had every emotion coarsing through my body and although my husband was loving and supportive I just didn't feel that he could totally understand what I was going through. I felt my heart was so sad and dark that I was not going to recover, but I had two other small children 4 and 3 at the time that needed me and I was a complete mess. I am a Christian and began to pray every day that God would give me something to hope for and hang onto so that I could get through this time. A couple days later as I was reading my Bible (very angrily flipping throught the pages, crying, and praying for hope) I found a verse in John 16:20 "Truly, truly I say to you, that you will weep and lament, but the world will rejoice; you will be sorrowful, but your sorrow will be turned to joy."
I had made some notations in my Bible at the time and just looked at them before I responded to you. I wrote this verse on a notecard and put it on my refrigerator so I could read it everyday and hope for God's promise of bringing me joy. I wrote,"I don't know how you are going to turn this tragedy into joy, but you promised so I am holding you to it." Well, God being the awesome creator that He is did just that. Each day that I read the verse and prayed a little healing took place. Over time I began to accept the fact that maybe it was just meant to be that we were to have 2 children to raise here on earth. Three months later, very un-expectedly I found out I was pregnant again. I carried my amazing little girl full term. She was born on September 11, 2001 at the exact moment the 1st tower in NY was hit. The maternity ward was packed and she was a reminder to us of how precious life is. She has completed our family in such a wonderful way and brought so much joy to us. She is not a replacement for the baby we lost, but a blessing that could not have come had I not miscarried. God says, He only gives us what we can handle. I have to believe that maybe the reason I miscarried was because something was terribly wrong with the baby beyond what I could handle with 2 other small children. Maybe God was protecting me. I won't know until I get to heaven and will then see my baby. God is taking care of the child til I arrive.
You will get through this! It may take some time, but you will be stronger in the end. Try to focus on your blessings. The baby girl you do have is healthy and whole, your have the privlige of being a MOM. We have the hardest job of all and you were appointed for it. I will be praying for you.
M.

I am a 55 year old mother of 3 adults and grandmother of 6 beautiful grandchildren.

You cannot keep your chin up! You have suffered a terrible loss and I hope that your therapist understands the different stages of grieving and how long it takes (between 2 and 5 years). It is OKAY to be sad when you see twins and/or are with friends who have twins or talk about them. Cry when you need to, especially with your friends. If you can't cry with them, who can you cry with? And then enjoy the twins, your friends, your baby, your family. Get a journal... and write, write, write.... all of your feelings: sad, joy, angry, the questions, the happiness, the disappointments, the jealousy, the gratefullness, etc. And write whenever the feelings come up (at least whenever you can or as soon as possible when you are in a place where you can write!) Your MOJO will return but the process of grieving is healthy and will also strengthen your MOJO.

As for your good and bad days... that is all part of the grieving process and life in general. Just take a day at a time and don't lose sleep or take on guilt for yesterday. You are in a learning curve, so give yourself GRACE to blow it and/or to have a bad day. Tomorrow is a new day, a new beginning.

Loss and grieving are a BIG part of life and you will need to be able to teach and allow your daughter that space to do so as she experiences the same in her life as she grows up... (as well as your husband... I imagine he is grieving in his own way too. So talk to him, ask him for a listening ear, a shoulder to cry on and give him the same... be careful to be sensitive to his feelings and that he doesn't read you as blaming him in any way or that you are whining...) grief is a normal part of life and unfortunately our culture is still ignoring the need to grieve properly. So stay true to WHO you are and YOUR needs... loss of a child is one of the hardest and deepest losses there is.

And if you are a praying woman... continue to talk to God, yell at God, whatever... He can take it, he will listen and He loves you and He understands... after all... He lost a son once.

Hi, J.,

I miscarried twins and then a singleton, both after spending a huge amount of time and money and enduring a lot of physical pain. Finally, at 40, when I had virtually given up hope of having ANY children, I had my first live child. A year and ten weeks later, I had my second, a surprise! Both of my living children were born by c-section with complications, which led to a long and painful recovery. (I will never completely recover.) Although the loss of my first three made me grieve and the whole process of creating life was very difficult for my husband and me, I consider myself richer for the experience. I think that I value life far more than I would have had I not experienced these travails. If I meet someone who is experiencing difficulty in conceiving, carrying a child, recovering from childbirth, etc., or is the partner of someone in that position, I can often provide insight that will help that person make wise decisions or just feel better. I have always cared about the welfare of people in general and animals, but based on my life experience, I now try to preserve and improve the lives of others through activist activities.

Some of my relatives and friends desperately wanted children but for reasons beyond their control did not have any. My friend's first baby, conceived after years of trying every method possible, died at the age of 17 days. Relative to these individuals, I consider myself lucky.

I have bad days sometimes, too. Knowing that sometimes I will feel better for reasons I can't pinpoint (chemical changes in my body, more sleep, supportive actions by friends, a full moon, who knows?) helps.

I hope that you feel better soon.

Good luck,
Lynne E

Well let me first say that the pain will ease and that you should not feel guilty for feeling the loss so strongly, even with your beautiful girl you do have.
I lost my first born beautiful daughter in my 6 month, she was born too early and was stillborn. It has been 18 years this past St. Patricks Day, yes she was born on a holiday, I still dont celebrate it after all this time. I also do the same, I look at my two beautful daughters (17 & 13) that came after Kortnie and I still wonder about her and how much she would have been like her sisters. They all 3 looked exactly alike at birth. So take your time to process the pain, grieve and then just hold onto and be so thankful for the beautiful girl you still have. The pain will get easier with time, but 18 years later I still cry thinking about Kortnie. It also helps to have a good support person that will let you talk and cry about your loss, someone that will not make you feel guilty for your feelings or make lite of your feelings. I was 23 when this happened and NO ONE knew how to help me get through the pain, my husdand never felt the loss like I did and my parents were just worried about me mentally and emotionally, that the baby's death was secondary and my best friend turned away from me, because she just did not know how to deal with my loss, she became a labor and delivery nurse about 5 years ago and finally after all this time broke down and told me how sorry she was for not being there for me back then, she has lost a few patients babies and it finally hit her how hard it was on me!!! Everyone delas in their own way and dont let anyone tell you to "just get over it"
I wish you all the best with your new baby girl, she will grow up so fast, cherish her.
Brenda

