Two Year Old Behavior Problem, Stay at Home Mom at Her Wit's End!

Ignore behaviors that you don't want and praise, reward the good. Close the doors behind you so he can't get in, let him fuss, if you answer thr fuss you are reinforcing his behavor.
With luck he'll strengthen his lungs and sing opera and become famous. My rule was : You have the right to fuss but I have the right not to see or hear it.

I saw another poster said to read a book by John Rosemond. He also wrote a book called "Making the Terrible Two's Terrific". It's not a long book, it's written in plain language and has excellent q & a sections at the end of each chapter which give you real examples and real solutions. I have a 4 1/2 year old, 21 month old, and a 3 1/2 month old - all boys. I live by this book. I would lose my brain if I didn't have it. And I actually have highlighted paragraphes, earmarked pages and written notes on the sidelines. I wish you the best of luck!!
Jen

J.,
it seems that you are always trying to dodge him or get away from him and he knows that, so he is pursuing you to get your love and affection, attention and approval.
What you need to focus on right now is pursuing him. Let him be the object of your affections as much as possible.
He is feeling insecure, perhaps because of the baby, perhaps because he senses your discomfort with him and his behavior.
You are feeling smothered, but what you should do is to be the one smothering him. He is crying out for you to relax and give him your undivided attention, so give it to him until he has had enough of you. He will see that he is important enough for you to give up the laundry, dishes, etc... so that you can focus totally on him and he will feel his "love tank" filling up. He speaks a language of quality time. That means that the way he feels love from you is when you give him your undivided attention for long periods of time. Right now, you have to invest that into him, and then later, he won't have a need for it so much.
Be willing to stop what you are doing to give him your full attention and do it with a heart that it is your honor to do this for him. He is one of the most beautiful things in your life and he wants to feel that from you.
It will get better if you do this. You'll see.
Happiness comes from inside, it's a choice, not a response to your circumstances. You choose it despite your circumstances. You choose to have a thankful heart for all that you have and then, choose to learn through and from every situation that comes your way.
You may feel resentful towards your children that you can't do the things you enjoy, but you have to understand that parenting is about sacrifice and there will come a time when you can serve yourself again if you choose. At this time, it is time to serve your children, selflessly. Once you accept that and choose a joyful heart in serving others, you will be "happy" again.
Children are not meant to be easy, they are a challenge to us because they help to shape and mold our character into a more beautiful person.
Take Care and God Bless You.

PS. One lie that women believe is that we are owed a good life at all times. That is simply not true.
I have seen a lot of self-centered responses expecting a small child to change his behavior instead of changing the reason he is behaving in this manner. He is trying to let you know that something is missing for him and it is hurtful for him.
Yes, he needs consequences for his inappropriate behavior, but the need HE has will not be met through this. It runs deeper than that.
Too many moms think that if they are being inconvenienced by their children, the child needs to be fixed. However, on the contrary, it is usually the parent that needs to alter the way they are doing things and to really listen for what the child is crying out for. What a child whines about most is more than likely what makes them feel loved and they don't feel they are getting enough of it. Chances are they feel that they are a burden rather than a blessing.

J.,

I understand where you are coming from. With my second daughter, there were days that I would call my husband and cry on the phone for him to come home to deal with her. From the minute she was born, she screamed her head off. In the car it was pure hell and that continued until just recently, she is now 3 years old. Emma is also one to get into everything, climb on everything, and just plain make a mess with food and drinks.

There were days that I felt like all I did was clean up after her and tell her no or put her in time out. Like you, there are not very many days when I have any time to myself. Heck, I can't even think straight sometimes. People always say, "You have to take care of yourself before you can take care of them" well easier said than done right... My husband works very hard to make his income for our family, I know that taking care of our children(as a stay @ home mom) is my(our) job, but at times it can send you into dark places when you don't have anything left to give.

