Two Kids, No Time for Myself...

I joined the YMCA...I take my kid to the drop off child care that is included in the membership. You can go take a yoga class & a shower & the kids can play...pick them up feeling refreshed...hang in there woman!!! they are lucky little ones to have such a loving mommy!

A

My dh went through the same thing when we had our second son. He just didn't know how to have two kids all by himself, even though he left me at home with them all day. It is frustrating. I found that if I left at 7-7:30 at night or so when all he had to do was get them ready for bed he was okay and he started to figure out it isn't so bad. At at 7 I still had a few hours of open stores, and Target is open even later.
Good luck.

You already have a lot to read but I just wanted you to know that I have had issues with my husband too. He can be very short on patience and sometimes it is just easier to do it than listen to complaining and frustration and then the kids getting the short end of the stick. BUT then it gets to be too much and it builds and builds and then you have a breakdown.

After I had a total melt-down and laid it on the line that I couldn't take it anymore, my husband was more understanding and got the picture that it is also in his best interest to have a happy, semi-sane wife than a worn-out unhappy mom. He still struggles with impatience, and managing the kids but he does better. Now he has workout time at the gym and I get some scrapbooking and girl time with my friends plus more help in general around the house.

Maybe a set day of the week and time frame to run errands might help. That way you can make plans for that time and he can get mentally set for that time to manage the kids. Then add a weekend time each month, and go from there??? Good direct communication is best but putting a little fear in him too might help (you don't like taking care of them alone for an hour, imagine all the time if I end up in the mental hospital!!)

Good luck and be assertive! Your sanity is worth the fight!
K.

Okay, number 1 - these are your husband's children as well and whether he likes it or not he can watch them both and learn to handle it. My husband is the same way but I don't let that excuse get in my way. Besides now that I leave my son with my husband more often, my husband is doing just fine and doesn't mind much anymore. Yes, 2 kids is more work but he can do it. I also know how you feel about the only time you have to yourself is when you have errands or housework to do. Consider leaving the kids with your husband at least one day a month and go out with friends or by yourself - get lunch, have your hair and nails done, go to the library to read a good book, or take a nap, whatever relaxes you. Do the same for your husband if he feels he needs that alone time too. Get a sitter when you can and have a night out. Or there are centers where you can leave your kids for just a couple hours while you wind down a bit. Here in Grants Pass, we have a Kid Zone and for $5 they'll watch your kid play for 2 hours. Maybe you have something like that near you. Good luck, you just have to be creative and make that time for yourself.

D.
www.workathomeunited.com/D.

I know this may seem weird to you, but you need to just tell your husband you are leaving for a little while and go have some "you" time. He is perfectly capable of handling the kids for a couple hours. Besides, it's good Daddy bonding time. Go get yourself a pedicure, or a massage...or even go read a book at a quiet park. It's not easy having 2, I know from experience. A happier "you" will be a happier mom and wife :) Good luck :)

K.

First of all I'll say that it will get easier as they get older! Second I'm going to respond with the thoughts that came to my head as I read through your message.

I know that having more than one can be overwhelming to some, but your hubby needs to step up to the plate and be willing to take on the children by himself sometimes! Have a little chat with him and schedule in shopping/errands one night or weekend afternoon per week ahead of time so that he is prepared for your absence. This may seem strange, but it's worth a try. I absolutely cannot run errands with my 3 and under crowd, so I have to schedule it in when my hubby is home.

I totally understand the frustration of only getting out when it is errands, grocery shopping, etc. All of that is work to me and I really don't enjoy doing it, but it must be done and since I refuse to do it with the children I must compromise! I often try to do something fun for me while I am doing all of the other tasks though - even if it is simply getting a mocha! Get a pedicure, manicure or haircut while you are out or maybe even schedule to meet with a friend at a local coffee shop for half an hour while you are out!

Again, this time is short and truly you will not remember it in a couple of years! So keep it in perspective, but definitely get some time away and get your husband on board to support you through this season!

Wow...you really struck a chord. We had just moved to Portland and I had three children, 15 months apart. It was a great blessing as we had been being treated for infertility issues for years. No family less than hundreds of miles away and no opportunity to make friends. Internet in infancy, nothing like this...
It does get better but if you are accustomed to working outside the home (as I was) and keeping the "Type A" home, the transition is very difficult.
I felt like I lived in some surreal version of "Romper Room" and just could not get ahead of the chores and kids. I couldn't! They helped to train me. Instead of all white carpet and furniture, I bought things that were durable and cheap. Instead of mopping three times a day, I got used to wearing slippers so my feet wouldn't feel the mess...some things just have to slide.
Your husband is your equal partner;he doesn't get the option of "not handling it well". I'm assuming he agreed to having these children so he needs to spend a few hours a week reading about and or attending classes about parenting.
When you get out of the house, you should not be disturbed by him unless it is a genuine emergency involving fire or blood!