Hi J.,
I know exactly what you are feeling, I had the same loss when I was pregnant with my daughter. I lost my first pregnancy at about 12 weeks, and I was devasted. I did not know how to continue on. In time, the pain lessened and then in three months I became pregnant again. It was with this second pregnancy that I had twins, I was so excited. Again, at 12 weeks, one baby died. From one doctor's visit to the next visit, the ultrasound only showed one heartbeat. My OB was very supportive that the rest of my pregnancy should continue okay. It did, but I was a nervous wreck! The doctor told me that many pregnancies start off with multiples, but end up as singletons. He assured me that it was a common thing, even though it did not take the pain away. My daughter was born healthy and at the time of delivery my OB showed me where the other egg sac was in the placenta. I learned to give all my love to my daughter for she was such a blessing. I had another loss at 20 weeks with my third pregnancy, that one was the hardest. I had to learn to cope with the pain and the sadness all over again. My doctor did suggest group therapy for me and I was put on Prozac to help with the depression. Through time and group, I grew stronger again and remembered that God must of known what he was doing and that maybe something may have been wrong with my son. After a few months, I stopped with the Prozac and reminded myself that life does go on. Again, 3 months later (to me a surprise...wasn't planning it) I became pregnant. In November of 07 my son was born. I was a nervous wreck through the entire pregancy. I count my blessings that I have been given two beautiful children and I give them all the love I can. I know they pain and sadness you are going through, I suggest you do something special as a rememberence of the baby you lost. It will help with the healing process. I learned that from group, I planted a special little tree and wrote a letter to the baby. I put the letters away in a special place as a rememberence as well. I learned that writing how you feel, is good release of your feelings. If you ever need support, feel free to write, ____@____.com will never forget the babies you loose, but you can love and cherish the one(s) you do have.

Hi J., allow me to tell you a little about me first, I am a psychic medium, not a corny miss cleo, I do see those wo have gone on to the other side, and I do speak to them when its important, even though your baby moves inside of the tummy the soul of the baby the spirit doesnt attach to them until they breeth there first breath. Your baby did not die, it just returned back to energy, where one day they will be re born again. Your baby was not something you choose to eject it just happened, saving the other baby. No bodys fault, God did not take this baby to spare the other, it just happen. You keep picturing this baby as full term, feeling quilty about it, maybe the baby wasn't healthy for you or her to be in the body, you are blessed with this daughter, and who knows you might have another daughter or son. I don't know about your faith in a higher power, the baby did not die we dont'die.. our bodies do, but our spirit always lives on, I know that 100 % it does.

Blessings

Hello J.,

I am terribly sorry for your loss, and no words are going to be able to heal you just yet, but I hope I can add a bit of insight and peace for you.

The fact that you stated, "Trying to keep my chin up" is a great thing, it means that you are aware of these normal feelings and you must work through them, that's a great start.

Allow yourself a grieving period that involves you and your daughter first, then allow the rest of the family in to that grieving, soon you will find yourself answering all of your difficult questions on your own.

I always have believed that everything happens for a reason, even the sad things and the unfortunate things, it is all part of a master plan for our lives. As that may not make sense to you right now, I would worry if it did. This tragedy has a reason.

I am not sure if you are religious or not, either way, asking for guidance from within your soul, dep down will bring everything up to the surface in a more clearer light. Life has a destiny, a path, a road we are supposed to follow, sometimes we do and sometimes we don't...but when we don't, things do not stay alligned in our lives.

I believe the child you lost was needed for a much larger plan for your life than here with us. Think what if for a moment, what if that child had maybe been seriously ill or severe developmental problems, this would have been a difficult life for them as well as for your family.

Use this time to bond more than ever with your daughter, she holds the spirit and soul of two, just wait and see how special that will be for you, she is going to be incredibly special. Everytime she looks up into your eyes, she is letting you know it will all be alright, she is telling you how much she needs you, here.

I sure hope this didn't upset you more, or that I was out of line, but sometimes we need a shock to hit us for us to be able to fight even harder. Your war with yourself should end today, your daughter you are holding in your arms right now needs you and the one you hold in your heart needs you to be there for her too. Pray, ask for guidance, allow yourself a bit of time to heal and soon you will see the sunshine break through.

I am so sorry for your loss, but with that loss will come gain, incredible gain and purpose. Stay focused you will see.

Sincerely,
E.

Hi J.,

I'm so sorry for what you are going thru...I read thru some of the responses. I'm 43 years old..my mother lost my twin (brother or sister) when she was pregant with us. She was 2 months pregnant when my brother or sister was lost. I found this out at an early age. From the twin's perpective I can only tell you I still to this day wonder. What he or she would have been like, personality, hair colour etc how we would have gotten along. But, I have two children of my own, and they are who I give my love to. I always believe someone is watching over me...it seems like someone is missing...I cannot explain it well. I will say this, I was 18 when my 9 year old cousin passed away. This is part of a poem by Henry David Thoreu. (sp) that I sent to his parents.

If man does not keep pace with his companions, perphaps it is because he hears a different drummer. Let him step to the music of which he hears, however measured, far and away...

It is also what I think about when I wonder.....

I truly hope this helps you...good luck to you...

D.

Hey honey... This is the time to count your blessings thatyour daughter is healthy and you have one. I too lost my duaghters twin at about the same time you did. What helped me through it was knowing that the little soul that didn't come through just wasn't ready. She was company for my daughter who may have been affraid to do the first part by herself, and then once she turned into a fetus, she was fine and didn't need the other soul to hold her hand. We still feel her energy around us and I like to think that someday she/he will come into being as my daughters baby. I am 45 now and probably not going to have any more children.
It was a little sad for me, but when babies don't come through it is for good reason. i just recently had a miscarriage and it was only 7 weeks along, but it is just the way life is. The baby was probably not hormonaly sound and would have been damaged. Life and being a mom is hard enough. Imagine having a challenged child. It is hard! Count your blessings and pour all you love into that little girl, (who by the way) is going to be dynamic! She has the personality and strength of two!

