Two Fighting Kids

A mom I really respect tells her kids that they can't play together when they fight. It works for her - they realize that they are happier and have more fun when they are together. Good luck!

I raised two boys and they fought all the time. Even when they grew up. It is part of the love they have for one another.
It is normal. I could play a game with them and they were fine. They are just needing attention from you. My boys loved board games and they could play for hours without fighting. Let me get on the phone or in the car driving. They would fight all the time.
Be blessed they are healthy and able to show emotions.
To this day I only have one son alive. My oldest son was killed in a car accident last year.
And I wish I could hear them fighting again like that use to. Believe me there are worse things.
Let them be young as long as their are no broken bones or blood let them have it out.
Get some ear plugs and just smile and be blessed you have two healthy children.
Have a Great New Year!!

there is a book you might want to get. it is called scream free parenting. you can get it at screamfree.com (I think) or amazon or barnes and noble. it is a great resource and I would recomend it to any parent or parent to be.

Being proactive has been the most helpful for us. (Mine are 7 & 9 and I know just how you're feeling!) Having some structure to the day, getting out of the house to do something before lunch, having planned time alone for everyone -- all of these things have helped. Also limiting screen time for everyone and eliminating toys that always cause conflict (pick up sticks was ours). I don't mean doing these things as a punishment but just matter-of-factly -- hey, let's all take a break from each other and we'll enjoy being together more later, for example.

I've got two boys ages 3 and 4 1/2 and I follow the Love and Logic parenting techniques and it is wonderful! Basically, with sibling rivalry, the idea is that they fight because it is safe to do so becuase they know that you will always intervene before it gets truly dangerous. Intervening literally makes it ok and safe for them to really let go on each other. When our kids fight, we send them to their room together and tell them that they can come out when they've figured things out and are friends again. Even at our kid's young ages, they caught on very quick and figured out ways to resolve their issues and be friends so they could get out of their room and continue playing. It's great when your four year old comes out saying, "Ok Mom, Daniel gets 5 minutes with the toy and then I get 5 minutes, ok?" And then my 3 year old is standing there watching me to see if I approve of their solution and will let them go play.

If they are persistently fighting and are very loud, whiney, hyper, ect., I sometimes separate them and have them grab some toys and play in separate rooms for a while.

Another thing that works for us sometimes is called "time in" where instead of sending the greatest offender to time out, I have him grab some toys or activities and he has to stay in whichever room I'm in and play quietly. This is great for calming them down.

The only other tool I can think of right now that I've used successfully is to get my boys focusing on a sit-down activity like coloring or doing a craft, or sending them outside to play (take this outside) to help them get rid of their excess energy. Whichever is most appropriate at the time.

Oh, maybe one more thing. Asking them to help me with chores. Sometimes I'll do laundry or dishes just to occupy my kids (who are very bright and tend to be hyperactive and find it hard to calm down). My kids love to unload the dishwasher (they put all the dishes on the counter) and to change the laundry (they take turns on a stool to reach into the washer and hand it to the other boy who puts it in the dryer - it's so cute!).

Best of luck! If you get real crazy with the noise, etc, try music in headphones with one ear off to listen for their needs. It's incredibly soothing and helps me to keep calm sometimes when my boys are screaming their lungs out playing 'lion' or whatever.

Read "Siblings Without Rivalry" by Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish. I'm sure you can get it at the library and it's available on Amazon for $11.16. These ladies know their stuff - they provide great advice.

I am 41 year old mother of 5 boys, ages 21,20,18,13, and 7. You strike me as a wise, understanding, loving mother. Try taking time out for yourself. Get a sitter and go to a movie or something. Kids need wild play sometimes esp. boys esp. during winter break with little outside play time. We used to push all the furniture in one room up agaist the walls and used the open space for supervised wrestling etc. Those times are some of the most memorable times for all of us. Kids and dad get their rough play and mom gets to enjoy the fun.

Hang in there. My boys are 5 and 3 plus I run a childcare out of my house...it gets pretty crazy sometimes. I found with my boys the only thing that worked was giving each of them alone time...seperate rooms for minimum 1 hour, no tv, but playing with Legos for my older son or reading, puzzles etc., for my younger son it usually an art project, playing with race cars, books, puzzles etc. Change it up everyday and let them know ahead of time what they will be doing for their special time everyday so they can look forward to it. I also make sure that each boy has a few toys that the other is not allowed to touch...this keeps some of there toys special to them, they already share so much. Try and get them outside at least once a day, morning and let them RUN,RUN,RUN! This will make the afternoon time much easier for them and you. Hang in there...it will take a few times of trying new things. Take a deep breath, we are all here for you!

i am new to mamasource and am addicted to responding already! i know what you mean, my daughter is 10 and my son is 3. they fight, but they have their moments. Quintins new thing is hitting, for revenge. and well Sydney is sometimes caught offguard by his anger. he'll pull hair and basically growl and howl at her if he doesn't agree with her. it drives me insane and of course makes me really MAD. i sometimes leave it to the two of them to get along. i always correct the irrate behavior of my boy, but have to also counsel sydney that she is older. and should be setting an example to her brother by always saying 'i apologize for whatever it may be' and then have them try to compromise their fight. it may be over toys, snacks, belongings. Whether you think so or not. they will understand your explanation. if something is not right, try to calmly explain that this is his or hers and maybe when we can we'll get you one too but for now just take turns. Even if feelings get hurt or somebody stays mad as long as there is not shouting or hitting, i would leave it as that. Sometimes my daughter thinks that i am not fair for always getting on to her, but she is older. Quintin certainly gets the correction that he should get at age 3. My advice is to always be firm, and not to be a pushover, going back on your word, if you say you will do something, do it. otherwise the kids will continue. Sometimes, during hectic situations such as fights in public i have to step in and make jokes of the both of them so that their attention is directed toward humor, they forget they're even fighting. And this is way better than somebody getting in trouble or being mad.

It sounds like your children are bored with each other at the moment. I home school my children and we do have these cycles when they are just sick of each others faces. This is a good indicator that they either need some one on one with you or your husband or they need a play date with someone else's family. Keep talking to them about what real family is (probably will need to do that until they are 18) but get them some time away from each other. Sounds like they really need a break.

This may sound a little random, but I have found it to work with other friends. Not sure how you feel about alternative remedies, but you may be willing to try anything at this point. In Chinese medicine anger is associated with the liver. The liver is the part of the body that detoxifies us, among other things. Lots of things can stress the liver, particularly food allergies. I had a friend with the same problem as yours. I sent her to our doctor and it turns out both children had food allergies and their livers were unbalanced because of it. When she solved the food allergy problem the anger issues dissipated and the kids are now doing great. Just something to consider. Or...I have a couple of friend who followed the "Love and Logic" tapes and it worked really well in pulling their children in line.

Hope this helps!
J.