I put Emma in a little pre-k program this year, and it helped. It gave us something to do first thing in the morning, then when we got home, she was more relaxed and less into things. She has also matured quite a bit, she is speaking better and able to communicate better too.

I think the program will be very good for him. He will learn that he can do things on his own, he doesn't have to be with you all the time. I think that after time, you will hopefully see some good changes!

Until then, maybe try getting the kids out first thing in the morning, to a local park, or your favorite playground. Now that it is getting warmer, I would say get them out to swim, the water always helps to wear kids out. It always helped me to get the kids out of the house.

It is a challenging time, but this too shall pass. Just remember that at this stage of the game we are laying the ground work for the future. Be strong!!!!

Best,
M.

Hi J.,
First, we all understand your pain... this happens to every parent, although not always at the same age. I have a few suggestions that I hope will help you. First, I would recommend forgetting about charts and timeouts for now... until your son has the tools to deal with his frustration, I believe these things will only worsen the problem...

How is your son verbally at 2.5? Can he tell you what's bothering him? Can he speak well? Have you taught him about feelings? There is a great book you can get at Target, called "The Way I Feel" and I started this with my girl when she was 12-18months, so she would have a way to "know" what she was feeling and why. I also taught her appropriate ways to deal with those feelings (things like roaring like a lion or stomping feet like a dinosaur when we feel angry or frustrated - but not hitting, biting, kicking, etc.). She had a soft, frog chair in her room that she was allowed to hit if she just couldn't help herself, but that was it, nothing else. It helped a lot... but of course, repetition is critical, b/c at this age, they are literally testing you every single day, to make sure the answer is always the same. The problem is, if you react to frustration with yelling or are visibly depressed around him, he can sense those feelings and will have trouble absorbing the "lesson" if you aren't demonstrating it yourself. I realize it's hard sometimes, but we HAVE to be our child's best role models first.. and it IS up to us to make sure we can show them the right way to behave, otherwise, who will? There will be times that you have to go in the other room and have to count to 10 before you can go back to a calm place, but it's really important to do it.

I'd also read everything you can get your hands on by John Rosemond... kids stop doing things that don't earn them a payoff... for instance, my daughter is 28 months... and EVERY single night, she tells me she doesn't want dinner. I always react the same way (and never give in) and say "well, I guess then you are going to go to bed hungry" in a very calm, matter of fact voice and funny how she manages to eat most of what's on her plate, with that as the only other choice. She also knows that if she's really truly not interested in eating, that I will give her as much milk as she wants, but no other food. So if that's her choice, I go with it calmly and figure that she knows best what her body wants.

Do you talk to him about things that go on normally each day, as opposed to telling him what to do as in, rules, meals, baths, potty, etc.? Do you guys paint, do playdoh, make things together out of construction paper, glue, glitter, etc.? Perhaps he's just bored with the same old and is looking for you to entertain him nonstop... but that's not realistic... so you have to teach him to play alone with puzzles, doodle pros, books, blocks, etc.

I'm sure you guys must have some routine, but have you thought that perhaps he's not getting enough physical activity (outdoor playing, climbing, running, sliding, etc.)? My daughter has attended daycare since she was 1 and they have a great routine with time outside twice a day (which wears them out but gives them those endorphins we all need from physical exertion). Pool time would also be good these days and it's really not to early for your kids to learn to swim in a basic way... is that something you can incorporate into your weekly routine?

I hope maybe a little of this helps... I think instead of being sure that you can't go anywhere with him, that it's exactly what you both need... how about a trip to MOSH, to see and do something special together? Kids are little sponges and want to soak up everything... and with a patient teacher like you, they can get the most out of any experience.

Good luck, please write me more if you'd like to or ask for more info on anything I've said.

K.