Good luck and read spiritual magazines and positive words of wisdom right now and stay away from gossipy friends and negative people. Breath, and it will all be OK! I promise

my sister also had twins but her son Nico was lost in utero at 27 weeks. She went on to deliver a beautiful girl at 30 weeks. The loss was extremely h*** o* her, we knew at around 22 weeks that Nico was in trouble and had he made it to 28 weeks they were going to have to decide if they were going to deliver both and hope they could both make it or not deliver and give the baby girl the fighting chance by staying as long as she could, I'm forever thankful that was a decision my sister didnt have to ultimantly make. She would greive for her son and feel guilty for not celebrating her daughter and vice versa during the rest of her pregnancy. When the babies were delivered, she got to see Nico, they had him cremated and gave their daughter the middle name of Niccole to honor her brother.
My sister sees Nico's passing as his way of making sure his sister would live. Her daughter is now 18 months and we will all let her know as she grows up that she has a brother looking over her.
The pain of the loss will never go away for my sister but it does get easier and by celebrating the gift of her daughter she honors her son. We always remember she has twins, just because one didnt make it does not discount the fact he was here.
There is no magic answer to give you to make it better or easier but in time you will learn to deal with the pain. Hold onto your little one and let her know when the time is right that she has a sibling. And remember as well that its ok to feel sad for your loss and happy for your baby at the same time. They are two separate people, its ok to look at them as such.
I wish you the best and I hope you find some peace. Celebrate the love you carry for both of your children.

I didn't lose a twin, but I did lose a son. He was 21.5 months old. My husband and I were devastated to say the least and to this day - our loss is felt very deeply - for the whole family since we have older children. I can say with certainty, that the number one reason we all were able to keep on and live our life (as normal as possible)is because we have our faith in God. God has carried us through all of this. It was completely unexpected. He was healthy his whole life. Never a sniffle. God can do anything and help you with this, He can and will. You just have to ask him to. I still ask Him to comfort my heart when it is heavy from thinking of my son. Not a moment passes before I literally feel the weight lifting. Find a good church (if you don't already ahve one) one that you and your husband both feel at home in. Seek the counsel of a pastor (hopefully a female) and go from there. Guidance with losing a child is necessary. It is unchartered territory that everyone navigating it, has slightly different needs. God Bless You and Good Luck!

Hi there,
Congrats on the baby! I think you should definitely take the post-partum diagnosis seriously. You don't have to be distant from your baby to be experiencing it. My close friend had it and experienced symptoms more like yours and less like the book cases. I think seeing the therapist is a great idea- an unbiased listener who has experience dealing with these types of things. Also, it is perfectly fine to grieve the loss of your twin. Perhaps if you gave yourself a time to grieve properly, then you'd be able to move on better once it is done. If there are people in your life who think you should just 'get over' it, then you definitely don't need to be hanging out with them, you know? Just keep doing what your doing- getting help- and it should get better slowly.
Enjoy that sweet girl and give her lots of kisses!

Hi J.
I read your request and I just wanted you to know that even though I do not know you, my heart is with you. I'm so sorry for your loss. Although I have not gone thru exactly what you have gone thru, I have been in a deep depression and in a very dark time in my life that I really thought I would never be the same or happy again. Everyone kept telling me there is a light at the end of the tunnel but I didn't see it. Then one day there it was....that light every one was telling me about. I don't know if you believe in God but I do and I know there is a reason why things happen even when we don't understand it. I am a stranger to you but just know that I am putting my arms around you and giving you a big hug ...from one mom to another. I know God is giving you a big hug too. There are no magic words to take away your pain. You have every right to mourn your loss for how ever long it takes and in your own way. Please know that my heart , prayers and thoughts are with you. You are not alone.

Dear J. K.,
Although I didn't lose a twin, I lost my first baby at full
term. The grief never really does go away.....
God had a need for your twin child, and so great a need to
have seen fit to take the twin from you. Leaving you with
the one was a gift unto itself.
You will come to a realization that the child is doing God's
work, and that the child is very loved indeed.
The twins must have been special and the Lord needed one of them. Indeed the child you do have-must also be special too!!

Good Luck with your Daughter, you are both very blessed.
C. S.

Dear J....your situation is hard. I too, lost my son's twin, she would have been 9 mos old now, and happy and thriving, I'd guess, with her brother....
It was my 3rd miscarriage. The fact is, you just have to make the decision every day to move forward and realize how blessed you truly are. Hopefully, your mourning period will not last all too long, because you have a little girl who needs ALL OF YOU. Be joyous in the child you do have, and please don't let depression set in and let empty longing envelope you. You are truly, truly gifted...I'm sorry that pain is something you have to go THROUGH and not something you can just jump over. But one day, maybe you'll be helping another mom get through, possibly the exact same thing and that might even be the purpose for your pain now. (I never thought I'd be sharing about this, but you're experience is my experience too)There is always a bigger picture. I will say a prayer for you and God Bless you & your precious child.

Dear J.,

I am so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine your confusion, guilt, pain, and how it must affect every aspect of your life. I know in as much as I'm able to without having had the same experience, the feelings of sadness and isolation that you must be experiencing. Do yourself a favor though - try not to focus on who you used to be. I understand what you are saying about wanting to get back to your old self but the truth is having a loss such as this changes you and the healing process will take quite a while. And on top of that, every new mother feels a sense of loss over who she used to be and who she is expected to be now. That's all part of the deal of figuring out how to be a mom and still take care of yourself and your husband. Remember, you are changed forever and now it's about finding out who you are today and that will be different than who you are used to being. Try to be kind to yourself and accept that for today. Just so you know where I'm coming from, I've done 3 artificial inseminations and 8 invetro fertilization cycles which all resulted in 3 miscarriages. The result is I am a changed woman - every cycle we did took a piece of me and I am different now. The more healing I do the more I'm able to be in service to others (I teach pre & post natal yoga) and the more I am able to accept myself just where I'm at on each particular day. So I hope this in some way speaks to you and maybe takes some of the pressure off that you need to be someone other than who you are right now. Just love your baby, allow your husband to love you and support you wherever you are at, and keep taking care of yourself by going to therapy. You will have moments of your old self again - that happy and confident woman will re-emerge when you stop trying to make it happen.

Also, if you ever want to do some yoga e-mail me. I can help you.

Much love to you.
A.

J.,

Im sorry to hear about your twin. I had the same thing happen when I was at about 10 weeks. Im assuming the lost twin you are referring to is due to vanishing twin syndrome. It is pretty common and Dr's think it happens more often than they even know about since many people do not know there pregnant and get ultrasounds that early in the pregnancy. I dont know if that is reassuring at all, but you should know your body rejected and got rid of the other twin because their were major abnormalities. It is better off, if the baby were born it would not have lived a normal life, and may have not lived at all. Vanishing twin syndrome has nothing to do with anything the mother did wrong early on in the pregnancy , so know you did not cause it. Your body simply made an error and corrected itself before it was too late. You should look more into vanishing twin syndrome and maybe it will give you peace of mind. Just remember you have a beautiful healthy baby girl that your body made perfectly!

