Trying to Make This Marriage Work, HELP!

Set up marriage counseling (you do it) and let him know ahead that you are setting him and plan to go.

I'm so sorry you are so frustrated...a marriage should be a partnership. It sounds like you should go to marriage counseling together. If he won't go, then go without him. Good luck!

PS I also agree with Sheila's advice

I am going to give some advice that I learned in my second marriage that would have proven useful in my first marriage. It probably wouldn't have kept me in my first marriage but it is useful for all marriages. No one else is responsible for our happiness. Get happy with yourself in your first marriage before you change your life. Get going on being your best friend. Husband definitely sounds selfish if you asked him to go out, on the other you can get a babysitter and go out yourself. Bone up on lots of friendships. Take a lot of bubble baths and read good books. Get a babysitter into the house while you take the baths and read the books if you can't go out.Let the dishes go a bit. Address some of these issues: Why doesn't he take your son out without you? I know I trained my ex husband to be so free to do whatever he felt like that he did. And I privately stewed and still stayed in as that was my definition of being a good mom. He is selfish if you asked him to stay home and go out when you are out of town. You are correct. But what about you picking a night out then with your friends while he stays home with baby.Since you aren't very interested in him it would probably do you good to go with friends anyway for awhile. If you leave him he's going to be out with your son and you won't be able to do anything about how that works out or whether he wakes up while the baby is napping because you won't be there. Babyhood is such a short time. Husband might still be lacking in fatherhood strength, he too is new at this as far as you indicate and we all walk into these marriages with pre existing ideas of what each one is supposed to be. Just for now pretend like he's not there and get yourself really happy. Then decide if he's as bad as you think. He could be, but then you have a better premise on how you are going to make your own private life work without him. Sounds like you are watching him watch the baby. If you weren't around I have a hunch your baby will still be alive. I used to think the same things about my first husband. I was told by other people that he was doing alright when I wasn't around. I used a lot of energy being a mommy to my child and trying to foresee what failings my first husband would have and anticipate what sort of a failure he was going to be. Well, I did leave him. And I did remarry, but it is a scar that my children and I live with the rest of our lives, so be very sure that's what you want forever. The grass is sometimes different on the other side, but not necessarily greener. And when watered a lot of lawns turn out very lovely down the years. So goes marriage.

Please watch the movie, "Fireproof" starring Kirk Cameron with your husband before you make any decisions. The weekend is right around the corner. How about rent or buy it and plan on it for this weekend?
C.

First: I see you keep referring saying "my son" not "our son", so may I ask is your husband the father of your son? The reason I ask that is because some men can have a hard time raising another man's son.
Second: If this is his son, I agree that he should step up to the plate and help in the raising of his son but some men are just not equipped naturally with these abilities. More so if you are a very young couple. In many cases Younger fathers are use to being taken care of NOT taking care of others. They are much more self absorbed that nurturing.
Third: What kind of father his your husbands father? Men get direction as they are growing up by how there father acts.
Fourth: When it came to the idea of having a child was your husband all for having a child or did he just go along? Some men agree to have a child only because their wife wants to have a child and were grew up being told, "You get married and have children," not really knowing what is involved with having children. Again this could fall back to my third point. If your husband did not get good direction from his father or a male figure, he may not know what it is to be a good father.
Fifth: Is he willing to go to parenting classes? Parenting classes are offered in many town or cities. Often if you look in the right places your county will offer these classes for free.
So before you get to upset look at your husband and look at him hard. Look through the faults you listed above. Look at who you married and how he was raised. Look at his father, look at his mother. Was his mother an enabler? Did she wait on him and his father like she was a servant? I will say it again that for your husband to be a good father he has to know how to be a good father. And that does not come from you telling him how to be a good father. It takes work and your husband has to be willing to want to learn. And I pray he is because his son needs a father to teach him how to be a good father.
In closing I will say I hope and pray you're able to work everything out because divorce is not always the answer but sometimes it is the only route left. But remember if you feel you are raising your child alone now think about life after a divorce. The idea I would give you is to sit down in quite time and really pray about what you what out of your life. Don't expect your husband to do things he just does not know how to do and try to teach him with gentle hand how to do things he does not know how to do.

God Bless,
S.

Most time I read what is being said and I don’t response; however, your venting caught my eye, and touch my heart. As a mother and wife I learn from experience that nagging won’t work with a man. It goes in one ear and out the other one, never stopping in between. As I was read your venting I asked God what I can say to encourage this lady today. First of all you said frequently my son it is not just your son it’s our son, explain to him that our son need his father in his life to show him how to grow up be a provider, caring, strong, loving (add a few more adjectives) individual. Hopefully this will put some fire under your husband; because if he thinks you see him as you have spoken maybe he will start living up to it. “Call those things that be not as though they were.”

How much respect do you have for your husband?

Sometimes we just have to learn to “shut up” and release the situation over to God. If you want change in your marriage try something DIFFERENT.

First of all, I am so sorry that this is occurring. It makes my heart so sad to hear. Noone's marriage is perfect, but the key to a happy marriage is direct communication. From what you wrote, you are expecting your husband to behave a certain way, and not directly communicating that. Sit down and be direct with him. Start with "I feel that...." and try not to point the finger or blame him, just let him know how you feel. Also, have you considered marriage counseling? Do you all attend a church or have a pastor who could help with this?

I'm praying for you and I hope for the best outcome.

Ok, I have to assume that you are having other issues too. It does sound like your husband is not really stepping up as a dad. Does he work full time? A lot of men make the excuse that because they are at work while you are at home, they need to 'relax' when they get home. It is JUST an excuse- a lot of other guys step up and realize that being a dad isn't just a fun thing to do when they feel like it.