If you don't find a way to take of yourself, you won't be much good to anyone else. Your resentment will fester, your patience decrease, your primary relationship falter.

I have walked in your shoes and there is light at the end of the tunnel, but you may need to accept that it is okay to see a movie alone, for you or your husband. You need time away from someone "needing" you and the constant demands of motherhood. What if your husband's job had no start time or quitting time or lunch breaks? How would he feel? GOOD LUCK!

Hi J....It's J.. Sorry I had to :)

I know exactly how you feel. My husband had the same struggles and always wanted me to take at least one child with me when I left the house. There are a couple of things that I have added to my routine that have made a world of a difference.
If you are not doing anything to make yourself feel pretty or sexy, find something!!! I found a wonderful skin care line (which I am now a representative with) Sensaria Natural Bodycare. The smells and the way the products make me feel and look just make my day! It is a simple and quick way to do something for yourself and your skin everyday. My second suggestion would be to set at least one day a week for a few hours for just you. Let your husband know how much you need this and he should be willing step up. You should physically leave the house. Go to Starbucks and read, go get your nails done, something, anything relaxing. Everything really changed for me when I signed up to be a rep with Sensaria. I get out of the house and have an amazing time with groups women and am making amazing friends, plus making some cash! There are many direct sale companies out there all designed to create the balance you are looking for.
As for getting things done around the house, I designate mornings as my work times and afternoons as play time. I used to put my youngest in my Snuggly or the Pack and Play and do stuff. My oldest I set up drawing, playdough, or even a laundry basket with some toys (that keeps him busy for a long time). Now that they are a little older my oldest helps me with the chores sometimes and my youngest plays.
Find the balance however it fits you best!

Consider hiring a babysitter - either a senior who is still able to handle kids, or a teenager. I know women who had no family nearby who did this. I have done this. Even if it's for no particular reason other than you want to flee to the woods for a hike (which I've done). Or consider taking one when you go and leaving the other.

Also, prayer and meditation REALLY help when you are stressed out. But you have to do it before the kids get up or after they're in bed at night. I find this helps more than anything. Two little ones at the same time are VERY demanding. This too shall pass, it will get easier as they get older.

Also, consider swapping babysitting with the neighbors.

Just some food for thought (spurred on from the other comments):

- Your husband is communicating to you very well. He trusts you, that you won't judge him when he admits that he's not so good at handling the two kids.

It also sounds like you are starting to communicate to him in the same way. It's OK to say, "I'm worried or concerned about myself. I'm not handling this so well. I know I wanted these kids and they fill so much space in my heart, but now I'm finding that I need something more. Sounds almost outrageous, but can I dare ask for MORE? I think I need some space to figure out who J. is again." He's a good husband and he loves you. He'll support you.

A secondary thought on this issue - He's telling you what his limits are, it's important to respect that and take it into consideration. He needs to experience some challenge and growing pains, but we need to be sensitive. If he can't take care of them like you need him to, do you really want them to feel the brunt of his pressure when he's reached the end of his capacity to handle them? If you're OK with baby sitters, use them.

My dilema - My husband communicates to me as well and he has less capacity than me to handle the kids. I don't want them feeling the brunt of his stress, pressure, confusion, not knowing what to do to help them settle down. He can handle challenge, but he'll tell me when enough is enough and that it would be unwise for him to be in charge of the kids. I totally respect that. But, I'm also not a very trusting person with babysitters in my home, teenagers, or sending my kids to the neighbor's house. So, I put myself in a corner a little bit. I am OK with childcare situations like church sunday school, the Courthouse Athletic Club, and pre-school. And in all of those situations I will only put my kids in there if there is more than one teacher, a female on potty duty/diaper duty, and absolutely no opportunity for a man to be alone with my child. I like lots of accountability and an open environment.

If you can join the Courthouse, I'd love to visit with you there. It's worth the money in so many ways.

- Just a warning about nap times. One of the most challenging things I had to do was learn how to do chores while the kids were awake and truely rest when they were sleeping. It's a hard adjustment on the kids, but it will save your sanity in the end. As a result, though, I became very dependent upon their nap times to decompress. The second most challenging thing I had to deal with was when they started outgrowing naps. I did not cope well with this. It's been a challenge to them, but now I not only do chores when they are around, I also take time for ME when they are awake. This is where the Courthouse comes in. I just can't place any expectation, hope, or dependency on the nap time -AT ALL-. If they take a coordinated nap, wonderful, that's even more ME time. But, I no longer get stressed out or resentful if they don't do it. Now, I have other supports and options.

One more thing about the gym... it took the pressure off of Sean as the only one I (we) trusted to take care of the kids. I just had to accept that he couldn't do it as much as I needed him to.

So, that's all I've got for now.