I understand you, J., what you feel. I lost my angel when I was 20 weeks pregnant in Feb 2006. I am still grieving. You will have good days and not so good days but, this is something you will never be able to forget unfortunately. The life is keep going. I know whatever people say to comfort you the pain is still inside. Think about your little girl, be positive, love her, give her all the Love you have. DO NOT blame yourself or, anybody else. You are so lucky to have her, other people not so lucky. I am very happy to have my little son born in Nov 2008. I look at him with tears in my eyes and think that I am so blessed having him. Since he was born I hever take anything in my life for granted. If you need to talk to somebody please do not hesitate to e-mail me ____@____.com
Keep your chin up ! you are doing very good job, J. !

I.

The same thing happened to my sister-in-law when she was pregnant with my nephew. When it happens that early in the pregnancy, I believe they call it "vanishing twin syndrome". As I understand it, the surviving twin actually absorbs the genetic material of the other. I don't know if this helps or not, but I've always looked at it as my nephew's twin somehow surviving in my nephew. He's a very special boy, and I think that he's special for two.

No matter how you choose to look at it, you are so lucky to have a wonderful, healthy little baby girl. I hope you are able to get through this soon. Good luck!

I can not offer advice because I have not felt what you feel. I can say good luck on your journey. I hope you are successful at reclaiming your vibrance :o) We live in Hermosa Beach so if you ever want to meet and go for a walk I am available. You can email me at ____@____.com
S.

J.,

I don't claim to know everything, but it sounds to me that you have not had or taken the time to grieve the lost of your baby's twin. You need help to deal with the lost. I know you are thankful for your precious little girl enjoy her don't go to the "what ifs". Cry if you need to, get the hurt out so you can really feel enjoy life and be the best Mom to your little girl. Love her, play with her, let her be with grandparents if she has them. Take care of you so you can take care of your family. I have four daughters, mis-carried two years before having my oldest and eight months before I had my youngest. God, family and friends helped me through it. It will get better.

Hey J.- Thanks for sharing your story, that takes a lot of courage! I can feel you know how blessed you are, your love for your new baby is shining through your post. But I can feel your pain too. Just remember some where deep inside that the creator has a reason why things happen and that's not up for us to understand. We can hate it and we can cry as long as we need to. It's not up to anyone to tell you how long to grieve for, so take your time..but remember there is a reason, a valid reason that your babies twin is somewhere else today. You are a blessed new mommy, who is feeling emotions you have never felt before...it comes with being a mommy. God Bless!

I am the mother of 12 year old twin girls, so I can only imagine what you are going through. It is totally understandable that you are terribly sad, and I would expect that many people cannot understand your grief, but for you it is real and it will always be with you. I am a big believer in heaven and in angels, but I don't know if you are. If you do believe in these things, I would be thinking lots about the fact that your daughter has her own special angel in heaven, her twin, and they will be connected forever. When your daughter gets older, I would talk to her about her angel sister and make it as real for her as it is for you. Try not to think of the twin that you are missing, but instead try to think of the twin that is in heaven watching down on all of you, but especially her sister. Again, this will always be hard for you, but maybe this idea will help.

First, I'm so sorry for your lost. Second, be ok with the fact that you did lose somebody, and to feel sad about that is NORMAL. It's good to see that you have sweet feelings toward your baby, as that will help. I'm not sure if you believe in God, but I do, and I know that God does not make mistakes..... for reasons we don't know right now, he wanted you to take care of this one baby, and perhaps you need to think of it that way. You need not worry for the baby you lost, as she is not in pain and is in heaven. Remember that you have a beautiful little girl that doesn't understand your loss, and doesn't need to right now. If need be, fake the smiles and the laughter for you baby, and as time goes on you will not have to fake them. Keep in mind that baby's are blessings, and remember how wonderful and nervous you felt as you were expecting and when you see your friend with her twins, make it about her, not about your feelings. Lastly, and this is a big one, cherish what you do have, not what you don't. The next time you start to wish for the baby you lost, do something for the baby that's here. Tickle her, sing to her, make something for her, right a letter (to be opened when she's bigger) about how wonderful you think she is. And, please don't ever try and forget about your baby that you lost, she was a part of you, and never feel like you need to push her memory out forever, just don't make her bigger than the child you have now. God Bless.

Dear J.,
I have been through depression after having my baby. He is now almost 2 years old. Healing takes time. You must accept the feelings and let them go b/c it doesn't make things any better and you need to be there 100% for that baby you have!!! I went onto Paxil, which pretty much makes you body's responses to situations better and thinking with more clarity. So, you can let go and function for that little one. I know somee people are against help. However, what are you going to do without it??? If your body isn't making what naturally helps you. Paxil helps! BECAUSE YOUR BODY IS GOING THROUGH AND IMBALANCE. Eventually, the doc weans you off too! It's not permanent. I just would never wish that feeling on anybody. Been there done that please talk to your doc about it.
Best Wishes
N. Shane

I am so sorry for your loss. My heart hurts for you to go through this. I do feel you are amazing. You are working through your feelings. Good for you to seek therapy. You will work through your feelings and go through the mourning process. And the celebration of your daughter. It's all right to heal and to feel all these feelings. You are human. And you are a mother. Love yourself. Get the support you need from friends, family,husband, and your daughter. You can tell your daughter your feelings. She wants to be there for you through this. She is aware and knows how to get you through this. And when you see double. That's all right. It's love. And love for both of them will always be there. And your daughter will have it for your whenever you need it. Always. My prayers to you and your family.

R.

I'm so sorry for your loss, J.. I don't have any advice, I'm sorry to say, but wanted you to know your story brought tears to my eyes. Hang in there; it's bound to get better with time.

i feel you, J.. your statement "i have everything i have ever wanted, yet still have so much pain inside" really resonated with me. i was strongly motivated to do something about the stressful and painful thoughts that i felt were interfering with my ability to effectively parent my own beautiful, wonderful daughter. i found "the work" of byron katie to be amazingly effective in my life for deaing with emotional pain. i've been working with it for a little over a year now, and the turnaround in my own life has been nothing short of miraculous. check out the videos on her website www.thework.com for an example of how its done, and then read the book "Loving What Is" http://store.nexternal.com/shared/StoreFront/default.asp?...