J.,
I recommended this book to someone the other day Creative Correction by Lisa Weichel. Your son is too young for some of the ideas, but she pretty much said that when they are that small spankings and time out are your best bet. You may have to put him in a pack n play for time out for a while until he gets it that he has to stay there. He doesn't need to be able to see you. Just put him in there and tell him you aren't going to talk to him until he stops with the fit. Be CONSISTANT or else he won't take you serious. My middle son had a temper. Roll in the floor, hit the walls, scream, and just go nuts. I started putting him in his room when he did this and tell him, don't come out until you are ready to behave. He was about fifteen mths when that started and now I rarely seem him lose it. The temper is still there, he has just learned how to control it. Hang in there. You don't want to have to deal with this when he's a teenager, nip it out now.
God Bless,
R.

Hi J. - Hindsight is 50/50 so they say, bless you sweetie. I had flash backs to my daughter when I read your cry for help. I have 3 children, they are 14 and 15 months apart! There is life after the toddler years - I promise.

My middle daughter, who is now 9, had the worst temper tantrams I had seen she was 2-2 1/2 at that time. (Obviously I had not been out much - I wonder why?!!) She would get so very angry and I see now that is was out of frustration that she could not communicate her needs. Needless to say I was exhausted all the time with a 14 month old and a 3 1/2 year old to parent.

First of all I wanted her to be safe - please remember crying WILL NOT KILL a child. It can annoy or upset us but as a Mom we have to learn to ignore it. When she would start I would give her a chance to try to tell me what she wanted or what had happened, check her over for signs of teeth marks from my oldest - (yes she was a biter)
speak softly and calmly, if it gave no clues then I would send her to her room and close the door. The volumn used to get louder but I would let her cry it out and when she was done she could come out and I acted like nothing had happened. Children hate to be ignored so try it, do not get sucked into these tantrams and let them make you mad.

We teach our children by our reactions to their negative behavior. If we let them get away with screaming fits and give in to their demands then we have taught them that screaming fits work for them and that they will keep repeating it. I guess I had to be "a no nonsense" Mom as I would have gone insane if I did not keep to a schedule.

In 2005 my husband left us, so for the past 5 years I have been doing it by my self, working and paying my own mortgage. I am a Christian and I give all the glory to God for being my rock and giving me the strength to do it. Try to take each day slowly and find at least 5 positive things to say or write down at the end of each day, you can find them if you look.

I will pray for you J.

M. F

Hi J.!~
So it sounds like your son is giving those "terrible twos" a real go at it! My son is almost 3, so I can completely relate, though he doesn't seem quite as strong-willed as your child. But if you ask my mother--I was just like this. Temper tantrums all the time, and I could not be alone. She did two things that helped, first she got a book on raising a "strong willed child" (it really is different than other personalities) and next she signed me up for a part-time pre-school.
Being child number two--I HATED being alone and I was a big trouble-maker. And yes, it was my personality. My mom got a book back then that she gave me when I had my son, but there are quite a few boosk out there regarding raising and discipline when it comes to this type of personality..
Here's one that gives you a five week program:
http://www.amazon.com/Parenting-Strong-Willed-Child-Clini...
I ended up buying the following myself and found some great advice for my son:
http://www.amazon.com/Setting-Limits-Your-Strong-Willed-C...

Finally, what helped me (and my son) was getting us in a part-time pre-school program. At 2, they can go 2x a week for 4 hours a day. Not only does it give you a well-needed break--it helps tremendously with separation anxiety (which will be tough at first), socialization, learning to take directions from others, etc. And they learn so much by just being around other kids who are "behaving" You'd be amazed at what a little routine does for then especially with a group of kids their age. I too am a SAHM and started him last fall with teh 2 year olds and I'm signing him up for some of his school's summer programs. He loves them and does so much better on the days/week he has school!