Take a good, hard look at your spouse and your marriage. Is he willing to go to counseling? Do you honestly believe that his behaviors will change- that HE will make those changes on his own? (all the nagging in the world or problems will not make him change unless HE wants to, so don't sit around thinking it will miraculously happen on its own). Are there other issues of trust between you? Is he drinking too much? Partying? Cheating, etc? All these issues will affect not just you and your marriage, but your child's well-being.

I am looking at the other responses below and again, I cannot say enough MARRIAGE COUNSELING ONLY WORKS IF BOTH PEOPLE MAKE IT WORK. When one person just nods and smiles and doesn't do anything, you just spend a fortune on counseling and everything stays the same. That may not be the case for you, but it was for me.

As far as shutting up and letting God take care of things... God gave us brains and hearts and voices for a reason. God allows people to get divorced and make changes in their lives all the time. I do not believe that God wants you or your son to stay in a marriage if you are suffering. You take care of reality; God will love you no matter what you decide to do. Don't let some of these other posters 'guilt' you.

Your son is little now, but the household he grows up in will shape the person he becomes. He needs a safe, stable, happy environment. Can you provide that while staying with your spouse?

I went through terrible times with my ex. he never hit me or anything like that, but he lied to me repeatedly and although he was an attentive father, he never seemed to understand that giving piggy-back rides does NOT make up for not paying the taxes, etc. There are a lot of components to being a good, responsible parent. In the end, he was just NOT WILLING to make any changes or really work on things- believe me, we went through it all, counseling, etc. and he just put on a big act in front of people and didn't actually change any of his behavior.

When I first saw a lawyer, I was told that I 'couldn't afford to get a divorce' If you honestly believe that separation is better for you and your son, never listen to people who tell you that you CAN'T. I went to my family and at first they were horrified, but gradually came to realize that my husband was not going to change. With the help of them and some friends, I got the paperwork I needed to make custody arrangements and get child support. I had been a stay at home mom- I got a small apartment near my son's preschool and a job at a bakery and went from there. There were a couple of difficult years, but I felt so much better- it was amazing. My son still saw his dad every other weekend and at that time, his dad never asked for more.

Some men are just happier not seeing their kids all the time. I don't mean that in a mean way. They just don't want to deal with all the hassle. Now that my son is older and my ex is remarried to a very Type A woman who doesn't mind managing and taking care of EVERYTHING herself, he sees our son more often. I am engaged to be remarried in June to a wonderful, kind, committed and RESPONSIBLE man who loves me and loves my son and has a great relationship with him. All of us- parents and step- see each other at soccer games and school conferences, etc. and get along politely. If you had told me it could work out so well, I would have left my husband two years before I actually did. I KNOW that my son is better off with things being this way.

Only you can decide what to do. Be strong and brave and true to yourself and your son. That has to come FIRST- your child comes before everything, even your marriage in my opinion. You are his mother- really look at your situation and decide if you are both better off where you are, or divorced. It doesn't sound like your husband would WANT custody of him, if he can't be bothered to get up from a nap to check on him. He will still be able to see his son and have a relationship with him. It may very well be a healthier relationship if he is not around full time. I wish you the very very best of luck!

Try making your problem, his problem. Honey I would love to make that wonderful dinner you like but I can't because I need help with the baby. If he begins to miss out because of his lack of participation and it is pointed out to him if you do this I can do that, maybe he will help out more. Men like to fix things have him help you with this by assisting you. If he is still getting everything he needs from you and you can handle the baby, he won't think there's a problem. His non-participation needs to effect "his" needs. A lot of men don't participate in activities with the kids unless it's something they are particularly interested in. Tell him to take the baby for a stroll while you make dinner. this will allow you some free time to prepare a nice meal for him and get him to spend time with your son. Men don't respond to nagging. They miss the whole meaning of what's really going on because of how it's presented. And wake him up when you need him to get the baby. I know you feel it's not your responsibility but if you want the help you got to do what you got to do. Start making plans to go out yourself. You need some me time too.

You married this guy because he does have some good qualities, didn't you? Try to see the good not just the bad. Sometimes it's hard because you can't seem to find the good. It does get better, but you need to tell him what to do. My husband does help alot but I still need to tell him what to do, he is not around the kids all day long so he doesn't keep up with what they do and their needs - they young so it changes all the time. So tell him what to do but try to be nice. I know it does take alot of patience but in the long run it's worth it. In January when my 2nd daughter was born she had acid reflux, it took the dr almost 3 months to find out what was wrong, I was almost crazy and felt exactly the same, except we don't have any family on this continent let alone close by! So I didn't have any help and I told my husband this is what his responsibelities are and he had to help other wise I am gonne get help and it's going to cost us extra since he isn't doing his part, we weren't even close to a divorce! It happens to everyone!

Hang in there, it will pass, but SPEAK UP other wise you going to be lonely and sad!

Good luck!

I know you don't want to hear this, but that seems to be the way "most" men are.

It's like having another kid sometimes...

You might want to enlist the help of close friends or family to give you a break with the baby and try not to concentrate on what he's not doing, but still make sure you get your necessary alone time.

You sound like you're becoming pretty frustrated and overwhelmed and sometimes all it takes is a couple of hours with no responsibilities to give you the mental refreshment you need.