I worked with an excellent facilitator of The Work named Flaven Clayton (her website is here http://lovinginquiry.com/1364.html?*session*id*key*=*sess.... 3 sessions with her did more for me than years upon years of therapy. Now whenever I encounter a stressful or painful thought, I can take care of it on my own, such a powerful tool!

Good luck! I support you on your path to emotional health and wellbeing.

J., I am so sorry for your loss. You are not alone. There is an organization here in San Diego called Empty Cradle (http://emptycradle.org/) that is a support group for bereaved parents who have lost babies due to miscarriage, stillbirth, or infant death. Sadly, many of our members have lost one or both twins in utero. This group has been an absolute lifesaver for me. I don't presume to know how you feel but, for what it's worth, it sounds like you are grieving the loss of your precious baby in a very healthy, normal way. Grief is complicated and it takes some of us more time than others to fully process the experience that we've been through. Please feel free to email me at ____@____.com and I will give you my phone # offline, if that would be helpful for you. Many of us in the Empty Cradle network have found it to be very helpful to talk with people who have been through similar experiences and who can truly empathize with your situation, aside from any beliefs about 'God's bigger picture' or other religious approaches. (not to say that those approaches are wrong, just not appropriate for all people). Your feelings are normal and it sounds like you are on the right path to healing your heart and soul. It's definitely a roller coaster but eventually, with time and patience, we learn how to ride it without falling off. I really do hope that you'll contact me if you want to. I am here to support you. :-) -Suzanne

I know you're busy, but I suggest that when you have your good days, take a picture of your little girl and buy yourself a journal. Once a week or so go get those pictures developed and paste them next to your journal entries for the week. No new mother really has time to scrapbook-- but your mini scrapbook of good days will really come in handy on the not so good ones. Take pride in the fact that you are doing all you can (including seeking therepy) to be the best mom you can be. I am so very sorry for your loss and hope that this will help you.

Hi J.. I'm very sorry to hear about your loss. Look at it this way, you have your daughter who you can give all your love and affection to- twice! Maybe if you try and look at it in a positive light, not a sad one it might help. You can give your baby girl twice the love and hugs! And she has a guardian angel over her on top of all this, how awesome is that?!
You definitely have to feel sad at times, it's okay to. But try not to put too much energy into being sad, just turn it around and be thankful for that little beautiful bundle that you do have. Let her feel how much love you have to give and give it!
Wishing you all the best and I hope you get your mojo back soon =)

S.~

I lost a baby as well. It's difficult to understand, but even if the baby did survive, it may have been disabled beyond what you could have handled. The universe has it's way of handling things that we can't, even if it's hard for you to understand at the time. The other baby is always with you & your daughter.

Hi J.,
I know how you feel. I also lost twins at 10 weeks. I was 40 and I thanked God for giving me the best 40th birthday present after trying for 10 years to get pregnant. Alas, I lost them 1 week after I found out about them! I was very devastated to say the least. My husband was out of the country when it happened so I faced it all alone. The only consolation I had was that the miscarriage wasn't my fault. It happened when I was relaxing, reading a book in the early evening. I went to the bathroom to urinate and there I saw a spec of blood and continued bleeding profusely for the next 2 weeks. I didn't want to accept the news even when the doctor told me that I lost them on the second day. I refused to have the hospital sucked them out since I kept hoping that I was one of those women who bled during the pregnancy (like my girlfriend) and continue in carrying out the pregnancy full term. Unfortunately, that didn't happen - I did lose the babies! I thought I lost my mind! However, God was still generous to me. I prayed to God if he ever granted me a child I'd like to have a boy ... I got pregnant again 10 months later. Now I have the most beautiful healthy 21/2 years old boy. My wish came true!!!
Sure, it saddens me every time I see twins but I wouldn't exchange Jordan for the world. I always thank God for his generosity. I sure would like to have more children just like my mom who has 8 children (she had her 8th when she was 37 and I am sure she'd have more children if my step-dad didn't die 8 months after the last child) I am 44 now. If God blesses me with more children I'll take them with wide open arms. If not, I shouldn't forget his generosity while praying for other women who still can't have children yet such as my sister who has been trying 12 years and 8 unsuccessful in vitro. Keep our chins up!!!!

Dear J.,

Bless your heart- you are grieving and rightly so. It is probably especially overwhelming to grieve while you also have the intense emotions of a new baby to deal with.

If you are open to a more unusual approach, I highly recommend a reading with Walter Makichen (http://waltermakichen.com/consults.htm). He is a clairvoyant spiritual adviser who specializes in communicating with the spirits of unborn children (also the author of "Spirit Babies- Communicating with the Child You Were Meant to Have"). His reading helped us so much in the process leading up to the conception of our son- and helped me to understand why the conditions had not been right thus far for our little one- and in my case, what I could do. Of course, even after he referred to our son as a boy, I was convinced I was going to have a girl LOL!! I know he has helped people who have lost a child tremendously by telling them a little about their spirit baby's path. I think it might lift your heart a bit to touch in and connect with that little one you never got to meet.

S.

You're in my prayers. I have a friend who had this same thing happen to her. It was such a struggle to mourn and rejoice at the same time. Something that helped for her was ALLOWING herself to miss her little one. She said that she would hold her baby, cry a little (a lot), and give her sweetie an extra hug knowing that that little one was close to the one that was lost. She also found comfort in knowing that someday she would meet her little one in Heaven. I went through a miscarriage myself about three years ago... and I still have moments when things (like your story) hit me. There's no easy answer or quick fix. Don't stuff it in though; your pain is real and reasonable. Your little one needs you, so love your baby while you heal emotionally (don't be afraid of the emotional scar that will remain, I have one too).

Feel the pain...Feel the pain! Then feel the love....feel the love. What do you need to learn from all of this? Letting go? That you cannot control life? Sorry, for your pain and suffering. OOOuch! Feel the love....Feel the love.

Asking for advice is awsome. You have a dear heart. Reach it out to others....including your child, family, friends, and community. Give yourself all the time you need to heal but remember the love before you. Give yourself permission everyday to pray, hurt and heal. Then move on knowing you can revisit tomorrow. Your heart is open....What an opportunity for love!

Bless you!

Dear J.,

You are blessed to have a child when others can not. Be strong for you baby who is here. You could use some time to pamper yourself. Maybe a trip to a day spa or something to reconnect with the fun girl. Think about all the wonderful things in your life when you feel sad. Remember, Time heals all wounds.