Dear Jena,
I prayed before writing. I asked the Lord to give me the right words to tell you. I prayed, that's enough. God is in control. Let me know of the great changes. G., Kathy

Hi J. J. To get some time to yourself, have you checked out something called "Mommy's Day Out" in your area. It is usually offered by a church or daycare. One day a week you can drop your kids off for a certain amount of time and go and have some alone time.
Another question I have is have you thought about starting him at the daycare a little early? My thoughts are that the more he interacts with other kids his age, he won't be so bent on sticking to you like glue and throwing temper tantrums.
I really would like to help you. I have 3 kids. 2 girls and a boy ages 9, 7 and 6. I was a stay at home mom with my first two kids who are 14 months apart. In 2001 I went back to work and got pregnant 4 months later when my baby was 11 months. Then in 2002, when my new baby was 8 months, my husband and I separated and never got back together. We ended up divorcing but I remarried in 2006. I was a single mom with 3 small kids for 4 years. Thank God I had my family to help and support me.
I will babysit for you if you need me to just so that you can get some time away to yourself. Are you in Orlando? If you want my number, send me a response and I will give it to you.

Hi J. - you poor thing. Wow, you have your hands full. Let's try this. Since you work from home, this may be helpful. Create a schedule where you get up, feed them a light breakfast, then have an outside activity scheduled where you take him to the park/playground where he can interact and run himself tired. Or take him with a wagon and let him pull the wagon or ride his superwheels for a long walk. This will tire him out. Make a picnic and take it with you. That way when you get home, he'll be tired out for a good nap, and you can work during that time. Then again before dinner or after dinner, have your husband take him outside for a swim in a kiddy pool or walk looking for sticks, pinecones, whatever. Kick a rubber ball back and forth and let him chase it. He just has a lot of energy like a Jack Russell terrier. They are not an inside dog. they need lots of activity outside.. But this will be an every day thing. He's bored. Be creative. Join a mommy's play group. Good luck
T.

I found this helpful when my son was young, (he's 27 now)! When he would throw a temper tantrum like that, I threw a glass of cold water in his face. It makes something for you to clean up but it stops the tantrum! Sometimes he would help me clean it up!

C.

I felt the same way you are feeling about a year ago. I have 2 boys, 3 1/2 and 7 months. My oldest was like yours for a while. I started watching my behavior. Not in the aspect of what I said or did with him, but what I was doing. When I was doing things that he couldn’t help with, he would find something really annoying or destructive to do. I realized that he was bored and needed to get out of the house. I started taking him to the park in the afternoons and later at night we would walk around the block. Once I started doing this it made correcting his behavioral problems easier. His temper tantrums were driving me crazy but they gradual faded away. I always did the same thing. If he started to have a tantrum he went straight to his room. He wasn't allowed out until it was over. At first, I would check on him every 5 minutes b/c I felt bad leaving him in his room so long, but that didn't work. I finally put him in his room and left him there until he stopped crying. If wasn’t until I stopped checking on him that I started reducing the length of the tantrum. And believe me, I would time them. When I first left him alone, it would take him 45 minutes to an hour to get over it, within a month it would only take about 5 minutes.
I would try to remember that you can’t fix these problems in a day or a week; all you can do is get better control over the behavior. If his behavior gets better, even if just a little, than what you’re doing is working. Keep trace of what works and what doesn’t.

Wow. HaHa. There was a funny response. Im not saying anything about that!
After reading the responses of others I must agree with a few. I wasn't going to answer because I am not currently in that situation, but my son goes through phases of freak out events. I couldn't get him away from me to put him in time out so I would go into my bedroom...put him there with me with my back against the door so he couldn't get out. I would sit and breathe and breathe and push him off me and breathe and push him off me and breathe and push him off me. If he stopped acting angry and I thought he was just crying now because he wanted to be held, I would hold him for a minute. My goal was to stay calm no matter how long it took. Its' soo hard.If he would calm down I would talk to him. If he became andgry again, I would push him off me. Sometimes this would take me an hour. I know ....but it worked. It got to the point where I could take things away from him rather than lock ourselves in a room for an hour because he was listening while he was screaming.