I can definitely relate...unfortunately.

this reminds me of a situation with my DH. usually, I'm up late, doing dishes, straightening up and sweeping the kitchen floor. i am not a neat freak by any stretch of the imagination, but I have a thing about not leaving gross stuff laying around overnight. one time I had to go out kind of late. I was very tired, and did not feel like coming home to a huge mess that I'd have to stay up and clean. I asked DH if he could please do those things for me. he said, "what are you implying?" I told him I wasn't implying anything, that I was straight out asking for his help. he looked at me as if I was speaking in another language. then I realized, he is not being selfish, and that I have to very specifically ask for what I need, e.g., "please sweep the floor." old dishes and clutter don't bother him, so he'll always choose going to bed over straightening up.

just a thought. he might not even realize he's doing anything "wrong". we also pick one weekend AM to sleep in (he gets saturdays, I get sundays).

additionally, I don't know if one of you is a stay at home parent. I'm a SAHM, and I will tell you that the childcare duties are definitely more mine than his. DH loves our daughter and spends scads of time out and about with her on the weekends, but I left the workforce to focus on her developmental needs (she is on the autistic spectrum). when she was in day care and we both worked, the division of labor was more 50/50.

good luck. it's hard to find that middle ground during the first year of parenting, but totally do-able.

Hi R B,

Are there other things in your marriage that are making you unhappy? The reason I ask this is if your husband not helping with the baby is the main reason, I would strongly suggest that everyone learn to cooperate. I have been married for 18 years, and have 4 kids, ages 14,12,8, and 20 months. Life is full of ups, and downs no matter who you are with. I like many other moms have done things for years without the help of a husband around. Many of us have had to carry the load so, that they could provide for us. I am not saying that it is not very frustrating for you, and that you are not tired, but it sounds like your husband has a lot of growing up to do, and until he realizes that, you are both going to be miserable. Divorce I do not think is the answer to fixing what is wrong, but you need to do what is best for you. I would suggest seeking out a great counselor for the both of you. If he is unwilling to go to counseling then you need to surround yourself with a good support system of friends, and family. Life is so full of good, and bad, but it is also what you make it. I wish you the best of luck!!!

Honey, he sounds no different then 80% of the male population... You expected more probably when you married because they make promises they can't keep. You're not in this alone. Most moms do the majority of raising on their own which is why he probably is the way he is. His own father most likely did no more than he does so that's the role model he had. Don't expect so much (not that it's much) and you won't be disappointed when you don't get it. If he's a hard worker and supports your family be greatful for that...many men don't even do that anymore. Make sure you raise your children differently so they don't give their spouses the same problem. His immaturity about being with his friends is just that. Surely you saw this in him before you married him. He may never catch on. Sorry to have to tellyou these things and I wish you the best withyour life and family.

Hi RB! First of all, kudos to you for trying to work it out - marriage is SO hard, and it take a lot of work. My advice to you is still try to stick it out. I know how you feel - I have a 17 month old daughter and a son due in Nov., and while my husband is a wonderful provider and works very hard to allow me to stay home, he really is not an equal partner at all when it comes to parenting. A few months ago, I was feeling exactly the way you are. After much self-reflection I've come up with a few things that have really helped me: First of all, we can't expect men to act/think like women. (my mom gave me this advice, and it's true!). As wonderful as it would be if our hubbies would just see what needs to me done and do it w/out our asking, or get up on their own when they hear the baby, they just don't. I don't think most men are wired that way. My husband has gotten up with our daughter in the mornnig a total of ZERO times since she's been born, including during the 3 months I was throwing up every morning b/c of morning sickness. When I confronted him with this, he simply said, "just wake me up. I have no problem with that". Like you, I got upset and thought, "why can't you just get up on your own when you hear her?! I do!". Well, after listening to my mother, I've started just telling him exactly what I need him to do to help, and he does do it... willingly! I think we just need to get over the "guilt" we feel for asking for help. Secondly, recognize that there will be seasons (maybe weeks, maybe months, maybe even years) when we don't feel like we love our husbands. That's normal. A couple who had been married for 60 years said that the secret to their marrigae was that they "never fell out of love at the same time". Interesting. Feelings wax and wane. Try to think of love as an action, not a feeling. Do things to show you love you hubby, even if it's the last thing you feel like doing b/c you know you might not get anything in return. You'd be surprised at how your hubby may start responding if you start being more loving towards him (this is really hard to do... trust me, I know!!) One day a while back when I was especially discouraged about my marriage, I just sat on the couch and prayed. I didn't know what to do b/c I didn't "feel" like being in the marriage any more. The answer I received, clear as day, was "honor your vows". I committed, before God and many people, to love, honor, etc. my husband for better or for WORSE, no matter what, for our entire lives. I realized I was taking our vows lightly and that, regardless of what my husband is doing or not doing, I'm only responsible for my end of the bargin. It is actually a very liberating concept, since you can only control your actions, not his. My last bit of advice is to make a mental list throughout the day of 3 things you husband did, said, etc. that you liked or were positive. The reason I say to do this is because I think it's easy to get in the habit of only looking for the negative in our spouse (I know I'm guilty of this!). By spending the day being on "the look out" for the good rather than the bad, you may be surprised that your husband isn't quite as bad as you've been thinking he is. Well, enough rambling! :-) Hang in there, and pray. God will give you the strength it takes to get through this rough patch in your marriage. He brought you two together, and He'll see you guys through this!