I'm so sorry for your loss and happy about your joy. If you go to the website for my client, the Heimberg Law Group, at wwww.heimberglaw.com, there is The Guide: Resources for the Disabilities Community in Southern California.

Under "Bereavement" are a number of organizations, including the Center for Loss in Multiple Births. It's a self-help group comprised of people in similar situations as you. I hope this resource helps.

Best to you and your family.
G.

My heart goes out to you J.. It seems so strange to be so happy, yet be so profoundly sad and feeling lost. But that is what sooooo many new moms experience. You have the added and devestating componant of grieving the loss of a child. My advice is to be so gentle and compassionate toward yourself. Postpartum takes many forms. I didn't think I had it when my son was born because I was so happy and in love with him. But then I couln't remember things, I would find myself not being able to function normally and even began experiencing more severe symptoms like walking past my car in a parking lot and not seeing it. Or driving and not having any idea where I was. It was postpartum compounded by exhaustion. I finally had to get help. But I didn't recognize that it could be postpartum because I was so happy with my son.

Grief is such a profound thing that doesn't just go away. Keep up with therapy, find a support group and talk to your doctor. It may be worth making an appointment with a psychiatrist that works with postpartum/grief. Also, excercize, which I know can be almost impossible with a baby around, is really a mood booster. Don't try to go it alone, you need so much support right now. I ache for you.

Sending hugs,
B.

Hello J. -

I know you've gotten lots of beautiful and amazingly supportive and helpful responses. I hope you have time for more. I saw lots of suggestions that you join a support group, which I was going to suggest. In case you're wondering how you'd come up with the time to go to one, I thought I'd point out that by sending your posting about this, you created one for yourself.

I saw many responses from other women who had been through similar experiences who offered their email addresses. I hope you take them up on that. Though my experience is different (we adopted a baby after 2 miscarriages & 1 ectopic), I do know about grieving & living with grief. Mine is ____@____.com response suggested hypnotherapy. I heartily agree, but urge one that uses it in a "normal" practice, at least an LCSW or an MFCC if you decide you want to do that. I did just that and it helped me immensely. A few weeks after my ectopic preg, I realized what I felt was numbness, not sadness. I didn't want to go into the adoption process not having dealt with at least some of my grief and I believe it made all the difference. Enough about me, but I wanted to illustrate why I sought the hypnotherapy and if you want to know more, please feel free to contact me either through this site or directly to my email.

Also, I just read an article that really impressed and inspired me. I'm attaching a link. A very wise psychotherapist named Miriam Greenspan - http://www.thesunmagazine.org/issues/385/through_a_glass_.... I know how busy a new mom is, but I hope you'll have time to read the article. If you like what you read in the article and are interested in finding out about her book, her website is - http://www.miriamgreenspan.com/description.html. She is someone who really knows about loss.

My heart goes out to you and I hope my suggestions are of some help to you. I wish you and your family all the best.

Peace & Blessings,
Colleen

Give yourself time. Glad you are in counseling. Grieve in your own way in the loss of your twin. My heart goes out to
you. B. B

Hi J.,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious baby. I too am a mom of an angel and it is the hardest journey I've ever been on. I'm not a doctor but I believe what you are going through is not postpartum depression but the grieving process. What you are feeling is completely natural and if you weren't feeling this way, I'd be worried. I'm glad to read you are in counseling. I know that helped me tremendously. Give yourself some time and be good to yourself. Someone mentioned a support group for the loss of a twin/multiples. I think it would be very beneficial for you to be amongst women who know what you're going through. I have made wonderful relationships with women who have lost their baby to the condition that took my son away, preeclampsia. They have gotten me through all of my rough times. Hugs to you. I wish you peace in your journey.

By the way, congratulations on your little girl. I'm sure she is such a blessing to you.

Find a good hypnotherapist! they can help you release the trauma and heal the past so you can be present with your daughter! You will be amazed, and it is A LOT faster than traditional therapy!
Best wishes!

My work might provide you with a different view and release you from some of this pain you are feeling. Check out my website: www.kristinecastro.com -- I would be more than happy to give you a free consultation. My commitment is that all people are living a life they love.

With love, power, and passion,
K.

Hi there, I am a Mom who lost my son when he was 2 months old. That was 16 years ago and I still have my bad moments. It is absolutely normal to have rough times, to imagine how your twin baby would have looked, what it would be like to have two, but the most important thing to think about is that you have a beautiful child that needs all of your love and attention. You can keep your other child's memory alive by remembering the child, telling your daughter as she gets older what happened and trusting that you can't control what has happened, but you can help yourself by remembering, grieving and moving on. I have since had 3 beautiful children whom all know that they have a brother that they were not able to meet, but will in heaven some day, and while we know that things aren't fair, and we all cry together at times, we know we can go on, and we do it not only for the child we lost but for ourselves, and the families we have. Give yourself time, having your daughter has brought everything to the forefront again. Give yourself permission to grieve again, to cry, and to remember. Then pick yourself up and be thankful, greatful, and blessed to have a beautiful daughter to love and cherish. And most of all, take one day at a time, it will get easier. Take good care of yourself.

I'm sorry for your loss and all of the pain you're experiencing. Even though it is very common for women to lose a "vanishing twin," it doesn't ease the pain. Most of the time, when that happens, the mother isn't even aware of it. Since you do know, you have to go through the morning process. Please know that this pain is temporary and that your precious baby that you do have needs you so much, physically and mentally. It's wonderful that you've already seeked help in working through this loss. I can imagine that it would be like pouring lemon juice in a paper cut to see and hear about other twins, especially if your best friend has them. I'm not sure if it would be more helpful to avoid them for awhile or embrace them and be around them more, so you have more support. Your friend may feel secretly guilty, knowing or sensing how you feel. If you got pregnant with twins once, you might get pregnant with them again. It won't replace that particular twin, but it is possible for you to have the experience again in the future. Since you've been diagnosed with PPD, it's better you wait until that subsides before trying to conceive again. Prayers and hugs to you.

Dear J.,

Please give yourself some time. Be patient with yourself too. These feelings are normal. Your body is going through a lot of hormonal changes and you need to go with the flow for a while. You might also need some time to mourn the loss of your daughter's twin. It's OK to feel sorrow. It's OK to be sad. If you are at all religious you might want to try some praying as it is often calming.