I'll give you a call soon.

Hi J.,

I felt exactly the same when my kids were little. Its just alot of work having two little ones especially an infant that is very needy. Just remember they won't be little forever and its going to get better. Mine are 2 and 6 now and I look back and its hard to remember why I used to feel like you do now but I still remember it very well.

As for your two year old and the potty training issue its normal. Mine is almost 2 1/2 and been potty trained a few months but it took accidents in the beginning. They always pee when they have underwear or diapers on especially at first. She will get it just remember the first child takes a little longer. My daughter was 29 months (now 6) and my son was 27 months and usually they say the boys take longer.

It will get better I promise :)

S.

WOW J.! It seems like you have got quite the respons! It sounds like things are working out better for you.

I didn't not get a chance to read them all, but the ones I did read sounded like other stay at home moms. But I wanted to put my two sents in. I am a mom that works out side of the home. I am 28, and have 3 children ages 12, 8 and 18 months. But I remember when I was on maternity leave, all I ever wanted to do was sleep! That was my time alone! LOL I was soo sleep deprived that I was hearing voices and was a huge stress ball! But finally after two glasses of wine I got 6 whole hours of sleep!!! I felt so much better and was able to understand how to communicate with my husband and he started helping more. I am very blessed to have a super do it all homebody of a husband! But I had no social life. I went to work and I came home over and over again since we have been married! Then my mother hosted a Mary Kay party and I have always loved Mary Kay so I saw this as a way of getting some girl time in! I have been doing it for almost 9 months now and enjoy it soo much!!! I get to meet all sorts of powerful and positive women in my unit and I get to meet so many beautiful new customer...or as I like to call them friends! I really have made friends with all of my customers! I enjoy haveing a wide variety of girl friends. Some of them are even coming over for a candle party I am hosting next weekend!!! I guess my point in that was you are not alone and even mom's working out side the home enjoy a little girl time, or alone time!!!!

Glad to hear things are going better!

J.-

All I have to say to help you through this is... I have 3. I know how you feel. My only strategy to get "me" time is to get up before my kids and husband do to get a moment to drink coffee and check my e-mail. But this time will pass. Our kids will get older and then we'll miss the baby-days. My best advice to you is to buckle down and hang in there. You and your kids will get through this.

Best of luck to you.
-B.-

Your husband needs to step up. If he didn't want to have to watch 2 kids at the same time, then he shouldn't have had 2 of them! I'm sorry if that sounds kind of harsh, but did he really expect you to raise the kids all by yourself? Perhaps you can explain to him that you only appear to handle it better because you do it all the time. Explain that what he is refusing to do for 30 minutes while you go to the store is what you do all day long every single day. You could even ask him to imagine trading positions with you...to imagine that you are the sole worker and that he stays home everyday with the kids and how would he feel if you refused to give him some time to himself? My boyfriend used to do that...a little different situation because my boyfriend isn't my son's bio dad, but he did get the picture. You just have to put it in terms he can understand. Goodluck

Good Morning,

I have been in a similar situation...heck still am at times. The first thing I would tell you is find a really good drop in daycare because if you havent' noticed it already you seem to be having post portem depression. We all need time to our selves to re-energize. If your husband is not willing to help with this, then that is when you need a daycare. I have been lucky enough to have found a couple good ones where I live. It is hard but you need to take care of yourself or your family won't be there. Us as moms and wives do hold a lot of our family together. And right now with the kids being so young you need to take care of yourself. If at all possible talk to your doctor or find a good counselor and make sure you take care of yourself first. The kids need their mom as a whole person not one that feels like she is losing it more each day. Good luck...

Hey, I am right there with you!

Hi J.,
I have two kids a 4 year old and 3 months old and my husband is deployed so I understand how you feel about needing time to yourself. The first thing you need to do is get your baby on a schedule. I recommend reading either "Babywise" or "The Baby Whisperer answers all your questions" I've read both. Try to set it up so the two year old and baby are napping at the same time everyday. As far as your husband goes, he just needs to get over it. I’m sorry to sound rude but it’s true. You are home with those kids ALL day! While he goes to work and gets a break from them. You need a break too. He needs to understand that the stress he feels in the short time he takes care of them while you are out, is the stress you experience all day everyday. He just needs to learn how to handle.

Oh sweetie...you just told my story!!! I have little advice to you, because I am living your life and I'm going crazy too. I have a 2 1/2 year old and a 1 1/2 year old. Two very active boys. Going to the grocery store just to pick up a few things almost sends me into tears. The checkers know me so well because I'm there almost everyday.I can't complete my shopping. They either get crazy at the store or I can't fit everything in the cart with the both of them. Keep in mind this is only the grocery shopping dilemma. I am a busy kind of person with lots of errands all the time and I can't get a thing done. I too am very frustrated and feeling worthless because I can't take care of business or take care of myself like I use to.