You have to find your own way. The most important advise is this: You are his mom. You know what is best. Try to see it coming and deal with the behavior before it becomes intense. I would reccommend "raising your spirited child" Forgive yourself for freaking out. Move on from here. When I mess up and hit or yell, I always apologize. It teaches them that we aren't perfect and there is an expectation. It teaches them that people cannot hurt and mistreat others. I do not agree with spanking.

There are a lot of good things in there to help a child lower their intensity. Repetitive motions is one of them. I agree that getting him out to excercise in the morning would be beneficial and I also agree that a class situation with or without you might help. It's possible that he isn't ready to be seperated, but to be with other kids with you and experience others would be good.

Best of luck

Hello! I have a very clingy girl as well, but she is not a problem otherwise. Do you belong to a playgroup or have him involved in activities? That's what has worked for my sister who has two boys. Boys need a lot more physical activities than girls or they will channel all that energy in a negative way. I hope you'll find something that works. It will also be nice if you took some time for yourself soon.
Have a great day!

J. - I wish I had a miracle cure for you. I am sorry you are going through this, and it sounds like you are at your wits end. This is not what you asked, but you really need to take some time for yourself. I have a son and he is 3 yrs old so he has recently passed the age you are suffering through. Still there are days I just don't know what I am going to do. I have actually locked my bedroom door, then went into my bathroom, turned on the water, the fan, the shower and sat on the toilet and cried. I just needed some peace and quiet. I stay at home with my son as well, and we have no family anywhere near us so it is just him and i most of the time. I also am due next month with another boy. My hubby tries to help out but he works midnights and is working 16 hour days sometimes.

When my son turned 2 it was like demon spawn had taken over. He used to be such a good baby and then whammmo. I just wanted him to go back to being my sweet little boy. Two is just really bad. I have all nieces and my son is the only boy, he was much different than our nieces. High maintenance, required my constant attention, nearly hanging from my legs all the time, I showered with him, dressed with him, slept with him, bathed with him, cooked with him, cleaned with him, folded laundry with him....omg I thought my head was going to explode! And the constant whining...whine whine...AHHHHH

So, my son is real hands on. He likes to have things to take apart and organize and play with. He LOVES making a mess. So I started buying him things he could play with alone. Slowly he became more and more interested until his independence was back. One of his favorite things is Moon Sand. I buy it in bulk from Ebay because it is cheaper, but to start I got a big set at WalMart. It is nice because it sticks to itself, but is not like playdough or anything. He can still to this day play for an hour at a time by himself.

I also bought him finger painting sets with special paper and would have him make special pictures for different family members. I also framed a few and hung them in my kitchen which he thinks is so cool and makes him very proud. It seems once I instilled a feeling of pride in him he started finding that he liked that. So now he likes to do things that I find pride in.

I also found taking him places where he interacts with a bunch of kids helped. I would take him to the mall and let him play in the play area, or an inside gym (too hot to go outside).

One last thing, he loves the tub. I buy crayons, paints and cups for the tub and he can stay in there and play forever. Great mommy time.

Your son may not like any of these things but I was just using them as examples ya know. I am sorry I wish I could say it will get better soon. It just takes time. You need to dump those kids somewhere and get a pedicure, massage something. Also, my husband has daddy time on his days off where he takes our son OUT of the house away for a little while and spends time alone. Those days have become very important to get him to cut the "apron strings". Sorry this is so long, I hope it helps even a little bit to know you are not alone and that there is probably nothing wrong with your little man, he is just a 2 yr old pain in the butt. Like most of them are!

T.