H.

First, I offer my condolences on your loss. I lost a child when I was 5 months pregnant and although the pain has lessened to an ache after more than 30 years I suspect it will never leave.

My advice, allow yourself to grieve, you have legitimate feelings than need to process. You have your beautiful daughter in your arms, yet they ache with the void of the "other" not there. I went on to have two more children after my loss and as much as they were, and are loved and cherished I couldn't (and occasionaly still do) help but wonder how my life would have been with my other child. How would he have looked, would he have resembled his brothers or his sister? What kind of career would he have chosen, who would he have married, what his children would have looked like? As I said these wonderings still haunt me, and probably always will. at every family gathering they come up and especially in November, that being the month he would have been born in.

I share all this not to discourage you or deepen your depression, but as an example. Two more children were born after my loss, all 3 children went on to their careers, marry and have their own children. I was able to take joy and celebrate fully in all of these events.

And YOU will too. be assured the pain will be less deep and soon will look back and be able to see the difference. You will never forget, but the remembering will be with the warmth of love.

I wish I could give you a reason as to why, but I can't. At first that just about was my undoing the "why" of it. Till I finally let go of that. It wasn't easy, but much needed. There was nothing to accomplish with the wondering of something for which there would never be an answer.

For now, please allow yourself to grieve (you have the right)
light candles at church, have a tree planted in your family name,knit a blanket, whatever your culture, customs, traditions and heart dictate. It will help to ease the pain and you finally get to put your lovely child in her own special place.

I wish for you peace and each time you hold your daughter enjoy HER presence, for that is an honor to both your children.

L.

J.,
Grief is what you are feeling, and it is real. Everyone deals with grief in different ways. It's wise that you are seeing a therapist. Hopefully you have been able to honestly face the fact that in spite of the gift of your beautiful daughter, you need to grief the immense loss of the other baby.
My experience is that one cannot skip over the grieving process. I"m guessing that in preparing for your new baby you were not able to properly honor the passing of your "firstborn".
Writing is a good way to open your heart. Creating a ritual to honor the passing of the other baby can help, too.
My guess is that your husband may not have addressed this loss, either. You are both probably trying to "put on a good face. Talk about your loss, fully experience it, cry, grieve, and at the same time love your new baby.
The more you can learn to accept the duality of joy and loss, the better prepared you will be to parent. Good luck. It's not easy.

I hate to tell you this but I lost twins 10 years ago and I still feel the loss today when I hear about other people having twins or when I see them strolling along at the mall. However, time does make it much easier. I've since had three other children and with the day to day activites of raising them, I don't have a lot of time to focus on my previous loss. I don't think the loss ever really disappears but you won't feel the way you do now in a few months. Give yourself time to greive.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I can't imagine the pain you must feel, even when it is accompanied by the joy you also feel for your daughter too. What confusing emotions.
And you can be a very loving mom and also have PPD too. And did you know that that kind of depression isn't only linked to giving birth? I'm part of an adoptive parenting group and many are now discussing post adoption depression and the similar feelings to PPD. You're not alone, more and more women are talking about this and that's a good thing so people can help each other.

But I don't think your feelings are isolated to PPD-- you possibly have that coupled with the NORMAL understandable grief that you've experienced from losing a child. Go easy on yourself, your pain is expected and I would be surprised if you didn't feel sad sometimes.

I'm glad you are seeing someone and I hope it helps you cope with some of the feelings. I don't know if anyone can really get rid of those feelings entirely (do you ever if you've lost a child? I know I wouldn't) but possibly develop more coping tools so they aren't quite so raw when you encounter situations such as your best friend's twins.

It also might be worth talking to your doctor to see if you might need some short term medication? When someone is under such stress and grief for a prolonged period (and it doesn't have to be about PPD, it can be about any prolonged stressful period), not to mention the hormone shifts of giving birth, your hormones can really be affected and chemically you might be out of balance a bit, and your emotions might not be able to get under better control until your body feels better. Sometimes a short term med can make all the difference to help you physically and chemically feel more in balance, which in turn can help the emotions and you can better navigate your way.

And lastly, kudos to you for recognizing that you need to something to help you feel healthy and strong again. You deserve that and your family does too, and it will happen!!

I am so sorry for your lose and will not even try to understand that pain because I have not been there. I have dealt with postpartum depression though. My midwife recommended I look into a natural remedy called 5HTP. It is a natural triptiphan that helps your body produce seratonin (the happy hormone) I have been on it now for two weeks and I feel a million times better. There are no side effects and for me (and two other girl friends) it has worked great. Look into for yourself (you can google it) This won't replace the healing you need from your lose but maybe will help you get to a better place so you can heal.
congratulations on your precious little one!

Hi J. K,
I'm sorry to hear about your loss. I lost a little girl at 33 weeks and I know the feeling you describe. It takes time to get through something like this. Me, my sister and sister-in-law were all pregnant at the same time. It was very difficult to attend baby showers and be "happy" for them when I had just gone through such a horrible experience. I cried a lot. What really helped me through was my then 5 year old daughter (she's now 16). She gave me the strength to pick up the pieces and move forward. She still does to this day. I still think of Megan and what she would be like today and smile. Give yourself some time to accept what has happened. It does get easier.

Hello J.,

First of all let me start by saying I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope today is a good day. I also want to congratulate you on the birth of your beautiful little daughter! What a blessing! I don't know if you are a spiritual person but I can tell you that I lost a son almost 7 years ago, Danny, he was 13. When I lost my son, I lost a sense of myself even though I have two other very beautiful children. In my search for consolation I realized that it doesn't matter how old your child is when they pass, they are your child and you love them the same no matter how old they get, even if they were only ten weeks old in your womb. This was your baby and it's okay to miss him/her. I found my way in my faith. God is so good to us and I beleive my son is with Him, and is very happy.

I found a group called Compassionat Friends. It's a support group for parents and siblings who have lost a loved one. This is where I learned that many parents mourne the loss of there unborn child just as much as I did for mine. You should look them up I know they have a web site.

I will be praying for you and your family and just know that in time things will get better, here I am almost 7 years later and I can tell you that I found my peace and happiness again and so will you. Enjoy your baby girl and God Bless.

M.

Dear J.,
Your request touched my heart. I haven't suffered the same type of loss that you have, but I have suffered loss. Any loss requires a grieving process. Be gentle with yourself, and know that this is a season. Cry when you need to, it's God's way of release for us. Then do the next indicated thing. It takes time and care to heal a wounded spirit. God holds you ALL in the palm of His hand. You will be in my prayers dear one.
God bless and keep you in His tender care,
V.

