Two Children 16 Months Apart

I have 3 sons, a 3 year old, 2 year old and a 4 month old. My two oldest are 16 months apart, and my middle and youngest are 22 months apart. Although I am not currently working (I was an elementary school teacher for 6 years in Indiana), I do know the apprehension you are experiencing. I didn't know how I was going to get along without any help. My children were all born via C-sections, so I had my mother to help me out for the first two weeks. I remember wanting to cry the day she drove away from my house. With that said, it wasn't nearly as bad as I was expecting. I taught my oldest son how to help me out by grabbing diapers, burp cloths, etc. I used him to help me out as much as a 16 month old could. I would often turn on a Disney show while I was nursing to keep him occupied too. After a while I was so sick of staying home I even got really good at shopping with two (and now three). The Baby Bjorn and my Hooter Hider are my best friends. I've learned to nurse with my littlest in the Baby Bjorn while I make dinner. As for sleep issues, right now the boys actually sleep through a lot of the new baby chaos. Sometimes they wake up, but a little rub on the back and a hug works most of the time. Then there are nights when I've got two toddlers in my bed. We have also been trying to give each kid some one on one time with at least one parent when possible. Include your oldest in helping out and make sure to spend a little time with just him when you can. Don't stress, it's not so bad. You will find a way to make it work when you have to. Good luck to you!

E. K

congrats! you will do great ! my children are 28 mths apart but put together some specail books maybe a movie or quiet games that your 16 mth old will enjoy doing when you are feeding the baby that can be just for feeding times. also get help ask friend and family to help this is a great time for dad to bond with the older child... you will be amaze what your older child will be able to do for himself and that is good being more independent..... also if you are interested in looking into a hoem based business so you could stay home with your children let me know my business is listed on mamasource thanks warmly K. d mother of 14 11 9 today and 23 mths

Hi D.,

First of all, congratulations! I can understand your anxiety. I had my last two girls 21 months apart. And I will say it was not easy. As a mother of four; ages 7,9,23, and 29 I will say the experience of babies so close together is much more work than spacing them out, but there are alot of benefits too. My youngest have a built in playmate, but also alot of fights.

Certainly it is much easier now and their ages mean they have similar interests so I'm not trying to satisfy the needs of children in different developmental stages.

As far as guilt that you will not be able to be fair, I think the whole be fair thing is overrated and I never fell into that trap. Your children are individuals with different personalities so one size will not fit all. Each will have their own needs and as a mom if you get caught up in thinking I spent $800.00 dollars for the saxophone for one child, now I have to spend and equal amount on the others, that is ridiculous. You will love them each, entirely, love is not a finite thing that gets divided up. You give ALL of your love to each child. As far as age spacing. It is done. It is what it is, so guilt is a waste of time

When my youngest was about 6 weeks old though I became very discouraged. I felt I was over my head. Life with one only changes a little and it is more of a novelty. With two you really become a veteran mom. People no longer treat you as the "new" mom and help, though likely needed more, is less readily available. It can be isolating.

I would highly suggest you try and hook up with a mom's group in your area to meet, have play dates, share ideas etc.

No matter what your experience is, remember, truly, these years will pass quickly so try and enjoy them. If previously having an immaculate home was important, I hope you can learn to relax these standards and simply enjoy the delights of your boys.

Truthfully, more important then soley breast feeding, finding the best preschool or serving only organic foods the single most important ingredient to happy, healthy, well adjusted children is a happy, loving, satisfied mom. So relax, and enjoy.

God Bless,
J. L.

Hi D. -

Congratulations on the "soon to be" birth of your second son!

My kids are 11 1/2 months apart. I am not going to sugar coat it for you. It was REALLY hard... AT FIRST! My daughter hadn't even learned how to walk when my son was born, so I had to carry them both. I also went back to work when my son was just 8 weeks. It was really hard "being" because of being exhausted, and just hoping that I was doing the right thing.

The first year was the toughest becaus of the different stages of the kids, but once my oldest started to get a little bit more independent...It was a lot easier. The biggest thing that I would say, is when you need help, ask for it. Also, your husband needs to be very involved. Don't expect to do this on your own and being super mom. If you do that Super Mom will end up being Super Tired all the time (and Super Cranky!!). I unfortunately had a husband who needed to leave the house by 630am, and didnt get home until 730-8pm most days. It really caused a rift between US! (thankfully, he has a new job that is closer to home!) But your husband will need to help you get the kids dressed in the morning, help with dinner (or at least do the dishes) at night, help put the kids down himself - so that you can get a moment to your self.

As for being fair, you will just know. if you are concerned about it, you will know who needs the attention at the time. if they both need it, grab the hubby. if he isnt around, get on the couch or even take them in bed and just cuddle with them, it will help calm them down, and even may relax you in the meantime.