Hang in there, you may be experiencing a really hard time in your marriage right now, but when it gets better it will be so fulfilling! When I'm not a mom I'm a marriage counselor and I would recommend whole heartedly seeking out counseling, there are a lot of things that you can get out of it even if your husband isn't willing to go. If you would like some help on finding a counselor let me know. Also some great books out there that focus on when only one partner is motivated to actively work towards change are Divorce Busting by Michelle Weiner Davis, The Love Dare (The Love Dare came out when the movie Fireproof did and they go together, the movie is also a fantastic one to watch when your in a rough patch) There are a ton of great marriage books out there, another short read that is nice is The Four Seasons of Marriage by Gary Chapman, I like that one because it makes sure you don't feel like your alone a lot of marriages get to the point you are now. Good Luck and Hang in there and good for you for wanting to make changes and work things out in your marriage!!!

Unfortunately I think this is a pretty common problem. I was ready to leave my husband before our son's first birthday. He works 2nd shift and I work first, so I get off work pick our son up and then take care of him by myself all evening. (Did I mention he had collic from about 4 weeks to 6 mos? Lots of nights I didn't get to eat.) From other Moms that I've talked to the first year is the hardest.
I'm not trying to give you a hard time, but "Not my responsibility" isn't going to make things any better. My husband just doesn't realize things on his own. It's a pain to have to ask him to get up with the baby, but he just doesn't realize that I want/need him to. He doesn't typically look at the living room and think hey, this needs vaccuumed. But if I ask he'll do it. Men and women are vastly different! Women are more in tune with the needs of others and most men are oblivious to the other people sitting on the couch with them. Maybe he didn't get up because he was sleeping really sound and didn't hear the baby. Seriously, you're getting mad at him for something his subconscious did. It's not fair, and it probably never will be, but you can't expect your husband to know what you want or need in a specific instance. It's your responsibility to tell him, even though he doesn't have to tell you what he needs. If you ask for specific help and he refuses then you've got a reason to be really angry. I'm not trying to take his side, but the sooner you realize your differences the better for everyone.
I'd also recommend that the two of you see a counselor. Sometimes when a third person validates your feelings a man will take you more seriously. My husband tends to think, oh, she's just over reacting and she'll get over it. Having someone else tell him, Dude, she's pissed and she has a right to be really made him take notice.
Good luck to you! Before you go ahead with a divorce just keep in mind that some help is better than no help (and that's what the situation would be if you were on your own).

hey,
well im not married but i do kno what your going threw. when me and my bf had our daughter we never thought about religon or the way we would rasie her, but now that she is here we do fight about how we will bring her up he comes from a very old fashioned and a different cultured family and there are some things i think are just stupid and make no sence. i think you have to give a lil to get a lil in the sence of the up bring of your son but i think he needs to actually listen to you if he cant listen to you maybe you should try marriage counciling, but if your not happy still your son wont be happy you have to think for you and your child and if that means leaving your husband, when your son is old enough he will understand why you did what you did but this is only one side of my thought on this...you have already tried to make things work, well maybe you need to put a fire under his a** and put him in his place let him know if he will not change and do the things that you want then your done but just dont say it actually do it then soon enough he'll be running back asking for you to come home, but thats if his heart is in it he can be really fustrated or umm..uneven about the changes of having a child now. so he can be wanting to get away it can be to much. from my experience if he really loves you and doesnt want you to leave he will step up and if not then maybe it might take you leaving him to realize what he really wants, you just might be the one that got away in his case you never know, so put your foot down and stand your ground dont fall...hope this helps you!!good luck on everything i hope he comes to his sences!

The first year of parenting is a challenge for any marriage. Please think about getting some counseling so that you can work together on being better partners to one another. The baby period is intense, but it is short and some people find it more difficult than others. It's just one small part of a marriage in the big picture.

No one here can know much about your relationship from a short post, but nothing you've said sounds all that insurmountable to me. If you divorce, you'll be doing all that stuff on your own anyway - plus holding down a day job. If you don't love each other, if you cannot partner, that's a different story. But it sounds to me like you just have different ideas about your roles as partners and parents. It seems like the outside advice from just a few sessions with a counselor would be helpful.

I've gone through some of the same things your talking about with my husband. My son is 2 1/2 and it's rough being a new parent and adjusting. My husband was the same way - he expected me to "ask" him and in my mind he shouldn't need to be asked - he should "know" what needs to be done. Then, when I started asking him all the time to help with things, he did them willingly, but then I felt inadequate (and ashamed) that i had to ask for help, especially if it was for me to sit and relax for a little bit. For the first 1 1/2 years - I went through a lot of what you went through, and finally it took me to break down and tell him how unhappy I was for him to realize that he needed to help more. He still waits for me to ask and that irritates me A LOT..but things have gotten better..but I don't think my husband will ever understand that he shouldn't wait to be asked to do things - he should know what needs to be done....but I've faced the fact that he's just the blind to things - and I tell him to do things (and still feel bad and like I'm nagging), but again - if I don't say something - I don't get help. Now.. I've got him doing more and helping more with my son...if I can just get him to help with cleaning and cooking..that would help a lot.

Good luck...and tell him what you want him to do....men just don't get it.

Being a mom is really hard work, sorry to hear you feel as if you are doing much of it alone...but as long as he is being faithful, providing and present I would choose to focus on those incredibly wonderful traits and stop focusing on the really annoying and discouraging ones of him not being as helpful. While it would be fantastic to have his help in all that, if you become a single mom not only will you not have the help, you son will not a have a present dad, which by all accounts is very tough for kids (an thus you in essence choosing to be as selfish as he is being by making that choice).

Try complimenting him on the things he is doing (i.e. what I mentioned earlier, or think back to why you married him to begin with) This change in mindset will do you both a world of good, I gaurantee it will help him feel better than your nagging and it will also help you as you try to deal with his other inadequacies.

