Uggh! My Mother Wants to Be in the Delivery Room!

Your mom sounds EXACTLY like my mom. When I was pregnant with my son 3 years ago, she invited herself to my 20 week ultrasound appointment. I told her "no" and that it was a special thing for me to share with my husband. She layed on a thick guilt trip about never having an ultrasound when she was pregnant with me or my brother and would REALLY like to see one being done. I still said "no". My doctor did do another ultrasound at 8 months, and since my mom was so disapointed before, I said she could come to this appointment if she kept her mouth shut and sat in a chair out of the way. Well, she talked the whole time. She talked to the technician, she shared baby stories and she would just not shut up! Then, she asked if she could be there for the delivery. I of course, said "no". And being that she lived half way across the country I didn't think it would be a problem. Well my doctor decided to induce me and I made the mistake of telling her. She hopped a last minute red-eye flight and was beating down the door at the hospital to be let in while I was pushing! I had to tell the nurses under no circumstance was she allowed to come into the room until I said it was ok. Then, she invited herself to stay at my house to "help" me for 2 weeks after he was born. I told her she could stay for one week. What a nightmare! She was the worst house guest and didn't help me at all. I waited on her the whole time! We are due with our second child in early September and she has started up again. She wants to come stay with us again and I haven't told her no yet. But I definitely will! I have learned my lesson! Sorry that this is so long. I thought that you might like to hear another women's horror story about her mom. Just tell her "NO" in as nice a way as possible, and stay firm. Tell her you don't appreciate her guilt trips if she won't leave you alone. That's what I do. Good luck!

Obviously you have both sides. I'll just pitch in mine, "No". You have to deal with your husband 7 days a week. In my case, my mother didn't ask to be in the delivery room but ended up coming right in the middle of pushing after not hearing from us for hours (H.!?! I'm in LABOR). And it was one of the worst experiences in my delivery to be interrupted when she came in (I get along with my mother). The second delivery, I wouldn't have minded but my husband was a definite no. If you decide No, you should let your doctor and staff be on alert so they can block her from coming in.

I think you have to decide what's best for you and your family. Don't let your Mom manipulate you into doing what you don't really want to do. If it's not a big deal, then you should let her in and tell your husband to deal (but sounds like he's fed up).

Good luck - it's a tough one! (Tell us what you decided)

IMHO, it sounds like you should not have her in the room with you. Having a baby is, as you know, a pretty intimate experience. If you're not comfortable with your surroundings and the people who are with you it's hard to relax and let your body do its thing. Can you put her on kid duty (to watch your girls) and promise her first dibs on holding the baby once it's born?

I feel your pain. But I say have the woman in the room if it's not going to bother you too much. Otherwise you'll never hear the end of it. Talk about listening to guilt trips. That would be one to never grow old!

Don't know where you are delivering but at St. Joe in Joliet they let you know that if you didn't want people in there they would step in and they understood about people who may not listen to you.........it was quite funny how they explained but it was nice to know that we weren't the only ones with this problem!!!. The main labor nurse there was Nadine. I know you might be a little busy (maybe hubby can alert the nurses?) but tell your nurse to tell her and deal with your mom. It will be harder for your mom to manipulate the nurse then you.......

This is definitely your special moment but you have had 2 other special moments already. So like you said you "dont really care either", I would indulge her. My mom, who I didnt get along with at all, died 10 yrs ago. There isnt one day that goes by that I wish she could meet her other 3 grandkids. Although she drove me ABSOLUTELY nuts she would have been an excellent grandmother. She was in the room for the 1st grandbaby, but she wasnt allowed to talk. That was the rule & she managed quite well & so did I. She will have such a special bond with this baby & let her know she can NEVER lay a guilt trip on you EVER again. Maybe this will be a new start for you & her. Congrats & best wishes.

I'm sorry to hear your mother is like that...I had my husband, mother, and sister in the room with me. I lvoe my husband dearly, but I knew he wouldn't pull his weight. I was so thankful to have my mom there, she was the motivation I needed and she said all the right things...my husband kept touching me which made me want to punch him, so my mom stepped in and did all of the things perfectly. Now I know everyones mom isn't like mine, but you might be surprised, she might be great to have in there. Also, my mom was such an enourmous help after I had the baby. I had horrible post partum, and she was so supportive and helpful.

Ugh is right!

The bottom line is that, if you don't want her there then don't have her there. I don't think you're being selfish; this is a very special and intimate moment for you and your husband and it is completely up to you whether you choose to share this moment with other people. You have no obligation to allow her in the room...last grandchild or not.