Sleep problems. I had my share. my oldest was (key word - was) the best sleeper until she was about 20-22 months. my son didnt sleep through the night until he was about 8 months, do the math... when one finally fell asleep, the other wouldnt. We ended up taking my daughter to the Sleep Specialists at Childrens and actually saw Dr. Ferber (the ferberizing method of crying it out fame), but he wasnt all about letting her crying it out... he wanted us to readjust her internal clock (she wouldnt fall asleep until 1030 and then could - if we let her - sleep until 830, with waking up about 2-3 times every night). As far as what to do with it, you take it as it comes. you could end up having a great sleeper, or have pretty much 2 years of never sleepig through the night like I did. but you do get through it.

Now, they are 4 1/2 & 5 1/2. people mistake them for twins all the time, and they are the best of friends!! they still fight, but it is great that they are close in age because they can play while i make dinner.

Good luck, and when the time comes, you will just know what to do.

L.

Hi D.! I have two boys as well and they are 18 months apart but my oldest has been doing awesome with taking part and helping! He is now 21 months and the baby is 3 months. When we had the baby we had purchased a baby boy cabbage patch doll and brought it to the hospital we told our son it was a gift that the baby brought him. Now whenever I need to do something for the baby he has his baby that he can feed or change or whatever he needs. I also ask him to help with things like getting his brother to smile or grabbing a diaper and he loves the responsibility! Every child is different but I agree if you include the older one things will go a lot smoother! I also have them share a room because we have asmall house and so far so good! The baby slept in our room for the first eight weeks but so far is sleeping almost through the night so we put them in together and they are doing great! It may take a little while for them to get used to each other-more so for your older one to get used to the crying but its working great for me! I would also recommend spending special time with each one whenever you can. I try to take my older son grocery shopping with me and then maybe stop to grab a bite to eat and leave the baby with Dad. Right now the baby doesnt really get the special time but when he is a little older he will! I think one of the most important things I have had to realize is that if my oldest bumps the baby or drops something he is too young to really say he did it on purpose he has to come to learn that he is a baby and we have to be gentle! Also this is the age where they copy everything so whatever I do he will-which is a great way for him to learn! I hope this helps-Good luck!!

Hi D.,
My 2 boys are 20 months apart and I felt terrible guilt about diverting attention from my first, and honestly the guilt lasted until the baby was 3 months or so. But now he is 6 months and I'm beginning to realize how totally unnecessary it was - my older son loves his brother now and is really taking an interest in him. He feels happy when I show love to the baby and smiles when I play with him. Meanwhile, the baby smiles when I play or rough house with the older one. They want to see Mom loving the other. So if you can help it, spare yourself the guilt and do what comes naturally in terms of spreading the attention. The baby spends a lot of time on my lap while I play and I always try to include him by mentioning "he likes this game" or something like that.

The other advice I have is to be in charge. I used to let my older boy lay in bed with me or scoop him up instead of making him walk before the baby came. He would still sometimes insist afterwards, but a few firm instruction that he had to walk himself helped. And as others mentioned, just don't expect to get anywhere fast! Best of luck - it will be great and you'll be so proud to see your first show a new side!

HI D., my children are also 16 months apart but are now 12 and 10. everyone has given you good advice but I thought I would add this, the hardest part for me was bedtime. I did not make sure before I had my son, that my daughter would go to bed on her own. I was still rocking her to sleep so the first night home with 2 babies was very hard! (my hubby worked until 11pm). So make sure you get the 1st going to bed/naps on their own (meaning you put them in their crib and they go to sleep on their own). Other than that it's a wonderful juggling act that takes well planned choreography but is fun and rewarding! Good Luck!

D.,
I have 3 kids, they are all close together in age and i wouldn't have it any other way! My oldest is a 4 1/2 year old girl, then i have an almost 3 year old girl and a 20 month old boy. Its great, they nap at the same time, they use the same toys and they actually play together. I think we're closer because the kids share in everything. Lets see, oh yes potty training is easier with the younger siblings because they imitate the older ones. Diaper duty seems never ending some times. They only thing that i have found is I think i've always treated the girls like they were older, because now that my son is almost two I still look at him as a baby were I would have expected the girls to be more independent and grown up. Some times I feel a little bad that i had such high expectations for them, but on the upside they are very mature and often mistaken for older kids. I dont know if this gives you any help at all. But dont worry everything will be great and I think you'll enjoy having your children close together, even if its overwhelming at first.

to start with congrats.. my first 2 kids are 10.5 months apart and are the best of friends. Balancing time is not hard (baby will sleep a lot, ect)... But sticking to what you promised will be hard with the older child. Make things special for the older child and let him help as much as possible, even if it slows you up. try to keep a nice daily schedule and take 5 minutes to have the older child sit on your lap while you read or tell a story or just hold him..