When you got married you made a vow, he is being immature, but he is not breaking his vows, and I would recommend that neither do you. All of this could be really helped by a counselor or a pastor, he clearly needs some perspective that would be much better received from someone other than yourself.

Also not sure what your spiritual beliefs are abut there are a million great books on this subject...The Power of a Praying Wife by Stormie O'Martin, Sacred Marriage, The Marriage You've Always Wanted (or really anything by Gary Chapman).

Praying right now for you and your husband and your precious little one.

This is very common, I think most mothers can relate to this. It is especially common in the first year (especially if you are nursing) before the baby starts being more "fun" to play with. I think fathers find it easier to bond when the child is walking and talking. This is by no means an excuse for the fathers' behavior, but it is just to say that there is hope that it will change as the baby gets older.

Also, the first year with a new baby (especially if it is your first) is VERY hard, so I would wait because things are sure to get better. I had a really hard first year, but am much happier now.

Also, I had similar issues with my husband and I found the book "How one of you can bring the two of you together" very helpful, and would highly recommend you read it.

Wow, you have already gotten a lot of great advice and I am going to chime in. Try reading "Babyproofing Your Marriage". It is not going to solve all of your problems, but it will make you realize that just about everyone goes through this, and you will laugh out loud at some of the stories that will make you feel like you have it made! My husband and I went through exactly what you are going through (I think). Our daughter is now 3 and we actually decided to have a second and our son is now 4 months old (and BTW it is exactly the same the second time around). Obviously this is your life choice, but I would recommend not getting a divorce. It gets better. You will both adjust some.

My biggest piece of advice to you is for you to start asking your husband to do things. Eventually it will become part of his routine. He probably wants to help but feels like he can't do what you want him to do the way you want him too. At least this is what my husband said. Although you mention that you asked him to stay home and he didn't, I don't know the full story, I think if I was direct to my husband and said "I need you to stay home" that he would, but there may have been other circumstances for the 2 of you. Anyway, once I started asking (or at times telling) my husband what to do when I needed him to do something, things got much better. Now he actually goes downstairs every night when I am putting my daughter to sleep and cleans up, which is great, because I am exhausted when I am done and now I get about 45 minutes to just lie in bed and read before I go to bed. I no longer have to ask, it is just part of the routine. Also, he gives my son his bath almost every night, while I give my daughter hers, which is a time saver as well.

Anyway, good luck. It does get better!

D.

ALL marriages go through this after the birth of a child unless they had already hashed it out prior to kids being born.

What you should do is write out a list of every single thing that has to be done for your son and for the house. Put how long each takes to do and how often. For instance - mowing lawn, every other week, 2 hours, give bath to child, every other night, 30 minutes, fix dinner, every night, 30 minutes, clean toilets, every month, 30 minutes.

After you have that list, sit down with your husband and tell him, "Honey, I know that we are both stressed, and I am feeling lately that I am in charge of everything. That feeling is making me mean and crabby, so I really need to have us work out household responsibilities. Here is a list of every job that has to be done in the house, and how often. I need us to split this up and figure out a more even way of taking care of our son and the house so neither of us feels bad about it."

I think most guys just don't see the stuff that has to be done and don't think that way.

You aren't alone adn what I've found out is that some men (my husband included), didn't do much with my son the first 2 years, no, I take that back, the first 4 years. Now that my son is able to run and play, now my husband is finding that it's now fun to play with my son. He still rarely will sit on the floor and play with the kids and I have always found it odd. One day, I was speaking to a guy at work about my problem and he asked me if I have any idea if my husband's father was involved with my husband at a very young age. He said most guys feel the raising of the kids is the mom's responsibility and when the kids are old enough to play ball, that's when dad's responsibility comes around.

Thinking back, I knew my husband's mom was a SAHM and his dad worked 2 jobs. I asked my husband if his father ever payed with him and his brothers and he said not that he recalls.

So, I've learned that it's more of a learned behavior.

I've also learned (by talking to others) that my husband was afraid of making the wrong decision and that I'd chew his head off if he made a mistake, therefore instead of making decisions, he would forever ask me what I thought the kids would want for dinner, he would ask me what outfit to dress my daughter in, he would never ever take it upon himself to say, oh, the kids need a bath, I'll start it. It was always me telling him every little step of the way what to do. It's extremely frustrating (in my eyes). I found myself plenty of times telling him "it's going to be 80 degrees outside, which outfit do you think she would feel most comfortable in? A short outfit or pants and a long shirt?"

Some times he would get it wrong and I swear to this day, I think he purposely did so in the hopes I would give up giving him responsibility and do it all myself.

I also had to remind him constantly that I didn't decide to have these kids myself and that we both work, therefore we should have equal responsibility.

As for the clothes, I match everything up, place them on the appropriate hangers and then place them in the correct area of her closet (she has 3). I then had to explain that the section to the right was for this summer, the section on the left is for cooler days that require pants and the top part is for fall/winter - not to be used yet. Out of a good 20 outfits she can wear any day, he always picks the same 4-5. But, I don't stress about it. I've tried explaining that it would to see her in different outfits, but it goes in one ear and out the other.

E-mail me your personal email address and I can send you a document that you can change around to your liking. In it you can list Bathtime, dinner, lunch, breakfast, daddy time, mommy time, family time, etc.

A friend down the street admitted that her husband has never cooked dinner for their now 5 year old daughter, nor has he ever given her a bath or read to her at night. She said that he would screw up the simplist of things so she finds it easier just to do it herself (oddly enough, he's been laid off work and she works full time now). I told her that he screwed it up on purpose knowing she wouldn't ask him to do it again.