My mother passed away a few years ago and I thank God that I am close to my mother-in-law. I invited her to be with us during the birth because I really felt that I could use her support (she was awesome, btw; she's a MIL that totally knows her boundaries and rocks my world).

Now, my sister-in-law is a completely different story. Everyone in the family knew of my 'birth plans' prior to delivery but still she made the trip in with her mom totally expecting to be there during the childbirth. Absolutely positively no way in hell was I putting my 'girly bits' on display for my SIL (we totally do not get along and it's difficult to be around her). At the hospital, I was very clear from the moment that she arrived what the plans were and when it became apparent that it was 'go time' I reminded her and my husband reminded her AND the nurses reminded her. I suppose she was hoping that somehow I would 'forget' that my 'birth canal' was going to be on display or something, who knows. Reluctantly she finally left but you could tell she was steamed about it. You know what though, too freaking bad! This is *my* birth and I wanted to be as comfortable as possible to make the delivery as stress-free as could be.

If you can, be honest and up front with her...but if you need someone else to be the bad guy, I'm sure the nurses or doctors would be more than happy to assist.

The bottom line is that YOU deserve to have a stress-free delivery (or as least stressed as possible). Do what you need to do in order to make that happen. If her feelings get hurt, too bad. She's not the one popping out a kid! Good luck to you!

You're mom sounds like my mom. You obviously don't want her there, so just say no, and let her deal with it. She is a grown up, so she should be able to deal with people saying "no." Let her get pissed off, whatever. It isn't your problem. It's her problem and she has to learn to deal with it.

And remember, you aren't a dream crusher, she is being overly manipulative and controlling.

Think of it this way, your husband will be the one really dealing with her during the labor, and since she drives him nuts, she most likely just shouldn't be present.

I agree with J.. If you don't want her there, then just say no. She's an adult.

As for the other things you said that your mom can attend the birth if she "stays out of the way", you know your mother. Can she really just stay on the sidelines while you're giving birth or will she try to be in the "catcher's position?"

I think you shouldn't stress yourself over this. Say no and let her deal with her disappointment. If she tries to guilt you into it, just say you'll call her a week after the baby is born if she keeps it up. hee

First, congrats with your soon to be new little addition. Second, judging by the heading...Uggh! My mother wants to be in the delivery room!, it is obvious that you don't want her there. With that said you should really just tell her "NO". If your mom wants so badly to see a baby be born then have her buy Rick Lake's video on giving birth to her child. I saw that she has one on Chelsea Lately... I have never seen the video nor would I, but maybe your mom would benefit from this. You mention you have other siblings then let one of them share your mom's desire. You are pregnant and she should not have to put you with this stress. The fact that you mention that both your husband and yourself are not close with your mother should be reason enough to keep this very intimate moment to yourselves, even if this is your 3rd delivery. Good Luck to you and your family.

- M.

I had both my mother and mother in law in the delivery room with me for both of my children's births. I loved having them there, because they were able to witness the next generation in our family being born. I already told my husband if we have a 3rd child, I will even invite my dad into the room. (I am a very open person when it comes to medical things -- cause I work in healthcare). My thought is you only live once. But you need to chose what you are most comfortable with. Good luck.

This is obviously a hard issue to comment on, since only you really knows the situation between you and your mom. But my first response is to just let her be there. I had my mom and mother in law in the room both times, and they actually turned out to be helpful. If you don't really care at this point, indulge her. If she becomes really annoying in there, you could always ask your Dr to be the one to kick her out....

Wow....hard call.
You don't want her there, yet, you truly are wrestling with the decision. Understandably, if you told her "No"...no one would think you were an awful person because it is truly an intimate moment - whether it's your first or last.

Her unwillingness to accept "NO"... does scare me but, again, if she is as manipulative as you say. Stick to your guns. Your amazing husband sounds like a good (and smart!) man and protective of you - make sure he is REALLY leaving that decision making in YOUR capable hands before you make it.

If you truly think that this would fulfill a dream of a life time and "you really don't care".... maybe think of it this way - it's the first time you'll be meeting any of the other people in the room - minus the Doctor, You really may not care who is in the room and she really may have a greater respect of what you are going through.

And you do love her. (Just playing the Devil's advocate here!) I just wouldn't tell her until the very end if the decision is that she will be in the room. You have time on your side - don't be hasty in making the decision. You'll know just the right path to take as the day gets closer. Again - if you choose to just have your husband there - it's her guilt and not yours - you just wanted to "keep the moment private".

Please update us. Congratulations.