J.,
I am so sorry for your loss. One thing you have to realize though is that there is a reason that you lost the twin and in most cases it is that developmentally there was something wrong. Possibly losing the baby at ten weeks was a blessing, imagine having carried them both full term and then losing the twin. Love the beautiful little girl that you were blessed with and remember that you will get through this and talking about it can only help.

In my last job I worked with parents experience the loss of their child. I also have a very good friend who had a still birth at 9 mo. gestation. From these experiences, I have learned that this is a process you must go through and it's an up and down battle. There are no short cuts and no way to rush it along. I think the more completely you can grieve the loss of your baby, the healthier you can be for your new baby now and in the future. There might be a support group you can attend in your area? I also suggest finding a friend of two who are willing to listen and allow you to be wherever you are at that moment on your journey of loss.

I had several miscarriages before having my daughter. It was really tough and I'm so thrilled having my daughter. I read somewhere that with a loss it needs to be mourned and you need to go through the whole process of mourning and losing a loved one just like you would a parent. This is probably what you need to do. Maybe your therapist can suggest a group for people that have lost loved ones or more specifically mothers that have lost children.

HI J.,

So sorry to hear your story. I can't even pretend to know how you feel. All I can offer is to keep talking about it or writing about it as a form of letting go. Cry it out every day if you have to.
__________________________________________________________
Share your story with us and win $10. http://gagazine.com/join

Hey J.,
First of all I am sorry for your loss. I would say though just try to be happy for what you do have. Many people can't have kids at all. I have some close friends that have spent thousands and still have nothing. I am sure it is hard, I can only imagine, but you have to be there for the one you do have. I hope you are able to find a way to move on and enjoy the miracle that you have been given. Best wishes for you and your family. : )

I would recommend a bereavement group so that you have an outlet to express your loss. I know there are some groups that are specifically for losses during pregnancy or at birth. I lost my 2 year old and go to a group called The Compassionate Friends which helps with people who have lost children at any age. This group could help but may not have people who lost a baby before birth. I have seen on-line groups that you can chat with instead of meeting in person.

I think it really helps to talk. It helps to know that there are others dealing with the similar situations. I know that the pain must be very sharp right now but with time it will become less intense and more manageable.

I have been blesses with children but have never lost one so to say I understand what you are going through would not be right. I can only say that you should not hold your feelings inside. It is good you are talking about them and people that care will listen. But also you know that you have a beautiful baby that needs your attention and, I believe, will feel your sadness. Everyone has tragedies and deals with them differemtly. Be patient with yourself and try to trust in yourself that there is a reason for everything. Which nobody can explain why these things happen. But maybe telling your story can teach people that a life is just as precious inside your belly.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.
J.

i used a chinese herbal supplement after my last 3 deliveries to help me - one brand is SUN TEN and the name of the product is dang gui bu xue tang : tang-kuei & astragalus combination 824. it is helpful around menstrual time as well. there is also a syrup form. it sounds like your post-pardom is compounded by your loss. i am so sorry.

Well, I don't have the same situation, but something similar. Just a thought for you, I had a miscarriage at 12 weeks, then had a healthy baby boy, then another miscarriage at 6 weeks, and now am pregnant with a healthy baby girl. I was devastated after my first miscarriage, cried about it for MONTHS, and was sure I would never have what I wanted so desperately: a baby. Then I had my son, I spent the whole pregnancy paranoid that he would die before he was born, then the whole first year paranoid that he would die of SIDS and now that he's three I still have thoughts every once in a while that he will be "taken" from me in some form or another. On the other hand, I make sure to remind myself that if I had had my first baby, I wouldn't have my son... and I cannot imagine not having him here with me. I don't know what the outcome would have been had you not miscarried the twin, but is it possible that neither baby would have lived? Instead of focusing on the babies I've lost, I remind myself that if they had been here, I wouldn't have the babies I have... and in the end, God has NEVER let me down... his plan is always better than my own. That is truly the solution to all heartache, read your Bible daily and pray pray pray - God is there for you, even when it seems otherwise. I'm sure the sadness will not just go away, that's part of life, feeling sad, even devastated, but it will change with time and be replaced with other feelings. Just keep on going, enjoying your daughter, and do the best you can, that's all anyone can ask.

You've had a big loss. You NEED to grieve. It's healthy and important in order for you to move on. Only time will ease this painful wound, but nothing anyone can say can ake it all better. You will always remember your beautiful angel. There are wonderful supportive websites that help the loss of loved ones. There are even ones for babies lost in the womb.

http://paigespage.org/friends.aspx

J.,

It sounds like you are doing the right things. You're aware of your feelings and functioning and you are getting support ( a therapist).

Remember, the feelings you have for the loss of your other baby are very acceptable. You lost a child. No one can ever really know exactly how you feel or what you go through. As parents, we think that our children will live on after us. It is very difficult when they don't get to do that.

You may be feeling very alone too. Your husband or other family members may also feel a loss, but it is a very different feeling for the mother when they loose a baby during pregnancy. And no matter how far along your were, that was still your baby.

Keep in mind that people grieve differently as well. So what they are doing or have done to cope with it may not be helpful or enough for you.

Get in touch with your resources and see if there is a support group in your area. You can talk with other moms (and dads) about the loss of a baby during pregnancy.

I live in the San Bernardino area and we have people come from the high desert or orange county to attend our support groups.

Good luck with everything, and keep up with the therapy.

J.,

Seeing a therapist is great. If you need meds, do it. Other than that I think the only thing that will help is time. I haven't lost a twin but I've had two miscarriages. People think it isn't a big deal but it is. You get very attached to those babies the second you know they are inside you. Grieving is NORMAL. My first miscarriage was almost 5 years ago, my second 3 years ago and I still think about the babies that apparently weren't meant to be. At this point it really only tugs at my heart around the time of year when I lost them and around their due dates. I now have two other children and I love them dearly but that doesn't change the fact that I still think about the children I lost. I would think losing one twin would be just that much harder because then you spend the rest of your pregnancy on an emotional roller coaster grieving for the one you lost and being happy for the one you still have and probably feeling guilty about being happy and guilty about being sad.

Hang in there and keep up the therapy. It will get easier. You never forget but it does get easier to live with.

T.