I also (without my husband knowing) give my husband a choice, stay home and watch the kids or take a list I've created and go grocery shopping (something, I find difficult to do with kids). He will always choose grocery shopping - whereas I perfer to stay home with the kids.

I walked into parenthood believing it will be 50/50, but the reality is that if you believe it will be 50/50, you'll get maybe 10% out of him. So, I always tell new moms, expect 75% from him and hope for 50%.

The first 2 years of your son's life can be the toughest (in my eyes) on marriage. But, you'll soon find that he'll grow up sooner than you think and your husband will then want to get involved.

Just as of last month, every Tuesday night when I head out to school, my son would cry at the door. My husband called me and said he feels bad that our son doesn't want to be with him. Now, I've been going to school every Tuesday for the past year. I asked my husband what he had planned for for night. He said nothing. I suggested every Tuesday he take the kids out and do something fun. That way, they will look forward to me leaving. Well, it worked, he now takes them out to dinner and to mini golfing every Tuesday. The kids love it, in fact, they always tell me that while I was at school, they had a lot of fun with dad and want to know if I can go back to school everyday.

But, it took me to suggest that he do something fun with them. If I never suggested that, they would just be home doing the same old thing.

So, start a conversation with your husband (outside the bedroom) and let him know that you would need more assistance from him. You might also want to brainstorm with him and write down all the responsibilities each of you do, throw it in a hat and then make a board with each of your names on it (side by side) and tape each responsibility up on the appropriate side to show who does what (it can be everything from taking out the garbage, cooking dinner, bathing your son, putting him down, cleaning the bathrooms, making the beds, etc.)

Give him a chance to speak and just expect more from him and don't get upset if he screws something up (because he will).

Start with the little things such as taking turns changing diapers, taking turns putting him to sleep, putting him in the car seat, feeding him, etc. Oh, and thank him (not right then and there, but later in the day, just say "I really appreciated that you helped out with XYZ today). I know, I know, we don't get thanked at all... but if you want him to change, you have to make a little move towards feeding his ego.

Good luck and if want to chat off line, send me a message.

~C.

Hi R.B. I am older and been through alot more so heres my older lady advice. First of all you both are young and new parents. Divorce is a horrible thing to go through, unless hes beating you, cheating, controlling, all I am saying things can be so much worse to the point that you have to get a divorce.Your situation seems workable over time, you both are just learning, women take the baby and the new situation by the reins and do whatever needs to be done, guys are on the side lines and are like duh what should I do. Its like your writing a brand new chapter in your life and you never know what the next page will read and either does your husband.One day at a time, one problem at a time. If you think about it you both married each other because you love each other give it a shot I have seen so many divorces and its sad litigation goes on for years stress levels are high it changes how you look at life, you will be alone in a small apartment just you and the baby talk about feeling so alone.Anyway I wish you luck, I hope I gave you a different persective and didn't hurt your feelings. Take Care A.

I think that you need to get a back bone and put your foot down. Yell at him. Tell him that your fed up and can't take it anymore and if he doesn't change something soon that your thinking of getting divorced. Start crying in front of him so he knows how upset you are with everything. Keep takign care of your son like you already do but DO NOT lift a finger for your husband. Don't make him dinner, don't talk to him, don't do anything for him. See how he likes it. When he asks you why your doing that tell him, how do you like it. Says this is what I've been going through for a year now, no help at all. Maybe he'll get the point. When you leave out of town for a week tell him that this is your little break from everything and that when you come back if things do not change, you cannot do it anymore. See what he says. Hope everything works out for you. Sorry. If you want to talk email me.

Number 1. You can not expect anyone including your husband to know what you need or want. Do not ever expect him to know what it is you want him to do or need him to do. You must communicate these things with him. If you need him to take your son to the park, make dinner and feed him, then tell him specifically...do not beat around the bush.

Number 2. If you think it is hard now with your husband not helping you and you are contemplating divorce, imagine how much harder it will be if you are alone with your son for 5-6 days with no help at all. It is not easy, it is extremely difficult. You will be responsible for EVERYTHING and have no time for yourself unless you get a sitter. Make sure you are ready to deal with the consequences of your decisions before you make them.

Find a babysitter now and start taking some "me" time and you and hubby time.

Good luck

hi I understand the venting because sometimes us women need to vent what i suggest is to you is not to stay in your marriage because of your son and if you are complaining about doing everything and he dont just imagine how it will be if and when you divorce. also what I have learned when it comes to relationships you as a person have to work on self and I learned that from watching a movie called SECRET you should watch it because no one is perfect.Just to let you know I'm also married with kids and I handle every thing I do tell my husband what he needs to do.some time they dont know how to be Dads because they didnt have one which is no excuse I know.I understand your pain its not as bad as you think.just tell him to be more of an adult an not like the baby that have to be shoed every thing