Hello D.,

I only have one almost 2yo girl right now, but I heard some advice once in a magazine that I think is always worth passing on: If both children are crying, tend to your OLDER first, because he will remember feeling like he's always being "tossed aside" because the baby is crying. I wish you the best of luck, and I know you can do it! :)

My children are 14 1/2 months apart, and I had the exact same concerns. We tried to find "activities" that I could do with my first that we could implement prior to having the second. But we tried to realize that for the first 2-6 weeks after having baby #2, I wasn't going to be able to run around, hold or do anything to active. So we decided to have "movie time" for 1/2 hour in the evening, where my first could sit with me and watch a movie. We'd have popcorn, or another snack, I'd give him little tickles, he would get his blanket & just snuggle with me, etc. During that time, my husband took care of baby #2 and let me focus all of my attention with our first. We implemented that about a month before having the baby, and we stuck to it. To this day he still asks to "snuggle" with me when we watch a movie... now I have one on each leg. LOL! When the baby was first born, I also put him to bed every night and sang him lullabye's.

My grandchildren very close in age and yes it's a lot of work to take care of children that young. The problem you'll run into is that you'll expect the older child to do more than he's capable of because you want him to grown up a bit to give you more time with the baby. It's a hard balance. You'll do fine just make sure you take advantage of friends and family to care for either the baby or your toddler so that your toddler gets plenty of quality parent time.

One suggestion is to make a rule that your toddler doesn't touch the baby at all. There is no reason why a 16 month old needs to handle a baby and they do not understand the difference between gentle and rough. Giving them permission to say touch the baby's feet or hands only doesn't help since they tend to be impulsive.

I have 2 boys that are 2 years apart. I was really worried that my oldest would be jealous or feel neglected when his brother arrived. So I made a point to tell him often that "we" had to work together to take care of the baby; that we were a team and I needed his "big brother" help. He was in charge of getting the diaper when it was time to change the baby, or talking to him while I changed him. It helped a lot and he was very proud of being my "big boy helper." I made sure I made a big deal about his contributions and never made him help when he didn't feel like it (but he usually did).

When it came to nap time I would tell him that I'd put the baby to bed first so that when it was his turn I'd be able to rub his back...it would be "our time." Then I would just make sure I grabbed the littlest one if he woke first so that he wouldn't wake my oldest.

Overall, we had our tough moments but it worked out fine. And I was a single mom to boot, so I'm sure that with your husband's help you'll be fine.

Congrats, by the way!

Congrats D.!! My two are also 16 mo apart and I'm so happy for it - they are absolutely the best of friends and they take good care of one another (but yes, they still have their occassional fights).

My advice would be to include your first one as much as possible. When my sister brought my daughter in to the room to see me and the baby for the first time, we sat my daughter up on the bed with me and my sister told her "here's your new baby" as she got to "hold" him. I would never have thougt to say that, but my daughter's face lit up and she was beaming as she got to hold her little brother for the first time. Ever since that moment, she's felt a sense of responsibility and bond with him. She would get me his diapers and wipes, talk and sing to him, let me know the second he started to cry. My two even sleep together by choice (although they both have their own rooms)! They wake in the morning and start playing - without even coming to get me!

I think you'll quickly find your balance...the new baby will sleep a lot in the beginning and that will free up some time to spend with your son. Have your son talk to his little brother about the fun things they can do together and the things that your first son can teach the second. Let him hold and help care for his little brother. I'd also recommend not letting the second one get away with harassing the first (you know how it is with the little ones learning cause and effect - like how it makes his brother cry when he knocks down his tower).

There will be hard days but everyone will learn to adjust and so soon, you won't even really remember what life was like with just one. Your son is so young that he'll never remember what it was like to not have a little brother. I think that you'll be happy with your choice to have them this close in the years to come. Good luck!!

My SIL has 2 boys 13 months apart. She has to just take one day at a time. She's a stay at home Mom but has people come over to watch the kids so she can get work done because she's starting her own business. The one thing I have noticed can be a problem is the later the nap is in the after noon the longer into the night they will stay awake. I have actually stopped giving my daughter a nap all together unless she falls asleep while running errands and I try to do them all in the morning to prevent late naps.
Remember to get your own time. Mom needs to recharge. Whether you work or not being a Mom is a BIG job. My outlet happens to have become my career as well. But just doing crafts like I do or going to the salon, getting a massage, having a house free of ALL noise and take a bath. Whatever it is, recharge! I also suggest getting time alone with Hubby as well. You two are still in a relationship, so you still have to act like it. I know it can be hard but it is totally worth it and can keep your marriage from falling where you don't want it to go.

My children are very close in age and are now teens.

My advise to you.... love them. Be there for them, when they cry, laugh, have something to tell you.
Believe it or not, they will be just fine and so will you.
Summer will be here before you know it and you'll enjoy those months home with them. You'll appreciate the time spent with them even more after school and on the weekends.