One thing is I am learning to accept the new me for now. One who can't do it all. That's the hardest part.

Here are some things I am doing different these days for my sanity. I am doing a lot of internet shopping. I hate this, but it's easier right now. I order things I need and have them shipped to me. I went to the Safeway website and seen that the first grocery order of 150.00 has free delivery so I am going to try it. I have no clue how much it will cost after that, but to spare me the tears at the grocery store I'm sure I will find a way to pay the extra cost. I did try and look into drop in daycare at a facility but found they wanted fulltime. I'm still looking but it takes forever and a day to get a quiet moment to call around. Another thing that comes to mind is that Fred Meyer has free drop in daycare while you are shopping. I don't usually shop there but may have to. As for otherthings like going to the post office or places like that...I am still at a loss how to get it done easily. I also like to do things like ummmm get a haircut, maybe tan or working out... you know... the me stuff. I just can't get it done. My husband works 6 days a week and very very long hours so I can stay home. I have no available family members to help either. It's a tough time.

Well I'm not sure how you feel about this. I live in Federal Way. If you are close maybe we could take some time to get to know each other and each others children and maybe we can help each other out. It's just an idea from one desperate mom to another. Let me know. Good luck. G.

J.-

You should not be so hard on yourself! You sound like an incrediable mom! I only wish you have your family close by so that you could have the much needed break all of us mom's need especially with young children.

Try and find another mom that has older kids that would not mind giving you a much deserved break. Find a grandma that is widowed and bored that you could adopt (like in a church) that would be willing to give your kids some "grandma time". Don't be afraid to ask for help. Mom's do their best when they are not tired and when they are filled up. You can't give when you are empty.
Make sure you and your husband are having weekly dates and maybe occassionally a weekend romance time away from the kids. I hope this helps. It does not mean that you are not a efficient, organized, highly capable person, you just have doubled your responsibilties. It's ok! You are doing a great job!
Happy Parenting!!

D. J.

there are probably a club for moms in your area they have them online they help other moms to have time out and lots of times they have teen girls looking to make some money part time
check with some close churches lots of time the girls work to help to pay for trips and they do it on a donation amount this is a few ways to get a little time out for your self , get to know some of these ways and become close friends with the church girls S. L.

Hi J.,

I have been exactly where you are, the one thing that I am thankful for are my children are almost 10 years apart. The difference is, my husband also refused to "watch" our daughter when I needed to go shopping etc. Why should the man "watch" thier own child?? To me, it doesn't matter if he can handle the job of watching them for a couple of hours so you can do something for yourself. They tend to forget that you are with them all day and all night. They get to have a break when they are at work. Just because you are a stay at home mom does not mean that you don't work as hard or harder then they do. They need to be reminded of it. He is adjusting to having 2 kids too. He needs to learn to deal with it.

You need to have time for yourself. Don't try to over do it. Having 2 children is much different than having 1. Especially a small one. They require a lot of attention. Slow down, let the house go a bit, make the dh help. (I know how hard that is too) Yes, he is overwhelmed, you are too. There is nothing wrong with that. Totally normal. Take time for yourself. Even if it is at night when the kids are in bed, take a nice long bath with candles, the works.
Hope this helps.

J.,

I am glad your husband is coming around. More dads should! I read all the posts, but there are a few things you can never hear too many times....
1. Do not feel guilty or imposing to ask the FATHER OF YOUR CHILDREN to spend alone time with them! You need to recharge in order to be sane and fullfill your (beyond) full time job of being with the kids 24/7. You are a cook, cleaner, comforter, playmate, teacher, errand runner, house maintainer....You do all this while constantly being interupted. Hats off to you! Remind him thatyes he does work all day, he has set hours and can leave his work at the office. Although you stay home your "job" is to be on call from dawn to dusk. You can't just sit back with the TV on and a cold beer from 6:00 until bedtime. (Not that he does, but you get my point.)Let him know you appreciate that he is the roverbial bread-winner, but your job is hard and equally important.

2. These children are his as well. Help him to see time with the kids as not a burden, but an opportunity to bond with them, get to know them better, learn how to calm and soothe them, and get them to be more comfortable with him. It will take time, but I find that when I am not home, the kids quit begging for me and will open up to daddy.

2. Thank and praise your hubby when he does hang with the littles. Let him know how much better you feel when you get your space. Let him know you understand that it may be hard for him, but you really need the time. If he feels appreciated, he'll be more likely to keep doing it.

3. I used to time my day out to start as soon as my little one went down for the morning nap. Then my husband had a few hours with just one kid. And when I got home I would thank him and suggest that he go take an hour or so for himself to chill out.

4. Finally, we found that the more time my husband spent with them without me, the more they all enjoyed each other and they even go through phases of prefering him!

Good Luck