I totally sympathize w/ you! I'm in the same situation except I've let it go on for 4 years & have had to go back to work. Then the un-equality of our marriage really became obvious. Because I'm only working 30 hours to his 40, his under the impression that I have so much more time. Within the first month I realized that I was running around doing housework and errands all day & then I'd go to work. He would be home sitting on the computer & making frozen pizza for dinner. So, I stopped doing things around the house. Told him I needed to actually spend some fun time w/ our son and he would have to figure out the rest. Still didn't work so well. I also hate asking him to do things. I don't want to be his mother! I shouldn't have to tell him to pick up clothes or wash dishes after dinner or give our son a bath. Sorry but I shouldn't, this is commonsense stuff.
I think a lot of men act this way b/c we let them. My mother insists that the woman will always give 90%! That's not a relationship and I think it's ridiculous. My mom raised my brothers to be the same way. I think men have been given a free pass. They just don't notice these things, but they can remember every guy up for the draft. They just don't think it's necessarry, but my husband has a fit if my son leaves toys on the grass. But food on the floor is just fine!
Sorry I have no real advice, I've been trying to talk to him for years and all I find is that we are having the same conversation every few months. I'm sick of it and once we are out of this financial situation I think I've had enough.
The good side is as our son is getting older and can do more my husband will do more w/ him. Go to the park, bike rides, even took him for a guys weekend @ a friends cabin ( of course I was working). But if you do leave him, your husband will have to find ways to connect w/ his son. Maybe thats what they need. We let them get away w/o doing much....I hope everything turns out well for you. And it's nice to be able to vent to someone going thru the same thing. Thank you

Try Marriage counseling, and maybe once he hears your concerns in a different setting (not at home) he will pay more attention to what and how you are feeling. I too, had some issue in my marriage and we attended a session and after hearing me without all of the outside noise (house, kids) I think he really understood that I was not happy. Best of luck...this marriage thing is not easy, it is truly a lot of hard work. Believe me...you are not alone.

Ask him if he is scared to take care of your son? Sound slike he doesnt know what to do., Do you have a sitter at all so you two can go out alone with out your son to try to reconnect slowly, i am talking a walk, a movie. You also just need to leave him. You can have directions that are laid out for the sitter so incase he gets nervous he can see and foloolw the directions ie feed dinnner at 6pm etc. You NEED to just go, how can you do this? make dentist appts dr appts , lunch witha friend on a sat, sign him and your son up for a gymnastics class or somehtign together so you are alone at home wiht out them. It will help your marriage and your son and his dads relationship. You also need to keep telling him in a way he will get it like ask him to schedule time to take his son to kiddieland or for a stroller ride or to the park and it is ok in the beginning to tell them what to do. My husband still has to be told to feed the kids, he hates food and has tons of food allergies and is never hungry so he doenst understand that other are hungry even if he is not, so I ask him can you please make them dinner, I am going to do the laundry and I am meeting the neighbor for a walk, thanks and love you and I take off. you are just going to have to do that and if your son crys it is ok they will gee used ot each other and that is what makes it even better.
good luck I hope this is what you are looking for.
J.

You and I must be living in the same house - but I have twins! We just started going to marriage counseling. This is the last "hope" before I file for divorce. There is a reason why I had kids when I got married - so he can be my partner in this. I don't want to go into detail, but I feel your frustration.

I remember being at this breaking point with my husband when my first daughter was a baby. I was so tired, angry and frustrated. He too needs to be told EXACTLY what I want from him. When I do that he does what I need him to do for the most part but sometimes I feel like I have another child. It still makes me angry that after 2 kids he still doesn't seem to know their schedule and remember to feed them properly. After 5 years of this I have come to realize that while I am focused on our kids all day every day he is focused on work. So I have become much more assertive about what I need, what the kids need and most importantly when I absolutely need a break I make sure I get it.

I also think you should reach out to other moms with kids your son's age. those moms will absolutely understand your daily challenges. My girlfriends have kept me sane!

I really think this is just a really difficult time in any marriage and it takes time to make such a big lifestyle adjustment. Things will get easier.

Ahhh, I totally know where you are coming from. My hubby and I were togther for 12 years before I got pregnant, very happy years. We had our daughter and everything fell apart. We had the same issues, I was always home alone with the baby while he went on with his life. It got really bad, really bad. To make a long unhappy story short, we stuck it out and now my daughter is almost three and things are back to where they used to be. I think men (most of them) just can't make the adjustment to focusing on someone besides themselves as well as women can. That's not right or fair but I think it's true. My hubby didn't care about what I was going thru either but we did work it out. I don't think there really is anything you can do to make him see, it has to come from him...no amount of complaining will do it. If you want your family togther, do your best to focus on what you're doing and hopefully he will come around.

What you are complaining about sounds pretty normal. Most guys just don't "get it." They don't have the maternal instincts and don't have a clue on what do to! LOL! As long as he helps you when you ask him, what's the problem? Ask him nicely, respectfully, let him know how much you appreciate it when he does help. Face it, mothering is YOUR job and he just doesn't know what to do unless you tell him. He sounds like a typical guy to me! Adjusting to kids in a marriage is difficult. Keep fighting girl! And look for the good in him and praise him for everything he does right. It really does help you and him. Best wishes.

Dear R.B.,

Sweetheart, you did do a lot of venting and that was good. Maybe there is a church group you can join with other women in your situation, they can vent to you too. Life with a new child is such an adjustment and sometimes the books and lessons on making those adjustments get ignored. But, like anything else, practice works. Can you find some magazine articles in parenting magazines that identify with your problem. You could Google, see what you come up with and offer them to your husband to read. I have heard the high schools are starting to offer life lessons, but they are probably taken more seriously by women.

I've been married for 20 years and have 3 teenagers, when the kids were little, I really felt like I could have used more help. I found a church that had a moms group, it changed my life. My husband was starting his own business, he was away often but when he was home there was a lot of love and kindness. What you give you get. Give the love and you will get the love.

M.C.

There is a wonderful place in Geneva called The Couples Clinic. They offer marriage classes and counseling. www.thecouplesclinic.com . My husband and I had a marriage that was "just ok" - nothing major was wrong. We had disagreements but it didn't seem "that bad." I'm so glad we went to counseling. It's tough to take that first step. The class is inexpensive and helps you see the world from the other person's eyes and gives you ways to help communicate your feelings and needs more effectively. I have no regrets and try to tell my friends that we have gone. There's such a stigma around going to a psycologist or clinical social worker, but I felt so normal when I had the chance to talk through things with a professional. I feel that everyone should go at some point! It was good to know that we weren't the only people out there to go through this and that it was possible to get through it successfully.