Dear J.,
I know how frustrating it is to deal with two small children by yourslef all day, expecially when on is giving you problems. I was a single mom when my oldest two were this age, now i am a stay at home mom, three go to school and my youngest is 2.2yrs and I have a daycare, adding three more 2 yr olds and a 6 month old. From a supernanny perspective, it sounds like your sons tantrums are working for him in some way. Someone, maybe you, is giving in to him or scrambling to find something that makes him happy and makes him stop and that is his goal with the tantrums. His thought is " I am mad that she won't do or give me what I want ( holding me, giving me my tv,toys, candy, whatever) and i am going to act like a crazed maniac and scream at the top of my luncgs until she gived in and gets me something that will make me happy." When it doesn't work immediately, it gets very frustrating and he is genuinely upset and hysterical because his plan is not working, so his only recourse is to give up and say, that doesn't work, or to intensify the situation until someone does give him something he wants.
It is so important to decide what you are willing to do for him and what you're not and stick to it no matter what he does. Often I tell my daughter no to juice or tv and then almost immediately rethink it and decide, well, she hasn't had that much today, it would keep her quiet for a while so i could get something done and decide to tell her go ahead, but if she is tantruming about it, I can't give it to her, even though I want to, and she wants it, I can never ever ever reward the tantrum. When he starts full blown freaking out, you need to stop what you're doing and say, I don't like that, you need to stop, and just leave the room, lock your door and don't say a word until he completely stops. The first few times he will get worse, because until now getting worse made you do what he wanted you to do. but eventually he will realize that this behavior is not working. You can always pick up his screaming self and plop him in his room, removing him from your presence every time. when he isn't in a full blown fit, encourage him to use his words and remind him that he needs to listen to you. You are in charge mom and he is trying to take that form you, stick with it and it will get better.

Ignore him. He will get over it. I had to slowly learn how to turn a deaf ear to the temper tantrums. It was hard. Mine is still stuck to me like glue, but not as bad as before. The other thing is show him how to be independent. To play on his own, look at whatever he is interested in and expand that. If it's building, cars, or organizing. Give him the tools. And the other thing is I just learned that if I am cooking she likes to watch. So I get her stool and she stands next to me to watch. Cleaning is hilarious, because she wants to help or mimic me. Give him tasks. Mine knows to give me the kitty bowls every day so I can clean them. She puts her plate on the counter and even empties out the left over foods in the trash before she puts it on the table. Its just the right amount of attention and if you give him praise for it their ego is boosted 10 fold.
Also take some time to play with him, you probably do, and I know that sometimes they want more. Mine starts with books, and will pile the books up until I just give in. You have a few months left, with him take that time.

Good luck, Jen

The best advice I have gotten about behavior issues with my 2 year old is that you have to find something that gets to HIM... take away a favorite toy or video. Something that will get his attention, but maybe not other children. For my daughter time out never worked because she could still look around and touch things, etc. So, we decided she had to face the wall -- hands up on the wall. 2 minutes is usually enough, depending on the offense. You will be amazed at how much they don't like to stare at that wall! Just remember there is no one solution that works for every child. You'll get there!

J.
I know its very hard to believe....but unless our kids do indeed have a "medical" issue.....we train them to act the way we do...by our indifference or we "cater" to their need after they've thrown a fit, etc...a GREAT read that will change your life and save your life....go to www.nogreaterjoy.org and they have a book for 5$ called "to train up a child" vol I and II.....live examples of what and how and why......i have five kids and I can atest to it 100%...I am blessed, happy, peaceful and i have all personality, strong-willed kids. its not about their will, that is great and will help them....its teaching and training them how to act, be respectful, respect themselves, control themselves and their emotions, etc....or you will be a mad house just letting them dominate and rule your home. they grow up hating life when you let them act that way. you have to set boundaries and then follow up, sometimes minute by minute with discipline (and love)...the book is awesome..hope you buy it and use it......our neighborhoods would be so much greater if all parents truly took on the responsbility of training and raising well-behaved FUN kids!
God Bless!

I would follow Super Nanny's advise. I get the feeling that you are not consistant with your corrections. Two year olds can be very challenging. You and your husband need to be on the same page. I have watched Super Nanny and she can make things work. Even if you have to do it 20 or 30 times you must be consistant.