Remember, that sometimes you can't give your time 50/50 to each child. Life doesn't work that way. Sometimes one of them will need more of you than the other and it will be okay.

Just take a deep breath and enjoy motherhood...their younger years are over in a blink of an eye.

Hi D.! Well congrats, first off! How exciting!!!! I'm writing to you with some encourgaement =0)

First off I'm the oldest of 3 kids. My mom had us each of us a year in a row - i was born jan '82, my brother oct '83 & my youngest brother dec '84. My 2 brothers are only 14 months apart - let me tell you - they are SO CLOSE ... even to this day. They grew up sharing a room together their whole lives, they shared friends, they always had each other, and still do!

My mom had 3 of us but still managed to take care of us all w/no problems. You WILL be fair to both kids - whether they're born 16 months apart or 3 yrs apart or 8 yrs apart! Sleep issues - you'll find your groove. I promise. My boys are 2 1/2 yrs apart - share the same room & have since my youngest was born & they're fine! the oldest learned to sleep through the cries & now they both sleep like rocks! Again, you'll find your groove.

I don't think you're giving yourself enough credit =0) You're gonna do just fine. I'm sure of it. As far as mistakes? We ALL make them. It's part of being human - and normal as a matter of fact. Enjoy your pregnancy & enjoy your oldest while u have him alone =0) and when the baby comes - enjoy watching the both of them interact, take lots of pictures & remember - time FLIES! Once I Had my 2nd child, every day seemed to go by way too fast & i feel like i blinked & they're now almost 7 & 5 .... i still can't believe i've been a parent that long =0) Enjoy - they grow too fast.

Good luck & congrats again!

D.,

Hi I also have 2 boys 18months apart. I had just moved to the U.S from Canada and had no family here so I was a little worried at first. When I got home from the hospital we had a party for my oldest and gave him a present from the baby and we even had a cake. He was so excited because I kept telling him he was now a bigger boy and the baby would be so lucky to have him to play with.
My older son LOVED the baby and it turned out he was quite helpful with wanting to "get" things for his brother. I was breast feeding the new baby at the time and my oldest son wanted to sit next to me and watch etc. I included my oldest in everything I did with his brother.
My two boys are now 11 and 9. They are the best of friends but also fight quite regularly... It has turned out that my youngest is the one who would get jelous of the attention I gave his older brother but as time went on he out grew it. I do remind my children that God gave them to each other and in life they will always have their brother to talk with and rely on. I wish you the best of luck and I will keep you in my prayers.
Dolly

Hi D.,
Congratulations! I have 3 kids, 1st 2 are 17 months apart, 2nd and 3rd are 14 months apart. I'll share the advice my sister gave me. You can't divide your time evenly to make it fair, you just give each kid what they need, sometimes one needs more other times the other needs more. My kids are now 3,4 and 5. It is a lot of fun, they like to do similar things and are on the same schedules. Once you get past being so tired, you can really enjoy it!
have fun

My oldest two children were 18 months apart and I had the same fears you did. I was surprised by how well my oldest adjusted to his little sister, and I hope you will be, too. As for advice, I recommend you stop worrying about how to be fair to both of them. If you worry about being fair, they eventually will, too. You'll spend countless years running interference between them and making sure they have equal everything. My two children are very different and unique. My younger one was an easy baby and required (and got) less attention than her brother, who was a high-need child. They are 8 and 10 years old now and are both doing great. Respect their individuality and do the best you can to meet their needs. If you feel yourself doing something out of guilt, stop yourself immediately. The beginning is very busy and challenging, but it truly gets easier. I think it's a wonderful age difference for children. They will never remember life without each other. I wish you all the best!

My two boys are two years apart I would think 16 months would be easier because the older one is probably less aware of what is going on. First 6 months very hard but then it gets easier. I also went back to work when my youngest was 14 weeks, it made things harder. I spent so much of my pregnancy worried about how my older was going to respond and how I was going to handle the craziness. You somehow just do! Enjoy the rest of your pregnancy and stop worrying. When you bring the second one home sit him down somewhere off to the side and don't mention him to your older child just let him discover him on his own. Don't make a big deal out of it. Worked for never an ounce of jealousy.
Working Mom! I have two boys 3 and 10 months.

Hi D.!

My boys are 19 months apart, so I know what you're going through! The guilt was awful, but it was unnecessary (easy for me to say now!). In my experience, my 19 month old could have cared less when his little brother came home from the hospital. It was nice actually, because he was too young to feel jealous. It's a lot of work though. At least until #2 starts walking, then it became a bit easier. I treat them both the same - none of this "he's your little brother, he doesn't know any better" business. I've found if you treat them fairly, they learn how to be fair. They are now 4 and 2 1/2, and they play great together. So fun! :) Good luck.