Hi,
My personal opinion is this is just a lack of communication. I think you should ask for a time when you all can sit down and talk;and discuss your concerns without any yelling, facial expressions,body language, etc. Remember "For better or for worse" in your vows. Your concerns are minor. Everything is a test. If you can't get through this small issue, and move on to another relationship you will eventually have to go through this same issue again.

Maybe you all can compromise; ask him to pick a day of the week where he will give you some alone time and he take on the responsibilities of your son. That way he will know on this specific day each week he can't make any plans because it is your day. Also pick another day of the week where it is family day; and on this specific day he can only do things that involve all of you all. Let him pick the days; that way he thinks he is making the decisions. lol But remember a man needs his time also; let him have it.

Running away won't solve the problem. Once you all resolve this issue, there will be another one (just expect it; it is a part of marriage) I hope this helps

Your not a lone thats for sure. Although a lot of my problem is he works A LOT... I still have the same problem when he is home. I think for us women we don't understand why men don't know that things need to be done or that we just need some help with EVERYTHING. I am constantly annoyed with my husband because he just doesn't help around the house. I love my husband more than anything but there have been plenty of times I just want to ring his neck out! We have two kids and most of the time I am taking care of them by myself. And your right it is nice to have "help" but for them to be involved and know would be wonderful! I would love to say that there is an easy fix but its a constant battle to make him understand. We go through times where my husband is GREAT (after I have cried my eyes out and yelled at him because I need help) and then we go right back into him not helping and the cycle begins again.

Hang in there. Being a parent and having a husband are ruff. But you can do it!

Some men are just not good with babies. Your son is still very young and your husband might not feel comfortable taking him places and doing things with him. When your son can walk and talk, it will be easier for your husband to interact with him. The first three years of a child's life are the hardest on the mother. You can't go out like you used to and sometimes it feels like you have a ball and chain attached to your leg. Moms also can get resentful that they are doing all the work. We have all been there. It will pass. Give your husband a chance. It is a very lonely world out there on your own. You are in a rough patch but you will get through it. Do you have some family to help you?

Read the nooks Love and Respect and The Five Love Languages. They really have a lot of good advice!

Wow, R B you sure got a lot of advice here! I wanted to add a little. I think most men are just oblivious to this kind of stuff. It doesn't make them weak or dumb, just different. My dh and I had this same fight many, many times over the past 13 years and it comes to this, we're not the same we complement each other and they cannot read our minds. The last was huge for me when I grasped it. I hate to ask and refuse to nag, so that meant I had to get through to him on the first try. lol. What I discovered is he changes the furnace filters, clears slow drains, fixes toilets, mows the lawn & does all kinds of things that escape MY attention! We complement each other.

About the baby, some men aren't natural dads, but they grow into the job if you let them. Tell him I need you to ______. That helps a whole lot. You may have done that, if you did and he's still not doing it, I like what another mom said about making it about his needs ... gee I'd like to make love but I'm worn out, I've not had a moment of peace since the baby came. I don't mean go on strike or anything, that is a very imporant part of a healthy marriage, but not making a gourmet dinner because he won't watch the baby might get through to him.

Pair up with another mom so you can get some peace, even an hour here and there. If you don't have anyone near you, hire a teenager to come after school and be there while you're home or so you can run out or just take a nap. If you can't find a good teenager, check around at your church. There are resources. This is temporary, believe me, it's the hardest while your kids are small.

Hugs,
D.

first of all I have a similar husband-but you need to ask yourself if you still love this man...if you arent in love with him anymore, it will never be able to work out! You live one life and you deserve to be happy! On the other hand, there are only a handful or 2 of men that really take equal parts in raising their children--I am not bashing all men cause there are some awesome ones out there, but they arent mind readers. What i learned is if i need something done i need to ask and if i want to go somewhere alone i need to let him know ahead atime. Sometimes i even need to schedule an appointment to take a shower after his long day--He doesn need to ask to go out, he just tells me but I love him and i guess i can tchange him so after many explosions and comparing him to others i have learned to deal with it! I am not unhappy, though there is always room for improvement as I am far from perfect also! The only thing he does know though...if he wants time alone with me at night he can help me get the kids ready for bed! The more he helps out the less tired I am and the more time i can spend with him watching a movie ect! Good luck and remember you arent alone!

I hope that the following resource might be helpful for you:

http://drphil.com/articles/article/368/

Best wishes,
J.

Hi, from what you have stated I have been where you are and I want to encourage you that there is hope. My husband and I have been through more than I can begin to tell you but I made a choice to never give up. Somedays that is easier said than done. We are about to celebrate 12 years of being together and I have to tell you that our marriage is better now than it has ever been. There is a wonderful website full of resources that you can check out if you would like. I also subscribe to daily emails that encourage and strengthen me and our marriage. The website is www.marriagevine.com . I am not sure where you are located but there is a wonderful marriage conference coming to the Chicagoland area on Sat., Sept. 5th. My husband and I will be attending as a way of continually working and striving towards a blessed marriage. Please feel free to contact me if you would like more information or need anything else. May you be blessed, J.

I hope you do have the support you need, I know what you mean I have 3 boys and they are always with me or in school.
Really think about it, Do you love him? Have you talked to him?

I think I gave up so I do all the running around, and try to stay sane.